The Ache

As Kai stared down into the streets below, his dark eyes tightened distastefully and he folded his arms. Even from here he could see the reporters, swelling out from the streets and into the road like so many parasites, hungry and desperate to scavenge whatever they could to make a story. The dark mass of arms, legs, cameras and microphones roiled beneath him like the waves of a turbulent storm. All in the name of news. How pathetic.

Of course, he knew that news of the trial would reach the airwaves eventually. It was inevitable. It had been years since someone was put to trial for treason in Japan and the world so loved a scandal. It sickened him. As though his life and the life of so many other boys from the Abbey amounted to nothing more than this pitiful display, this tangled mess of limbs and ears and mouths that wanted nothing more than a word or two to make the front page of a tabloid paper or a snatched moment on camera to make a highlight for this evening's news. The furthering of their careers, Kai thought bitterly, that's all they care about.

Kai turned away from the window and left the lounge, padding his way slowly back to bed. Though bright and cheery this afternoon, the air outside would be crisp and cold and Kai wasn't sure if he wanted to weather it, today. God knows the presence of the reporters only increased his reluctance to go outside at all. So Kai fell back into the soft embrace of his bed and stared at the ceiling. However, he felt no solace in the comfort of those soft sheets.

This bedroom had become a prison.

The same dream had plagued him each night this week: every detail was memorised. Kai didn't even need to close his eyes to see it anymore.

A grungy, dusty, dimly lit corridor. Disorienting for the simple fact that it is much taller than it is wide. If he wanted, he could stretch both arms out beside him and touch the walls easily; to touch the ceiling, however, he would need at least three of himself, each stood on the other's shoulders. It is claustrophobic and frightening and he does not like it at all. In the corridor it is cold – so cold that his breath rises up before him as mist even though he knows this place is deep, deep within the bowels of the Abbey. It bothers him that it is so cold this far underground, far enough to feel the weight of the earth pushing against him from all sides. There is no sound here. It is silent but for his heartbeat. His heartbeat is amplified in the dark and the nothingness. It echoes off the walls around him and ricochets in all directions. It thunders back into his ears and makes him want to cry.

In the dream, Kai walks down the corridor.

And that's it.

There is no running or escaping, no fighting or threats or pain. No Tala or Bryan or anyone else to give this memory any meaning or reason. Just him in the corridor, alone with his fear. Just the simple act of placing one foot in front of the other. Of course, he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to walk along the corridor but he has no other choice. He is scared of what will happen to him if he doesn't do it. He is also scared of what he will face at the end of the corridor, so he lingers. He takes his time. Each reluctant step forward brings with it the smell of earth and mildew, salt and copper. It takes a while, but eventually he realises that that last, metallic scent is the smell of blood.

That was usually the point at which Kai woke up.

He wished he knew why this particular memory was bothering him so much – that is, if it even was a memory. If it was a memory, then it must be an old one – Kai figured he must have been young because in the dream his hands and feet are small and the sound of his footsteps is much lighter than normal. That was the only clue. For all Kai knew, it could just be a visual representation of some age old fear. But that still explained nothing. Nothing of significance happened in the dream. In fact, he wouldn't even be drawn to think of it now if it wasn't for the way that the chill of that dark place clung relentlessly to his bones when he awoke, or if the smell of the blood didn't linger in the air and on his sheets for an uncomfortable length of time.

Kai rolled his eyes and got up out of bed again. It wouldn't do to dwell on dreams. He cast a stormy glance outside the window and wished, somewhat vindictively, that it would rain. That might at least deter some of the less determined reporters away from his apartment. Hell, if he was lucky it might even ruin some of their recording equipment, too.

Slowly stretching out his right arm, then his left arm and finally his back, Kai began to pace around his bed again. He did this all of three times before moving into the en-suite to splash some cold water on his face.

He hated this. All this inertia, all this indecision: this wasn't him and it didn't feel right. Kai was always in control – he had to be, to be at peace with himself. But recently, there was so much that was out of his control. The flashbacks, the dreams and the crowd outside his house… he couldn't control any of those things and he hated it.

Kai looked up to the mirror before him and stared hard into his own eyes.

It dawned on him that just a few weeks ago he was too scared even to do this, the simple act of looking at his own reflection. But it had been ages now since he'd seen that little boy, that echo of himself in the mirror. He might have succumbed to fear and doubt momentarily, he might have let it control him for a while but… hadn't he overcome it eventually? Hadn't he confronted it and accepted the reality of his past as just that – the past. Something that had happened, yes, but it wasn't happening now. It didn't have to control him now.

So why was it?

It was Monday today. On Mondays, Kai went to the gym. That was simply how he liked to start his week. He'd always believed that a sound body and a sound mind came hand-in-hand, so he made it a priority to ensure that his body was in top condition, always. Yet here he was hesitating around the apartment, sighing and second-guessing himself over little more than a crowd of reporters in the street and an unsettled night's sleep.

Kai narrowed his dark, crimson eyes and grit his teeth.

"You are better than this, Kai," he told his reflection stubbornly. "All you have to do is start acting like it."

Three hours later, with the sound of this evening's news from the TV somewhere to the right of him, Kai lost count on the bench press. But it didn't matter. His arms were already shaking and he probably passed his limit several minutes ago.

Breathing heavily, Kai twisted around and forced himself into a sitting position. He reached to the side for his water and drank deeply, wiping the sweat from his brow. Over his shoulder, the TV continued to announce the charges being made against his grandfather in the run-up to the trial. Luckily, it wasn't yet five in the evening and the gym was quiet. No one had stepped forward to bother him since his arrival, though Kai highly suspected that had something to do with Kato and the small exchange he'd had with the man at reception on his arrival. Kai knew a bribe when he saw one. He smirked to himself and combed a hand through his warm, sweat-dampened hair. That overprotective fool.

Restraining a grunt as his muscles protested, Kai gathered up his belongings and made for the showers. It wasn't long before the icy water was falling onto his protesting shoulders, creating a conflicting impression of both pleasure and pain: it was at once a set of sharp knives to his skin and nerves and a soothing balm to his aching, inflamed muscles. Feel this, Kai thought as he stood there in all the euphoria and satisfaction of a post-burnout workout session. Feel this pain. Pure, undiluted life ripping and tearing its way through your body. This is what it's all about, Kai. This is what you used to live for. This is what you've always lived for. And it was. More pain meant more life. More life meant more… well more. It was growth and progress and living and learning and… everything.

Kai closed his eyes beneath the flow of water and waited. Rested. He reveled in the feel of the ice cold spray. It raked slowly, sharply over his skin, cleansing him, purging him. It washed away his sweat and grime, his pain and frustration, leaving behind nothing but the essence of him. The core of what and who he was. In that short, fleeting moment of detachment, Kai opened his eyes and frowned at the strange feeling that descended upon him and wrapped itself around his chest – not tightly or painfully, but simply there. He couldn't put any words to it and just as soon as it had come, it was gone again.

Kai shook his head, thinking it was probably the cold water. He turned the heat up and quickly passed through the motions of finishing his shower and pulling on his change of clothes before making his way towards the exit. As he stepped through the doors he saw Kato waiting by the car, irritably waving away several reporters. Those leeches, following him around. Was nothing too low for them?

Kai hesitated by the doors for just a breath before a moment of opportunity presented itself; He sidestepped and matched pace with a group of youths exiting the gym at that moment. He stuck close behind them, unnoticed, all the way to the end of the street, at which he turned to the right and vanished into the night.

Poor Kato would probably stay there for hours until he realised Kai was no longer inside. Sometimes he wondered why the old man put up with him.

Strolling listlessly through the city, Kai found himself walking past the museum and into the outer public gardens that surrounded the Imperial Palace. A beautiful place, separated from the rest of the mainland by the fresh, tinkling waters of the canal. With the calm serenity of the place and the twinkling Christmas lights that glinted all around, walking over the bridge felt like walking into another world.

Kai sat down on a nearby bench - a grove of sorts - sheltered by some young pine trees. They were still spindly and delicate, not yet tall and proud like their fathers. He sat there and did nothing for some time, nothing but listen to the sound of the wind and the water and the distant city traffic. There was some rustling in a bush nearby and Kai tensed, but it was just a stray cat. It wasn't any particular colour but rather a mottled patchwork of white, orange and black. It sat on the ground and looked up at Kai with its huge, mismatched eyes; one the cold blue of a cloudless winter's day and the other a vivid amber which rivaled the sunset above them.

Meow.

"What do you want?" Kai grumbled.

It cocked its head to the side curiously before lithely padding its way across the path to him. It jumped up and landed neatly onto the bench beside him. It continued to gaze at him expectantly. Meow.

Kai sighed, rolled his eyes and lifted a hand to pet it behind the ears. It was a small thing and not altogether as scruffy as he'd expect a stray to be. Either he was taken care of by someone or was recently cast out.

"Are you all alone out here, Kotenok?" he murmured, his native Russian surprising him by slipping out more easily than his Japanese.

The small, patchwork cat nestled itself under the crook of Kai's arm and purred contentedly. Kai understood this to mean 'Yes'.

"Yeah, me too," he said softly, continuing to rub the cat's head and ears.

He sighed again and gazed out towards the gardens. They weren't alone here. Not too far away there was a young family near the canal with two boisterous young boys; they ran along the path swinging toy airplanes around in their hands while their parents walked behind and talked and laughed, arm in arm. A young man walking his dog passed by and the two boys stopped to pet it; the dog sat down, its tongue lolling and tail wagging happily as it soaked up the attention. Further down the path Kai saw two more people – a couple – perhaps not too much older than him. The girl lifted her phone before her to take a selfie in front of the twinkling lights; it must have been at least three attempts before she surrendered the phone to the young man who, with his longer arms, could most likely capture a better picture. Everyone was smiling and happy and there was a certain… aura in the air that screamed Christmas.

Even in the Abbey, this holiday was celebrated. This much he remembered. Some of the local churches and charities would arrange a dinner and presents for the orphan boys of Balkov Abbey as a gesture of goodwill and love for all. Boris tolerated it for the sake of keeping up appearances. It was a day of rest and peace and…fun, for all the boys. The last Christmas he'd spent there, he and Tala couldn't decide which of them should have the soft, white, woollen scarf. Sick of hearing them bicker, Bryan patronisingly scolded them like children and told them to share – and that's exactly what they did. They followed him around the halls sharing the scarf, tied together by the neck, singing carols with dirty lyrics at him, all day.

Sure enough, Boris sent his guards to recover all the items they could and they were incinerated the following morning. But they had the memories, and those were enough.

"Rozhdestvo," Kai whispered softly, adjusting that same scarf he wore now to cover his nose from the cold. Tala had stuffed it into the vents that night to stop it being taken, knowing how fond Kai was of it. He wondered vaguely what Tala would think, knowing that he'd kept it all this time. Of course, he would have seen it at the Championships, Kai realised. He shook his head - he didn't like to think of how cold Tala was with him at the tournament. Kai picked the cat up and placed it on his lap. It looked up at him with its huge, mismatched eyes. "You know, this is probably the first time I'll spend it alone."

Even as he said the words, Kai experienced that same sensation he felt in the showers; a strange, constricting ache somewhere in his chest – sharp, like a jagged knife. He almost gasped with the pain of it.

Then the cat was padding into his lap, curling up and making itself comfortable. It happily closed its eyes. Kai rolled his eyes and a small smile graced his lips. He ran his fingers around its ears again, one black, one white.

"You want a place to stay for the night?"

Meow.

A/N: Hey guys. Hey. Three updates in a weekend again. Who loves you? ;)

Also, apologies for this chapter, I'm fully aware that not much actually happens. Kai has dreams. Kai goes to the gym. Kai acquires a cat. I spend two and a half thousand words describing just those three things. XD

But what can I say, Kai's just in a state where nothing much is happening for him right now. Things will be heating up on Tala's side of things soon - I have to say, the little son-of-a-bitch has sort of stolen the limelight and he's playing a bigger part in this story than I'd originally intended. Which is not okay and also very okay, because I love Tala.

In other news, my scarf is going well. Oh, and Kai's cat needs a name. I'm gonna leave that up to you guys, because I have zero creativity with names.

That's if from me for tonight. Hope you lovely people have a great week!

~ Indie