He felt the need…
The need to pee.
Something big and drastic was happening to the hierarchy of the Covenant. The Jiralhanae, for some reason, were suddenly taking over as Honor Guards—and more significantly, getting a role as important, if not more so, as that of the Sangheili themselves.
The Arbiter noticed a Jiralhanae and a Sangheili fighting over a staff. The former punched his opponent in the crotch and the Sangheili went down with a strangled cry of "Mommy!" The Arbiter shuddered as he passed a pair of Jiralhanae Honor Guards on his way into the Prophets' chamber.
Sadumee waved a pistol in Truth and Mercy's faces. "This is unprecedented!" he exclaimed in shock. "Unacceptable!"
The Prophet of Truth, ever patient, cunning and sociopathic, regarded Rtas 'Sadumee like one would a glob of chewing gum on the sole of their shoe. "A Hierarch is dead, Commander. D-E-A-D, dead." His voice lowered to a bare whisper. "Now he's out of the way—er, it is…regretful the Demon got in the way! Not to imply I was involved in Regret's death—I mean, certainly not!"
Fortunately, 'Sadumee was so angry, he didn't hear the treacherous words; neither did the Arbiter. "His murderer was within our grasp," the Ultra growled. "If someone," he continued, giving Truth the Pointy Finger of Doom, "had not withdrawn our Phantoms—"
"HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY DECISION!" the Prophet of Truth shrieked in a rare moment of lunacy. "AREN'T YOU?"
Shocked, 'Sadumee took a half-step back. "No, Holy One. I only wish to express my concern that the Jiralhanae—"
"Recommissioning—"
"FUCK!" cried 'Sadumee in extreme, pent-up rage.
Truth still had a finger up to enunciate his sentence. He glared and resumed, "Recommissioning the Guard was a radical step, but recent events have made it abundantly clear that the Sangheili can no longer guarantee our safety. They suck ass."
'Sadumee knew he was beaten and turned to leave. "I shall relay your decision to the Council." He walked away, nodding sadly at the Arbiter, and murmured in Truth's general direction, "Asshole."
"What was that?" Truth yowled, but the Sangheili had already vanished. "SOMEONE GET ME A COLD GLASS OF UNGGOY BLOOD!"
The Arbiter quaked in his boots as he approached.
The Prophet of Truth managed a Cheney-esque lopsided grin. "Did you know, Arbiter, that the Sangheili have threatened to resign? To quit the High Council? All because of this exchange of hats?"
"We," replied the Arbiter with a note of confusion in his voice, "have always been your protectors." Tears welled up in his eyes.
"Oh, shut up, you pussy," scoffed the Prophet of Truth. "These are trying times for all of us."
"Indeed," Mercy grumbled. "Even as the humans' rape and annihilation filled us with the satisfaction, the loss of one of the Sacred Rings wracked our hearts with—"
Truth was beginning to become most annoyed at his comrade's getting in more words than himself. "Putting our sorrow aside," he continued, cutting Mercy off with a vulgar gesture, "we renewed our faith in the prophecy that other rings would be found. And see how our faith has been rewarded!"
The Prophets turned in their gravity thrones to look out the window at Installation 05—Delta Halo.
"Halo!" drooled Mercy, before Truth could speak again. "Its divine wind will rush through the stars, propelling all who are worthy along the path to salvation!"
The Prophet of Truth had had enough. "Are you done?" he deadpanned.
Mercy gave him a saddened look and shut his mouth.
"But how to start this process? For ages, we searched for one who might unlock the secrets of the ring—an Oracle. And with your help," said Truth with a nod to the Arbiter, "we found it."
The "Oracle" looked dazed. 343 Guilty Spark, trapped in energy-field-induced suspended animation, slurred, "I haaaaaven't beeeen this buuuuzzed in twenty-five-thousand yeeeeeaaars!"
The Prophet of Mercy saw his chance. In one breath, he shouted, "With appropriate humility we plied the Oracle with questions and it with clarity and grace has shown us the key!"
Unfortunately for the wrinkled old alien, his fellow had heard every word. Truth turned to Mercy and said in a sinister voice, "Shut. Up."
Mercy hid his fearful expression behind his many facial wrinkles.
"You will journey to the surface of the ring, and retrieve this Sacred Dildo. With it, we shall fulfill our promise—"
"SALVATION FOR ALL!" cried Mercy at the top of his lungs, desperate to say something.
"—And begin the Great Journey," growled the Prophet of Truth, as he changed the hologram to display what looked like a large, T-shaped metal sex toy, clenching his fists and teeth in a struggle to keep from murdering Mercy, right here, right now.
Delta Halo's serene atmosphere was assaulted with noise as the Phantom carrying the Arbiter swiftly descended to his destination.
Tartarus scratched his hairy behind with one hand. "Once the shield is down, we'll head straight to the Library. I do not wish to keep the Hierarchs waiting."
The Arbiter couldn't care less about the Prophets' impatience. "The human who killed the Prophet of Regret…who was it?"
Tartarus gagged loudly. "Who do you think?" he growled.
The Arbiter gulped and whimpered, "The Demon is here?"
"No shit, Sherlock…whoever that is. Looking for a little payback, are we?"
The Arbiter finished checking his carbine. "Retrieving the Dildo is my only concern."
Tartarus laughed so hard, the dropship almost fell out of the air. "Of course," he said sarcastically.
The Phantom approached the Sentinel Wall, and the Arbiter wondered if there would be any Sentinels waiting for him—then realized how stupid a question that was. Of course there would be. He floated to the floor. "Ready, willing and unstable," he muttered to himself, and leveled the carbine.
The Arbiter was thousands of feet off the ringworld's surface. Smaller robots called Constructors flew around here and there, repairing machinery. There was a soft but ominous wind. It was quiet…too quiet.
A gigantic shadow loomed behind him. The Arbiter spun around, saw what was casting it and gasped, "Oh. My. Forerunners."
It resembled a Sentinel, but was far larger. Two oddly-shaped energy shields covered its front. It had four arms and a huge phallic-looking weapon.
"Mommy," said the Arbiter, who, without further ado, shit himself.
The machine was just about to attack, when it was struck by several heavy plasma bolts. Tartarus had seen the robot and had come back around to drive it away. The Phantom swooped by, still firing, and the machine gave chase. "Lower the shield, Arbiter! I'll deal with this Enforcer and pick you up when you're finished!" Tartarus told him.
The Arbiter made his way towards the piston, swatting at the Constructors. Before he had gotten there, he heard a loud buzzing sound. "Uh-oh."
A device mounted on a wall glowed blue and red, and a Sentinel exited from it. It saw the Arbiter and immediately let him have it. "OW!" he screamed. He whipped out his plasma pistol and fired. BOOM! The robot exploded into bits, save its laser weapon. The Arbiter appropriated it and ran to a piston.
"What's up, Arbiter?" said a veteran Unggoy who stood there. The Arbiter punted the other alien down the open shaft. "AAAAAHH!"
"This isn't so ba—OW! EE! OOH! AAH!" The Arbiter's ass hit metal and he ricocheted off the walls like a pinball in its machine. He slammed into the floor, spread-eagled, and moaned, "Tilt…!"
"Arbiter our savior!" As two Kig-Yar with Brute plasma rifles approached, the Unggoy told them, "Stupid Kig-Yar. Say 'thank you!'" It poked the Arbiter with its needler. "Is Arbiter okay?"
The Arbiter flopped up and down like a fish out of water, got up and said, "Of course. Never felt better." He leaned backward, and his backbone cracked. "Owie." He looked the Unggoy over. "Where are your superiors?" he asked, emphasizing superiors with hate in his voice.
The Unggoy shrugged. "Last time we see, they tell us to guard entrance. We no see them since. More Unggoy and Kig-Yar on lower floors, but Sentinels big pain in excretement hole."
"I see," deadpanned the Arbiter as he patted his arm where the Sentinel had zapped him. "Go hide and wait for reinforcements."
"But—but—you not help?"
"That's an order." The Arbiter giggled uncontrollably. He hadn't gotten to say that in a long time.
The Unggoy obeyed with a grumble as the Arbiter went on through more piston shafts and Sentinels, and so on and so forth.
After yet another piston, the Arbiter encountered a group of fleeing Unggoy, who wet themselves as they ran. "What happened?" he asked.
An Unggoy jumped into his lap and screamed, "BIG SCARY THING! RUN AWAY! IT GOT BLINGBLING!" The Arbiter dropped the lesser alien and watched stupidly as it scrambled away in the other direction. He motioned to the two Kig-Yar, who crouched behind their orange shields. "You two. Go investigate."
Combat ready, they went around the corner, out of his sight. The Arbiter grinned at the following sound of plasma fire. Seconds later, there was a different sound, followed by explosions and the screams of the Kig-Yar. The Arbiter immediately frowned. He crept over to where they were and saw their smoldering corpses. "Oh, my." He looked up and saw an Enforcer moving ominously toward him.
Tartarus contacted him at the same time. "It is useless to attack the Enforcer at the front, especially when its shields are up. Stay in the shadows, wait until it loses interest, then strike the beast when its back is turned." When the Arbiter didn't respond, he guessed the rest. "It's already seen you, hasn't it?"
"Yep." The Arbiter began to sweat.
"Well…good luck. Bye!"
"Shit." The Arbiter leapt off the platform onto some sort of gondola. The Enforcer turned to follow, but he threw a plasma grenade at just the right angle. The technological terror didn't react, even as it exploded into too many pieces.
Just as he began to relax, the gondola moved. He growled in frustration. He could never get a break, could he?
"Uh-oh." As the gondola came to a stop, the Arbiter was immediately attacked by Sentinels and Orgy. "DIE!" he cried as he simultaneously fired a plasma rifle at the Sentinels and an SMG at the Orgy. He noticed an opening and jumped through it. Like a hurdler, he bounded over barriers and made his way to the next piston.
As the disgraced Sangheili warrior landed, he noticed a shotgun lying on the floor. He picked it up and thought, Humans. Ironically, he intercepted a transmission. It was a human. "Proceed to the objective! We'll hold 'em off as long as we can! Aah! AAH! GET IT OFF MY ASS! Suppressive fire! Suppressive fire!"
The Arbiter plowed through Marine and Orgy alike and fell through piston after piston, until finally, he made it outside.