#Elizabeth
My mother calls me Sunday morning for our weekly phone call, something I've been looking forward to for days. It is unusual for us to have time to talk during the week, because i'm in class all day, rehearsing at night and sleeping when my mother finishes her night shift at the supermarket.
The worst thing about living in britannia is not being able to see my parents. I miss them a lot, but at the same time, I needed to get far, far away from that place.
I have only returned once since I finished high school and after that visit, we all agreed that it was best not to go home again. My uncles live in Philadelphia, so my parents and I flew there for Thanksgiving and Christmas. The rest of the time I talk to them on the phone or, if I'm lucky, they save the necessary money and come to see me.
It is not the ideal situation, but they understand why I can't go home, and I not only understand why they can't go out, but I also know that i'm the reason. I also know that I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to them.
"Hi dear." my mother's voice envelopes me like a warm hug.
"Hi Mom." I'm still in bed, curled up, wrapped in my comforter and looking at the ceiling.
"How did you do in the ethics exam?"
"I got a 10."
"That's wonderful! See, I told you you didn't have to worry."
"Trust me. Yes, I did. Half of the class failed." I turn to the side and rest the phone on my shoulder. "How is dad?"
"he's okay." she pauses. "He's doing overtime at the factory, but…"
My body tenses expecting what comes next
"But what?"
"But it doesn't look like we're going to be able to go to Aunt Nicole's house for Thanksgiving, baby."
The pain and the remorse in her voice cuts me like a knife. Tears sting my eyes, but I blink them back. "You know we had to fix the leak in the roof and our savings have suffered because of that" says mom. "We don't have enough money for the plane tickets honey"
"can't you drive?" I ask without much conviction. "It's not too long a trip…" Only fifteen hours. It is not a long time at all.
"If we do that, your father will have to ask for days off and we can't afford to give up those hours."
I bite my lip to keep the tears at bay.
"Maybe I can help…" I quickly calculate how much savings I have. It's obvious that it's not enough for three plane tickets to Philadelphia.
But it is enough for a ticket to Ransom.
"I can fly home," I whisper.
"No." her answer is quick and sharp. "You don't have to do that, Elizabeth."
"It's just a weekend." I'm trying to convince myself, not her. Trying to ignore the panic that rises in my throat and chokes me when I think of going back there. "We don't have to go downtown or see anyone. I can just stay at home with you and dad."
There is another long pause.
"Is that what you really want? Because if so, we'll welcome you with open arms, you know that, honey. But if you're not one hundred percent comfortable with the idea, I want you to stay in Liones."
Comfortable?! I'm not sure I can feel comfortable in Ransom anymore. I was already a pariah before I left and the only time I visited, my father ended up in jail for assault. So the answer is "no," going home is about as tempting as cutting my arm off and throwing it to the wolves.
My silence, although brief, is all the answer that my mother needs.
"You're not coming back," she says sternly. "Dad and I would love to see you at Thanksgiving, but I'm not going to put my own happiness ahead of you, Elizabeth." Her voice breaks. "It is bad enough that we are still living in this god forsaken town. There's no reason for you to set foot here again."
Yes, there is no reason for me to do that ... except MY PARENTS. Yes, the people who raised me, who love me unconditionally, who were by my side while I went through the most horrible experience of my life.
And now they're stuck in a place where everyone despises them ... because of me.
God, I want to free them from that town. I feel guilty of being able to get out of there and, worse still, of leaving them behind. They want to move as soon as they can, but the real estate market is not so great right now, and with the second mortgage they got in order pay the attorneys' fees, they would be ruined if they tried to sell the house now. And although the refurbishing my father is doing will increase the value of the house, they are also taking money out of their own pockets in the process.
I swallow the lump in my throat, wishing with all my strength that the circumstances were different.
"I'll send you the money I have saved," I whisper. "So you can pay some of the mortgage."
That she doesn't outright refuse my offer tells me that they are in an even worse position than i originally thought.
"And if I win the scholarship for the concert," I add, "I'll be able to pay for the residence and the dining room next year so that you and dad don't have to worry about that at least"
I know that would help them even more; the scholarship they gave me for liones only covers tuition. My parents have been dealing with the other expenses.
"Elizabeth, I don't want you worrying about money. Your father and I will be fine, I promise. As soon as we finish the improvements at home, we will be in a much better position to sell it. And meanwhile, I want you to enjoy college, honey. Stop worrying about us and start focusing on yourself." His tone becomes cheerful. "Is there a new boyfriend that you want to tell me about?"
I smile to myself.
"no"
"Oh, come on, there has to be someone that interests you."
My cheeks get hot when I think of Arthur.
"Well… There is one. Let's see, we're not dating or anything, but seriously I wouldn't object if he wanted to take me out."
Mom laughs.
"Well, why don't you ask him out.
Why does everyone think that it would be so easy for me?
"Yeah, maybe. You know me, I like to take things slowly." Or, rather, I do not like to take them in any way. I have not had a single date since Mael and he left me last year.
Quickly change the subject.
"Tell me about that new manager you complained about in the last email. It seems that he's driving you crazy."
We chatted about my mother's cashier job for a while, although it hurts to hear her talk about it. She used to be a teacher in elementary school, but after my scandal, she was fired, and the bastards of the school system found a loophole to pay her the smallest compensation possible. Something that went directly to the pile of debt my family has though it barely made a dent.
Mama tells me about my father's new obsession with airplane models, tells me about our dog's antics and bores me with the details of the vegetable garden that she plans to plant in the spring. Something remarkably absent from the conversation is any mention of friends or dinners at the center or community events for which all small towns are known for. And that's because, just like me, my parents are also pariahs in town.
Unlike me, they didn't run away as if they had a firecracker in the ass.
In my defense I desperately needed a new beginning.
I wish they could have gotten one too.
When I hang up, I am caught between an immense joy and a deep sadness.
I love talking to my mother, but knowing that I'm not going to see her or dad in Thanksgiving makes me want to cry.
Fortunately, Diane comes to my room before I can succumb to the sadness and spend the rest of the day crying in bed.
"Hello," she says cheerfully. "Do you want to have breakfast in vanya? Gelda says we can take her car."
"Only if we go to any place that is not the black cat." There's nothing worse than eating in the place where you work, especially since most of the time Della bundles me to stay there to work a shift.
Diane snorts.
"There is no other place where you get breakfasts. But okay. Let's go to the dining room."
I jump out of the bed just as Diane throws herself on to it, stretching out on the comforter as I go to the dresser to get something to wear.
"Who were you talking to on the phone? Your mother?"
"Yeah" I slip a soft blue sweater over my head and stretch the bottom edge. "I'm not going to be able to see them at Thanksgiving."
"Oh, i'm so sorry, honey." Diane sits down. "Why do not you come to megadona with me?"
It's a tempting offer, but I promised my mother that I would send her money and I don't want to put my savings account to zero by spending it all on a train ticket and a weekend in megadona.
"I can't afford it," I reply sadly.
"What the fuck? I would pay for your ticket if I could, but I have no money since the trip to Mexico that King and I took in the spring."
"It's fine, I wouldn't let you to pay for me Anyway." I smile. "We'll be starving artists when we graduate, remember? We have to save every penny we can."
She sticks out her tongue at me.
"No way. We will be famous from the second we get out the door. You will sign a record contract for several albums and I will be the protagonist of a romantic comedy with Ryan Gosling, who, by the way, will fall madly in love with me. Then we will end up living in a house on Malibu beach."
"You and me?"
"No, Ryan and me! But you can come visit us. You know, when you're not out there hanging with Beyoncé and Lady Gaga."
I laugh.
"Your fantasies are ambitious."
"That is our future, you'll see."
I really hope so, especially for Diane.
honestly, I can perfectly imagine her as a protagonist in a romantic comedy. It's not that it's pretty like Angelina Jolie, but it's very cute, and like a breath of fresh air. she would be perfect in one of those romantic comedy roles. The only thing that worries me is ... well, she's too soft. My dear Diane is by far the most compassionate person I have ever met. she refused a free trip to the danafor theater program because she didn't want to go too far from her father who has multiple sclerosis and she wanted to be able to get to megadona anytime if he ever needed her.
Sometimes I'm afraid that Hollywood is going to eat her alive, but her strength is as big as her heart, and she's also the most ambitious person I've ever met, so if someone can make her dreams come true, It's Diane.
"I'll wash my face and brush my teeth and then we'll leave." I turn my head when I go to the door of my bedroom. "Are you going to be here tonight? I teach until six, but maybe later we could see some episodes of Mad Men."
She shakes her head.
"I'm having dinner with King. I'll probably stay at his place tonight.
A smile stretches my lips.
"So it's serious again, huh?" Diane and King have broken up three times since first year, but the two always seem to end up in each other's arms again.
"I think so," she admits as she follows me to the room we have in common. "We've both grown a lot since the last breakup. But I'm not thinking about the future. We're great right now and that is enough for me." she winks at me. "That and that the incredibly fantastic sex doesn't hurt."
I draw strength for another smile but, deep down, I can't help but wonder what that would be like. The fantastic sex part that is.
My sex life has not been exactly shooting stars, searing heat and fireworks. It has been fear, anger and years of therapy and, when I was finally ready to try my luck on the subject of sex, it certainly didn't work out as I hoped. Two years after the rape, I slept with a first-year student I met at a coffee shop in Phili when I was visiting my aunt's house. We spent the whole summer together, but the sex was clumsy and lacking in passion and to be frank dull. At first I thought maybe there was just no chemistry between us ... until the same thing happened with Mael.
Mael and I had enough chemistry to set a room ablaze. I spent eight months with him, feeling a crazy attraction for him, but no matter how hard he tried; I couldn't get there ... I wasn't able to reach orgasm with him.
I get shamefaced and feel like shit when thinking about the subject. And it's even more humiliating when I remember how frustrating everything was for Mael. He tried to please me. And boy, did he try… And it's not that I can't have orgasms on my own, because I can. Perfectly. But i couldn't make it happen with Mael, and over time he got tired of putting in so much effort but not seeing any results.
So he left me.
I don't blame him. It must be a pretty strong blow to your masculinity when your girlfriend doesn't enjoy the sex life you give her.
"hey, you're as pale as ghost." Diane's worried tone gives me a shake and brings me back to the present. "You good?"
"Yeah, yeah i'm fine. Sorry my mind took a walk there for a moment.
Her blue gaze softens.
"You're really upset about not being able to see your parents for Thanksgiving, aren't you?"
I quickly grab on to what she says go with it.
"It's just that. It's bullshit." I manage to shrug my shoulders. "But I'll see them at Christmas. At least, that's something."
"It's not something, it's everything," she says firmly. "Now go get pretty, baby. I'll have coffee waiting when you get back."
"you are the best friend in the world."
She smiles.
"Just for saying that, I'm going to split a donut with you as well."