A/N: Short update. But an update nonetheless.
Another night, another bar, another couple of shots of whiskey, another card game.
He didn't even know where he was, not really. He'd just ran. And before there had been excuses and rationales and cold, fragmented logic. Now there was just truth; he was running away from Danny.
Seemed like everything he touched turned to shit these days. All his plans had crumbled and Danny wanted answers he didn't know how to give. And he believed now, he wasn't going to be able to make Danny hate him, no matter what he did. But that had been his only choice and now he didn't know what to do.
Even now he felt like he was on the very edge of a precipice. Wound up like some hideous spring and he was certain that if someone so much as touched him he'd just shatter.
This wasn't him. Except it was. These days, it was.
He didn't know what to do.
It was only when he'd stumbled into the bar, ordering a drink and paying with money he'd lifted from a guy outside that he really understood what he was doing. What he needed.
The bar was loud and crowded and smoke-filled, and he watched the people and picked his targets.
Four guys playing poker in the corner. Getting dealt in was the easiest thing in the world. He flashed a handful of cash, made like he was soft and easy and then spent the next hour goading them.
Winning was easy. With cards, winning was always easy. Again and again they fell his way and he grinned like there could be no doubt.
"Thanks for the money, guys," he said, and he watched the gathering fury like the warning signs of a hurricane. "You got any more for me?"
"Shut up and deal, kid," the bald one sneered. He hadn't bothered with their names. Hadn't given his. Making friends wasn't what this was about.
"Here we go," he said, cards dancing smoothly and at least this hadn't deserted him yet, at least this was still in his power. "Jacks or better progressive, Jokers are wild, you can pick up a new card on an even bet and your flies are undone."
Three of them looked. He laughed out loud and watched their faces darken , their eyes narrow, their fists clench.
He threw himself into the pattern of the game, wild and reckless and rash, and with every impossibly falling card, every stupid, mocking comment, he was asking for the fight, begging them for the fight.
"Show your fucking cards, kid," the bald one growled at last and he was holding a straight flush and thought he was unbeatable. Rusty had made him think he was unbeatable.
He smiled and dropped them to the table one by one. Ace of Hearts, Ace of Diamonds, Ace of Clubs, Ace of Spades, Joker.
He could feel the anger crackling through the air and he'd brought them right to the very edge.
"Five Aces," he said, and the grin was as wide as it ever had been. "Bet you've never seen that before."
"You cheating little bastard." He wasn't even exactly sure which of them had spoken. The words were barely whispered but they were all standing up, slowly. The bald one, who was so much bigger than he'd seemed when he was sitting, drew back his fist.
Rusty knew what was about to happen.
This was what he wanted to happen.
This was what was supposed to happen.
It didn't.
Danny stepped out in front of him. Stood between him and the men who were going to hit him. And he wasn't even looking at Rusty.
Rusty hadn't even known he was there. He'd had no idea.
"Come on, guys," Danny said softly. "You don't want to do this." He pushed all the money that had been stacked up in front of Rusty across the table. "Just take your cash and forget about it, huh?"
"It's not your business," the bald one said dismissively. "Fuck off, already." The anger was still there and Rusty wanted to agree, wanted to tell Danny to stay out of it, that it wasn't his business, that he knew what he was asking for.
"Yeah, it is," Danny said, and he wasn't just speaking to them. "He's my brother. It's my business."
It shouldn't be...he could still have the fight. At this stage, probably all he had to do was open his mouth. But Danny was here now, mixed up right in the middle of it, and no matter how hard he thought, Rusty couldn't think of any words that would make Danny stay out of it. Danny was protecting him and it made him so fucking angry.
The one in the baseball cap grinned menacingly. "Well, your brother is a dirty little cheat."
Danny took a step towards the men, but his whole posture was relaxed, not challenging them. Rusty was the only person who'd catch the crackle of anger. "He's just a kid," Danny argued persuasively, and Rusty could hear the smile in his voice and Danny's charisma levels were as high as they'd ever been. Relaxed and charming and persuasive and he had their attention and they weren't punching. "Come on. We all did stupid things when we were kids, right? Fuck, he's not old enough to know what he's doing."
He wanted to scream that he wasn't a kid and that he'd known exactly what he was doing, but Danny shifted his weight, the subtlest tilt of his head, and Danny was begging him to stay out of it. To let Danny handle it.
Still, he considered it. Just for a moment.
"Yeah?" The bald one was still frowning but there was more hesitation now, less belligerence. The storm was dissipating. "Well, seems like someone should teach him right from wrong."
Danny shrugged. "Well, we all learn in the end, right? Look, you got your money back. How about I buy all of you a drink – a couple of drinks," He pulled a couple of crisp notes out of nowhere and their eyes were fixed on them greedily. "And we forget the whole thing?"
The money was practically snatched out of Danny's hand. "Just don't let us catch you round here again," the bald one snarled at Rusty. "Next time big brother might not be here to save you."
Yeah. He fucking hoped not.
Danny's arm settled urgently round his shoulders and he let Danny drag him out of the bar and into the narrow alley.
The moment they were outside, he shook Danny away irritably. "You followed me," he said accusingly.
"Yeah." Danny didn't look in the least bit sorry. "You actually telling me you're surprised? You actually telling me that you thought I'd just let you walk out again?"
"I can take care of myself!" he argued. "I don't need you following me around, rescuing me, or whatever."
"Right. Because you sure looked like you were taking care of yourself," Danny said, and Danny was angry and frustrated and miserable, but so was Rusty.
"So, what, your plan was just to let me run off, follow me and, what, save me from myself?" He could hear the scorn in his voice. The irritation, the anger.
"I didn't know where you were going," Danny yelled. "I didn't know where you were going, Rus'. But you seemed so desperate. I thought...I was frightened that - "
" – what?" he demanded.
"I thought maybe you were going to meet your Dad," Danny said, looking away. "I thought..." He took a deep breath. "If he was here, if he'd found us and wanted money, or whatever...you wouldn't tell me."
No. He wouldn't. And they both knew why.
"Well, he's not here," he spat. And there was something else. "What else?"
Danny licked his lips. "I thought you might be meeting a dealer."
"You think I'm on drugs?" he demanded.
"You were yesterday," Danny said, meeting his eyes evenly. "Do you have any idea what it's like...You were gone for four days and you come back out of your head and you take those sleeping pills, and you've been acting – "
" – so it has to be drugs, right?" he asked scornfully. "That's the easy answer as seen in all the best PSAs."
Danny persisted. "So the last four days – "
" – first time," he insisted. First time, last time. Hadn't made him feel better. And if he wasn't so furious with Danny, he'd have told him that. "Since when are you such a fucking boyscout?"
"Since you come home looking like the piñata at an orgy!"
He wanted to turn away from the raw agony in Danny's voice. But he couldn't. "It was all...I didn't do anything I didn't want to do."
"And today?" Danny demanded. "Was that all what you wanted to do? Rusty, those guys were going to beat the shit out of you. You didn't have a chance – "
He glared. " – I'm not – " he began.
Danny didn't let him finish. " – you're fifteen! And there were four of them. You were going to lose and you provoked them. You picked that fight, I saw you. Five Aces? What the fuck is that?"
"I knew what I was doing!" he answered angrily. "I had it covered."
"They were going to hit you," Danny pointed out incredulously.
He shrugged dismissively. "Yeah, well, it's not like that's anything new."
There was a long silence. "What's going on?" Danny demanded finally.
He was tired of this. Fuck, he was tired of this. Tired of that fucking question, tired of the whole deal. "Why does anything have to be going on? Why can't you just leave me alone, Danny. Maybe I'd be fine if you just left me alone. So I got drunk. High, whatever. And yeah, I started that fight, and the last one too, but it's no big deal." He glared at Danny. Listened to the whisper of fury coursing through his veins. "I know what I'm doing. And if I want to get into trouble, if I want to start fights, maybe you should just leave me to it. Those guys were stupid, you know that? They deserve to have their money taken away. And I could handle them! Just stay out of my face!"
"Do you know what you're doing?" Danny asked in a low voice.
He couldn't stand this. "I just told you – "
" – I mean right now." Danny snapped, cutting across him. "Do you know what you're doing right now?"
There was something in Danny's voice. He paused. Looked at himself. He was standing in front of Danny, squared up to Danny, his fists clenched, still spoiling for a fight, still tense and angry and ready and it was all too obvious where this was going.
No. This was what he didn't want. This was what he never wanted.
With a hoarse, agonised cry, he threw himself across the alley, as far from Danny as he could and he turned back and yelled. "Nothing hurts, Danny. Nothing hurts I'm not scared and it's not normal and it's not right and I don't know what to do!"
There was a moment of silence.
"Oh, Rus'." Danny's voice was gentle and helpless.
He wasn't finished. "And I'm scared all the time, and I keep thinking Dad's going to find us, and I think I'm going crazy and I don't want to hurt you."
"That's why you wanted me to hate you," Danny said with quiet understanding. "That's why you wanted to leave."
He leaned back against the wall and slid to the ground. "Sometimes...sometimes Mom wasn't hurting me when she hurt me. Sometimes she didn't see me. Things can be inherited, Danny. And I'm so angry all the time, and I've been having all these nightmares, and I saw...I thought I saw..."
"What?" Danny asked gently.
"Dad," he admitted.
There was a pause. And he didn't look at Danny, not even when Danny crossed the alley and crouched down in front of him. "When?"
He stared at his hands. "Fell asleep in a doorway. The owner was chasing me, I ran into this cop and I thought he was Dad."
There was a long silence and he could feel Danny frowning. "So you were sleep-deprived and disorientated and panicking and you were running and you thought you saw the thing you're normally running from?"
He knew what Danny wanted him to think. Knew the conclusions Danny wanted him to reach. But it didn't work. "You can't just – "
Danny sat beside him. " – I just think that maybe there are other explanations here, Rus'. I think that maybe you're jumping to the worst options."
He licked his lips. "What, you think that if I got a good night's sleep everything would be better?" He thought he meant to sound scornful. Really, he just sounded desperate and hopeful.
"Couldn't hurt," Danny said calmly.
"I've been having these nightmares," he admitted blindly.
"I know." Danny sounded comforting. And right in that moment, all Rusty wanted to do was lay his head on Danny's shoulder. Let Danny take care of him.
"They were waking me up all the time," he went on shakily. "I took the pills so I'd stay asleep. I didn't want to wake up."
There was a pause. "You should've told me," Danny said at last, and he was sitting closer now.
"Everything's supposed to be better," Rusty said quietly. "That was the point. We get away from there and everything's supposed to be better." His voice rose at the end and he could hear the tremor.
"Look at me," Danny said firmly, and Rusty turned his head. "Everything is better," Danny said and he meant it, Rusty could see in his eyes that he meant it. "We'll get through this, I promise, Rus'. Nothing we can't do."
Rusty smiled at him. "Nothing we can't do," he echoed and in that moment he believed it.