CHAPTER 10:

CONFRONTATION WITH THE KID

Shinichi got off the train, still in deep thought. His feet unconsciously, took him to the Clock Tower, where he had first faced the Kid. He made his way to the top of the tower, ignoring the rain that had started falling a few minutes ago, and sat there watching the people in the city go about their business, blissfully ignorant about how hard life could be. He ideally wondered whether he would die if he jumped from there, but he didn't want to dirty the place of his memories so he sat where he was.

He had no idea how long he sat there, perched on the top of the Clock Tower where he had first faced off Kid, he watched the light fading and the darkness started descending. He saw the people going about their work, blissfully ignorant about the true darkness that lurks in the shadows, about the true meaning of agony, of loneliness and of pain. Faced with few hardships they break down and curse their fate. He wondered who he should curse, himself for being so curious, his curiosity, his luck, or life for sucking so much, or perhaps the world.

He suddenly felt another person's presence besides him. It wasn't a hostile presence, in fact it was a comforting presence that made him want to relax, a presence he knew intimately that's why he didn't move and remained exactly as he was, showing his trust in the other person, who had suddenly appeared besides him.

Kaito had seen Shinichi's note, addressed to him, when he got home. But when he hadn't returned even after midnight, Kaito had become worried and had gone out to search for him, along with his birds. Yuki, the dove that Shinichi had saved during Memories Egg heist found him and had led Kaito to where Shinichi was perched, at the top of the Clock Tower.

He looked so small sitting there with only dark night and the moon for company, so alone.

"What are you doing here, Tantei-kun?"he asked, as he silently joined him in stargazing. "You know I was worried when you didn't come back or called." He told him, in a quiet voice.

Shinichi remained silent for so long that Kaito had thought; he was not going to answer him. When he slowly, and so quietly whispered that Kaito had to strain his ears to catch his words "Just wondering whether I would die if I jump from here, but I don't want to dirty the place of our memories."

Kaito frowned "What do you mean, Shin-Chan? Why do you want to die?"

But Shinichi continued as if he hadn't heard him, "You know at first I wanted nothing more than to get my body back, to bring them to justice and to make them pay for the sufferings they put me through. And then that avalanche happened and I found myself among them, I couldn't even run away I had nowhere to go and they would have found and killed me and everyone else who knew me. I was forced to work for them and every day I condemned innocents to hopelessness and darkness. Every day I was forced to kill a part of myself, until there was nothing left. After awhile I didn't care whether I got my body back or not; I just wanted to bring them to justice. I just wanted it to end, and I thought I would pay for my crimes after death. Bu now even death is out of my reach. I don't even know whether to cry at my luck, or laugh at the irony of my life."

"Shinichi, look at me"Kaito said forcefully and when he did, Kaito was taken aback at the pain and darkness that was reflected in them, "What happened, Shinichi? What did that girl from the organization tell you?"he asked, worriedly. He knew that in a way Shinichi had given up on his life, but he had always been good at covering up the desolate look in his eyes, and now for it to reach him, he had no idea what to do. Looking at the bleak expression on Shinichi's face, he was feeling quite helpless and powerless.

"There's no antidote." Shinichi told him.

"So! You said yourself I doesn't matter whether you can turn back or not."Kaito told him, not understanding.

"I don't, but that's not all."He answered.

"Then what's the matter?" he asked.

"She said that the drug was created on the information based on the findings of her parents." He told him

"I still don't understand."

"They were searching for the ways to achieve immortality. The drug that Haibara created was incompatible with the people's DNA, that's why it turned into a poison. But it matched our DNA. We are something we never wanted to be, immortal. Unless we die before we reach our original age, we will remain like this forever. Even then she isn't sure, whether we will die or not. Apotoxin may not let us die." He told him brokenly, "My life work was to search for the truth, but when I pulled the trigger and took life for the first time, I lost my way, the truth I was seeking. I yearned for the peace, prayed for my death to come and embrace me and yet that one way out had also been denied to me."

Kaito had no idea what to say to that, he just froze in surprise, when Shinichi told him about the apotoxin effects, in his wildest dreams he wasn't expecting this. Not knowing what else to do, he just embraced Shinichi, in a warm hug, shielding him from the rain.

Shinichi tensed at first, "Let me go, Kaito. I can't stay here anymore. I am a freak that can't stay here, even if I have nowhere to go."He said hysterically, even if he was refusing to cry.

"Don't you dare say that, Shinichi"Kaito said angrily, "No matter what happens I am not going to leave you, if you want to leave here then we will go together, wherever you wish to go."He told him, and then still hugging him, he whispered quietly, "Just let it all go and cry it's only me here. You can show your weakness in front of me, you are not alone, you have me, and I won't leave you alone no matter what happens I love you and you really never knew me if you think that I will leave you to face this curse of yours alone; just let yourself go, don't worry about your dignity, I will always watch your back, so it's okay to relax and let go."

And so Shinichi did. He let go, and cried himself hoarse. Once the dam was broken, poker face shattered, the emotions came out of him like a flood. Kaito just held him through the storm and once Shinichi had cried himself to sleep, he took him back home.

Next day, when Shinichi woke up, he tensed immediately when he felt someone's arms around him but relaxed after awhile when he realized who it was, after a while he remembered the yesterday events and he tensed again. He almost jumped out of his skin when he felt hands on his shoulders; he twisted around to see Kaito looking at him frowningly, but with a worried gaze.

He slowly, deliberately relaxed his shoulders, as Kaito began to massage them, "I am fine and you don't have to worry about me. I don't know what got into me yesterday I am not so weak, usually. Sorry for worrying you." He told Kaito quietly.

"You have nothing to apologize for, Shinichi. I am glad that you showed me your weakness, that you trusted me enough, to show it to me. And crying is not a weakness; sometimes it's a release, Thank you for trusting me."He answered and Shinichi blushed, even if he had no idea why?

"What…what do you mean stupid thief?" he squeaked, blushing furiously.

"I mean that you look extremely cute and vulnerable while crying your heart out, thank you for showing that side of yours to me, yesterday." Kaito whispered in his ear, smirking.

Shinichi flushed, this time angrily, "What..."

"I love you" Kaito told him, cutting in his angry tirade.

Shinichi blinked, "What?" he asked this time a little stupidly, in a stupefied voice.

"I love you. I realized that after you disappeared and searched for you high and low but couldn't find you anywhere. Still I never stopped believing that you were alive out there somewhere. I swore that when I find you again I would never let you go again. So I will be there for you, no matter what happens. You will find me behind you, always." He told, a dazed looking Shinichi.

"Kaito…" Shinichi whispered his name, in a desperate voice, a plea to understand.

"It's alright if you don't feel the same way for me. I understand, I don't expect you to but, I just wanted to tell you that so that you will understand me and my reasons." Kaito told him quickly seeing his distressed face.

"That's not it Kaito. I… I love you too. It's just that I am not the same."Shinichi told him, despondently.

Kaito was overjoyed when he heard that Shinichi felt the same way, but stopped himself from hugging the boy, frowningly he asked, "What do you mean, Shin-Chan?"

"Kaito, you fell for the boy who is dead. Me that you fell in love was someone like you, who sought justice; someone who like you, abhorred killing, and someone who understood you. Someone you felt was your equal intellectually."

"So?" he asked confusedly, "It's still you."

"But I am not, Kaito. I told you I have been to hell; I have been forced to go against everything I believed in. I have killed people, Kaito, innocents just to save my hide. I am no longer whom you knew. Even I don't know myself anymore. I am a criminal, Kaito. My world is filled with darkness and there's no way out. I am a monster and who knows when the beast within me will find its way out. I am scared Kaito, scared of myself, scared for you. What if I hurt you, I will never be able to forgive myself."He told him brokenly.

"Shinichi…."

"I am sorry. I know that you are disappointed in me; I know you hate me you have every right to. I even hate myself. I will get out…"

"Shinichi, listen to me" Kaito bellowed louder this time.

Shinichi looked at him, not understanding.

"Shinichi I don't hate you, I can never hate you, ever. I am not disappointed, what you did? You were forced to do it." He told him heatedly, desperately trying to make Shinichi see sense.

"That doesn't change the fact that I was the one who pulled the trigger. All those successful kidnappings and killings were because of me." Shinichi told him, miserably.

"And I told you no matter what you have done or will do; I will always love you, forever. If your world is filled with darkness, then I will become your light. If you don't know yourself anymore, then begin anew. Why are you searching in the outside world for yourself, when all you have to do is look within? You are not a monster Shinichi; if you were you wouldn't care what would happen to those around you. You care for me, Shinichi that means that you still have the capability to feel, to care and to love. Live and endure, suffer and pay the price for your wrongdoings. We will endure this pain and suffering, together and I will heal you, even if it takes me an eternity. Even death won't be able to separate me from you; it's my solemn vow to you that I will never leave you again." Kaito told him, in a passionate voice.

Despite his words, Kaito saw a notable change in Shinichi's attitude in the next few days. Before he always was quiet, but Kaito could see the glimmer of humor in his eyes, they glowed in laughter even if he never indulged in it outright. But now that spark was missing from his eyes, it was as if his poker face had become his real face. There were no expressions left in him, he was like a machine, just going about his business like it was dictated to him. He began to shun everyone around him. Kaito saw what he was trying to do and despite his best efforts Shinichi still withdrew within himself and to be truthful he had no idea what to do to make Shinichi happy.

Listening to The Rasmus "Lucifer's Angel" and Skillet "Falling inside the Black", "Whispers in the dark" and "Comatose".