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Chapter 10- Telling The Truth- Halfway.
"Andy...".
"No Sam, just tell me why". Andy's voice became suddenly sharp as it found a new kind of edge as her words were uttered.
"Why what?".
"All of it Sam?".
"I wouldn't even know where to start. You heard what I had to say". Sam waved his hand towards her phone still clutched in her hand.
"Tonight Sam, you never said anything before now, why? I don't get it".
Sam ran a hand through his hair, feeling the dampness soak through it as they stood so close yet so far apart.
"What was I supposed to say? Andy I'm sorry..."
"Sam, you broke my heart". As he heard her words, he was sure that he heard the tears behind them too.
"I made a mistake".
"Why? Why did you do it?"
He knew she was referring to him leaving her to stand in the rain alone that night, when she had said he should go if it was over, her face was mirroring the one she had worn that night.
"Because you loved me back". His words were barely audible, the flash of lightning crossing her face as it contorted to a mask of disbelief riddled with total awe.
"What does that even mean?".
Andy didn't miss the fact that he used the word 'loved' referring to her feelings being in the past tense.
Sam had no idea how to put the words out there, it was something he just didn't do, couldn't do.
He didn't know how.
"I...you...shit!". He really had no idea.
"Andy, my whole life I've wanted someone who didn't have a reason to, didn't need to, they just did, and you did. And that scared the crap out of me. You had no reservations about it, you just did it, completely. And I didn't know if I could do that because one day if you stopped, I...wouldn't handle it. So I took the easy way out, or what I thought the easy way out would be. I let you in, but I thought letting go would stop it from hurting...".
Andy just stared at Sam almost like her mind wasn't wrapping itself around his words.
"You walked away because you thought I was going to?". Andy's voice was ragged, raw emotion seeping out with every letter.
"Andy, everyone eventually does, it was just a matter of when". Sam had to look away as he let the last few words tumble out.
"Sam are you even listening to yourself? You don't know that! How can you even say that? I came for you when you worked Brennan, I came and I told you I didn't want to go back, and after everything, you still think I would have walked away?".
Sam could see that his words stung, they cut deep and there was no way for him to take them back.
"Andy, think about it, we knew we were asking for trouble, our relationship was based on danger and our own recklessness, everyday life a risk for us...I meant what I said about being a cop and being with you...".
"That's what you think? Seriously? Sam for one second take away the badges, take away our jobs and look at us, without the risks, look at us as people, normal people and when you see that clearly, you give me a call and let me know what you see". Andy shifted from foot to foot as she began to back away, her fiery spark fading rapidly as her tears mingled with the raindrops.
"Andy, I'm sorry, if I could take it back I would...I never wanted to hurt you, and honestly I didn't think that it would be that...destructive?". Sam knew his words were unsure, he was unsure.
Just as Andy started walking back towards the Penny she froze at Sam's words. Was he kidding? He seriously thought that it wouldn't hurt her?
Spinning around Andy's feet carried her to stand squarely in front of Sam, her eyes fiery in defiance as Sam found her really scary in the moment.
"How dare you. You know what, you can't leave me voicemails telling me that no matter what happens you still love me, and then act like you didn't leave any of them, you can't tell me that you walked away because you thought that some day I might do it instead. Sam do you have any idea what it felt like the day I held the grenade? I thought I was going to die, be blown to smithereens, wishing that I had the chance to do one last thing before I died? I just wanted one last chance to tell you that I still loved you. Then in the blink of an eye, you're there, then I'm scared that you're going to die, and I'm going to have to stand there and watch it! After weeks of ignoring me, you put yourself in a life and death situation to tell me you love me? Why would you even do that?"
Andy had somehow shrunk away from him as she spoke.
"Because if you died that day, there was no way I would have survived without you, if you died that day, one way or another I was going with you". Sam's own voice encased with emotion as he stepped towards Andy his word seething out.
Andy felt as though every last ounce of oxygen was sucked out of her in that instant, gone with his words as his hot breath billowed out in a cloud of steam as he spoke, leaning forwards and slowly pronounced each and every syllable so that she would understand.
"Do you get it now Andy? Do you get why I was there that day? Why I chose that moment to tell you how I feel? No spur of the moment, no saying them out of regret. Just saying them so that you would know because there was no way I was making it out of there and you weren't. That was my back up plan, if ETF couldn't make it on time, I would have sent you out...".
Sam kept inching forwards until his face was barely separate from Andy's as his voice filled the air around them, sounding horse and strangled.
Andy's hand splashing across his cheek stopped all forms of speech in their tracks as his words were replaced with a crackling slap just as Sam heard her let out a gasp at her own actions.
He deserved it, he deserved worse in fact.
"Sam...". Andy's hand flew up to her mouth, shame washing over her softly broken features.
"I deserve it, just like you deserve the truth". Sam was pinching his eyes closed trying to reign in a little bit of self control.
Andy felt numb.
There was no dampness from her rain soaked clothes, no chill from the cold night air, just nothing.
His words killed her in every sense.
If he thought she deserved the truth, and that was it, he really could have kept it.
"Is that the whole truth Sam?".
Sam's eyes screwed shut, slits of pure heat as he stared at her intensely. He had seen what telling her that much had done to her, and now she was asking for more?
"Andy, I don't think..."
"Don't think Sam just tell me okay?". Andy's voice held a tinge of anger.
"Andy what do you want from me?". Sam's voice doing the same with growing frustration at their situation.
"I want to understand why. I want to make sense of it because I still don't get it, don't get why you promised to do all the work and do it until I said yes, but you're not, you're walking away again..."
"Because this is me Andy. I'm messy and unstable. I'm not good for you, but I can't stay away, I...this is just who I am".
"You think I don't know who and what you are? You're not messy or unstable Sam, but you sure as hell are right when you say you're not good for me, because with you I second guess myself, you make all rationality escape me and there is never a moment when I don't wonder what you'd say or what you'd think when you're not around. You make me want to be better, a better person, a better cop, a better friend...". Andy ran out of words at the friend statement.
Why was she even putting up a fight for Sam when he saw them as friends?
"So we're friends?". Sam broke the silence, but just barely.
"Sam we've never been friends". Andy whispered just before stepping away, her hand coming up to wipe away the few stray tears that still wet her cheek. Or maybe it was raindrops, she just didn't know anymore.
"Why not?". Sam's voice carried over to her, again halting her attempt to flee.
"Why not what Sam?". Andy didn't bother turning to face him, she wouldn't have the strength to still walk away if she did.
"Why haven't we ever been friends?".
"Sam...".
She really did not want to have this part of the conversation, divulge her secrets to have her heart broken again.
"Why not?". Sam voice was a whisper in her ear, his breath fanning out into her hair when he spoke. He was close, really close, and she hadn't even heard him walk over to her.
"It's complicated". She was avoiding it, and most definitely didn't want to say it. Before when she said it, she added that he didn't have to say it back, or say anything, she just wanted him to know. But now, having heard him say it once, she desperately wanted to hear him say it again.
"So un-complicate it for me then".
Sam was guessing here, taking a shot in the dark. He had no idea what he was doing, but if there was even a remote chance that he could possibly hear her say what he wanted to hear her say, then there was no way he was going to let the opportunity slip past him.
"We've always been more Sam, never friends, even when we were partners, it was always more".
"And now?". Her words did little to subside the anticipation he had welling up in him, the longing he had to hear her say something different.
"You added the label of friends". Andy snapped out, stepping out of Sam's personal space to feel the sudden chill replace his warmth.
"And if I said that was another mistake I made?".
Andy whirled around, her eyes snapping to search Sam's as she tried to make sense of his words.
"So now you don't want that? Is it because of Luke, because I already told you it wasn't a date. He was trying to build a friendship there Sam, he went a little overboard, but that was just to make you jealous, there was never a chance of that happening because...". Andy clamped her mouth shut just in time to stop the words she was attempting to keep in from escaping.
Sam's eyes were smiling at her babbling, her unintentionally giving him all he needed to know without actually saying the words.
"You are jealous aren't you? You thought that I was going back down that road so you backed off. Sam that was never what I wanted...".
Andy's voice trailed off as she looked up at Sam, his face looking hopeful yet restrained as he had one eyebrow arched up and Andy would swear he was wearing a smirk.
Andy pinched her eyes closed just for a split second, her lip between her teeth as it gently gnawed on the soft skin.
Her mind raced out of control, there were so many different ways to do this, yet here they were back right where it started.
The Penny.
The parkinglot.
The rain.
Andy opened her eyes to find Sam watching her with a twinkle in his eyes, the one that had been missing for as long as she could remember, back from when before she left.
"Andy...I...". Sam's voice was cut short as his phone leaped to life in his pocket, his hand instinctively reaching for it in case it was work.
He found his nephews name flashing across the screen when he opened the new text alert, to feel his heart stop in one single beat.
Reading the words over and over again, Sam's mind spanned across the vast possibilities that those words meant.
'Uncle Sammy, u gotta come home!'.
Looking at Andy, Sam felt torn between finishing what they finally started, and leaving.
There were no other details other than he had to come home, and if his sixteen year old nephew though he needed to come home, Sam knew it was serious.
Sarah raised a clever kid.
"Andy...I've got to go, I'm sorry". Sam whispered before turning away and making his way back over the few feet they had covered between where they were and where the truck was
"Sam?".
"Not now Andy" Sam barked out to see Andy shrink away as her feet stopped following him.
"Then when?". Sam pulled the door of his truck open to hear Andy's voice again sounding broken when she whispered.
"Sam...if you leave now that's it, it's done. Over". She couldn't even look at him as she spoke, instead her face turned towards the quiet street.
"Andy, I have got to go, I'm sorry, but this...this is me being me". Sam slammed the door closed before driving away like he was possessed, Andy not missing that he turned away from his house and headed in the opposite direction.
As Sam reached the city limits, he thought over Andy's words as they repeated through his mind 'Sam...if you leave now that's it, it's done, over' and he felt his heart tear in two. He felt the self loathing creep back into him for doing the same thing he had done to her before, but maybe she would allow him the chance to explain when he knew what was wrong, because from the few words in the text, something was seriously wrong.
Andy watched Sam drive away, cursing herself for the ultimatum she had issued him so stupidly.
"Aaarggg!". She groaned out as Sam's backlights faded into the night.
What was she thinking saying that? Saying what she didn't mean?
She was tired of hoping, tired of waiting, and right when she thinks they're finally about to get somewhere, Sam takes off.
If this was how life with them was meant to be it sorely sucked!
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Jelly Bean Jenna©