chapter ten. kiss: sebastian and mercedes share their first kiss
"I know you like me,' Sebastian convinced, laying a hand out in emphasis and looking at Mercedes with a tilted head and a problematic smirk. He started to laugh along with the girl who, clearly, found his thesis comical. She was momentarily doubled over in giggles, holding a hand over her stomach, and using the other to slap the table repeatedly in emphasis. Sebastian didn't find his train of speech to be as funny as she did, and his laughter ceased much earlier than hers.
Breathing out heavily, Mercedes took a second-take at the young man and began laughing once more. Her cheeks reddened, and her face took immaculate heat, but she calmed quickly and finally spoke. "Just where do you get that assumption?"
His pride minimally shot, Sebastian slouched in his seat, crossed his arms over his chest and put his legs on the shared table. "Because why wouldn't you?"
"Need I list the reasons, Smythe, because I can,' Mercedes retorted quickly, leaning over the table on her elbows with a tight face, expressing her inner surprise and, probably, disgust.
"Seeing as though those reasons often end in you referring to me as a 'scrawny, white boy' or a quip about me 'walking like I've got a candy cane up my ass,' I'm going to have to pass. I think those are just reasons you think you shouldn't like me, not that I think I walk weird but… the first one is, at least."
Mercedes shook her head, "I'm not racist, Sebastian. If I liked you, I'd like you. You being white or scrawny or walking like you've got something up your butt, which you do, would have nothing to do with it. You're just not my type,' she shrugged, then mirroring Sebastian's position. "Sorry."
"Then what is?' Sebastian asked, sitting up finally and placing his hands on the table. "Tall? Good looking? Charming? Kind? How about mysterious? Smart? Giving? Caring? Strong? You can't say any of those qualities, plus some, because I've given them all to you in an abundance."
Rolling her eyes, Mercedes bit her jaw before saying "why do you care if I like you so much? Isn't there some blonde waiting for you to notice her or something? What does it matter if I, of all people, have a crush on you?"
"Because I want you, Mercedes,' he shrugged. Her eyebrows raised as she began to shake his words off and excuse herself. "No, stop,' Sebastian began, encouraging her to meet his eyes. "If you act like you don't know, then you're choosing to lie to me. The 'diva-act' is cute, it's hot, but I see through it. I know you're insecure, I know you're holding out on the little bit of popularity you've got going for you, but it would hurt me to see you let either of those things keep you from being happy. Honestly happy.
"I get nothing but excuses from you, I'm tired of it. I just have to wonder, are you tired of it? I can play hard-to-get, but it's not a game with you. You're impossible, I don't… know why. I genuinely care for you, I'm feeling things that I've never felt. I'm actually considering, and I shudder as I say this, monogamy, and you treat me like a joke. It's back and forth with you, you call me when you need a pick-me-up, and I'd be fine with that if I only wanted you sporadically. I like you, a lot, but I need to hear it. And any problems you have, we can work on them together, but if you truly think of me as just a friend or if you want to keep lying to yourself, then maybe I'm not the person for the job. But I do need to know."
"And you've got it figured out?"
Sebastian frowned, expecting a lashing from Mercedes, but stayed silent until she spoke again. A series of seconds passed between the two, both waiting for the other to finish, both thinking of endless possibilities, though Mercedes answered first.
"Maybe you're right,' she shrugged. "Maybe I'm insecure and maybe I'm hanging onto being popular, but you don't get to try to solve me. I'm not a riddle, and I'm definitely not a notch on your belt. Do you know your reputation? Do you know why I try to make sure no one sees us together?"
"I can imagine,' Sebastian replied, gliding his thumb across his jaw.
"So why do you think I'd open up myself to the guy with the most notorious history at school? You're fun, you're cool, you're good looking. But you're bad news, and this entire time I've figured you were just trying to sleep with me, and if this is just another ploy, then you've really hit a new low."
"I-,' Sebastian began, leaning back in his chair. Speechless, for once, he tilted his head towards the ceiling. Running his fingers through his hair, he spoke after a few seconds. "What can I say? I don't know what I can do to prove myself, Mercedes. What do you want me to say? That I'm sorry for being a bad guy? That I'm sorry for having wants and fulfilling them? That I'm sorry for seeing your talent, your humor, your kindness and wanting to get to know you better? I've done a lot of stuff, trust me,' he chuckled. "But I never lie. I may euphemize, and I may deceive, but everything I said to you was true. I can do my best to prove it to you over time, but I won't waste yours or mine if… you don't want me to."
"Don't say it like that."
"Say it like what? Say it like how it is? Would you like me to lie?' Sebastian asked, raising his eyebrows. "Because, for you, I will."
"Sebastian,' Mercedes continued abruptly, cutting the boy off. She hesitated before saying "I do like you. But it scares me."
"I know. There are things about it that scare me too, but,' he reached across the table for Mercedes's hand. "Would I not be the best person to be frightened with?"
Smiling with the hint of a chuckle, Mercedes turned away, blushing. "I need to think some."
Raising his hands in surrender, Sebastian nodded. "You can think about it all you want,' he responded, standing up and taking his keys from the table. "Are you ready to go home?"
"I guess so, we obviously didn't do much studying,' Mercedes giggled, wiping her eyes and standing up. The conference door was shut, and the library wasn't closing for hours, but she needed fresh air and, preferably, privacy. She pushed her seat back underneath the table and watched Sebastian do the same before he walked around the table with wide arms.
"Come on, we've got to hug, it's really… depressing in here."
Frowning, Mercedes tried to maneuver her way around the tall boy, but ended up locked in his long arms. Sighing, she wrapped her arms around his waist, a face full of cotton and light cologne. Pulling away, she looked at the boy who was smiling at her, not with his trademark smirk, but a genuine smile.
"Would you do me a favor?' he asked, looking away from her momentarily.
"What?" Mercedes asked, her hands linking with his as she continued to back away.
"Will you kiss me?"
Mercedes laughed and shook her head, "No."
"It would mean a lot to me,' Sebastian replied.
Sighing, Mercedes let go of Sebastian completely and bit her lip. "You've kissed other girls before."
Landing his hands in his pockets, he replied "I've never asked to kiss another girl before."
"I don't know,' Mercedes replied after giving it some thought. She motioned for Sebastian to get his keys off the table and began to walk out the room. She heard a heavy sigh behind her, but no complaints as the two filed out of the library and into Sebastian's car. Mercedes didn't have her license yet and took rides from Sebastian as often as possible, as long as he was willing. She couldn't pinpoint exactly when she would have determined the two as friends or even as acquaintances; she remembered an assembly closer to the beginning of the year when she had lost her friends in the bustle and ended up seated next to him for over an hour on the dilapidated bleachers. He was recognizable, one of the most popular boys in the grade, infamous for his promiscuity and wealth. Along with that, she recognized him as a boy she had obtained a vivid crush for in the second grade. Shying away and hoping to avoid him, Mercedes was pained when he turned his attention toward her a quarter through the program.
"You're the girl who gave me the love letter on Valentine's Day in third grade, right?"
"Oh, God,' Mercedes grimaced and shrunk into her spot. Sebastian began to laugh to himself before turning his body a bit to shield the conversation from their neighbor's ears.
"I knew it was you, you've still got those cheeks. I see the Minnie Mouse hairstyle is out the door, lucky for you. I still have that card, you know?"
"It was second grade, by the way, Sebastian."
"Well, Mercedes,' Sebastian responded, since it was now clear she remembered his name or at least had an idea of who he was. "Sorry for my poor memory, I know that was an important time for you. Being in love with me and all."
Mercedes laughed out loud, causing a few students to turn around, but she laughed harder when Sebastian kicked the back of one of their heads and told them to turn around. "I wasn't in love. I just thought you were cute. Big difference."
"Yeah,' he cocked his mouth. "Because those are two completely different things,' Sebastian replied sarcastically with a wink. From then on, the two were nearly inseparable. They hung out all the time after school, spoke occasionally in the hallway, had lunch together a few times. It wasn't until a few months into the school year that Sebastian realized that Mercedes was avoiding being seen with him, pushing him away any times her friends came near and avoiding going anywhere that she assumed she might run into someone from school. He hadn't gone out of his way to include her in any of his friend groups, but he hadn't worked as vehemently as she did to do the opposite. At first it was a dodge, but then it turned into subtle confusion. He knew he was popular, and he knew that plenty of girls fished for the opportunity to be in his presence, but whenever Mercedes saw Sebastian in public, she fled. It took time for him to realize, but it came sooner than later. The school was split into different sects, and there was a food chain in each. Though Sebastian was at the top of his, there were other people who were just as, if not more, popular than he was to other people. Mercedes was popular with her friends, the friends who probably laughed at colored khakis, boat shoes, and people raised with silver spoons in their mouths. In retrospect, he'd laugh too.
It didn't hurt at first, in fact, it didn't hurt at all. They still talked every day, hung out outside of school, called each other at home, did things that friends did, just alone. He wasn't sure what he wanted from admitting his feelings to her, Sebastian could admit he had done it primarily for himself. It was a weight lifted off his shoulder. He knew he wouldn't ask her to be his girlfriend or try to introduce her to his friends, he was okay with their relationship being a secret, in fact that what was what he wanted. His pride wanted her to jump at the opportunity to be with him. When she stood nearly unwaived by his confession, it was a dodge, but he couldn't say he wouldn't have done the same thing in her position. Popularity was everything and dating Mercedes had too much of a risk for both of them. Silent devotion felt like enough at the time, but he was meagerly disappointed that she wasn't as strong as he had hoped her to be or as in love as he had anticipated.
The car ride passed with small talk and conversation about school, colleges, football games and everything else neither of them were interested in. Mercedes played with her thumbs for a majority of the car ride, and when Sebastian motioned for her to hold his hand, she declined. "I barely trust you with two hands on the wheel, sweetheart."
The two sat in her driveway silently for a few minutes before Mercedes turned to him with big eyes. "If we're going to do this, it stays between us."
"I got it,' Sebastian said, staring at the wheel and nodding.
Mercedes cupped his cheek and kissed him on the lips just as he turned his head. He flushed red underneath her touch, but didn't have the chance to say anything as Mercedes rushed out of the car with a promise to call him later as she shut the door. Watching her bound up the porch stairs, Sebastian pulled out once she entered the house, his cheeks still red and his mind racing. There was nothing more he hated than hiding, keeping secrets, but he could foresee the bullshit he'd get for just being friends with her, let alone calling her his girlfriend. Sighing, he pressed his jaw into his hand, but smiled after a few seconds. No matter how gritty, he always got what he wanted, Mercedes being no exception.
In truth, this wasn't how he wanted her, but she had become the denominator of his thoughts over the past few months, and he had fought hard to solve the equation.