CHAPTER 10 A Confession

'If you could only see the way she loves me,

then maybe you would understand

why I feel this way about our love

and what I must do.

If you could only see how blue her eyes can be

when she says she loves me.'

-Emerson Hart & the band Tonic, from the song "If You Could Only See"

It was a warm afternoon for William Tavington and Karen Stirhaley's picnic. The sunshine was glorious as the couple basked in it. After they'd finished with their lunch, the two were relaxed and happy from the effects of the wine and the sunlight.

William had reclined backwards, propping himself up on his elbows and squinting up into the sky. Karen was packing things back into the large basket and dumping the remainder of the wine into their glasses. She gave him his glass then took her own, both sipping leisurely without much conversation.

After a few moments, William laid back with his head cradled in Karen's lap, which always made him feel warm and secure. She put her glass down and smiled at him. The young woman lovingly stroked his hair and cheek then kissed his forehead.

The colonel teased her with a disappointed frown saying, "No. I want more than that!" He reached up, caught the nape of her neck softly with his hand, and gently pulled her head to his. There, they kissed slowly, drawing the moment out as they tasted the wine on each other's tongues.

"God, you're beautiful," William said as they parted, their faces still close. His blue eyes shone with love as he looked up at her. "Has anyone ever told you that before?" he teased.

"Only you," she answered back with a smile.

Tavington lingered there, enjoying the relaxing feel of her hands on his face and hair, enjoying being close to her. He felt something might be wrong, though. The officer broke the ease of the quiet between them.

"You're awfully quiet, today," remarked William. "Is anything the matter?"

"No," Karen replied. "Just thinking, that's all."

"About…..?" her fiancé asked.

"Oh, about different things," she answered vaguely.

"Would you like to tell me?"

"Oh, William, I don't know. It's embarrassing. It's not at all proper."

"If you can't tell me, then who can you tell?"

She sighed and was troubled. Will sensed this, sat up from her lap, and looked into her eyes.

"Come now, Karen, you can trust me," he said. He took hold of her hand and held it, his thumb stroking her skin. "We're going to be married. You can talk to me about anything."

"I know," she said, looking down and away nervously.

His other hand traveled to her chin. He put the tips of his fingers underneath it and tilted her face back up so that he could look at her.

"Karen….." he began, "What is it darling?"

Miss Stirhaley looked uncomfortable as she closed her eyes, trying to think how to say what she had to say. She opened them and sighed again.

"I…..have…," she stammered, "….. 'sinful' ……thoughts about us—especially lately. My mind wanders and I always find myself thinking of what it will be like to go to bed with you."

My, she is blunt, he thought. Colonel Tavington tried to alleviate the discomfort of her confession by teasing her. "Is that it? My dear girl, you don't need me…… you need a priest!"

"William!" she snapped. "I didn't want to admit it, but you made me say it!" His fiancée was momentarily cross with him and he knew it.

"Alright. I know. I'm sorry," he apologized, trying to calm her. "I think about it as well, surely as much as you think of it."

"But, yet, you always stop things before they get out of hand," challenged Karen.

"Not always. You stop me sometimes, too," Will pointed out.

"I know," Karen admitted. "But next time, I don't think I'm going to stop you."

"Then I will stop myself," Tavington vowed.

"Why?" she questioned. She sounded emphatic to know an explanation wherefore he would not take her if she offered herself freely.

"Because I am in control of myself," stated the Colonel, almost proudly.

"Your self control is an admirable quality," Karen commented sarcastically, her frustration and disappointment showing through .

"Yes, but it can be a curse when I want to control others," he remarked offhand.

"Maybe I should just be bold and seduce you," she blurted out.

"Your mere presence damn near does that anyway!" he exclaimed.

"Don't men like brazen women," she asked.

"Sometimes, but I find virtue more alluring."

"Why?" Miss Stirhaley thought men wanted to be seduced, since they were most generally the aggressors toward their women.

"Because innocence is attractive and charming," answered William. "It is very powerful in a quiet kind of way. It is unobtainable. It is pure. It is worth the wait and will therefore be more meaningful once one stains it."

"It excites you to know that you'll be spoiling me," she asked.

"Yes, of course! To know that I was the one to take your virtue. An act of love—"

"You wouldn't be taking it," she cut him off. "I would give it to you."

"You see, it fills my heart all the more to know that you trust me enough, and love me that much that you want me to have it," William remarked.

Karen said nothing as she leaned into him. Her lips brushed lightly against his. Then she kissed him a little harder. She pulled back to face him, both still seated on the blanket. The girl reached her hand out to touch his cheek, then his chin, which she took in her hand as she kissed him again, slowly. Her wet mouth traced soft, light kisses along his cheek and jaw line.

"William, if you love me then take me now," she murmured.

He pushed her back gently. Tavington did want her then, desire warming his groin and making his head spin. But, control was always such an issue to him and he prided himself on his self restraint. He could always stop himself.

"Karen, believe me," he began emphatically, "I want you. But if we succumb to our desire, then I may leave you with a child. What if something should happen to me in battle?"

"Nothing will happen, William! Besides, we are engaged and have been for a long time."

"But that doesn't mean that it won't result in a baby," Tavington countered.

"It would be no different than if we were married and it resulted in a child," she argued.

"Yes it would," he disagreed. "For you would be left with a bastard."

"Oh, William!"With that, Miss Stirhaley leapt to her feet, heaving a frustrated sigh. The usually patient Karen became momentarily irritated with waiting. Waiting for William to marry her. Waiting to finally go to bed with the man she loved and spend her pent up sexual frustration. Annoyed at the good excuses as to why they shouldn't have congress before marriage. Irked that William could control himself and his urges.

His fiancé picked up the basket and turned away from him. He knew she was upset with him.

"Why, now, do you want this after being together for so long with nothing?" he asked. William was thoroughly confused. "We have waited this long. We can wait a little longer until we are married."

"Which is when?" demanded Karen, irritated.

"Soon, I promise you," said William.

"William, you told me 'soon' years ago!"

"Yes, I know, and you have been very patient," he apologized, "but with the war and—"

"Colonel", she interrupted, addressing him formally which he hated her to do as he knew it meant anger, "I may be a virgin, but I still have desires that…..well……that need to be met. I am only human!"

"Yes, I know and I understand," he said trying to assuage her anger. "Just be patient a little while longer."

Her eyes narrowed. She still loved him, and he felt she did. But her irritation was no secret to him at this moment. "I'm through with you, William Tavington!"

Karen turned in a huff and stomped over to her horse, thoroughly intending to ride away.

William stood quietly for a moment as he thought about the situation. He knew she wasn't breaking up with him, per se, but merely taking a frustrated leave of him. The officer smiled and looked down at the ground, chuckling to himself. Well, desire and lust are finally catching up to her ,he thought. They've haunted me all these years! What am I to do?

After another minute of thinking, he made a decision. William then walked over to her and grabbed the reins of the bridle from her hand, stopping her from taking off.

"Karen—"

"Marry me…….or take me to bed, William!" , she exclaimed, cutting him off sharply.

William Tavington said nothing as he thought about her ultimatum. He could go ahead and lay with her. He knew that withdrawal from a woman was one possible way to stave off a pregnancy. Also, he could pleasure her other ways. But, he knew this might lead to either one of them giving in to desire at the peak of their lust in a foreplay situation.

Lastly, he could go ahead and do it, taking a chance. If she did get pregnant, he would just go ahead and marry her. They were engaged, anyway. But, the colonel preferred to wait until some of the battles and fighting settled down.

William loved her anyway, no matter what they did. She didn't deserve to have to wait on him any longer—either for marriage or sex. Oh, bloody Hell, he thought.

Colonel Tavington quickly came to a decision. "Alright," he acquiesced to her demand quietly and in a dignified manner. The officer took her hand and led her back to the blanket.

Once there, William kissed Karen, and she leaned into him, with an inward anticipation and satisfaction. He pulled her curvy body to his, loving how she fit him perfectly. She reached up his tall frame and slid her arms about his neck.

They kissed for another moment before William went down on his knees, pulling her down with him. There, he kissed her mouth deeply and she accepted his tongue. Karen pushed her tongue into his as well.

Their mouths lingered in a long kiss, before they separated. He moved his mouth along her jaw and neck. Then, his warm lips found her ear, nibbling on it and sending chills through her body.

"Oh, William," she whispered as he continued.

Karen began to kiss his neck. As she did, her hands moved from his neck, across his shoulders, down his arms and across his chest. She could feel him tense at her touch.

She trailed her fingers down farther until she found the buttons of his waistcoat. Nervously she began to undo the gold buttons on his vest. He slipped it off as he continued to kiss her. From there, she pulled his shirt up out of his breeches. Her fingers then wandered up to his stock, which she untied with the help of his hands steadying hers, which were shaking. His lips left a wet trail along her jawline and to her ear, making her coo softly. Her fingers undid the buttons on his shirt until he stopped her to pull it off over his head.

Karen gazed at his bare chest and shoulders then looked down, feeling suddenly shy. His fingers touched her chin and brought her face up to look at him. He could tell that even though she had given him a bold ultimatum, and had done so out of virginal frustration, he understood she was still nervous. Will touched her face and stroked her cheek with his thumb. His lips came down to meet hers again in slow, soft kisses. His hands moved all over her body, but came to rest on her bodice. His fingers deftly unlaced her dress as they continued their kiss.

William pushed her gently down beneath him on the blanket when her dress was almost completely untied. His lips lingered another moment on hers, then moved down her neck. From her neck, his mouth left a sensual trail of wetness across the top of her chest. He could sense her heart beating faster and louder as his lips traced the outline of the top of her bodice on her skin.

Colonel Tavington stopped his kisses for a moment to take hold of the shoulders of her dress, which he slid down her arms. Then, with a last pull on the bodice, it slipped down off her chest freeing her breasts. Her sleeves were down low on her arms and bunched up at her wrists, the dress stretching across her abdomen making her feel somewhat restrained. She didn't mind, though. She was anxious for William's next move. He hovered above her for a moment, quietly intoxicated by the beauty of her now bare chest.

Soon, his mouth crashed down hard on hers in a furious kiss. As it did, his hands caressed her bare breasts. He ran his fingers around and over her nipples, making them become taut. Karen emitted a subdued moan as he did this, having never felt a man's hands touch her there before. She didn't want him to stop. William's mouth moved back down her neck again as his hands continued to feel the softness of her naked bosom.

Tavington's hungry mouth sought her bare chest. Suddenly, he caught one of her pink nipples in his warm mouth.

"Oh William," she cried out as she felt this sensation for the very first time. She threw her head back into the blanket and closed her eyes. His lips and tongue teased the bud until it was even harder. Then his mouth let go of it, moving to the other nipple, in turn.

"Oh…..Oh…." Karen cooed and arched her back as if to press her breast further into his eager mouth. His tongue circled it, then his lips clamped down on it, sucking it insistently.

"William…….Oh……Oh God…..," she murmured. The pulling and tugging on her nipple by his mouth was driving her to a frenzy. She could not wait for more from him and was eager to get him inside of her.

His mouth left her bare chest suddenly. She felt barren and cold, wondering why he stopped and wanting him to continue. She opened her eyes to find him again hovering over her, admiring her bareness and smiling.

"Karen," he said breathlessly in a low voice. His fingers stroked her breasts again as his mouth came down to meet hers. She moaned into his mouth as it covered hers.

After that kiss, he moved back down to wet her nipples again with his mouth. He continued to trace his tongue over them and gently suck the pair into little peaks. As he did, one of his hands found its way under her petticoats and ran the length of her leg, stopping on the inside of her thigh to rest there a moment, teasing her further.

Suddenly, the couple heard a horse ride up, abruptly ending their intimate encounter. They stayed still as they heard rustling within some nearby scrub.

"Ah….bloody Hell," William cursed under his breath as he pushed himself up on his elbows to look around. He wondered where the rider had gone.

"William?" whispered a worried Karen.

"Shhhhhhh," he quieted her. William grabbed his jacket and threw it around her to guard her from prying eyes, for her chest was still bared and her dress at her waist. The officer reached for his gun and sabre, the holster and sheath still hanging on their belt which lay just to the side of the blanket. Tavington quickly pulled his dagger out of his boot and placed it in his fiance's hand, wanting her to have a weapon for defense.

Karen pressed herself against William's body. He pulled her even closer and locked his arm tightly around her protectively. Then he whispered into her ear, "If something should happen to me, Karen, I want you to take the gun and sword and don't be afraid to use them!"

She nodded, too afraid to say anything.

William decided not to call out on the slim chance that maybe they had just heard a rider on the path who had stopped close by, but may not have noticed them. He hoped it wasn't militia. Even though they'd heard only one horse, the militia thrived on hit and run sneak attacks, lying low and quiet in the shrubs, catching their victims off guard.

They waited another tense moment as they saw movement in the woods on the path. Colonel Tavington cocked his pistol, ready to shoot it, and held his sword up in the other hand, ready to strike. His fiancée held the dagger up and in front of her ready to defend herself if need be, and tried not to look scared. Soon, a red coated soldier, black riding breeches, boots, and unmistakable green trim and black feathered helmet, emerged into the clearing.

The soldier saw the two scared figures aiming their weapons in his direction. "Uh,….I surrender!" he said, half jokingly, putting his hands in the air.

"Bordon! Damn it!" cursed an irritated Tavington as he lowered his weapons. Though annoyed momentarily at his adjutant, he was relieved that it wasn't rebels.

Major Bordon thought he sounded the same as he did every day lately—angry, irritated, and short tempered. Just another normal day!

"Thank you for not killing me, sir," Bordon jeered as he lowered his hands. He walked closer to them and noticed the couple's state of dress—or, undress. Tavington was shirtless with his breeches and boots, and Karen's bodice was unlaced and hanging open as if she'd quickly pushed it back up on her shoulders. She was wearing William's Dragoon jacket over the top of the disarray, but Miles could still see the details clearly. The Major knew immediately that he'd interrupted an intimate moment between the two lovers.

"This better be good, Bordon," scoffed Tavington as his aide-de-camp neared the pair. Karen turned her back, quickly laced up her dress, and smoothed her hair, trying to make herself look presentable.

Bordon continued. "Sorry to interrupt your romantic interlude, but—"

"They want us at headquarters," Tavington chimed in, finishing Bordon's sentence, guessing exactly why he was there.

"That's right!," Miles answered. Then he added with a grin "I'm also here to charm your fiancée."

"She doesn't need charmed, thank you very much!" Tavington answered sarcastically. "She's been charmed quite enough already today." William said this while looking at Karen, love and sweetness for her in his eyes. This completely disarmed her. She smiled lovingly back at him and kissed him. She didn't care that his best friend was standing there watching.

"Well, I'll steal her away from you, then," joked Bordon, changing his mind.

"Ah," said Tavington, meeting the challenge of Bordon's joking. He raised one of his eyebrows as he looked at his second in command. "You've come to steal my lady?"

"Entirely!" exclaimed Miles. He turned to Karen immediately. "Marry me, Karen. This rogue can not possibly make you happy."

Karen Stirhaley blushed then squealed with laughter and delight.

Major Bordon turned back to William, who was putting on his waistcoat, shirt, and overcoat. "I would not have made her wait this long. We'd have long since been married and had some little Bordons at our heels."

"How dare you even think of having children with my future wife. You besmirch her innocence—"

"Which you should have done already and married her long ago," interrupted Bordon with a quip. " See, Tav, it's all very easy. I'll demonstrate."

Bordon then went down on one knee in front of Karen as if readying to propose to her. As he took her hand, she smiled, blushed and shrieked with laughter simultaneously.

"Karen, Will you marry me?" , Miles proposed in his best look of faux seriousness.

"Yes!" She answered without missing a beat.

"Now?" Bordon asked.

"Of course!"

"Good!," Bordon cheered. "I have a church, a priest and two witnesses waiting for us!" He grabbed her hand and started to lead her away with him.

"Goodbye, William," she said in a sing song fashion, letting the man lead her and joining in with Bordon's joke.

Tavington stood there with a smirk on his face. The commander stared at the couple with a mixture of amusement and minor annoyance as they neared the horses.

Then he caught up to them and grabbed Karen's other hand, pulling her back with him. "Uh, not so fast, Major," Tavington said.

The major still had ahold of her other hand, and pulled her back to him, as if she was a rope in a tug-of-war contest. "Oh, I don't know," countered Miles. " 'Karen Bordon' has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"

"No," the Colonel answered squarely, gently tugging his fiancée back to him. "Karen Tavington sounds much better!"

Bordon pulled Miss Stirhaley back to him. "That was a real proposal and she knows I have every intention of marrying her. She wouldn't have to wait on me as she has you!"

As Karen was being heaved back and forth during this mock battle between the two commanders, she said nothing and grinned an impish smile during the whole exchange.

Bordon let go of Miss Stirhaley's hand, surrendering the girl. "You see, Tav old boy, that's how you do it! It's just that easy."

"Well, now mind you don't forget who's wife she is going to be," Tavington challenged mischievously.

The second in command turned back to Karen, who stood quiet, yet amused, between the two men who towered over her. "You would marry me, wouldn't you?"

Karen said nothing, instead smiling widely at Major Bordon. She nodded her head 'yes' vigorously up and down. Then she looked at William, who was scowling at her. The young woman then frowned and feigned embarrassment, as she looked down at the ground. In an instant, she looked back up at Tavington and shook her head 'no' slowly, with mock disappointment.

"Tav, if you don't want me to marry her, then I advise you to get her to a church soon," joked Bordon.

"Silence both of you," exclaimed Karen, finally speaking up. "Captain Wentworth has asked me. I may marry him instead." The young lady entered the joke now, as well.

"And there is always General O'Hara," she continued. "He hasn't proposed to me yet, but I'm certain he will."

Miles and William both rolled their eyes at this last mock revelation. The general was both men's latest thorn in the side.

"And why would you marry him," Tavington asked in disdain.

"I hear he's a rather handy fellow in the bedchambers," she answered bluntly.

Miles Bordon was immediately shocked and embarrassed, think this the last thing he would ever hear come out of Miss Stirhaley's mouth.

"Karen! Really!," William protested, a tone of admonishment in his voice. "Who did you ever hear that from?"

A sly smile crossed her face. "His mistress," she volunteered. "Madeira seems to loosen her tongue. She bragged of her satisfaction with him and his……stamina…in her bed."

Bordon stayed silent, only shaking his head at the revelation. William demanded more.

"When was this," he queried, raising one eyebrow in curiosity.

"At a ball a few months back," replied Karen as she bent down to pick up the blanket. "She said this in the company of a large group of women, so I would imagine that General O'Hara has become a very popular man as of late."

"Sounds like our friend Banastre may have some competition among the fairer sex," Tavington remarked aloud. He smirked at Bordon.

"Don't tell him that," warned Bordon. "It will break his poor heart. He thinks he is the only desirable man in the world." This made Will and Karen laugh.

"I am not even going to divulge the women's gossip about Colonel Tarleton," she interjected as she finished folding the blanket.

The pair of officers chuckled at this. They had probably already heard what the ladies said about him.

" His exploits with the ladies are legendary," Tavington remarked.

"Yes. He told us so himself," Bordon quipped of their braggart fellow commander.

Karen laughed heartily at the Major's comment. William took the folded blanket from her and laid it over his arm as the trio made their way to the horses.

The three secured the picnic supplies back on to their horses as they prepared to leave. As they did, Tavington couldn't resist one last quip to his best friend and his fiancé.

"So, if my best man and bride fail to show up at the church on our wedding day, then I will assume that you two have eloped!"