Disclaimer: One line from "Haunted Leg" is used in this, so credit to ASP for that brief one.
A/N: Sorry for such a delay. I have rewritten, edited, and destroyed this chapter so many times that it's time to just post one and let it rock. I'm going to be reverting more to my natural writing style, incorporating more feelings and internal dialogue. Hope you like it :) Please review. The lack of response the past two chapters also admittedly contributed to a delay. Thank you sincerely to those who did take the time :) xoxo
xx
Rory's hands shake as she pulls into the Intrepid Center. After what happened that morning, the last thing she wanted to do was be within sixty miles of Jess, let alone stuck in a room with him.
Rory sighs and leans her head against the headrest, closing her eyes. She peeks one eye open to check her watch, noting that she has about fifteen minutes before she's expected to go into the building. This gave her enough time to figure out how to handle herself when she eventually saw Jess walk into group.
Rory opens her eyes and stares absently at her hands on the steering wheel. They're still shaking, so she tries to summon whatever willpower she owns to make them stop, but they simply continue on in disobedience. She turns the ignition off and bites her lip, debating whether the radio would help or interfere with her game plan.
She pauses for a beat and moves to turn the dial. Rory settles on a station and leans back.
(Can't erase this, can't delete this...)
Rory looks at the radio skeptically.
(I don't need this, I can't handle it…)
"How appropriate," she mutters bitterly.
(I just feel it, that you're over us…)
Rory's stomach clenches and she quickly hits the button to change the station. That was just a fluke.
(I don't know why you're not talking to me; I don't know what went wrong.)
She groans and repeats her previous gesture. Third time's a charm? Something that didn't remind her of Jess.
(See you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and I'm like—)
Rory slams the radio button, turning the contraption off. She didn't need to be reminded of Shane, either. The universe was clearly out to mock her today.
She didn't want to be here. All day at school she felt like a shadow of herself. It wasn't like before, when her thoughts of Jess were of how warm his body was, how valuable his insight into a book was, how special he was becoming to her. All Rory could picture in their place, as she had searched interactions and past conversations for signs that Lane had been right about Jess having feelings for her, was… her, attached to his lips.
She hadn't seen the girl's face, but the back of her blonde head, low cut jean capris, and revealing crop top had been enough for Rory to brand judgment on her. All Rory could see in her mind's eye was this person, latched onto Jess, and the look of… something in Jess's eyes when she saw them. Was it surprise? Regret? Indifference? Whatever it was, all of her memories of him were tainted by that image.
Who was that girl? And, more importantly, who was she to Jess?
Obviously she's his girlfriend, Rory thinks to herself. Except maybe not. She furrows her eyebrows. He could just be with her to… do things. Rory ponders this for a second, annoyed with herself for petulantly referring to sexual intimacy as 'things.' That makes it worse, doesn't it? If he's only with her for that. Because then it means he's shallower than I think he is and that pursuing him would be a gigantic mistake because I'm not ready for those things with him yet. She feels heat rising to her face at her thought. With Jess? Yet?! I haven't even kissed him yet. Another blush, this one accompanied by rubbing her eyes roughly. This 'yet' word and I need to divorce.
She shifts uncomfortably in her chair. It becomes painstakingly aware to her how unfair she's being to both Jess, for thinking he was just a womanizer when she had no previous evidence to support that, and to… whoever she is, for assuming that she's just an available booty call. Before she can really change her position on the matter, images of the blonde kissing Jess resurface, and Rory feels her stomach clench in anger.
She's probably an idiot, Rory's mind supplies viciously. And he's just a jerk, parading her around in Luke's for the world to see. Rory's jaw clenches as a haunting reality reaches her: she was jealous. And, Rory thinks bitterly to herself, I have no reason to be because Jess and I are nothing.
Rory bangs her head a few times against the headrest. It wouldn't do her any good to think about that right now. She had to face seeing Jess, and that would ultimately take herculean effort on her end to do so without trying to claw his eyes out. Rory glances at her watch and panics, noting that she's managed to let ten minutes fly by. She grabs the keys roughly out of the ignition and grabs her backpack, slinging it over one shoulder to slide out of the jeep.
Rory walks quickly across the parking lot, eyeing the bus stop with suspicion. She sees a bus pulling around the corner and her eyes widen. She picks up her pace, determined to keep her eyes straight on the door, when a green truck enters into her peripheral. Rory squints, turning her head to stare at it. It looked really familiar. It looked like Luke's—
"Ow!"
"Jesus!"
Rory stumbles backwards from the impact. She briefly sees stars before shaking her head, realizing that two hands that don't belong to her are holding her steady. Her heart drops into her stomach as she realizes that she'd run into the very manifestation of her panic.
"Jess?"
"Hey," he supplies cautiously, dropping his hands to rub his shoulder.
Rory tightens the grip on her bookbag strap, cursing inside of her head. Her skin bristles underneath of her sweater, the warmth of his touch lingering.
"Sorry," she mumbles, remembering her manners. "I didn't see you."
"I gathered," Jess says simply, a small smirk tugging at his lips.
Rory notices Jess's eyes flicker to her side, and she follows his gaze to her hand. Her knuckles were growing white from gripping her book bag. Rory shifts the weight in her hip, forcing the book bag further onto her shoulder.
"You took Luke's truck?" She blurts out, dropping her hand from her bag. Jess looks back to her and raises an eyebrow.
"Your transitions could use some work," Jess chuckles, shifting back to regard her. Rory narrows her eyes at the insult, and his soften in return.
"Didn't want to take the bus anymore," he says casually, looking directly at her. His comment feels pointed but she brushes it off.
"Oh.. makes sense," she mumbles, looking at her feet. She felt like an idiot; of course that was why he had Luke's truck. She just hadn't been prepared for that.
The awkward tension starts to fill in the space around them. Rory shifts uncomfortably, noticing that Jess does the same, and takes a step back from him.
"It's time for group," she says quickly, averting her eyes from his gaze. If he goes to say something, she doesn't know; she's already moving past him, rushing for the door.
"So is this how it's gonna be?" Jess asks, jogging up to her just as Rory reaches the front doors.
"How what's going to be, Jess?" Rory asks with a tinge of annoyance.
"This," he repeats, gesturing between the two of them with a finger. "You're gonna run away every time you see me now?"
At the brief reference to that morning, Rory's anxiety turns quickly into irritation. She sees Shane leaning in, her hand on his forearm, her lips on his.
"You started this," she counters sharply, moving past him to walk inside. "You ignored me."
Jess shoots his arm out to block her from entering.
"You almost hit me in the face!" Rory complains, her eyes blazing.
"Sorry. Let's get something straight though," Jess locks eyes with her, and she sees anger in them. "I didn't start this, you did."
"You stopped talking to me out of nowhere!" Rory says, feeling her voice quiver. Not ready for this, not ready for this.
"Really? Out of nowhere?" Jess challenges, his voice rising. He looks at Rory, who's looking at the woman behind the desk, and he turns back with a scowl.
"You wanted to play with fire, and I'm not interested in getting burned along with you," he continues, pointing an aggravated finger first at himself and then at Rory for emphasis.
Rory's stomach ties into a knot. She hadn't tried to lead him on. In fact, she hadn't even gotten a grasp on the chaos of her emotions until the night before! Rory ponders briefly whether now is a good time to tell him how she'd been feeling.
"Maybe Dean will jump at any bone you throw him, but don't expect me to genuflect," Jess tosses bitterly, finally turning on his heel to walk down the hall.
He's not being fair, she thinks dejectedly. Rory swallows the lump in her throat and takes off after Jess. Every step closer to his retreating back makes her more and more frustrated until she huffs audibly. Rory shoves past Jess, cutting him off around the corner, and stomps over to the door.
I can't believe him. He hasn't talked to me in over a week, yet this is all of my fault? I avoided him because he ignored me every chance he got! I was just giving him space. Well, a lot of good telling yourself this is, Rory.
Rory reaches for the door and hesitates. She turns around in time for Jess to nearly bump into her again. Sparks light up and her chest tightens as he jumps back, careful to keep distance in between them.
She opens her mouth to say something, but the fierce look in Jess's eyes renders her speechless. She had hurt him, and it was written all over his face. No matter how infuriated his comments had made her, the last thing she wanted to do was hurt Jess. This last week, it had been impossible for her to focus. All she wanted to do was reach out and touch him, hold him, kiss him...
Rory sighs. He was mad. She was mad. And more than that, she was unprepared. Better not to stoke the fire until she could collect herself and process the conversation. She turns away, opening the door to group.
Jess taps his foot impatiently. He couldn't follow any of the conversations happening in group. He would be lying if he didn't get a kick out of hearing the guys go around in their little sharing circle. Jess wasn't a sharer himself, still finding this thing to be ridiculous, but he tended to err on the side of curiosity when it came to people.
But right now nothing was holding his attention. It was a half hour after his confrontation with Rory, and the heated exchange was like a broken record playing in his head. In spite of himself, Jess kept stealing quick glances in her direction, wondering about the words she'd choked on before opening the door. She'd looked so small and helpless.
He sighs deeply through his nose, annoyed with himself. It didn't matter how she looked. It didn't matter how she felt. He had Shane now; he didn't need to concern himself with Rory.
Yeah, like there's even a comparison, Jess's subconscious fires at him. He begrudgingly admits to himself that he doesn't really care about Shane at all. He runs a hand through his hair. Maybe he would grow to if he could convince her to read something other than Teen Vogue...
"Mr. Mariano?" Ms. Leon interrupts his train of thought and he jerks slightly, looking over to her.
"Can you share something positive that happened this past week?"
I haven't had to be here since Thursday; that's always a plus.
"Can't think of a thing," Jess answers simply, his eyes involuntarily moving to look at Rory. She's skillfully avoiding his gaze, drawing scribbles in her notebook.
"There has to be something positive," Ms. Leon encourages. "You said you moved. How's that going?"
Rory visibly tenses next to her, her scribbles pausing.
"Swell," he drawls sarcastically.
"Meet any new friends?"
What is this? Third grade?
"There isn't one person worth talking to," he says harshly. Jess's eyebrows knit together; he hadn't exactly meant for that to come out the way it did. Rory's head snaps up and she glares at him. His stomach turns.
"Have you ever thought maybe you're the problem?" she suggests icily, putting her pen down.
The group grows eerily silent and Ms. Leon's eyes widen.
"Excuse me?"
"Well, you say there's nobody worth talking to in your new town, right?" Rory asks, pausing for a beat. He narrows his eyes. "Maybe you're not putting in enough effort or giving the town a chance."
"And you're the expert in putting in effort for people, huh?" He delivers tersely. Understanding flickers across Rory's eyes, and Jess immediately knows she caught the implication.
Ms. Leon opens her mouth to speak, but Rory cuts her off.
"No. But judging from how you refrain from contributing to this group on a weekly basis, I'm wondering if maybe you could benefit from shifting your perspective," she responds evenly.
Jess feels mildly impressed that Rory had it in her to openly go after him in group. He almost wants to give her credit for wording herself to appear as though she's merely being helpful. Almost.
"Okay guys, let's t—" Ms. Leon interrupts, trying to redirect the group away from the back and forth.
"Perhaps you'd benefit from scrutinizing somebody else's behavior instead of keeping score of how many times I do and don't speak," Jess interjects, raising an eyebrow. "It's a little much."
"I'm just trying to be helpful," Rory delivers with a smile.
"I'm not interested in your individual attention, but thanks."
"Jess!" Ms. Leon says sternly.
"I don't give you individual attention!"
"Rory!" Ms. Leon reaches out a hand and places it on Rory's arm, grabbing her attention.
"You're doing so right now," Jess points out.
Rory, stop. I don't want to do this. His heart is beating in his ears. He feels himself growing more aggravated at being called out, and he knows that if she doesn't stop, he'll say something he might regret.
"You think awfully highly of yourself," she spits out. His jaw clenches.
"I mean, I'm guess I'm flattered, Ms. Gilmore, really," Jess continues, holding a hand to his chest. "But I just don't like you like that."
Jess watches hurt settle in Rory's eyes. His chest tightens. He didn't want to lie to her. I didn't want to say that to you.
"Alright, that's enough," Ms. Leon insists, moving her arms in a wide 'X' gesture to indicate the argument was over. "I'd like both of you to please step outside a moment."
Jess rolls his eyes and pushes himself off of the chair with one hand. As he crosses the room, Rory stands up in front of him and he follows her out. Ms. Leon says something to the group excusing them, but Jess isn't listening. He's focusing on the tension he feels emanating from Rory, watching her shoulders rise and fall with every quick, heated breath.
Ms. Leon trails behind them and closes the door behind her, a frown gracing her typically happy countenance.
"What is going on today?" She asks, looking between Jess and Rory in disbelief. "I hardly expect this kind of back and forth in a therapeutic context!"
Jess looks at her blankly. He didn't do well with reprimands. Rory, on the other hand, looks nervous and upset.
"I know," she breathes, staring at her feet. She hugs herself protectively. "I don't know what happened."
"I thought I was clear when we spoke, Rory," Ms. Leon says sternly, raising her eyebrows at the brunette. Jess raises his eyebrows and glances at Rory; clearly she understands the cryptic message that Ms. Leon gives her because Rory's face pales. Jess feels sudden compassion for her, registering a mild panic in her expression.
"You were," she says quietly.
"I'm going to give you guys five minutes to work out whatever it is you need to work out," Ms. Leon says decisively, pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration. "And I expect you both to come back in composed."
Jess rolls his eyes but steals a concerned glance at Rory. She seems to be infatuated with a chip in the tile next to her foot. Jess shrugs, realizing he has to be the vocal one.
"Sure thing, Misses," Jess drawls, tipping an invisible hat and bowing his head in a grand gesture. Ms. Leon looks unimpressed but turns on her heel.
"And I expect both of you to stay after today to discuss how to proceed," she adds before entering back into the room.
The two teenagers release a collective sigh. Jess decides that if he's going to hash things out with Rory, it won't be in front of the door for all of the dinks inside to hear. He lazily turns on his heel and begins to stroll down the hallway. He listens as he walks; it isn't long before he hears soft footsteps behind him.
Where's the best place to have a fight around here? He wonders absently. He takes a sharp left and heads back out to the parking lot. Jess hears the door open and close behind him, and he smirks to himself. It felt nice to know that in spite of her anger, Rory would follow him where he went. He digs into his pocket for his cigarettes and takes a step back so that he can gauge her face while he lights one.
Rory stares at the smoke as it runs from Jess's cigarette, creeping higher and higher into the sky. The weight of what Ms. Leon had implied falls heavily on her, making it difficult to really want to move. She'd promised to keep things out of group, no matter what happened with Jess. And she had initiated the exact opposite of that just now. She couldn't even blame Jess for saying what he said, even if it did hurt.
It really hurt, she thinks to herself, sighing. She feels his eyes on her but she's not ready to look into them. She fears that if she does, he'll be able to read the sadness and bitterness and anxiety. Rory drops her eyes to the floor before finally allowing them to meet his, realizing that they are on a time crunch.
"You okay?" Jess asks in a tone so gentle that it sends a shiver down her spine. She remembers this tone from a not so distant Tuesday night.
Rory doesn't answer; she simply continues to look at Jess, suddenly not caring whether he can read her. His mouth twitches and he looks up, almost as if he's deciding something, and takes another drag from the cigarette.
"Whatever it is, you'll be fine," he assures her, his voice thick with smoke. She watches as he looks at the ground and kicks a rock. "Just tell her it's my fault."
"It doesn't work that way," Rory mumbles, hugging her body. Sometimes she wished it did. Defending him certainly didn't gain her ground with Dean or Lorelai. They stand in silence for a few seconds.
"Why did you say what you said?" she hears herself ask. Rory blinks, caught off guard by her own voice. She curses inside of her head. What if she didn't like what he had to say?
Jess regards her with a curious look, but she can't really read his expression. He just shrugs, looking down at his shoes.
"It's true."
It feels like she's been slapped, and suddenly Rory wants nothing more than to retreat from this conversation because she's not sure where it will take them. She's not sure if she can handle this conversation on top of everything else that's already happened today.
"Well that's great," Rory supplies bitterly, hardening her face into a glare. She watches Jess tense up, and when he locks eyes with her, she does everything she can to convey how much she thinks he sucks right now into the look she gives him.
"Well I don't really have a reason to believe I should feel otherwise, do I?" He asks flatly, taking a step back from her to study her face. It's a challenge, Rory realizes. He's calling her out to be honest about how she feels about him.
"No, I guess you don't," she hears herself say, laced in venom she didn't know she had in her. Why can't you just tell him how you feel? This is so stupid! A brief look of hurt crosses Jess's face but otherwise he's stone cold, clenching his jaw.
"Good, so I guess there won't be any more policing of my activities," Jess supplies coolly. Rory feels heat rising to her face in anger.
"You can do whatever you want," Rory snaps, moving to turn around back toward the front door. "I officially don't care."
Rory isn't more than a few paces away from Jess before she feels his presence beside her. She gives him a sideways glance and all but cringes at the glare he's giving her.
"Huh, you know, that's funny you should say that," Jess quips, picking up his pace to cut her off. He stands in front of her, his eyes flaring. Rory stands firm, balling her hands into fists.
"And why's that?"
"You seemed to care quite a bit this morning when you bolted from Luke's," Jess reminds her, his eyes dark. Rory's jaw clenches.
"You're right, I did care," Rory admits, eying him. He looks taken aback for a moment but recovers quickly.
"I mean, I'd just eaten," Rory continues, matter-of-factly. "If I didn't get out of there, I might have lost my breakfast watching you two suck face."
Jess laughs, but it's a cold and bitter sound.
I hate when you laugh like that. Please don't laugh like that, Rory pleas inwardly.
"Well hey," Jess remarks, lightly throwing a hand out to tap Rory's arm. "Now you know what it's like to watch you and Dean kiss."
Rory tenses up. So Lane was right; Jess had seen her and Dean kiss that night. She couldn't think of another time he could have; Rory barely liked holding Dean's hand in public anymore, so kissing him was usually done in the privacy of her home. If she wasn't so angry, she might be able to focus on that.
"There's nothing gross about Dean and I—you know, two people in a real, committed relationship—expressing affection for one another," Rory defends, crossing her arms tightly over her chest.
"The only thing real about your relationship with Dean is your commitment to pretending to enjoy being within two feet of him," Jess scoffs. Jess takes a step back when he sees the hurt and offense come across Rory's face, but his expression remains emotionless. Rory sees the lack of care in his face and she fumes. Who did he think he was, judging her relationship with Dean?
"Look," Jess begins.
"No," Rory says sharply, cutting him off. "You have no right to judge me and Dean's relationship."
"And you have no right to judge my relationship with Shane!"
"Shane?" Rory snickers. "As in, 'come back'?"
"Yup."
"Wow, what a winner. Her parents couldn't be more creative? Name her Rainbow, perhaps?"
Stop it, Rory instructs herself. She feels exhausted by this exchange. She doesn't want to fight with Jess, she just can't control the anger that rises, and somewhere deep down she's appreciative that she's even talking to him. It was a weird, twisted experience, and all she wanted was to stop it.
"Right, because 'Dean' just screams cool," Jess deadpans. "That's pretty petty of you, Gilmore; judging Shane just by her name."
The urge to hurt him takes over before Rory can beat the instinct down.
"Oh, it's not just by her name," Rory remarks acidly, taking a step towards Jess. "It's also by the way she dresses and the company she chooses to keep."
Rory immediately regrets what she's said after it's left her mouth because for the first time, she can truly distinguish a look of hurt cross Jess's face. She thought it might have felt satisfying, but really, it just made her feel lousy. Before she can apologize, Jess clenches his jaw and closes the distance between them. Rory shifts uncomfortably and holds her breath, trying not to focus on the smell of his cologne.
"You didn't seem to mind my company when you were throwing yourself into my arms," he says venomously, bringing his face dangerously close to hers. "Or when you called me to tell me about group."
Rory's pulse pounds in her ears. He was so close that she could feel his breath on her.
"I—"
"And you didn't seem to mind my company when you lied to your boyfriend about where you were Tuesday night to get dinner with me after group." Jess punctuates words randomly with his finger, gesturing toward the ground.
That's not fair. She inhales sharply.
"But—"
"And you really didn't seem to mind my company all those times we talked about books and music and movies, or when we ended aforementioned night by almost kissing."
Rory's stomach clenches and she feels tears beginning to spring beneath her eyelashes. Jess breathes deeply in front of her, his chest rising and falling heavily. The tears start to blur her vision but she doesn't break eye contact with him. She vaguely wonders what happened to his cigarette but shakes the thought away, physically shaking her head in front of him.
"No?" He asks incredulously, misreading her actions. No, no that's not what I mean. She can't find her words so she uses her hands instead. Rory reaches out as Jess begins to back away, clutching his shirt in her hands, shaking her head furiously.
Jess jerks away from her, shaking his head.
"No, Rory. I'm not letting you fall into my arms again," he says sharply, backing away from her toward the door.
Don't walk away, she begs in her head. Her pulse quickens and her heart lodges itself in her throat, preventing her from calling out. How had this day even gotten to this point? They had gone an entire week without speaking, and now here they were, three fights in on the first day exchanging eye contact.
He turns away from her, sighing.
"You're not worth it," he says quietly, heading back inside.
The tears spill over in heavy streams at the sound of his words. Rory slowly feels unsteady and slowly sinks toward the concrete. She bends her knees and pulls them in closely, burying her head in her lap.
She can vaguely smell the cigarette burning near her, but all she can focus on is how everything she thought she finally wanted is going up in smoke around her.
Rory sits that way for a few minutes and looks at her watch. She sighs deeply through her nose. There was so much time left in group.
Impulsively Rory pulls out her phone and begins dialing. She sniffles and plays absently with the hem of her skirt, listening to one, two, three rings of the phone.
"Hello?"
"Mom?"
"Rory? What's wrong? Aren't you in group?"
Rory chokes as the tears start up again. "Mom, can you call Ms. Leon and tell her I had an emergency and needed to come home?"
"Rory, are you okay?" Lorelai asks, worry evident in her voice.
"I just need to come home," she admits, allowing herself to cry. "I'll tell you when I get there, okay? Can you please just do this for me?"
There's a deliberate pause on the other end before her mom finally speaks.
"Okay kiddo. You got it. Just, don't drive until you're calm, okay?"
"Okay," Rory agrees, pulling the phone away from her ear and ending the call.
"Oh no," Rory groans, rubbing her eyes. Her bag. Her keys. She had to go back in there.
Rory purses her lips and paces back and forth. How could she do this without drawing attention to herself? Maybe it didn't matter. If Lorelai was going to call, Ms. Leon would get an explanation, right? Right. And the guys would see her upset, sure, but they'd forget about it, right? Right.
It was Jess she didn't want to see. He didn't care for her tears or her feelings — he'd made that much certain. It didn't matter that he seemed to like her at some point; he had made it very clear that she wasn't who he wanted right now.
Pacing a bit more, Rory stops and stares at the cigarette abandoned by Jess. That cigarette. That dumb cigarette. That dumb cigarette by that jerk. As she stares at it, she's filled with the righteous anger of a woman scorned. Rory huffs and stalks back inside before she can lose her confidence.
The door bursts open and Jess watches with mild curiosity as Rory enters back into the group. Ms. Leon glances at her but continues to focus on Amry, who's sharing about the fight about… something and a bagel, Jess isn't really sure.
Rory averts his eyes and walks quietly over to her seat. Reluctantly, he notes that she's been crying. His chest tightens at how sad she looks against his better judgment and he frowns, annoyed with himself.
She picks up her things, slinging her backpack over her shoulder. Jess raises an eyebrow. She was leaving? But they had to talk to Ms. Leon. Rory of all people wasn't the type to ditch out on something like that—not when it affected her grade.
Rory shoots a quick apologetic look at Ms. Leon before turning away. Jess can't hide his look of surprise as she retreats from the room.
He also can't stop the feeling of disappointment that settles in his chest as she walks out, closing the door behind her without so much as a glance in his direction.