Chapter X – The Graceless Knight / Radiance
Sorry for the cliffhanger in the last chapter.
"Angel, angel, what have I done?
I've faced the quakes, the wind, the fire
I've conquered country, crown, and throne
Why can't I cross this river?
Pay no mind to the battles you've won
It'll take a lot more than rage and muscle
Open your heart and hands, my son
Or you'll never make it over the river
It'll take a lot more than words and guns
A whole lot more than riches and muscle
The hands of the many must join as one
And together we'll cross the river"
Puscifer – The Humbling River
Things were not always what they seemed to be. And even an affliction as powerful as hopelessness, nourished by shadows whispering of conspiracy, might not always be what one thought of them. Voices grew ever louder, so loud indeed that he wanted to press his hands on his ringing ears and close his eyes shut. Be done with it. Leave this place. The words were spoken, the new bond established. Was a life of hopelessness even worth living? He had to make this decision as soon as he left.
"What's this supposed to be?!"
"It's against all of our island's traditions!"
"I don't think that this is even a wedding song."
"Impudence, I tell you!"
"Father, do something about that!"
What's that? Even a mind as far gone as the cook's was able to recognise that these voices were not happy. Quite the contrary, the tone they carried was irate, affronted, enraged, confused. Something didn't go according to a plan. Whatever it was, there seemed to be enough of a reason to call out to the person of the highest authority present. To their surprise, he didn't seem to care. Raising his sonorous voice, it seemed as if he was taking his place as a staunch defender of whatever it was that was going on.
"Honoured guests, I beg you: In this very moment, every voice has a right to be heard. Even those who left our lives may speak if their cause is just, the only requirement is for them to be given a voice. This might just be the case."
What was all of this supposed to mean? The ceremony was at an end, both must have said 'yes' to each other. They were man and wife now. She was gone, forever. Why was it, though, that he couldn't shake off the feeling of warmth caressing his skin? He was sure that a storm was raging on the outside, the mortal enemy of the sun, forbidding her to bring light to those in need. Yet, his skin felt as if he was embraced by loving arms, a shiver went through him as his mind tried to make sense of all the contradicting signals his ears gathered and his subconscious mind interpreted. He shouldn't feel good. There was no warmth left in this world, at least not for him, not on this occasion. Yet, he couldn't shake it off and ban it from his thoughts. Something was in the air, so thick that one might even be able to cut it with a knife. Something that should be forgotten, a remnant of a past he desperately wanted to forget. A very special something that was not allowed to emerge from memories clouded. Still, it did. After all these terrible memories that haunted him, he had forgotten that the world was not always dark. Even within these gloomy days.
Slowly, step by step, his mind was creeping back out of its shell. He didn't want it to, but the siren's song was too strong. The voices that cried out against this 'impudence' were still prevalent, but resistance was raised. It all began with one single voice that took a stand against the evergrowing darkness of his mind, one that he heard somewhere before, singing words that he was all too familiar with. It shouldn't be, yet it was.
"Yo-hohoho, Yo-hohoho .. Yo-hohoho, Yo-hohoho .."
Were one voice was raised, others were soon to follow. The source of the warmth that was touching his skin wasn't sunlight, but sound. The lonely voice was, at first, accompanied by only a piano and a few violins.
Music was proven to have an unbelievable impact on the human mind. Depending on the song chosen, a plethora of emotions could occur within the listener. These days, sadness, depression and longing for reclusion were most prevalent in the cook's life. This particular one, though, had other things in mind. Its purpose was to lift spirits, to create purpose within a life that seemingly didn't have one.
More voices were joining. They knew the lyrics by heart. Every single of them knew. His ears caught the most unlikely of voices first, deep and booming. It belonged to the marimo. Even he knew.
"Going to deliver Bink's Sake! Following the sea breeze! Riding on the waves! For across the salty depths! The merry evening sun!"
The swordsman was not alone. More voices chimed in and it felt as if Sanji's very heart itself was beginning to move to these forgotten, ancient tunes. Numbed senses returned, were driven out of a hell hole that seemed so devoid of hope. He just let it happen.
"The birds sing as they draw circles in the sky!"
Usopp, Franky .. am I dreaming?
"Farewell to the harbor, to my old hometown!"
Even Chopper. None of them has forgotten.
Soon enough, he heard all of them.
"Let's all sing out with the Don! As the ship sets sail! Waves of gold and silver dissolve to salty spray! As we all set sail to the ends of the sea! Going to deliver Bink's Sake!"
Robin .. Luffy .. they're all here. For the sake of all of us. Within these halls, we are reunited and reborn into the light. An ethereal moment, but it is so real that I might be able to grasp it with my own two hands ..
"We are pirates, sailing through the Sea! The waves are our pillows, the ship our roost! Flying the proud skull on our flags and our sails!"
The cook's own voice was the last to join, unrestrained and invigorated. His world might have succumbed to darkness, but in this very moment, they were with him and he was with them.
"Now comes a storm through the far-off sky! Now the waves are dancing, beat upon the drums! If you lose your nerve, this breath could be your last! But if you just hold on, the morning sun will rise!
Yo-hohoho, Yo-hohoho
Yo-hohoho, Yo-hohoho
Yo-hohoho, Yo-hohoho
Yo-hohoho, Yo-hohoho .."
Finally, the inevitable end of the song was here. The moment of warmth and unity would be gone, too, in just a second.
But it was a hallmark of the Straw Hat's to defy fate whenever they could. Facing impossible odds was what made them what they were, what some of them still are, even to this day.
Sanji could still feel the backdrop of despair, the desperation that held dominion over his heart and mind. But he wasn't alone anymore.
"Forgive my discourtesy, navigator-san. I felt that it was necessary to give our bard a voice, for he does not have one of his own anymore. And .. Nami ..", her use of her real name was something out of the orderly. What was happening? Had it been Robin's voice, the female voice that answered with a 'yes', shortly before the song was played?
"I beg your forgiveness again, but I feel inclined to share his opinion."
The bride's face went pale as she heard these words, she turned around to her former captain, her surrogate father, to look for help. She found him smiling. Not his signature, broad smile, though, but a thoughtful and reflective one. His voice resonated with it. Even though he was reunited with crew and crown again, it seemed as if his subconscious mind didn't find cheerfulness fitting for the occasion.
"She is right, Nami. You do not belong here. You weren't made for this life. Just take a look at yourself. The shivers that went through your body when Bink's Sake was played. Your body still remembers where you're supposed to be. You were born to sail this world, with us! We'll always be with you, Nami, our dreams were made to complement each other's."
Sanji couldn't believe what he was hearing. Robin AND Luffy both decided to speak up against her marriage instead of being staunch supporters of her choice?
An old saying told that even the darkest hours of the day were only preceding the break of dawn.
Three voices joined together to push the thick clouds apart, as to make way for the sun's rays to grace the earth once again. They were not alone.
The cook's head twirled around as he heard another chair being pushed back, another person standing up for what he thought was the right thing. He had put on his black sunglasses, possibly to cover the fact that he was crying an endless river of tears. No one was tricked by that, yet he went with it.
"Sis, sis, I'm sorry! So sorry! I arrived to support you, I'm still here to do that! It is just my heart that's telling me that the backing you need should lead you into another direction! Freedom, sis, is what you need! Sailing the Blues again, visiting strange islands, drawing your maps right where their source is, that's the freedom I'm talking about! I just can't help the feeling that you're chaining yourself by going through with this marriage, you're giving up your freedom and condemn yourself to a prison cell with a nice view."
Luffy .. Robin .. Franky .. even Brook from beyond the grave. Is that really what all of you think? Didn't .. didn't we come to help her? Or is this what you consider helping? Now, all of a sudden, we're acting like .. like family again. Did something happen? Is none of you able to remember the past? These terrible days that tore us apart? Why, now, do you want to bring them back? I don't understand ..
Franky didn't waver, an impressive sight to behold and reason enough for Luffy to finally show his smile again. Was the past coming back to life again? Even if it was, not all about this was good. When his eyes found the goddess again, it was clear as day that she was close to tears. Maybe because she felt betrayed by her friends. The very same friends she invited to have their support while moving on to a new life. That was most likely, wasn't it? Her skin was pale, her eyes watery, yet she didn't speak. Maybe because she knew that right now, she wouldn't have control over her voice. A welcome opportunity for .. the next one to stand up.
Even in his small form, the impact his voice made was clearly visible as most of the groom's side of guests sharply inhaled. Contrary to that, children found it incredibly cute, but that didn't take the gravity from his words.
"Nami, when we were young, we all set out to see the world, to chase our dreams as if there was no tomorrow. I .. I just know that you haven't forgotten what you were once dreaming of. I'm sure that you haven't forgotten all the things we lived through, that brought us together, forged bonds that would never truly break. It is not only your purpose that's still out there, it's not only your dreams that have been buried alive! It's not too late, Nami, not at all! A .. a friend told me that we're still young enough to change our ways again. Our dreams are still waiting out there, on the sea. If we don't even try to seize them now, they'll be gone forever. I've known you for many years now, Nami, and it's the same for you as for the rest of us. If we don't take the opportunity that is given to us right at this moment, we will spend the rest of our lives asking the same question every day: What could have been? I, for one, would never be able to forgive myself, letting the chance pass to just know what life has still in store for us.", the small reindeer was taking a deep breath, the smallest and youngest of them all was a shining example of what idealism really meant. Having travelled with them, he knew how to reach their hearts. Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more! Another put his strength to the test against the rising tide. His voice echoed in these halls and in the cook's mind aswell.
"He's right, Nami. You know that as well as I do, as all of us do. Whatever action you're taking, it's just a band-aid to keep the things you earnestly desire at bay.", some voices from the groom's side were trying to interrupt him, only to be .. looked at. And within this instant, all the stories he told about himself became nothing but the truth. A terrifying warrior that sailed all over the Grand Line, facing down monsters and tyrants, pushing onward into the gaping mouth of the abyss itself. It wasn't quite the famed Colour of the Conquering King, no, but the easily forgotten yet still burning spirit of a mighty warrior of the sea, easily overshadowed when compared to the inhuman strength of his former crew mates, but a shining beacon of might when standing on its own. In fact, reaching this state of mind, reflecting it within his deeds, could have even been considered more than the monstrous strength that his captain, the swordsman and the cook were famous for. Because he was just a man, yet he still gave no quarter.
The brave knew fear, but despite it, they fought on.
"Nami, we're not going to live forever, but don't we owe it to our dreams to go on, to carry the flame for those about to follow? Forgive me, Nami, but a recent revelation .. just puts me into a position that is close to yours. I have more reason to stay than I could explain right now, yet I still hear the call. It's been growing louder ever since we were separated and I'm sure that it's going to consume my heart if I don't act according to it. It's been too long, but our time has come again. Allow yourself to act. And .. as a last, humble request from someone who has been your friend over all these years, please, I beg for you to find .. find forgiveness in your heart. Not for our sake, not even for his, but for yours. Your heart might be mended through forgiveness. Give it a chance to breathe again. It will remember."
Forgiveness .. what's he talking about ..
Seeing all of his old friends again, making a stand to do what's right, he felt as if he was going back in time. Back then, this was what they did. They were game changers and breakers, no matter the situation. All of them together had the power to force the winds of destiny to change its course. A tyrant of terrifying power was no match for the combined strength of the Straw Hats, even when the sun was out of sight, they still carried the torch. Not only for themselves, but for everyone around. Freedom was for everyone, injustice had to be fought. Every life had a right to follow its dreams. Back then, when their hearts were will pounding as one.
It's not enough. It can never be enough. All the things I did can never be forgiven. This attempt is futile.
His heart wasn't into his thoughts, though. Yet he was unable to speak up. A fact that did not go unnoticed.
"Do I have to fight all of your battles, idiotic, weak erocook?"
Even .. even that one? But should .. should I really be surprised? He always stood when it was necessary.
That was indeed what he was doing, not only pushing his chair back, but rising with such an outburst of force that it was thrown to the ground. His face a reflection of both annoyance, irritation and genuine care for those around him. A rare mixture, but perfectly fitting for this man.
"Guess that after this is over, you're going to charge me big time, woman. But witnessing that some of us are still unable to find their backbone, I'm without option. Our nakama are right. This is not what you were born to do, yet they somehow forget one more important fact. One that I remember all too well. Coming here, I didn't know what to expect of your groom, to be honest, but having met him I can say that .. well, he's a nice guy, promising you a safe future. Nami, that's neither what you want nor what you need. Am I the only one who's able to recall your face and all the tears you cried when this thrice-damned erocook left the crew? Am I the only one who couldn't have a nap because he heard you crying? Goddamn, Nami! I know it and you know it, too! The man you're about to marry isn't half as big as he needs to be to fill the blank spaces that this idiot left!
I'm not going to beg your forgiveness for telling you the damn truth, woman. And neither am I going to waste the rest of my life regretting that I remained silent when I was supposed to speak up. You damn well hear the storm outside, don't you? I know that your heart's longing to fight it, to navigate a ship through it, to show that we're superior to everything this world can throw at us! It pains me to see that you're too stubborn to admit it! It pains me that the both of you are still too god damn stubborn to go where the wind takes you! I'm not your fucking parent, I can't and won't tell you which way to go, but I can't be the only one who knows that we were born to go wherever life will lead us. Believe me, I'm regretting this step even in this very moment, but you just have to open your damn eyes to see the truth."
His face had become red from all the suppressed and now finally freed fury that was raging through his body and mind. Now, he raised a hand to point at Sanji before he continued.
"This man, Nami, is the one you're looking for. Gods know what must be wrong with you, but he's the one you're looking for. And you're the one he's wasting his life dreaming of. How could I ever come to respect this idiot again without the strength he used to have? YOU, god damn woman, were the fire that raged in his soul! And he was all the shelther you ever needed! You can't be so blind as to make this unseen.
Picture home, Nami, just do it for a damn moment! Picture home! What is it that you see? A big old house in the countryside? I bet it's not! We are where you're at home! The Sunny, the smell of tangerines in the air, the water's salt on your tongue and within your nostrils! This is what you consider home. Riding on top of a storm, besting the tempests like a deranged, mad goddess with some damn knight at your side! Just admit it, woman, and keep in mind that whatever you say, there's no going-back from that. But .. but also keep in mind that however deep you're going to fall if you take this step, we're here to catch you, we will soften your fall. Until the last of our days.
You are the spark, Nami, but what good is a spark without kindling? Come back home."
Sanji couldn't believe the things he just witnessed. It was too much, took him by surprise and the unexpected heat that the swordsman put into his words was more than he could ever hope for. It was not as much that hope had been given to his heart, no, but the sheer force of their combined speeches had burned out the dominating hopelessness that had settled for his heart and mind. Control over his body was gone when he himself rose. It didn't end there. His steps were staggering, aiming for the space that was left open between the sides of bride and groom. Somewhere in his subconscious mind, he knew that his was the place he was supposed to be. One last time in the spotlight before an inevitable demise.
If it really is inevitable. Could it be that my mind has become so accustomed to the thought that I am unable to see another way out of this situation? A thousand and more words have been spoken, they have been thought. Was it speaking to the marimo that set things in motion? Was it her invitation? Our paths might not be predetermined by destiny or any other higher force, but the things set in motion could have hardly occured at random. These pieces were made to fit together perfectly. Robin was her maid of honour, I don't think that it had been her plan all along to talk her out of the wedding. Luffy's spirit was broken, up until the very moment he was reunited with the crown that has always been his. Franky, Chopper, Usopp .. I don't know. I didn't know that they cared so much, even though I should have.
All eyes were on him when he met the center of his 'stage'. But except for the loveliest pair of two brown eyes, they did not mean anything to him. These past thirty minutes or so where enough of a time for him to make a decision. He came back from the verge of breaking, walked away from the abyss, molded with the always prevalent yet new found knowledge of companionship that strengthened his back, that poured fuel into the smouldering embers of his soul.
If I go, I'll go with a clear conscience. I will go with the knowledge that I've given my all. Might it be that I'm not standing all alone?
The one appropriate thing to do was to fall to his knees. After all, he was a knight trying to have semi-religious dialogue with the goddess he swore to serve.
"Nami-san .. if it is your will, these words of mine shall be the last for you to ever hear from my mouth. I will gladly abide your wish, as I always have. My only request is for my voice to be heard. One last time."
Another murmur went through the groom's side, this time though, it was more prevalent than before. All the others had spoken up against the marriage, yet they were 'just' friends. Something about this man, his kneeling, his language and the look of utter, selfless admiration on his face, made him stand out of the crowd. He was not just another friend, but a contestant! Someone who might have had it in his hands to change the course of this day. In retrospective, everybody must have known. Even the marimo, as he was the one who finally managed to make him raise his voice.
"We've all heard it now, you're against my son's marriage. Now sit down and let them commence, your concerns have been heard and none will pay any more attention to them!", the enraged voice of an elderly man was raised, obviously being Cassian's father. His face was red with enragedness and his voice was venom. The woman to his left, who might have been quite beautiful in her younger days, was red with anger aswell, but only nodded to her supposed husband's remarks. Others followed.
"What an impudent whelp!"
"Who does he think he is?!"
"Let's just get this over with and throw him out, shall we?"
All these words made the next voice even more remarkable. It might have been the long-haired clergyman's duty to speak up against them, to tell them that their traditions dictated for everyone to be heard, yet he shrouded himself in silence. Instead, the most unlikely person of them all rushed to his aid. A voice that demanded obedience, even from those who most likely stood above the speaker, used by the one man his mind had fashioned as the enemy's accursed champion.
"Father, dear friends, I admire your defence of this marriage, but I want you - I need you - to remain silent.
I want this man to be heard. Here, before the eyes and ears of gods and men. I might not like the prospect of his speech, but in front of you kneels a man who knows that adversity and existence are one and the same. Of his past, I know nothing. Yet I am able to see a mountain that defies the consuming sea."
It is absolutely needless to say that his words sent a shock through everyone present. Immediate stillness fell upon the room. His parents went pale, words that were about to be spoken faced eternal damnation. Robin's eyes widened, as did Luffy's smile. The only face he wasn't able to read was the one of the bride herself. Too many emotions rushed through her eyes.
"May your words be heard, my friend. Make them count."
An unexpected turn of events, an uneasy alliance even .. so confusing indeed, that Sanji lost his ability to speak for a few seconds. Were the gods mocking him?
You've been given a chance. Make the most of it. The only way to earn salvation is to endure. The terrors that haunt us at night are nothing but rain in the forest, but fog before sunrise. I .. I feel it. Every inch of my body resonates with their words. I was standing at the very precipice of oblivion for so long that I had all but forgotten about the light. I am not alone. I never was.
"Nami-san, it feels as if I'm reliving countless dreams. For hours and days uncounted, I thought of nothing but this day. Not only your marriage, but being reunited with you. A million words and sentences raced through my mind, some of them I thought true, others just an illusion. But being face to face with you again, I realise that none of them mattered. Retelling all the things I thought up would slander this event, they would be an insult to you.
Originally, I arrived to support you. I was willing to suffer until the end of my days to see you smile once again, Nami-san. And if that is your wish, I'm still willing to do just that. I .. I just needed to let you know that no matter how many years pass, no matter how many miles we were and might be apart, my beating heart will never stop seeing you as what you are. In the past, I have given you the title of a princess, a queen, a goddess among unworthy men. These still remain true, but I had yet to awake to the most genuine of truths:
Man can live without all of these. Man will live on without a sovereign, even without a divine hand that guides him. But there is one thing, not even a material one, that cannot be lived without.
Home.
You are what my heart considers home, Nami-san. The one place I can't live without. I've travelled far and wide, lived in many places and got to know as many and more people, yet you are the one that my heart is yearning for. Every time I close my eyes, it is shouting out your name into the darkness. Even when I thought that all was lost, my stubborn heart could not be hushed.
It is nothing but the truth, Nami-san, when I say that your name alone will be the last word that leaves my mouth. The last thought that will run through my dying mind. Step by step, little by little, your name alone has been carved onto my heart. Falling before you, I feel no shame to admit this. You alone are all I want, all I need. You are home. The sum of all of my dreams. Your eyes are the real All Blue, the vastness of your heart gives shelter from the storm and nourishes any hunger, past or future. Next to the depths of your mind, I need to tread carefully as to not get lost. Nothing and no one will ever compare to you, Nami-san.
And .. I fear that this might not be enough, but it is all I have to offer. For a brief moment, the blink of an eye on a cosmic scale, our hearts had decided to beat as one. I was reborn into a light I never knew existed, all because of you. Whatever happens now, Nami-san, however you decide, I need you to know that I'm grateful for the moments we shared. You granted me a glimpse of Heaven that I will never forget and cherish until my last breath.
Forgive my impudence if you find it in your heart, Nami-san.
I love you. I will always love you."