Chapter 39

Soul Searching

Edwards POV

I sat there by Bella's side replaying all of the things I had heard today. None of which is making any sense to me. Bella had been so happy and full of life, and now she is lying here slowly withering away from me. What could I do? I knew that I needed to snap out of this funk I am in. What good could I be for Bella when I couldn't even think straight?

I looked very closely at her to see if I could see any signs of aging. I didn't see anything. She was as beautiful as the first day I had laid eyes on her. Her skin was just as creamy as ever. I needed to see her eyes; if only she would open them. I squeezed her hand hoping it would help her to awaken so that I could see her eyes.

I felt no response when I squeezed her hand. Then I remembered Carlisle had said they were keeping her sedated.

Why has the higher powers seen fit to take such an innocent being as my Bella? What has she ever done to anyone to deserve this? Why has others tried to kill her? Why can't they see the person I see her as?

I thought back to all of the times that someone had tried to kill Bella. The first one that came to mind was me. I was the first person that wished to kill her. How could I have ever thought of stripping the world of her? Then my mind went to James, and how he never saw the genuinely innocence of what makes Bella who she is. Wait thinking of James gave me an idea.

I started thinking about when we first discovered Bella in the coma; Carlisle had said she didn't age because of the small trace of venom that was left behind from when James had bitten her. I wonder if I turn her if that would stop the aging, I mean I no longer age. Would that work? I have to find Carlisle.

"Carlisle, come here I have an idea to save Bella." I said it just loud enough I knew he would hear me.

I reached down and whispered into Bella's ear. "Bella love, I think I have found a way to save you, all you need to do is hang on. I promise you I will not lose you again." I kissed her on her lips and I felt that electric shock again; she is still fighting in there.

Carlisle came walking in just then. "What is it Edward?"

I told him of my thoughts about turning Bella to stop the aging.

He stood there for a moment pondering what I had told him.

'Well it could work, but then I am not sure I have never seen a case such as this. I have no idea what the venom could do, it could accelerate the aging or it could stop it. Or it could…'

I didn't dare listen to anymore; I know it won't kill her. I shook my head and growled.

"Edward I am sorry I just don't know if there would be any complications. Are you willing to take the risk to save her?" Carlisle spoke in soft words.

He made me think about that; would I or could I ever risk anything that would result in the death of Bella? No but I can't not do anything at the same time. I dropped my head into my hands.

"If I try and save her she could die, and if I don't try anything to save her she could die. Oh Carlisle I don't know why we just can't be happy together." I mumbled out the words never lifting my head up to speak to him.

Carlisle was silent for few moments. I was wondering what he was pondering.

'Well I think the only person that can make that decision is Bella, she has the choice to make. I don't know what way she would go. We need to wake her up to inform her and let her make the choice. Edward you have to support her no matter which way she decides to go.'

I reluctantly nodded my head. I would support Bella in any way even if it meant losing her forever, because it would be her decision. I know she would never leave me willingly, but there is a chance she can die either way she decides.

"Alright then I will inform the nurse to administer the drugs to revive her, and I will inform her of what is going on. It will then be up to you to give her the choices and give her some time alone to weigh the options. She will do what is best for her, and we know that Bella will make her choice whether it will be the right choice for you is left to be seen. I know it is hard son. We will be here for you." He touched my shoulder as he headed back out of the room.

I just kept saying to myself Bella will make the right choice I know she will. She loves me as much as I love her, we were meant to be together, and I just know it.

I was only left for a few moments with Bella alone before Carlisle and the nurse came into the room. She went over to Bella's IV and injected something into it. As soon as she was finished she took down Bella's vital signs and she left the room. Carlisle went and stood by her other side and just looked down at Bella. I could see the love in his eyes for his daughter.

I know that he has considered Bella to be his daughter for many years but it wasn't until yesterday that she finally became one in our family. One day, that is all I have been married to the girl of my dreams before she has to make a decision that could end her life.

'It won't take long for the drug to take effect, be prepared she will be confused and disorientated when she comes too.'

Just then I saw Bella toss around her head a bit. She was waking up. I saw her open her eyes and then shut them quickly.

"Bella love it is okay I am right here. I need you to open your eyes for me." I whispered just loud enough I knew she could hear me.

She opened her eyes and looked right into mine. I saw the confusion and pain in her eyes. I wanted to tell her everything is going to be fine, but I couldn't lie to her. I just couldn't.

"Edward…" Her voice was slow and soft.

All I could is lower my head. She reached out and put her hand on my head.

"Edward I love you. I am sorry for causing you all of this pain I see you are in." She was concerned for my pain, what about her pain does she ever think of herself?

Bella POV

I started to get this dizzy feeling come over me. It feels as though I was waking up from a long deep sleep. I didn't want to wake up, but something was forcing me awake. I shook my head trying to stay asleep, and then my eyes came open. No I screamed to myself shutting them right away.

That is when I heard that voice I so lovingly remembered as that of my Edward.

"Bella love it is okay I am right here. I need you to open your eyes for me." He whispered

I opened my eyes I had to see him I had to gaze into his eyes. I missed his eyes. Only when I finally did see his eyes; they were filled with such pain. What could have caused him so much pain? I then realized I was back in the hospital.

"Edward…" I tried to speak but it was as if my voice was barely there. As soon as I spoke he lowered his head. I wanted to comfort him, so I reached out and put my hand upon his head.

"Edward I love you. I am sorry for causing you all of this pain I see you are in." I needed him to not feel so much pain. I hated seeing him in such pain.

I looked over and saw Carlisle on my other side; his eyes carried a burden of pain also. I suddenly became scared and wondered what was so wrong that could cause so much pain in their eyes.

I turned my head back and forth looking at both of them. I needed one of them to speak. I couldn't stand this anymore.

"What is wrong with me?" I had urgency in my tone, I wanted answers and I wanted them now.

Carlisle was the first to speak, I thought something was really wrong, Edward wasn't looking at me. I tried to remember what happened. What was the last thing I remembered? I had spent the most wonderful night and day with my husband…wait oh yes I married Edward. Oh then what we went back to the house, now is when things start to get fuzzy. I remember walking up the stairs and seeing Edward making the bed. I thought at that moment what a perfect world I live in that I had a husband that made the bed without being told too. I walked over to him and gave him a kiss… what happened after that… nothing I just keep coming up blank.

Carlisle had been talking about something I hadn't heard a word he had said.

"Bella can you hear me? Bella…" Carlisle was waving his hand in front of me and I finally snapped out of it.

"Oh sorry Carlisle I was out of it for a second, can you please repeat what you just said." I tried to smile and act like I wasn't all the way awake but I don't think it worked. Both of their expressions grew wider with concern.

Carlisle went back to the beginning and repeated everything he had said about my condition. I can't believe it, I am getting older by the minute. I needed a mirror. My worst fear. I would look like my gran and Edward would be the perfect seventeen year old. I shuttered. I instinctually reached up and touched my face, but I didn't feel like I was old. I mean I still had the smooth skin of a eighteen year old. However I felt like crap. He then went on to tell me that Edward needed to talk to me something about making a decision. Something about having a choice to make. I looked over towards Edward and by the look on his face I could tell he really didn't want to give me the choices, but he wasn't the one with the choice it was me.

I could see the pain on Edwards face, and I waited for him to say something. All he did was stare into my eyes. What was he going to say? What choice would I have to make?

I reached down and took his hand with mine.

"What is it Edward, whatever you have to say just say it. You know that I will love you forever." Upon saying that last part his body stiffened and he cringed.

Was I not going to get my forever? Why would him hearing that make him react so strongly?

"Bella love… I need to tell you… first believe me when I say that I will love you and stand by your decision no matter what it is." He lowered his head, and I thought this is going to be bad.

"Tell me Edward, I don't understand. Why is this causing you such pain?" I stressed on the end. I hated causing him this pain. He deserved to be happy.

"Bella, as you heard from Carlisle what is happening to you we have come to the conclusion there is only two ways we can go. First we can do nothing and let it happen. And with that your body will continue to age until it has caught up with how old you are supposed to be." He didn't seem pleased with this route what could the second way be about?

"And if I don't choice that way what else can we do?" I replied back.

"Well I had been thinking of other ways to save you from this and the only other way is to turn you." He said it fast, and then I realized what he had said, of course I thought to myself why hadn't I thought of that yet.

"Yes Turn me, that will stop the aging and we can have our forever. What are you waiting for?" I was excited I knew he no longer held any reservations about me becoming a vampire.

"No love wait… Carlisle doesn't know if it will work. He thinks it may accelerate the aging process and you could die…" I hardly heard the last word, but I can tell with the look on his face what word he had dared to even speak. Die… To be without him. To leave him. How could I do that?

I couldn't die, no I needed I lived for us to have out forever. Why is it being taken from me every time I turn around? I mean gosh does fate have a sick sense of humor or what? What did I ever do to fate or destiny for them to be dicking me around now?

"But there is a chance that the venom could stop the aging also right?" I had to hopeful please say yes.

"Carlisle doesn't know it could go either way, but you have to know if I turn you; there is a very big likely chance it could kill you." His head was pointing to the ground and I could tell he was dry sobbing. This was tearing him apart.

"Edward please tell me what I should do." I pleaded with him.

"Bella this is the choice that you have to make. I cannot make this choice for you. I have thought in the past that I knew what was best for you only to make some of the worst mistakes. Only you truly knows what the best decision for you, I will stand beside you in any way that you decide to go."

"Help me please." I was begging now.

"I can't… you need some time to think about this. I will give you time alone so that I know you make the decision that you know is the right one." He stood to leave. No he couldn't leave me to make this decision, this concerns him as well.

"Edward this decision concerns you as well. Help."

"Bella you are my life, but this decision is about your life." With that said he kissed me on the forehead and left the room.

Damn new Edward, why did he have to change now?

I sat there in silence for awhile. I had no idea of what I should do. On one hand I can do nothing and just age into an old woman, I shuttered at just the thought of that. And on the other hand I have a chance at having my forever. How does Carlisle know that I would die? I mean the venom could cure me, after all the venom is what stopped me from aging all of those years in a coma.

What should I do? I can't lose Edward not after all we had to go through to get here. I want my forever with him, I absolutely do not want to die though. I know that if I were to die he would follow shortly after. And I could not be the one responsible for the end of his existence.

Crap why am I always the one in a catch-22 situations?

"WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU!!!" I screamed looking at the ceiling, but my shouting my words higher than the building, wanting them to reach far into the skies.

I grabbed a pillow and screamed into it. I wanted the tears to come to ease some of this pain that was radiating from within my chest, only none would come.

Sure when I don't want to cry the tears pour out like a monsoon, but when I want to cry…nothing.

I needed Edward. I know he hasn't always made the right decisions, but at least he was able to make one.

I sat quietly alone screaming into the pillow for a few moments longer. I didn't even notice that someone had entered the room.

It wasn't until I felt a serene sense of calm come over me that I knew it was Jasper.

I slowly peeked my head out from the pillow to see a sorry excuse of what seemed to be Jasper. He was riddled with so much emotions showing on his face. I only felt more guilty at that moment.

"Bella I am only here to aid you with the emotions, So you can make the right choice with a clear head." Jasper softly whispered.

"What would do?" I just needed some input.

"Bella I promised I would not influence you in any way. I am only here to clear your head for you."

"Let me guess Edward?" I really didn't mean for that to come out sarcastically but it did. I wished I wouldn't have said it, but it was too late.

"Yes Edward asked me to do this for you. He wishes nothing more than to be right here by your side to assist you, but he knows and you know that this is something you have to do. He thought by sending me it was his only way of helping you through this. He loves you so much. This is ripping him apart." Jasper lowered his head. Oh great even more guilt. I looked back at Jasper and he just looked at me and grew a small smile and I felt the guilt evaporated from me.

How the hell am I going to decide this if I can't feel anything about it.

"Jasper I know you really want to help and please tell Edward that it was a nice gesture, but I do need my emotions to think. I have always had to rely on my emotions to get through. I need to feel something whether it is pain or sorrow, but I need to be able to feel." I shot him a look of pleading, and I think he understood, as he just got up gave me a kiss on my forehead and headed for the door.

"Remember Bella we all love you, no matter what." I nodded confirming to him that I understood, and then he was gone.

I thought about what I needed to do and I kept coming back to the same thing.

Could I risk taking myself away from Edward, or do I take the safe route and only have a small amount of time left with him and die my natural life?

I had reached my decision, and I knew I needed to make a call. I needed help.

I reached over to the nightstand and grabbed my phone.

I dialed the number and it rang a couple of times and then it was answered.

"Hello" I heard the voice of the only person I knew who would help me with my decision, well more like plan.

"Hey I need your help." I said trying not to sound pleading.

"Sure sure what do you need?"