*Special thanks to icywarm, Hyper Kid007, Nani Hatake, panda-ryuu-chan, and Dark Miko for reviewing the last chapter.*
Disclaimer: You all know the drill! Me no own! STILL!
Warnings: ...You know what? I'll dedicate the next chapter to anyone who actually admits that they're reading this author's note.
"Talking."
'Thinking.'
L, huddled atop his rarely-used bed in his impossibly white bedroom, could not control the violent tremors that continuously wracked his body. Nor could he contain the silent tears that trekked down his pallid cheeks. What he had just told Light... was an utter lie. He knew EXACTLY what had been between the two of them. Light had been about to kiss him, and L was going to let him. But Mello... the little boy had ruined the moment.
Or, in L's point-of-view, the child had saved L him from making a huge mistake.
Yes, it was true that the pale detective found Light to be extremely attractive, there was no denying that. And he also could not deny that he was attracted TO the younger man, and had been for as long as he'd known him. But something was holding L back from expressing to Light just how he felt.
It didn't matter that they were both men, as L had largely considered himself to be asexual since adolescence, and was merely happy to find himself attracted to ANYONE. Ergo, the gender of said "attraction" was of absolutely no consequence to L.
Then, there was their age difference. L cared not about the seven-year age gap, as Light was only a few months from turning eighteen. Once the younger man was legal, an age difference would become irrelevant in L's eyes.
And it did not occur to L to even take Kira into his reasons. He knew that Light still harbored the killer within him, and that he would try to take control once more, but L deemed it of little importance; rather, Kira was like unto a speed bump in the road – they would get over it, together, when the time came.
Then what, exactly, was holding L back? What had stopped him from slamming the door in Mello's interrupting face, then returning to Light and kissing him senseless? What was stopping him from crossing the hall this very minute, apologizing to Light, and continuing where they left off?
Fear.
He was terrified, so very afraid of becoming hurt, a truth that was undeniable. Despite his feelings for Light, he just could not allow himself to indulge in what could be the best thing to ever happen to him, due to his irrational fear.
What he felt... L could not quite put a name to it yet, but it was too strong, and entirely centered on Light. He had never felt this way about anyone before, and it was entirely overwhelming. The detective knew, deep down inside, that Light would never intentionally hurt him, but... the fear was intense.
During the Kira investigation, when L had been studying Light, he had heard rumors of the younger man's... conquests. According to what he'd learned, Light had had quite the reputation as a "ladies-man." His sources indicated that not only had the brunet had several girlfriends (no mentions were ever made of boyfriends), but that he'd been involved with more than one girl at a single time. If these gossips were true, then it would only heighten the deepest fear that L felt; the one fear that diligently held him back from attempting to start a relationship with Light.
The fear that Light would use him, like the others, and drop him when he was through.
And that was something that L could not allow.
So, in lieu of this fear (illogical though it may be) and the sway it held over him, L decided that a relationship between Light and himself could not be allowed to happen.
End of story.
He had fallen hard, hadn't he? It was the only way to properly explain what he felt for L, why he'd acted so uncharacteristic of himself over the last few days where the pale detective was concerned.
He was attracted, both mentally and physically, to L.
And he suddenly realized that he had been for months, ever since he was first handcuffed to the older man.
Why had he not realized this sooner? It was altogether too obvious when he stopped to see the signs.
How many times had he gazed at L from the corner of his eye, too entranced by the man's ethereal beauty to entirely look away?
How many times had he secretly thanked every God he knew for those damnable handcuffs than bound them together?
How many times had he curled just a little closer to the older man at night, in the ruse that he had done so in his sleep?
How many times had he longed to tangle his fingers in hair the shade of pitch and draw that pale mouth down against his own, just to see if those lips tasted as sweet as they looked?
Too many times.
And why is it, now that he had come to understand his feelings for what they were - a strong, undeniable attraction - L just pushed him away without so much as batting an eyelash?
Hell if he knew.
But if L did not desire the type of relationship that Light craved to have with him, then the younger man was going to have to suck it up and not pursue that which he knew he could not have.
He was just going to have to accept the fact that L did not want Light in the way in which Light wanted him.
No matter how much it hurt.
The next morning dawned bright and sunny, a contrast to the moods of both Light and L. It seemed that a black cloud of angst hovered over each man, infecting all who came near with their miserableness.
Light was not looking forward to starting a new case with L quite yet.
L was not looking forward to starting a new case with Light quite yet.
But personal feelings must not get in the way of professionalism, and Light soon found himself standing outside of L's suit, waiting to be let in. As the door swung inward, seemingly of it's own accord, Light schooled his features to be perfectly neutral, not allowing a hint of the internal pain he felt to appear externally on his blank face. He forced himself to enter the darkened room now revealed to him, appearing calm and unaffected.
And L was none the wiser.
Or... so Light had thought.
In reality, the older detective had noticed immediately that something was off about his new partner. Light was entirely too composed after last night's events. It were as though the younger man were wearing a mask, one that was meant to conceal his tumultuous emotions.
But L knew better.
Light should know by now that L was the one person who could see past his defenses, who could break down his walls and crumble his barriers.
L could effectively destroy Light Yagami with naught but a few well-placed words.
But L could never bear to do so.
So, he watched anxiously as Light entered the sitting room of L's suit, only to tilt his head curiously when Light seemed neither surprised nor impressed by what he saw. The once-sitting room was no longer such; now, it resembled something of a science-fiction movie. Electronics covered every wall, from floor to ceiling, and many of them were unfamiliar to Light as his eyes apathetically appraised the room. Like Light's own suit, a single door led to what must have been L's bedroom. For just a moment, Light yearned to venture beyond that door, to discover the secrets of L that none but a select few would ever have the privilege of knowing... but that feeling sputtered out of existence as his eyes snapped to the ever-watchful detective at the head of the room.
The older man was observing him with unreadable eyes, balancing precariously on the edge of his swivel chair, a thumb contemplatively pressed against his bottom lip. He appeared to be waiting expectantly for Light to join him at the joint computer desk that claimed that entire wall, and as Light moved to do so, the steel door behind him clanged shut.
Keeping up the pretense of one who was at peace with the world, Light took a seat beside L, and politely asked for any and all information pertaining to the case they would be starting today. L, just as tranquil and courteous as Light, supplied the younger man all that he had asked for.
They began to work on the case together.
And it felt as though things were completely normal between the two of them.
…
Okay, not quite.
It had started when L had reached a hand out for a piece of paper, and Light had done the same. Their hands met atop the paper, and both had drawn back as though burned, dark blushes overcoming each of their faces and shifty eyes staring at anything but each other for well over an hour.
It had progressed when Light realized he was continuously sneaking furtive glances at the detective throughout the day, and had caught L doing the same to him on more than one occasion. At these times, when their eyes had met and the guilty looks on their faces were prominent, neither man could control the blush that spread across their faces like wildfire.
And it all came to a head when a chocolate-covered strawberry had magically appeared in L's hand. Light knew instinctively that it had come from his birthday present to the older man, and that it was the luckiest piece of fruit on the face of the planet. The way the older man was laving the strawberry with his tongue was nothing short of molestation, and Light desperately wanted to rip the fruit away from L and replace it with his own mouth...
Bad thoughts, Light. Bad thoughts.
Light then remembered his earlier resolution to make no move on L, and this served to placate him. With much effort on his part, Light reigned in his raging hormones before the older detective could see the way his brunet partner was leering at him. L continued to assail his strawberry, oblivious to the previous effect he had had on his younger companion.
Damned strawberries.
It had been quiet for some time now. They had not spoken to each other since L had explained the parameters of the case to Light that morning. They had avoided contact with each other like the plague. Even the secretive glances had become few and far between, eventually stopping altogether.
And the strawberry that was the root of many devious thought's on Light's part had long since been devoured by L.
It was as though the events of that morning had never transpired.
It continued this way until Light rose to leave for the day. As he was passing L (and studiously avoiding acknowledging the detective's existence), all sounds of typing abruptly stopped. Light ignored this lack of sound, and still ignored when L's swivel chair creaked as the older man swung around to regard Light's retreating back. It wasn't until L called to him that Light finally gave pause.
"Light."
...
"I think we need to talk."
The younger man sifted his weight to his left foot, indicating he was not pleased with the direction of this conversation. "...About what?"
"Do not mock me, Light. You know what it is we need to speak of."
Unseen by L, Light crossed his arms over his chest. The detective did, however, notice the younger man shift his weight again, this time to his right foot. "And if I were to decline participation in this so-called 'heart-to-heart?'"
"I would not force you into anything, Light, but I truly feel that this is for the best." It was extremely difficult to read Light when L could not see his face, but he hoped that his last statement would lure the younger man into a conversation.
And it appeared that L had won when he observed Light's shoulders slumping slightly in defeat, followed by a resigned sigh. "...Alright. We'll talk." Without uncrossing his arms, the younger man stiffly returned to his chair, swiveling it around to face L and waiting expectantly.
L cleared his throat in apprehension, wondering for a moment where he should start, then deciding to take the safe path. "I'm sorry."
"...Sorry?" Light's voice reflected more confusion than was evident on his face.
"Yes. I realize that my rejection last night must have hurt you, and I am sorry that I caused you such pain."
"...Is that all?"
L blanched at the lifeless tone that Light had adopted, and his own voice bordered on a mixture of hurt and slight annoyance. "What else do you want me to say, Light?"
Quite suddenly, Light's voice morphed from lifeless to livid, his eyes burning with his fury. "Oh, I don't know... how about a valid reason for your rejection, huh! I don't want an apology, L, I want an explanation!"
"As of right now, I'm afraid that I am not at liberty to divulge the reasons behind my decision. What almost happened last night cannot, and will not, be allowed to be repeated. I'm sure you understand..."
The way L spoke, so very candid, effectively abolished all hope that Light harbored of convincing the detective to engage in a romantic relationship with him. Light knew then that arguing the point was useless, that L would never come around to his way of thinking. He was just as stubborn as Light was, and trying to change the older detective's mind was like trying to move a mountain: it simply could not be done.
"...I understand." The words were spoken so softly that L had to strain to hear them.
"I'm glad that you do."
Again Light rose from his chair, albeit much more mechanically this time, and moved to leave the room. "I'm going... to go lay down. I don't feel very well... I'll just... call my family tomorrow, instead of today..."
L observed his retreating back with a hint of worry. "Light, you have not eaten today. Perhaps you would like to eat before departing to bed?"
"...I'm not hungry..." The younger man paused before the steel door, waiting patiently for it to open. Once it had, he disappeared into the hallway, the door clanging shut behind him.
L swiveled back to face his computer monitor and brought a thumb to his mouth, vigorously worrying at the nail. Denying what he felt to Light had possibly pushed the younger man over the edge, and he was overwhelmed with guilt at having caused this pain to his partner. He wanted so much to simply stop caring about his fear and hurry over to Light's room to apologize, to tell him the truth...
...but he couldn't. The fear was too powerful to ignore, even though Light's earlier actions screamed that he was truly in love with L, and had showed no signs of untoward intentions.
L's denial just now served to be a temporary solution to a permanent problem, as Light's feelings would have to be dealt with sooner or later, one way or another.
And THAT was a confrontation that L was NOT looking forward to.
A/N: I apologize my long absence, and a shorter chapter than usual. I have no excuses (though, I would blame a few collage exams, if I were you). I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter, 'cause I certainly enjoyed typing it. ^_^
Random shout-out: I LUFF YOO, LAWLI-CHAN!