~Epilogue~
"You're worthless!" A warbled voice screeched.
~Whoosh~
"You're nothing." I opened my mouth to scream, make any noise at all, but nothing came. The pain. The brainwashing. The terror would never leave. The voice was right.
"You're not worth it."
~crack~
"You don't deserve it." I couldn't even whimper in pain.
"Lukey?" I heard a distant voice call. It was warm, but distant. I heard it call a second time, and a third. Louder, closer.
((({})))
My eyes opened and immediately were met with his. They were gloasy, filled with concern. I muttered his name shuddering. I wasn't sure, but I was probably crying too. He placed a hand to my cheek and wiped my tears with his thumb. He didn't break eye contact with me, not until he pulled me into his chest and I sobbed. He patted my head aoftly, murmuring into my ear.
"Trust me, Lukas. You're okay. I'm here, and no one will hurt you. Not while I'm around. Not ever again... shhh... shh." I sniffled, my sobs quieting, and dissapearing almost his soothing tone. I stayed against his chest for a while, just staying in his embrace. Wrapped in the very existence of his compassion. When I eventually pulled away, I could see how tired he was. His eyes, though full of love, were drooping with weariness.
I always had nightmares when I slept alone. I don't even know why I tried. I watched him slip off his favorite black coat, and sit it aside. I moved over in the bed to make space for him, and faced the wall once more. I closed my eyes to stall the stinging pain of slumber and listened to the rustle of the sheet as Mathias himself came to be beside me, under the covers. I waited for him to put his arms around me like he normally did. Even just to calm my frantic breaths as they ran away from me.
"Lukas... look at me, please." I turned around slowly, and met his blue eyes again. His blue orbs seemed to glow in the inky darkness the room had been encompassed in. His eyes were glossy again, holding raindrops that were ready to fall. I wiped his eyes and sighed, looking down at the sheets and away from his eyes. I silently waited, unable to bear the pain I saw in his eyes. The memories I had flared within him. I felt his hand cup my cheek between it and the pillow and I looked up finding him leaning towards me. The midnight kiss was sweet, and long since neither of us wanted to break it. It had been our first, even after how long we had been together. I had subconsciously pushed closer, feeling his heart beat bump in sync against my own in my chest. When we eventually broke the kiss, he still held an arm around my body. "Lukas, I love you. I can't imagine how horribly bland life would be without you."
He knew what I thought deep down inside. It rumbled to the surface in my words, even as much as they stumbled to escape my throat.
"B-but... my night-nightmares, don't t-they..." I paused as his warm hand met my cheek, sending a fuzzy tingle through me.
"They are worse for you, than the hassle of me having to stop them. If nothing else it gives me an excuse to hold you in my arms and help you. And though they do remind me of mine, I wouldn't have it any other way. Yes, I remember things I wish I didn't, but... that's the only way I'll be able to put it behind me. You are the best thing in my life, and I'll never regret that day I walked into that restaraunt. Never. I'll always be here to rescue you." My tears came again, silently sliding down my cheeks. He was really more than I deserved. That moment I decided I needed to do something important.
The next morning I heard him rustle about in the kitchen downstairs, sounds of clanking pots and pans as evidence. I made my way silently across the hall from the bedroom to the office, and locked the door. I opened up a drawer, and pulled out a piece of paper and a pen. I sat and began writing a letter, one that wouldn't be finished for what felt like ages, but one I needed to write.
((((((((((((((({})))))))))))))))
"Mathias!" I hear Lukas call me. I slide out of bed slowly and grab my cane. My back aches, but I can hear in his tone that it's important. I descend the stairs and eventually mosey my way into the kitchen. I watch my husband wiggle his hips slightly as he fixes us some coffee. I just stand there a moment, silently admiring his tousled pale skin and hair. I don't care that it's aged with wrinkles. I don't even notice them until he points 'em out. He puts the hair clip he recieved from me for our 25th anniversary in his hair. He turns and those blue eyes freeze me in place, just like any other day. Not because they hold a cold look, but because they are so gorgeous. I could stare at nothing else but him all day. I have been for so long really. He smiles and taps the kitchen counter slightly and I sit at the island. He places a beautifully wrapped gift box of red packaging, finished off carefully with delicate white ribbons. A envelope containing what I would assume to be some sort of card lay on the counter. I glance up at him, his hand tousled my hair and his eyes droop as if he's tired. He sits gently in my lap and gingerly hands me the package.
"For our 50th." Lukas mutters. I smile and begin unwrapping the gift, opening the box, finding a small engraved ring set. Each one engraved with names of fairytales I read him during his darkest times. He took one out and placed it on my ring finger above my wedding ring. It's engraving was "The Snow Queen". He cupped my cheeks in his hands and leaned down to kiss me, short and sweet.
"I love you, Lukas. Thank you so much, dear." I said. His eyes were filled with tears and they were also filled with something I should've been able to determine, but I had only been able to see a second before he turned away and stood. He hugged me from behind placing a kiss atop my head.
"I love you too, honey. Go ahead and read the letter while I am out to the doctor's office." I heard his keys jingle as he wandered out of the door, and took the letter in my hand. I moved it subconsciously around in my fingers a few moments, forgetting why I picked it up. I opened it and picked out the old torn piece of journal paper. It was scrawled in various points at different levels of neatness but all in Lukas's handwriting.
Mathias,
I want you to know some things. Yesterday I realized something. I've realized I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I've realized I love you. I love you so much. Even only after a short span of two years, I already know that I don't deserve you, and I wish I did. So I'm going to be someone who does.
Yesterday was our first kiss. It was beautiful, really something. But it was scary. I don't think I can ever give you what you want. Or be that perfect spouse you deserve. But I want to try, and I know it'll be hard. I need to write this so you know how I feel. That I will always love you whether I stay or go in the end. I hope I'll never be not enough to live up to what you deserve in a relationship because... of my trauma.
He continues writing several entries from our early relationship days. I continue reading and am enraptured in all his emotions. Things he never shared about his background and life. Things about his feelings of guilt he never shared. Guilty over my relapses into my own traumas. But memories that he never extended much into. Times where he was the only light that shine for me and vice versa. A couple entries from our early marriage days caught my eye.
Mathias. I've decided to stick around. I can't leave, rather. Now that we're married I'm so happy. I can't stop smiling as I write this. I want to let you know how much you mean to me. You have rescued me. And I will never wish for anything more.
I see it. Your dissapointed glances as you watch me shake my head no. I think I'd be a horrible parent. And I'm afraid, since I still... have so much trauma. I just don't want to try that. I'm so sorry. The pain is evident. I know I hurt you every time, and I promised not to do that. I just can't.
Today was our 25th Anniversary. I can't believe we've made it this far. Everything is so perfect. I can't imagine what my life would be like without you. I would never wish for a minute of our time together to be left behind in some crevice of my memory. I cherish you more than anything. I love this hair clip so much. I may never take it off.
Mathias, I've been thinking. I think I'm ready. I want to adopt a child. I want us to be good parents and since the nightmares are gone I think I can try now. It's now or never honestly, we have already lived so long. I've decided, and I won't change my mind. I hope I'm a good parent.
I continued reading, teardrops thumping against the counter as I read. I needed to know how this letter ended. I glanced over to a picture of Lukas, our son and I, accompanied by abother photo, one more recent. I think we did a damn fine job. I never felt a lonely spot in my heart now that our son was gone. He called every week, and after all, I had Lukas. What more could I ask for? I noticed the entries dates spread out more and extend into more recent ones, more recent memories following shortly behind.
Mathias. I've realized how old we are getting. I hadn't up until now, with our 50th anniversary approaching. We have already lived so much of out life together. Everyday, I notice more and more wrinklez, feel more pain. My old nightmares have filled with new ones about my recent fears. What will I do when you are gone? A sizeable hole will fill my heart ehn you go, and I'll lay in bed alone, sulking and hollow. I imagine the same would become of you, in a reversed situation. I'll try not to think about it, but I know it will clutch to my thoughts over the next two weeks.
I've decided not to be sad. I will hold onto the happy times, and fill the sadness and dark with your warm smiles and memories of better days. I'll move on with life until my day comes, like I know you'd want me too. I want the same for you too. I know I should give you this soon, before it's too late, so you know my thoughts. The things I never shared with you that I never should have left inside. Things you know are true but should know I hold somewhere inside me. Maybe on our anniversary.
I've been truly rescued
I'll never need more of a miracle than that
More than my prince
~Mathias~
{Happy anniversary, Honey}
~Love, Lukas
I re-folded the old journal paper and placed it gingerly back into the envelope and wiped at my wrinkly face. Lukas was all that I held dear. I lived all these years waiting for him to tell me what he wanted to say. I told him one day I'd know everything I should know, and today that had come true. Lukas had made me that happiest man alive when we got married. He had warmed my life with his smiles, and he had blessed me with a sweetly raised child. I'd let him believe that he was blessed with me. But I knew quite the opposite, and I'd never tell myself differently. Lukas had the same fears as me currently, and we would face them together, and take every day as a stepping stone to something bigger. Our time together was worth more than anything. And this note of love and effort and sacrafice and confidence. It would be my reminder of Lukas no matter what happens. Maybe even his reminder, as our memories grow faded with age. I will never regret Lukas. I would, given the chance, do everything the same way from the day we met.
In the end...
Lukas rescued me
A/n: Okay so I finally got around to an epilogue. I couldn't resist and nobody was against it. I think it turned out okay, hehe. I wrote it , and then lost some of it and I like the first writing better, but what can you do. :3 so that's it for this one folks! If you are wondering what fics I might be doing next I'd check out my profile, which I will probably update tomorrow. Leave me requests in reviews if you wish, pm me, or whatever you gotta do to let me know what fic you might want to see. I really want to take your guys suggestions and then ill get back to you on which I'll do next based on your P.m.'s and reviews, so please do. :p
A/n 2: Thanks a bunch for reading and everyone who favorited and followed to see the development of the fic! I hope you check some of my other ones out or follow me to see what I'll do next, and feel free to let me know if you'd like another DenNor or something else, soon. Leave a review if you want and let me know what you thought over all, reviews make my day, sometimes my week. I could really use a sunshine ray of happiness, since it's been a pretty rough week. ;^; I really appreciate all the support and I'm glad so many people enjoy my stories. See you next time! ~Hetaliancupcake