Author's Note: I'm really appreciating all the people who are willing to keep reading my stuff even though updates are so few and far between. I love writing but it just has to take a back burner to all the other things in my life (read: school, career, health, family, friends, pets, whiskey, WHOOPS, scratch that last one ;-D). Really though, I'm still very attached to this story and have every intention of seeing it through to the end.
Ch. 10
Step 9: Frantically ask her if she's sick whenever she sneezes. [December 22nd-January 4th]
As I lay sprawled on my back on my four-poster I couldn't help but dwell on the irony of the step I was supposed to be beginning today. After spending the entire night wide awake studying the stitching in the canopy over my bed it seemed much more likely I'd be the sick one.
Lily would probably be well-rested and bushy-tailed. A few minutes after I'd closed my door I'd heard the portrait hole open and close, then several hours passed before I heard it again. As furious as I was with her, it was no less excruciating to think about what she had probably been doing with those hours.
"Probably had a lovely little make-up snog-fest with O'Leary," I grumbled to myself, rolling onto my side and hugging my pillow like it was the only thing anchoring me to the bed. I could see it in my mind. Teary eyed and repentant as she'd been at my door, but in front of O'Leary instead of me, begging him to forgive her, promising him that she wasn't going to go home with me any more, probably lying and saying that it had been her idea.
I gazed dejectedly out the window as the first rays of winter sunlight began to filter through the trees of the Forbidden Forrest. It was probably five in the morning by now. I wondered if I had managed to doze off at all through the night but I was reasonably sure I hadn't.
Lily. How well did I really know her? For years I'd observed her, obsessed over her, memorized her traits, interests and hobbies, speculated about her home life and interrogated Toinette for information. I'd been so sure I knew her better than she knew herself, but really, what do all those things mean? All of Hogwarts knows that I love the Marauders, Lily, Quiddich, pranks and Transfiguration, but I certainly wouldn't say that they know the real James Potter.
How could I have been so stupid? Again? Through the fall semester as I gradually broke down Lily's defenses and she started to share with me I should have realized how much there was I didn't know about her yet.
Like what a manipulative little bitch she could be, I thought venomously, instantly hating myself afterwards. It wasn't Lily's fault I had placed her up on a pedestal back in first year and had refused to listen to anything negative about her ever since.
Everyone has their flaws, I mused. But can you forgive every flaw? Looking back on the past few months I still felt that raging fury of the previous night, cooled down to a glowing ember, but still present deep in my chest, waiting for something to incite it again.
How many times had we almost kissed? Instigated by her as well as by me? How many times had she flirted with me, jokingly but always on that borderline girls can walk so well—giving you a glimmer of hope without promising anything? I could see her in my head, batting her eyelashes tantalizingly. I could hear her voice, offering to go to the library with me, complimenting my pranks, sharing her parents' deaths with me, explaining her relationship with Petunia.
Whatever obvious character flaws (and lack of Quiddich prowess) the guy had, O'Leary was right, Lily and I were far more than friends. O'Leary was her public boyfriend in name at least, but emotionally—and almost physically, I was her real boyfriend.
Looked at as a body of events, it was pathetic. If Moony, Wormtail or Padfoot had ever acted this desperately I'd have beaten them over the head with a particularly heavy text book and talked some sense into them. But hadn't they tried to do just that? For years? I was just more determined—read: pig-headed—than them.
The fact I had to accept was that the Lily I loved wasn't who she really was. No one could ever live up to the flawless woman I had made her out to be in my mind. But if my whole world revolved around loving Lily, and she wasn't who I though she was, where did that leave me?
"Purpose-less and lonely," I told myself glumly, curling into a smaller ball around my pillow.
Suddenly, an even more harrowing thought occurred to me. If Lily wasn't who I thought she was, did I even really love her? No, I realized. No, the person I loved didn't exist.
It took several long moments of heart wrenching pain for that truth to really settle in. The object of all my dreaming and desiring for the past several years was nonexistent. In many ways it felt as if my entire existence was futile. My efforts and planning at the very least were entirely in vain.
I didn't know the real Lily, and I didn't love her. More, I didn't think I could love this other Lily. Starting from scratch now, knowing the way she'd used me and my idolatry of her over the past few months, I wasn't sure I wanted to love her.
I was faced with one ugly truth: it was time to finally get over Lily Evans.
Unable to dwell any longer on my misery, I dragged myself out of bed and into the bathroom, allowing the hot water to massage away some of the tension from my back and shoulders. After about half of the castle's stores of hot water scalded their way down my body, I finally turned the faucet off and went back to my room, noting the fully risen sun hovering over the horizon. I avoided the mirror in the corner of my room; I didn't want to see how haggard my face looked after my night long vigil.
I pulled on muggle clothing for the train ride back to King's Cross: my most worn in and comfortable brown corduroys and a soft dark green shirt that my mum really liked. Carelessly, I tossed my few remaining scattered possessions into my trunk, ruefully remembering Lily's offer to help me pack more neatly. It was still far too early to go down to breakfast but I figured I could walk around the grounds a bit before the train ride at least. I didn't feel much like eating anyways.
I was halfway to the portrait hole when I saw Lily occupying the armchair I'd sunk into the night before. She looked as tired as I felt and I wondered for a moment if her reunion with O'Leary hadn't gone how I'd imagined before I reminded myself that I wasn't supposed to care.
We stared at each other for a long moment. I was torn into two warring aspects of myself. The part of me that had spent so long dreaming of finally calling Lily my own demanded that I make up with her; it wasn't too late for her to come home with me after all. But the logical side that had always hovered under the surface, skeptical of my ever succeeding at winning her had gained a lot of ground in the past ten hours of wakefulness.
Wouldn't Lily's boyfriend be the one who asked her if she felt alright? Shouldn't he be the one to stroke her face and ask why she clearly hadn't slept? Wasn't it his to take her into his arms and comfort her?
That was not me and never would be. She had made that abundantly clear.
I started to turn away when she spoke. "James," she said quietly but firmly as she stood. "I can't even tell you how sorry I am. I didn't mean—"
"Please don't, Lily," I answered, refusing to turn and meet her gaze so as to keep my resolve. "Stop trying to be nice. You've been telling me you wanted nothing to do with me for years and I just didn't want to listen. I'm finally listening. I'm going to leave you alone—as much as our job will allow me. You don't have to pretend anymore."
I was at the portrait hole when she spoke again, softly. "But I wasn't pretending."
That's all it took for the ember to burst into flames again.
"YOU WEREN'T PRETENDING?!" I roared, spinning to face her and clenching my fists at my sides. Lily dropped back into her seat in shock. Certainly we'd fought before, in fact, that's practically all we ever did, but I had never initiated it and I'd certainly never yelled at her like this.
"He's still the same arrogant, toerag, Potter he's always been, and he still drives me crazy," I mimicked her, shocked at the nasty, cruel tone my voice had taken on. I'd heard the words over and over again in my head all night that I easily recalled them verbatim. "Isn't that what you said, Lily?"
She just stared at me in shocked silence but it only enraged me further.
"I've tried Lily!" I vaguely registered my fingernails biting into my palms as I clenched my fists. "Merlin knows I've tried for you but I just don't know what you want from me anymore! A friend? A lover? An enemy? Eternal worship? I don't think YOU know! And I'm sick of it! I'm so bloody sick of it I want to walk out of here and never have to come back! I'm sick of never being good enough for bloody-fucking-perfect Evans!" At this point my voice was making the picture frames vibrate against the walls but I didn't care.
"I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING TOY, LILY!" She quivered in her chair but didn't offer any protestations. "DO YOU GET THAT? FOR A SMART GIRL I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU THINK YOU CAN USE AND MANIPULATE PEOPLE LIKE THIS! YOU WANT ME ONE DAY, O'LEARY THE NEXT, AND NOBODY THE DAY AFTER THAT! HOW IN YOUR TWISTED MIND IS THAT OKAY?"
She started crying, silent tears streaming down her cheeks.
"Merlin!" I kicked the side table closest to me, sending the lamp crashing to the floor as I ran my hand through my hair. The clashing sound calmed me down enough to regain my composure. "It's done," I said in a lower voice, finally looking her in the eyes. "This fucked up fake relationship we have going on where you use me and I follow you around like a helpless puppy dog? It's over. How many times have you insulted me for my pride? Well I'm finally showing some. Find yourself a new pet because I'm not doing it anymore."
The portrait hole was open when she sneezed. I froze in place, staring at the corridor beyond but thinking about the girl behind me and what I had sworn to do for her over the past several months even if she didn't know it.
"Are you sick?" I asked her tonelessly.
"No," she squeaked out between sniffles.
I climbed into the corridor and walked away.
o.0.o
No amount of joking or pleading from my Marauders would pull me out of my gloom on the train ride back to London. I explained to them and Toinette as briefly as possible what had transpired between Lily and me in the past 24 hours and my decision to finally move on and then turned to gaze out the window at the repetitive countryside.
However I couldn't help but meet Toinette's eyes for a moment first, registering the sadness and regret so evident there and wondering what Lily had had time to tell her before we left. Did she scream and curse about how I'd led her on for years? Did she put on a cheerful face and pretend it never happened. Did she feel guilty? Did she regret how she'd treated me? Did she say she was glad I'd finally stop following her around? Did she cry? I reminded myself I wasn't supposed to care.
Eventually they left me alone to mope, and I focused on continuing to breathe until the train pulled into King's Cross.
On the platform each of my friends hugged me and patted me on the back, wishing me a happy Christmas, sentiments I returned half heartedly.
I swerved my way through the crowds of students, holding Charlie high above my head and dragging my trunk, making my way to the parking lot and finding my mother's beat up Mercedes. I say beat up because any muggle would think it was a clunker that can barely run from its outward appearance, but inside it was spacious, luxurious and drove itself.
My mom was leaning against the car, smiling, the first thing to raise my spirits since O'Leary had entered the Heads' Common Room the night before. Even middle aged, she was still the beautiful woman she'd been in her 20s, age lending her grace. Long dark brown hair just a shade lighter than mine and slightly olive skin, she would make an impression even if she weren't the most fashionable witch I'd ever seen. She wasn't over the top, jumping on every fashion trend, but her classic style and make up always made her seem like such a real person to me. If you can't tell yet, I'm a mama's boy.
"Hi baby," she crooned, pulling me into a hug. "Why the long face?" I buried my face into her neck and inhaled that warm smell only mothers seem to have.
"I'd rather not, Mum," I said, not because I'm not close with my mom—she knew almost as much about my obsession with Lily as the Marauders—but just because I was tired of explaining what had happened. And seeing her, I was a little embarrassed about losing my temper. I still meant every word I'd said to Lily, but my mother had raised me to respect women, and as I replayed the cursing and breaking of lamps in my mind I had to admit I hadn't been very respectful.
"Okay," she said, holding me at arms length and studying my face. I could see she was worried but she smiled. "Let's go home."
I gave her a flicker of a smile in return and climbed into the car.
o.0.o.
"Alright, out with it."
I jumped at my mom's voice, the sudden movement eliciting a discontented yowl from Suze, our massive white, long haired cat (or should I say breathing throw pillow?) who was curled up on my lap.
She chuckled as I attempted to sooth the grumpy animal but amazingly, Suze had already gone back to sleep. She was truly a stunning example of feline pedigree, but she was such a stubborn bratty thing half of the time that it was easy to forget. Either way, she made great snuggling company.
"Out with what?" I grumbled, returning my gaze to the merrily crackling fireplace. Mum sighed and walked over to sit next to me on the couch but I determinedly kept from meeting her gaze.
We were seated in the den, my favorite room in the house because of the huge teak desk in the corner that had been my father's. He never did work from home, but I remembered him chuckling as I'd sit behind it as a child, dwarfed by the size of the thing even with several pillows to prop me up, pretending to sign important documents and writs of arrest. It was a handsome room, reasonably proportioned but made smaller by the floor to ceiling bookshelves that covered every wall.
Looking closer, I realized that Mum hadn't set foot in here since I'd left for school. The pillows on the other arm chairs were exactly as I remembered them last and my beat up copy of Quiddich throughout the Ages was still perched on the end table with a coaster marking my spot. Not that I was surprised. It had been six months, but in this room it still felt like Dad was going to walk through the door at any moment. We all deal with our grief in our own ways.
Mum was frowning slightly, probably dwelling on the same memories as me, but with a less comforting result. "It's Lily," I said to distract her. Then sighed, thinking how many times I'd said that to her. "It's always Lily."
I spent the next two hours reliving the past four months, describing the list, Lily and my tentative friendship, all the conflicting emotions I'd seen in her eyes, the last night when I'd been so hopeful and then so lost. Mum was a sympathetic listener; I think that's why I'd never had a problem being close to her like so many teenaged boys. She didn't interrupt, just nodded sympathetically and patted my knee occasionally, allowing me to let it all out.
Once I'd finished she sighed, pulling my head down to her shoulder and stroking my brow comfortingly. "Oh, James," she murmured into my hair. "Just give it time. I wish I could tell you an easy answer here. Obviously you and Lily were really emotional at the time, but you can't hold one little overheard conversation against her forever, same as she can't hold you yelling at her against you.
"But you're wrong to think that you don't know her," she added. "Yes, all the little things about Lily don't really make up her personality, but from what you've told me, you really did get to know her so far this year. And you didn't dislike that Lily until just last night."
In response to my silence she pulled my shoulders up so she could look me in the eye. "You're right that you don't know everything about her yet," she smiled. "But that's the fun part of loving someone. You're never going to know everything."
"You don't think you know everything about Da?" I asked, regretting the pain I knew it would cause her but suddenly insatiably curious. I'd never seen a couple so in love, so perfectly matched for one another as my parents. They were the reason I'd grown into such a romantic despite my flaws.
A shadow passed over her face but she smiled slightly. "No," she said, "No, your father was always surprising me. And although he knew me better than anyone I know he didn't know everything about me."
I frowned, confused by her answer. "Why didn't you tell him?" I asked, fighting to keep the accusation out of my tone.
She furrowed her brow, clearly trying to think of a way to explain. "Some things can't be told, per se," she answered slowly. "They have to be discovered, because there're no words that fully encompass the complexity of a person." She smiled at my confused expression. "Try it," she ordered. "Try to explain who you are."
"Well that's easy," I said. "I'm James Potter.
Mum laughed. "And who is James Potter?"
"I'm Elena and Harold's son. I'm a Gryffindor. I'm a Quiddich Chaser, a Marauder, a wizard, good at transfiguration but abysmal at potions. I'm loyal to my friends and family. I hold grudges. I play the piano. I love my cat even though she's a lazy useless thing," I add, ruffling Suze's fur.
"But I could have told you that. Or Sirius or Toinette, or even Lily, I'd bet," Mum prodded gently. "Think deeper. You're so much more than all that."
I stared into the fire. She was right of course. I genuinely cared about people—I thought about Sam, Johnny and Meredith, my first year friends—but wasn't above using them—I thought about Chris, the little Slytherin I'd locked in the broom cupboard. As much as I protested it coming from Lily, I did have a deep rooted sense of pride that was at once a flaw and a virtue. But I knew that Mum meant something even deeper. Because all these things I thought of were reflections of how other people saw me, or how I imagined they saw me, or how I wanted them to see me.
If I were the only person in the world, who would I be? I thought about the rush of wind in my hair as I fly on a broom or the contented feeling in my gut when I wake up from a dream that I can't remember but I know was pleasant. I thought of the clear-headedness I feel when seated at a piano or the curiosity and desire I felt as I researched how to become an animagus and so much more.
Then I brought back all the people I care about. I felt the immediate relief I felt when I saw my mother at the train station, the unshakable conviction that I would do anything to protect my friends and the constricting feeling I get in my chest whenever Lily's near. I thought back to all the decisions I'd made in my life and realized how complicated they were, not a single one of them motivated by just one aspect of my personality, but several, weighted differently in different situations, but all equally present. No, I could never fully explain that to someone in words. And as we change and grow each day no one could ever possibly fully understand my motivations the way I can with all my memories and prejudices stored up inside.
"Then how do you know you love someone?" I finally asked.
Mum kissed my forehead. "You just do, sweet. I loved you from the moment I felt you kicking in my belly, and I had no idea then what a little rascal you'd turn into." She said tousling my hair.
"Mum!" I whined, flattening my hair and conveniently forgetting that usually my instinct was to do the opposite.
She chuckled and kissed my forehead. "I mean it though, James. Knowing everything there is to know about someone doesn't mean you love them—it means you're stalking them perhaps—" She put a finger over my mouth to silence my disgruntled noise of protestation. "But there's a lot more to love than knowledge."
I stroked Suze's head absentmindedly. "That's all well and good, so maybe I do still care about Lily," I couldn't bring myself to say love. "But that doesn't make her any closer to loving me." Somehow, I felt even worse than I had in the morning, a feat I would have thought impossible.
Mum's forehead creased. "That's how I know you're growing up," she said sadly. "Your problems are getting big enough that I can't fix them for you."
She paused, for a long while, staring into the fire. "James, I'll be honest, I don't know if Lily loves you or not. I've never actually met her, aside from seeing her at the train station, and I certainly haven't seen you two interact." She met my eyes. "But I know my son. He's an incredible, sweet, talented, handsome young man that any sane young lady would be happy to date. So if you think Lily is worth having, she's either insane or she cares about you too, no matter how uncertain she is about that feeling."
"Mum, by that logic we'd have the majority of Britain barging through our door right now," I commented.
She gave me an exaggerated wink. "I barred the garden gate," she whispered conspiratorially, standing up. "It's bed time for me. Don't stay up too late worrying, I'll have Glads bring you some hot chocolate," she said.
"Most likely spiked with a sleeping potion," I answered.
She laughed but didn't disagree. I picked Suze up from under her arms, ignoring her half-asleep protestations, and held her in front of my face. "What do you think Suze?" I asked. "Should I let her drug me?" Suze just glared at me, willing me to put her down so she could nuzzle into my chest and go back to sleep. "You're right," I answered. "Sleep is good." I laid her back in my lap and looked again at the fire.
Recalling my fury in the morning I realized only part of it had really been directed at Lily. Most of my anger was at myself because still, no matter how badly she broke me, I was still just as hopelessly infatuated with her. I found myself looking forward to that nice dose of sleeping potion.
Right on cue, I heard a middle pitched voice from the door. "Master James, Mistress asked me to bring you this." Glads, our house elf placed a silver tray with a sturdily built mug of hot chocolate on it on the table next to me. He was dressed as always, in a homemade toga of sorts made out of deep burgundy towels with bronze embroidery. Shorter than my hip and with huge orb-like eyes, he would be a frightening sight for anyone who wasn't used to house elves, but for me he symbolized comfort and home.
"Thank you, Glads," I said, smiling warmly at him. "It's good to see you."
"It's always a pleasure, Master James," he said, but I could hear the genuine warmth in his voice.
"Tell me honestly," I said, thinking about Mum's tired expression as she had surveyed the den. "How has she been holding up?" I knew he would know instantly who I was talk about.
Glads looked at his feet for a moment then met my eyes. "Mistress doesn't sleep well, Master Potter," he confided quietly. "Glads is hearing her at night, Sir. Tosses and turn all night, she does."
I frowned. "Does she take anything?" I asked, thinking of the spiked drink waiting for me and grabbing it to take a sip.
Glads shook his head. "I is trying to sneak some into her drinks when she isn't watching, Sir, but she never drinks them after," he whispered, clearly horrified at his stealth. "Mistress is too good to be getting angry at Glads, but she never touches a drink once there's sleeping draught in it."
I nodded, understanding. After years as an Auror, Mum is pretty good at knowing when something's been tampered with. It's easy enough for her to tell or make me to take something to sleep, but making the choice to take it yourself is like admitting defeat.
"Thank you for trying, Glads. I'll talk to her about it," I said.
Glads gave a little bow. "Very good, Sir."
"I'll be going up to bed as soon as I've drunk this," I said, raising the mug in my hand. "I'll bank the fire myself so you can go to bed now."
Glads bowed again and left.
As I stroked Suze's head and sipped my way through my steaming mug of hot chocolate, I contemplated my own self-centered nature. I tried to imagine Lily loving me back, building a life together, having a child, being sure of many future years of happiness together and then having it torn from me. Considering I had thought I was at the most acute level of misery this morning, and the excruciating pangs of loneliness and loss that I feel whenever I think about my father, I realized that I was not capable of coming even close to conceiving my mother's grief.
"Well that's a comforting thought to put one to sleep, isn't it Suze?" I asked the unconscious fur-ball.
Draining the last of my cup, I gently scooped the cat up into my arms like a baby and banked the fire. Already feeling the sleeping draught pulling at the corners of my mind, I trudged up the stairs, placed Suze on the foot of my bed, stripped down to my underwear and climbed into bed, asleep as soon as my head his the pillow.
o.0.o
When I woke up I was suffocating.
I flung my arms around wildly, smacking at an invisible attacker and lurching into a sitting position, not realizing I could breathe again until I'd swallowed several huge gasps. "What the bloody hell was that?" I asked, panting.
With a yowl as an answer Suze leapt up from the floor where I'd unceremoniously dumped her and dug her claws painfully into my thighs before leaping to the floor again and forcing her way out the door. I had forgotten Suze's favorite form of animal alarm clock. She wanted to go outside and here I was resolutely continuing to sleep without a care in the world.
"Of course," I muttered, slumping back onto my pillow. "Some people have nice, sane pets that stick a cold nose in their ear or nuzzle them when they want them to wake up. I have the homicidal pet who tries to smother me in my sleep." I looked at my watch and groaned. It was barely past eight in the morning.
Knowing I would never get back to sleep with my heart racing like it was—and that Suze would probably stage another attempt on my life if I tried—I forced myself out of bed.
I took my time showering and drying off though, knowing Suze was waiting impatiently for me to come downstairs. I continued to dawdle as I pulled clothes out of my trunk, I'd finish unpacking later in the day, but I took the time to put my three favorite pictures on my nightstand, the one of Toinette and Lily laughing, one of my father and mother taken a few years before their marriage, and one of me and the Marauders, laughing together in my own backyard.
Finally I tramped my way down the stairs and into the kitchen. Glads must have heard the water running because there was a heaping plate of eggs, bacon and toast waiting for me with a mug of peppermint tea and one of hot chocolate. I cringed at the peppermint and poured it down the sink. I only drank it at school because of Lily, but one winter I had insisted on having it with every meal in an attempt to force myself to like it—unsuccessfully I might add—and Glads had continued to provide me with it ever since. As there was no Lily within a hundred miles, I felt it was safe to forgo the tea.
As expected, Suze was waiting for me and immediately began to weave her way through my legs, making it impossible to walk. "Gerroff, you mangy beast!" I said as I scooped her up by the tummy with one foot and tossed her gently a few feet away, just enough that I could get to the door before she got her bearings and came after me again.
"Here you go, you ungrateful brat," I said, holding the door open for her. Suze scurried out into the garden, doubtlessly to hunt gnomes, though I doubt she'd have much luck on a day as cold as this one. Any garden gnome with a modicum of sense—which is admittedly relatively few of them—would be nestled deep in their cozy tunnels on a day like this. I'd be letting Suze back into the house in under an hour I bet myself.
As I tucked into my breakfast I wondered why Suze had come to wake me rather than Mum; she was the early riser of the family. Almost as soon as I thought it I noticed the small envelope leaning against my hot chocolate.
With a plunging feeling in my gut I opened the note, already knowing what it would say.
James,
I have to pop into the office for a bit, just to help out with a few things, nothing serious, but I don't know how long I'll be out. I know you're probably frustrated with me, but I promise I have all day tomorrow and the day after to be home with you.
I left some money on the mantle in the den next to the jar of floo powder. It's almost empty but there's still a bit left. Why don't you pop down to Diagon Alley and see if one of the boys or Toinette wants to join you for lunch or just to wander around for a bit?
I'll see you tonight.
Love,
Mum
I couldn't say I was surprised. Even before Dad died they'd both been work-aholics, I guess it came with the job description, but after she'd thrown herself into her work with a vengeance. At first I thought it was good for her, keeping her distracted from her greif—nobody wants to wander around their empty house being miserable—but the lines on her face that I'd attributed to our recent loss could just as easily come from her burdensome job.
I decided I may as well go to Diagon Alley; I didn't want to be in the empty house alone. I knew I'd have no luck getting anyone to join me so early so I decided to take stock of what else we were low on—knowing Mum, everything. She wasn't irresponsible, far from it in fact, but Mum never really got the knack of predicting when she'd need to buy replacements for things. Powerful dark wizards were one thing, but a quickly emptying bottle of salamander bile was another entirely.
Finishing my breakfast, I popped into the den for a quill and some parchment. Noting that we were almost out of both parchment and ink, I wrote that on the top of the sheet, followed by floo powder, smiling ironically to myself. "What would become of her if I didn't mother her?" I asked the empty room. "I suppose Glads would keep her alive."
First I checked under the sink for cleaning supplies, noting our complete lack of Mrs. Skower's All Purpose Cleaner. The shampoo bottle had felt a bit light during my shower too so I jotted that down for good measure.
The potions cabinet seemed well stocked enough but I wrote down a few things that looked like they'd run out before I was home again at the end of the year. I made my way back to the kitchen and let Suze back in—she'd lasted less than half an hour—and was pleased to see Glads enter, doubtlessly to take my breakfast plates away.
"Good morning, Master James," he said.
"Glads!" I enthused, thumping him on the back. "Just who I was hoping to see. Is there anything not on this list that we need?" I asked him.
He looked it over, furrowing his brow. "Not that Glads is knowing of, Sir," he answered.
"Thanks," I said, sitting at the table and thinking back to school. What did I need? Dress robes for one, for the ball Lily and I were supposed to plan. My own potion stores could use shoring up certainly, and I needed more handle polish for my Silver Arrow. I already had gifts for all my close friends—and Lily though I doubted I'd be giving it to her now—but I wanted to get something to supplement the midnight blue witches' hat I'd gotten for my mother, and I ought to get Glads something nice—maybe another pillow to add to his nest of pillows in the pantry.
We'd tried to give him a real bed but Glads insisted that he loved the pantry and genuinely seemed to sleep poorly when we made him move so eventually Da had said to just let him sleep where he wanted. Even so every few months or so we'd add something small to make his pantry more like a bedroom, a lamp one month, a large wooden box to house his pillows—not quite a bed but almost—the next.
Adding these items to the list, I left it on the table and went upstairs to unpack. Staring into the jumbled mess in my trunk that was all of my belongings, I sighed and got to work.
A few hours later all that remained in my trunk was a scattered collection of unmatched socks, broken quills and Chocolate Frog cards. Calling it a job well done, I brushed off my hands and stood, suddenly realizing how ravenous I was.
A pinch of floo dust—the last pinch I might add—and a few rapid spins later I was tumbling out of the central hearth in the Leaky Cauldron. Tom, the barkeep's son who had left Hogwarts several years before, chuckled at me as I scrambled to regain my balance before returning to clearing a table.
"Hiya Tom," I said coolly, pretending I hadn't almost ended up splayed out on the floor at his feet.
He nodded at me. "James."
I bounded up the steps to the private rooms and apartments two at a time, flew down the hallways and came to a grinding halt outside room 39. Catching my breath and stealing myself, I pulled a handful of picks from my pocket and went to work at the lock, silently cursing the remaining months until I turned 17. Regular muggle lock picks wouldn't have been able to open the door—at best they just wouldn't work, at worst they would set of an alarm and do something dramatic like turn white hot and melt all over my hands—but I'd specially enchanted these while at Hogwarts to evade such charms.
Another few seconds later, I heard the lock pop open. I waited, holding my breath but no noise came from the rooms within. Silently, I turned the knob and crept into the now familiar living room. I tiptoed across and with a bang, slammed the door to Sirius' bedroom open against the wall.
"ARGH!" With lots of flailing, my best friend sat up in bed, shirtless and panting, and to much of my horror, my cousin was next to him (thankfully not shirtless).
With a strangled cry I pulled the door closed again. "What the hell guys!" I called through the door, pacing across the room. "Are you trying to burn my eyeballs out of their sockets?" I'm not a prude, but I'd always felt a big brother like protectiveness of Toinette and I typically tried to just not think about her physical relationship with my Sirius to keep from wringing his neck. I imagine it would be a rather poor show of loyalty to murder your best friend in cold blood.
Sirius opened the door and yawned in my face, clearly over his scare. "Take it easy Prongs, you were the one who came barging in uninvited" he said, patting my shoulder. "Besides, we were just sleeping. This time," he added, raising his eyebrows suggestively and ducking the punch I swung at him.
Toinette came to the doorway behind him, pink cheeked and (I was glad to see) fully clothed, but seemingly as nonchalant as her boyfriend by her tone. "Really James," she said. "I couldn't sleep so I came over late last night and we just fell asleep. Please don't tell Mum though," she added, a note of panic entering her voice.
I chuckled to myself, thinking of my mother's uptight sister-in-law who was upset enough about her daughter dating a disowned, flying-motorcycle riding flirt, forget if she knew that that daughter had stayed the night. "What are you willing to do to buy my silence?" I asked. "Just warning you, I'm a natural chatterbox so it's gonna be pretty steep." My tone was light but in my gut I felt a twinge of jealousy of the easy comfort Sirius and Toinette had together. I was happy for my friend and cousin but they always made me lonely.
Toinette grinned, knowing I wouldn't ever rat her out, even if I'd caught her in a much more compromising situation. Suddenly she whipped her wand out of nowhere and wiggled it under my nose. "How about I don't jinx you into oblivion?" she asked. I glared, stumped. Toinette was four months older than me and as such, could use magic outside of Hogwarts, a fact she'd been lording over me ever since the sun rose on her 17th birthday.
I decided to go the sweet route. "Now, now," I said. "Is that any way to treat someone who had every intention of treating you to lunch?" I asked.
Sirius clapped me on the back. "Excellent! Just let me get dressed," he said.
Within five minutes the three of us were seated in a dusty corner of the bar downstairs, ordering our favorite foods. The bag my mother had left me had more than enough to pay for lunch as well as all the supplies I needed to buy.
"I'm glad you're feeling better already, Prongs," Sirius said as we waited for our food.
I stared at my hands. "Yeah, well…" I managed by way of a response. "I don't suppose you've talked to Lily about it?" I asked Toinette, looking up.
She smiled at me ruefully. "James you know I've said ages ago that I'm not going to become a messenger between you two," she said.
"Aw, come on Toinette," I whined. "We're not playing anymore, this is serious."
"Very true," Sirius said, one of the few times I ever remember him taking my side against Toinette. "We all know you want James and Lily to get together eventually so you might as well help it along a bit. And I'm sure Lily must have asked you if James was really sincere at some point and I find it very hard to believe you wouldn't immediately jump to his defense."
Toinette smiled and I thought we had her convinced for a moment but then she shook her head. "You're just going to have to wait for Lily to tell you what she thinks herself," she said with a smirk that made me sure she was keeping something from me.
Lucky for Toinette, the food arrived at that point and she was saved from further inquiry by the disgustingly huge appetites of teenaged boys.
The rest of the afternoon passed pleasantly, joking around and shopping in Diagon Alley. I found everything on my list, plus some owl treats for Charlie, Mother Higgins' Ship Rat Flavored cat treats for Suze, a book on broomstick designs of the future for me. As the sun was just starting to set we finished our hot fudge sundaes in Florean Fortesque's Ice Cream Parlor and said our goodbyes. Both Toinette and Sirius would be at my house for Christmas supper so it wasn't like it would be long before we saw each other again.
Mum was home when I arrived, a pleasant surprise, and she was delighted when she saw my purchases from the day. "James!" she fake scolded me. "Who's the mother here?"
I kissed her on the cheek. "Me," I said, bringing my personal purchases upstairs with me.
o.0.o
Christmas Eve at the Potter house was always a quiet, peaceful sort of day. After a light breakfast, Mum and I sat by the fire in the sitting room playing wizard's chess until it was time for lunch, throughout which Mum teased me thoroughly for losing all but one of four games. Pretending to be cross, I grumbled as I fetched my Silver Arrow and new bottle of polish and settled down to thoroughly rub down the broom. Mum smiled dotingly and curled up on the couch with Suze and the latest edition of Witch Weekly.
An hour later, I stood, stretched my cramped legs and announced that I was going for a quick ride.
Glancing out the window at the gray sky Mum said, "Not too long. It'll be dark soon and those clouds look nasty."
"I'll be fine," I said over my shoulder as I ran to get my warmest cloak and gloves from my room.
"I'll have something hot waiting for you when you get back," Mum said reluctantly.
Flying through our gardens and the woods beyond was a thrilling pleasure after being cooped up inside all day. Mum was right, it was bitingly cold, and the Quiddich Captain in me watched the dark clouds apprehensively, but the feel of my powerful broom racing beneath me and the frigid fingers of air whipping through my hair made be feel more at peace than I had in days.
For the first half hour I simply flew around in wide, swirling circles, my shoes skimming the tips of the leafless trees. Muggles were few and far between around Godric's Hollow and we were in a secluded enough part of the neighborhood that we never worried about detection. Once I tired of just flying I practiced Quiddich moves that truthfully were already drilled into my body as well as my mind. Rolling, diving and swerving, I practiced until I felt freezing specs burning my cheeks and I realized it had started to snow. Looking to the west I saw that by now I had passed at least two hours. Though I hated to go in I sensed the weariness in my muscles and knew Mum would worry if I took much longer. Allowing myself one last huge loop out over the trees, I touched back down lightly in our gardens.
I shook the worst of the snow out of my hair, it was coming down fast now, and barged into the house, calling as I went, "Mum! I'm back!" There was no answer from the nearby dining room or kitchens so I surmised she must be in the front of the house. "It was gorgeous, but you were right," I said as I walked, stripping off layers of thick winter clothes, "it's absolutely freezing out there."
I froze as I entered the sitting room. There was my mum, holding a steaming mug of tea with the promised mug of hot chocolate for me on the table next to her. But across from her—clutching her own mug of tea and as sickeningly pale as I was sure I must've been at that point—was Lily Evans.
"Uh—hi," I managed as the hand that wasn't holding my broom raced to my hair.
"Hi," Lily squeaked, her blanched face suddenly blushing a brilliant red.
"James!" Mum scolded. "Is that all you can manage when your friend came all this way to see you?" she asked.
I blushed too. "I'm sorry," I stammered. "It's wonderful to see you, Lily," I said. "Can I get you anything?"
"I'm all set, thanks," she said, lifting her mug a few inches in indication. We stared at each other as a very awkward silence descended over the room.
"Lily and I have been having such a lovely little chat while we waited for you," Mum said, standing up. "I'm going to go ask Glads to set a third seat for dinner tonight. You will stay for dinner, won't you Lily dear?" she asked.
"Oh, no, I couldn't!" Lily protested.
I felt my mother's sharp gaze on me but I couldn't tear my eyes away from the redhead in front of me. "No, you should stay, Lily," I said, a second too late. "It would be our pleasure to have you for dinner," I added quickly, knowing Mum would be glaring daggers at me all night if I was anything but the gracious host.
"Perfect," said Mum without waiting for Lily to answer. "I'll just pop over to the kitchen then while you two catch up."
"Are you sure you don't need help?" I asked, suddenly desperate not to be alone in the room with the girl in front of me.
"No, James," Mum said forcefully, a warning note in her tone. "I'm sure Glads and I can manage just fine."
Resigned, I slumped to the seat she had just vacated and busied myself with looking occupied with my mug of hot chocolate.
"Did you have a good journey?" I asked, for the sake of filling the silent room. My mind seemed to be several seconds behind reality, struggling to catch up.
A strangled noise came from Lily as she attempted to answer. I looked up, scared she was choking but she just looked like she couldn't remember how to make her tongue work. Well, at least I know I'm not the only extremely uncomfortable one here, I thought. So much for us being friends.
Clearing her throat, Lily tried again, the words rushing out, all in one breath. "Look, James, I know you must think I'm incredibly rude to barge in on you like this, especially on Christmas Eve," she said quickly. "I don't mean to intrude but I had to talk to you and I didn't want to write because an owl felt too impersonal and I couldn't wait two weeks for you to come back to the castle. One day was hard enough, not to mention the amount of damage not talking for weeks after a fight like that would do."
Damage to what? I couldn't help but wonder bitterly.
Lily paused, catching her breath, calculating what to say next. In spite of myself, I was drawn in the way I always am, watching her think. It reminded me of the way she looks when working on a particularly complicated essay or brewing one of the tougher potions Slughorn sets us when he's gone too long without a piece of crystallized pineapple.
Suddenly our eyes met and I saw a fierceness there that I'd never seen before. "What I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry," she said. "You were right, you are right. About everything, and I'm so sorry I wasn't willing to see that. I've been using you and hurting you and just generally being an awful person all year. You've done everything that I've asked you to and I paid you back by leading you on and insulting you rather than admit that I've started to fall for you too."
That's about when I stopped breathing.
"You changed a lot this year," she continued, still holding my gaze fiercely with her own. "I'm not vain enough to think that it was all for me, but I do know that it was at least in part for me. And I want you to know that I really have noticed. I've don't a shite job of showing it but I noticed and I appreciate it more than I can say.
"But until you finally called me out for playing with you, I never realized that for a long time I've been the one who didn't deserve you." She paused, and the room started to spin as though her voice was the only thing keeping me anchored down. "After we fought, I broke up with Ben. I won't pretend that I think that's enough to make up for the way I've treated you but I want you to know I'm trying to be the type of girl you deserve."
After holding my eyes with hers for several long seconds more, Lily finally allowed her gaze to drop to her lap. I knew she was waiting for me to say something but I couldn't find the words. Again, my mind was still sluggishly working its way through her speech, struggling to understand a concept that seemed as unlikely as Snivellus one day protecting my offspring: Lily cares about…me? No. No matter how much I'd hoped for that outcome it felt too sudden and perfect to be anything but a particularly torturous dream.
"I don't want to intrude on your holiday any more," Lily said to her hands, the confident, blazing woman I'd seen just a few moments before retreating. "I just wanted to tell you what I feel, and now I've done that, so I'm just gonna go," she said, standing up. "Please apologize to your mother but I really shouldn't stay." She bolted for the door, pulling on her jacket as she went.
I was hearing the front door open when I realized she was leaving.
"Bloody hell," I cursed myself and flew down the hallway, forgetting to close the door as I followed her out into the snow.
"Lily, wait!" I called, just as she was reaching the gate. "Wait!" I grabbed her shoulder and pulled her around to face me. I startled to see those gorgeous emerald eyes that I'd doodled so many times, never fully capturing their warmth and life, were now full of tears.
Gently, I wiped them away then tilted her chin up until she was forced to meet my eyes. "Please stay," I whispered, fascinated by the way her eyelashes caught snowflakes, making her eyes sparkle even brighter in the moonlight.
"That was probably the best apology I've ever heard in my life," I told her. "So I won't even attempt to apologize for losing my temper with you or for being such an arse for the majority of the past seven years. Can we call it even?"
Lily nodded, smiling tentatively, a gesture I returned with a huge grin of my own.
"Now," I continued, hoping she couldn't hear my heart racing in anticipation. "More importantly, at long last, Lily Evans, will you please do me the honor of finally going on a date with me?"
Letting out a strangled laugh through her tears, Lily threw her arms around my neck in a hug, my arms wrapping their way around her waist. "I thought you'd never ask," she said into my ear.
And that's when I kissed her.
o.0.o
I woke with a hazy feeling of bliss. I reached down and gently scratched the top of Suze's head, eliciting a rare purr from her, as I tried to recapture my dream before it slipped away.
It was about Lily, as my good dreams so often are. She came to visit me at home and we were in the sitting room, talking, which was strange because I was sure I'd never dreamt that before. I rolled onto my side, furrowing my brow as I tried to remember. Out of the corner of my eye I registered snow piled up on my windowsill.
Snow. Lily and I kissing in the snow.
Intermingled feelings of joy and anxiety swept through me as the 'dream' came back to me. But it wasn't a dream at all. Lily had come to see me, she'd told me that she cared about me too, and I'd kissed her. And she'd kissed me back and, I know I may sound cocky, but I'm pretty sure it was the best kiss in the history of kisses. If someone somehow knew all the kisses since the beginning of people and decided to rank them, this would have to be in the top ten. Easily.
After we'd had dinner, we trimmed the tree and we kept intentionally brushing each others hands when Mum wasn't looking, then with Mum's help I'd convinced her to stay…which meant she was here now! In my house!
I bolted out of bed and was halfway to the door when I realized I had no idea what I was doing. Glancing at my watch I saw that it wasn't even seven yet, and my knowledge of Lily informed me that without classes to go to Lily would not be awake for another hour at least. Glancing at my disheveled appearance in the mirror, I decided the least I could do was clean myself up before she woke.
I crept down the hallway and into the bathroom with a lack of sound any Marauder would be proud of. I decided to take a long shower to give myself time to relive the previous day. The guest bedroom had its own bathroom attached so I could take as long as I needed without inconveniencing Lily.
It's Christmas, I thought suddenly, stopping halfway through rubbing myself down with a bar of soap. I imagined telling a much younger James that he would one day wake up on Christmas morning so excited about some girl that he forgot about his favorite holiday and laughed to myself.
What would it be like to have Lily? To finally be able to say that I loved her every day without her freezing up or yelling at me? To tuck her hair behind her ear or hold her hand? To get to kiss her—albeit when Mum wasn't around? I tried to recall the easy friendship Lily and I had built this year so far, but I felt like an entirely different person possessing the knowledge that at least some portion of the love I felt for Lily was mutual. I could live forever on that knowledge.
Unable to wait any longer, I shut the water off and quickly dressed. I listened at Lily's door but I didn't hear anything so I assumed she was still sleeping. Returning to my room, I dug through the rubbish on the bottom of my trunk until I found an old antique silver mirror.
"Padfoot!" I called into it, trying to be relatively quiet. "Pads! C'mon mate, wake up!"
I faintly heard some banging on Sirius' side of the mirror and waited as his half asleep face came into focus. "Wazzamatter?" he mumbled.
"Nothing!" I said gleefully! "Nothing could ever be the matter again!"
I took the blank stare on Sirius' end to mean that he was waiting on tenterhooks for me to continue.
"Lily's here!" That got a start out of him. "She came to see me yesterday and she apologized for using me and said she'd just been scared to admit that she was starting to fall for me and then I asked her out and then she said yes and then I kissed her and SHE DIDN'T SLAP ME!"
I panted. Sirius stared at me in disbelief. "You're sure this wasn't another of your frighteningly-vivid, oh-so-perfect, must've-really-happened-in-another-life, Lily dreams?" he asked.
I shook my head, confident. "Nope. But you don't have to believe me, you can see for yourself when you come over for brunch later!" I tossed the mirror carelessly on my bed and floated down the stairs, retracing my steps to the sitting room to until everyone else woke up.
Sitting on the couch, making friends with a highly contented Suze, was Lily. I guess Mum was right about people you love always surprising you, I thought, wondering if pleasant dreams had woken her too. Her back was to the door and she didn't hear me enter so I stood still and watched her, considering that perhaps Sirius was right and that I was dreaming. But then, that would mean that it wasn't really Sirius who told me I was dreaming but my subconscious version of Sirius, and I didn't think my subconscious would be so cruel as to sew doubt into a few blessed minutes of happiness, however imaginary, meaning that I wasn't dreaming at all.
Lily looked like something on a Christmas card, the morning sunlight from the window making her hair gleam brilliantly against the dark green of the tree. I didn't want to disturb the beautiful moment so I backed out of the room and to the bottom of the stairs from which I made a point of walking loudly down the hallway so she would hear me coming.
This time when I entered Lily was looking up, expecting me.
"Hi," she said shyly, smiling.
"Hey," I answered, suddenly shy myself. "Happy Christmas!"
She grinned, "You too."
I circled to the front of the couch slowly, as though she were a timid animal I could frighten away. I realized it would take a while for me to adjust to the idea of Lily and I being together, to fully convince myself that this wasn't an extremely elaborate and elongated dream.
Sitting down, I reached over to stroke Lily's cheek and was relieved to feel her actually there and smiling at me, glad to be there. It seemed odd in some ways, to be so timid now after all the passion and excitement of finally being together the previous night, but also right somehow. Yes, we'd known each other for years and yes, we'd become very close in the previous few months, but this was uncharted territory. I'd dated a few girls at various times—I was a teenage boy after all, and obviously Lily had dated O'Leary and I assumed a muggle boy or two from home, but no girl I'd ever met even held a candle to what I felt for Lily, and given how much she'd opened up to me over the past for months as well as the night before, I don't think it's arrogance talking when I say that the way Lily felt for me was a new kind of animal too.
Almost as though she was reading my thoughts, Lily reached over and gently touched my face in return, a gesture that somehow managed to be both innocent and achingly sensual.
"I can't even begin to tell you how glad I am you came," I told her.
She grinned. "It's a pretty good choice from where I'm sitting too," she said. "Would've been a pretty lonely Christmas morning in the Head's Common Room."
I cringed at the memory of the last time we'd been there. "Sorry about the lamp," I said lamely. "And the side tables," I added.
"I thought we called it even last night?" she said, and I grinned in appreciation.
"Yeah, I think we did." I leaned over and kissed her, mesmerized again by the seeming impossibility of the moment, the softness of her lips and the silkiness of her hair and I ran my hand through it. Kissing Lily was so much better than even I could have imagined.
Finally we separated to breathe, but I kept my hand tangled in the hair at the back of her neck, holding her close. I was startled to feel her hands curled in my hair, doing the same thing. When had that happened? I wondered vaguely.
"Did I mention that I'm really glad you're here?" I asked, leaning my forehead against hers.
Lily chuckled, but it was a deeper, throatier laugh than I was used to, one I realized I'd never heard before. It sent shivers down my spine in a highly not unpleasant way. "You may have," she whispered. "But you're welcome to continue to do so as often as you choose."
I let out a huge laugh of joy and pulled her into my arms, standing up and twirling her around easily before placing her gently back on the ground and kissing her again. Maybe it was rash, maybe it was stupid, maybe I was risking losing everything, but I was so blindly happy in the moment that the words were out before I had a chance to second guess myself. "I love you, Lily Evans," I said, fiercely holding her gaze with my own.
I'd said it before, so many times that I doubt Lily could remember when I'd first confessed by love for her (I do, we were on the Hogwarts Express heading to Hogwarts for the first time and she'd just looked at me with disgust before walking away), but regardless of the number of times it felt like this was the first time I'd truly meant it because for the first time I wasn't trying to convince her of anything, just stating a fact.
What I wasn't expecting was her response.
"And I love you, James Potter," she said calmly, clearly, but very fully aware of the weight of that statement for me. All I could do was stare at her in response. She chuckled again, wrapping her arms around my waist and tucking her head beneath my chin, sighing contentedly. Instinctively I hugged her back and pulled us back down onto the couch, still speechless as Lily curled up in my lap, a much better cuddler than the thoroughly offended Suze who was glaring at us from the other end of the coach, clearly feeling abandoned.
"Still in shock?" Lily teased as I stroked her hair.
Somehow I managed to make my voice sound calm as I answered. "No, just trying to affix this moment exactly into my memory," I told her.
"We'll have more memories," Lily said comfortably. "If you haven't realized yet, I'm pretty stubborn once I've set my mind to something."
It was my turn to laugh. "Oh yes. I've noticed," I said. "I have six and a half years experience with your stubbornness. Does that mean it'll take me another six and a half years to get rid of you?" I joked.
"Hey!" Lily sat up in mock indignation, poking me in the ribs, rather painfully I might add. She made as if to get up but I just pulled her even closer, burying my face in her hair.
"Don't worry," I said. "I don't intend to let you go anywhere for much longer than six years."
Lily sighed dramatically. "Suits me," she said, twisting to peck me on the lips before settling back down into my arms. "I'm pretty comfortable at the moment."
We sat in contented silence for several minutes—and probably could have stayed there for hours—but we were interrupted by the sound of my mother descending the stairs. Jumping, Lily started to extricate herself from the tangle of my arms. I grumbled in annoyance but relinquished all but one hand which I kept wrapped in both of mine.
"Happy Christmas!" Mum said as she came in, smiling knowingly at our intertwined fingers.
"Happy Christmas, Mrs. Potter," Lily responded.
"Happy Christmas, Mum," I echoed, standing and giving Mum a hug.
"You kids been up long?" She asked.
"Just a few minutes longer than you," I answered evenly. "Can we open presents now?" I asked childishly. Lily chuckled and Mum responded in the affirmative.
The morning passed contentedly. Lily was truly at her best: charming and sweet and funny and everything that I love most about her. By the time everyone arrived later in the afternoon you would have thought that she was Mum's child rather than me. The easy way they related to one another was the best Christmas gift I could have gotten, and yes, I do realize how absurdly corny that sounds.
The next best not-a-real-'gift'-but-so-much-better Christmas gift I got was the looks on Sirius and Toinette's faces when they arrived to see Lily and I sitting together on the couch with our fingers intertwined. Despite our brief conversation in the morning, my best friend's jaw dropped almost to the floor when he saw us before he galloped over and pulled Lily into a back breaking hug, swinging her in a circle and declaring them family now. Toinette was much subtler. She beamed at me, shaking her head in wonderment and—once Sirius had relinquished his hold—gave Lily a much more civilized hug.
As I lay in my bed later that evening it occurred to me that I could quite happily spend every Christmas for the rest of my life like this one.
o.0.o
The days passed quickly over the remaining days of break. Mum went back to work only two days after Christmas, determined as always to bury herself in her career. For once, I didn't mind as it meant hours upon hours of spending time with Lily.
Lily in the snow was a marvel. I'd seen her and her friends on the grounds of Hogwarts many times through the years of course, but this was the first time she let me into her personal winter world. I'd always considered myself a summer child, reveling in the endless heat and long days of July and August, but Lily showed me how incredibly flawless and breathtaking the winter months could be.
We spent hours in the gardens, chasing one another around bushes and garden furniture, lobbing snowballs and laughing hysterically. I showed her the tree fort my father and I built together and she explained the concept of snow angels to me, some silly muggle tradition of flopping in the snow and rolling around a bit. If we tired we'd lie together in my hammock on the porch, huddled together against the cold and marveled at the glistening white branches of the trees that seemed to grasp yearningly at the clouds in the sky. When I finally couldn't take the cold anymore—Lily never once complained of the chill—we'd tromp our way indoors and curl by the fire, playing Exploding Snap and Wizards Chess or just sitting together, reading or chatting as we pleased.
Much to Glads initial displeasure, one of Lily's hobbies that I'd never known was baking. It took some cajoling and many promises to never intrude upon his cooking duties, but eventually Glads relinquished control of the kitchen to Lily's culinary talents. And we were all glad when he did. If Lily hadn't been a witch, there isn't a doubt in my mind she could have opened one of those fancy muggle bakeries and been wildly successful. She confessed once during one of her many disastrous attempts to teach me how to bake that she had often considered trying to open a wizarding bakery in Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley in the past, but that was before the war.
As perfect and peaceful as our days were, the war was always there, a nasty shadow lurking in a dark corner of the room. Naggingly present, but infuriatingly impossible to do anything about. Mum tried to be cheery when she came home at the end of each day but I knew her too well not to notice the bags under her eyes, however carefully concealed, and the haunted gaze she laid upon me when she thought I wasn't looking, a gaze that said all too clearly how worried she was for my future and how poorly the war effort was going.
It was in this happy yet grim atmosphere that we prepared for the annual Potter New Years party and one of Lily and my last days of break.
"Mrs. Potter," a massive vase of white pointsettias with Lily's voice said. "Where do you want these flowers?"
"That big one on the table in the foyer, please, and the rest wherever you think they'll look nice," Mum said without looking away from the faintly glowing vines she was conjuring to grow out of the wood of the staircase banister. "And Lily dear, how many times do I have to ask you to call me Elena?"
With a resounding thump, Lily deposited the vase on the table. Her face was beat red as she appeared from behind the flowers but she kept the embarrassment out of her voice as she retorted, "At least a few dozen more times, Mrs. Potter." Mum just chuckled as Lily moved to make her exit.
I grabbed her hand as she passed and pulled her abruptly into the dining room where I had been setting out stacks of plates and silverware for the buffet. Pressing Lily silently against the wall, I ran my nose up the side of her neck, inhaling that wonderful Lily-smell and smiling to myself when I heard the rapid increase in her heartbeat. "Have I ever told you how incredibly sexy you are when you blush?" I whispered into her ear.
"James, your mom is in the next room!" she whispered back in protest, but the shuddering of her body as I kissed my way along her jaw line and the weak and completely ineffectual shove she gave my chest gave away how little that protestation meant to her.
I pulled away just far enough to look into her eyes and press a finger to her lips. She held my gaze firmly until we heard Mum's footsteps receding towards the kitchen. "See? Nothing to worry about," I murmured as I resumed my thorough examination of the pale, soft skin of her neck, my hands slipping smoothly down her body to rest contentedly on her hips.
"You're incorrigible," Lily muttered back, but she arched her back into me, exposing more neck and once again contradicting her words with her body.
Same as every other day since Christmas, everywhere our body's met was fire. I'd been cautious with her in our blissful vacation together, always pulling back from kisses first so as not to push her away, but it became harder and harder every day as I continued to fall more deeply in love with this incredible girl who was now slipping her hands under my shirt to trace tantalizing patterns on the small of my back. When our lips finally met I had to place a hand on the wall next to her head to support the two of us as Lily's body melted into mine. Surely this was worth any amount of years of pursuit.
Eventually, breathlessly, we pulled apart, eyes dark with lust despite our gasps for air. I found myself wondering how any two people could possibly have so much passion between them. With a groan I rolled my body away so that I was leaning on the wall next to her, all contact broken except one hand wrapped in mine, in the hope that some distance would keep me from throwing her onto the dining room table and ripping every scrap of clothing off her body.
"Merlin, woman," I muttered in a ragged voice, turning my head to gaze at her disheveled profile. "You're bloody incredible."
"You're none to shabby yourself, Potter," Lily agreed grinning at me, and tugging my hand towards her for a chaste peck on the lips that would have turned into another full out snog if it weren't for the interruption of a chastising voice.
"If you two are quite finished, James still needs to set up the lights in the garden and they you both need to get changed before the guests begin arriving."
The red Lily had been a few minutes before couldn't hold a candle to the brilliant shade of magenta that immediately flushed her face as she turned gasping to look at my mother, who was trying very hard to maintain her stern facial expression. Despite her best efforts to extricate herself from my grip, I wrapped my arms firmly around her waist, her back to my chest.
"Aw, Mum," I whined over Lily's incoherent stuttering. "We were just taking a little break. You're working us like house elves." I ignored a skeptical grunt from the hall as a walking coat rack seemed to pass by. "No offence Glads," I called, chuckling.
Even Elena Potter couldn't hold her stoic expression at that and gave into the grin that had been tugging at her features. "Thirty minutes, James," she managed sternly. "You have thirty minutes to get those lights in the garden and then I want you upstairs doing something about that hair." I ran a hand through my hair defensively. She smiled affectionately at Lily. "You take your time with the flowers, Lily. You look lovely as is so you won't need as much work at that ruffian who claims to be my son."
"Thank you Mrs. Potter," Lily said to her shoes, clearly still embarrassed.
"Elena," Mum called over her shoulder as she turned and walked back to the kitchen.
I planted a light kiss on Lily's cheek. "Yup, that blush is as sexy as ever," I said.
"James," Lily whined, this time actually putting some effort into her attempts to break free and eventually succeeding. "That was absolutely mortifying!"
"Just imagine if she'd walked in two minutes earlier." And I left that comment hanging as I walked outside to conjure up some lights.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I was chatting with Abelotta Bungard, a fellow auror with Mum and a favorite to become Minister of Magic when Lily descended the stairs.
She had chosen to attend the party in muggle clothing, as a few other guests had done, but no one looked half as stunning as Lily in a fitted strapless gold dress that stopped just above her knees, and flaunted every curve of her body that my hands knew so well by now. Her hair had been pulled up into a knot high on the top of her head, showing off the elegant bones of her face, collar and shoulders. I excused myself from Abelotta to meet the love of my life at the foot of the staircase.
Lily smiled widely when she saw me and placed her hand in mine when I held it out, helping her down the last few steps. "You are easily the most beautiful woman in this room," I whispered, leaning in.
She opened her eyes wide in mock surprise. "What a coincidence, cause you're definitely the most handsome man," she said with a wink.
"Well that hurts, Lily flower," interrupted a familiar voice from behind us. "And here I thought we had real potential."
We turned eagerly to greet Sirius and Toinette, who was looking breathtaking as well in a shimmery silver dress that draped all the way to the floor, though I didn't like how loosely it hung over her bony hips.
"You been sneaking around behind my back, boy?" Toinette demanded, giving Sirius a vicious poke between the ribs.
Sirius grunted but managed to paste on a thoroughly unconvincing grin as he exclaimed in what was quite definitely not an inside voice, "I would never! How could you accuse me of such blasphemy, Toinette darling, my flower, my pearl, my divine goddess of pain!"
Toinette snorted at that last term of endearment, but gave him a forgiving peck nonetheless. "Come with me," she said to all three of us. "I snagged a few bottles of fire whiskey from the stash for the kids party."
"I guess that makes us kids," I murmured to Lily as I grasped her hand in mine and pulled her after Toinette and Sirius' retreating backs.
"When weren't we?"
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"So you really never heard of a snow angel before either?" Lily slurred at Sirius, pointing the mouth of a bottle of fire whiskey at him. "And here I though James just lived under some stupid rock."
Sirius shrugged. "Never!" he declared triumphantly. "But I'm gonna say that stupid rock is called magic though."
Lily blushed. "You at least have the excuse of not being in Muggle Studies with us," she conceded.
"That I do!" Sirius declared, raising his glass in the air. "To Muggle Studies!"
"Muggle Studies!" We all chorused.
"I know you've explained them to me a million times, Lily," Toinette commented, flopping down on the couch so that her head rested in Sirius' lap and spilling copious amounts of fire whiskey while she was at it. "But I still don't really get the point. Plus it just gets ruined when you stand up anyways."
"But that's just cause you're always too impatient to do it right!" Lily sputtered indignantly. "When you're finished you have to have someone pull you up so you don't step in the middle of your angel." She looked flabbergasted as we all continued to stare at her blankly. "Here, I'll show you. James, hold this," she said, thrusting her bottle of fire whiskey into my hands.
I grumbled as she crawled out of my embrace and into the middle of the room but it quickly fell away into stunned silence as the dignified, glorious creature I had been so mesmerized with as she descended the staircase plopped onto her back and began to flap her arms and legs in imaginary snow.
"So you go like this," Lily continued, unperturbed by the spectacle she was making of herself. "And when you're done," she froze. "You hold up your hands," her hands shot straight up towards the ceiling. "And you lock your knees as someone pulls you up." After a beat she snapped her head towards me with an expectant look.
"Oh, of course," I jumped unsteadily to me feet. "Someone. That'll be me, the ever obedient boy toy," I teased, but I grabbed the proffered hands anyways.
"James!" Lily exclaimed. "You're standing in my snow angel! Back up!"
The concept of someone standing in an imaginary snow angel was too much for Sirius and Toinette who erupted into laughter as I penitently stepped back and pulled her up to her feet, catching her when she stumbled.
Wrapping her arms firmly around my waist, Lily lifted her chin to look at my face. "I love you, James Potter," she said, matter of fact.
"I love you, Lily Evans," I answered evenly, amazed at how much meaning could be expressed in so few words.
I don't know how long we stood there, content to just stare at one another, but somewhere in the back of my mind I heard people counting down and realized it was almost midnight.
"Come on, guys!" Toinette exclaimed, grabbing my hand and tugging us outside, Sirius being dragged by her other arm. "The fireworks!"
They were already on seven when we got outside and stared expectantly up at the sky.
"SIX!"
I snaked an arm around Lily's waist, pulling her close to my side.
"FIVE!"
I grinned at Sirius as he similarly pulled Toinette into his chest.
"FOUR!"
We joined in the countdown, our intoxicated bellows drowning out the rest of the also fairly inebriated revelers.
"THREE!"
I wondered if I would ever feel as happy as I did in that moment with my friends and my love at my side.
"TWO!"
I decided that no, it quite definitely didn't get any better than this.
"ONE!"
Unable to help myself, I turned in to kiss Lily before the countdown had officially ended, sighing in satisfaction as she returned my kiss with equal vigor.
I didn't hear them say zero and I didn't notice the firework display shooting across the heavens, I was more than content with the perfect, redheaded woman in my arms.
Step 9 was utterly unnecessary.
A/N: Anyone else really excited for Christmas now?