Chapter 10

"Ruby, stop it! You are being unfair and you don't understand."

Julia and Ruby walked into Ettie's bedroom, frustrated with each other and continuing a discussion that was rapidly escalating into an Ogden-sister-style argument.

"You are right, I don't understand. If you love someone you want to be with them. You have a man who loves you and wants to be with you. Or don't you? What is the problem? Why not marry? Or has he decided that now you are damaged goods in some way and won't have you after all?" Ruby flung back.

Julia gasped and nearly slapped her sister. "Ruby, that's enough. I told you before when it comes to William I will not be pushed."

"Jules, you make this more complicated than it needs to be…"

"No, Ruby, you thoughtlessly simplify things. I truly loved Darcy, even if I was never passionately in love with him, and I am very sad he is dead. Dead because of William, and me. His estate is not even settled yet. James Gillies hasn't been punished yet, and I don't think I can feel safe until he's gone." Tears welled in her eyes. "You weren't there, you don't know what we went through, and I am not sure I am completely recovered from it." Julia choked, a sudden memory flashing forward. "And you may not be concerned about your own reputation but I am concerned about repairing mine and more importantly, William's."

Ruby scoffed. "Reputation? Really? That sounds pretty lame to me. You have already had a very public affair and everybody, including father by the way, assumes you are…" Ruby watched her sister's face, expecting her to blush or rage, and was quite surprised that neither happened. Instead Julia went very still, and it slowly dawned on Ruby why. "Oh, my goodness! He never did, did he?" She came around to look Julia in the face. "You never actually committed adultery. Knowing him he likely refused…" Ruby decided she was sad and disappointed for them if it was true. "William and you are still not…?" Ruby rushed on, unthinking.

"Ruby, that is private and I will not have this conversation with you," Julia nearly shouted and stood up, pacing the room frantically.

"Jules." Ruby reached out and caught her sister to stop her from moving away. "What are you really afraid of? The guilt? That after all you went through it won't have been worth it? That it will be too little, too late?"

Part of Julia's mind appreciated that she was not the only one in this very room who could function as a psychiatrist—Ruby's observations, while brutally delivered, were exceptionally on target. Julia had all of those thoughts at one time or another including fear that William no longer wanted her, or that their attraction had more to do with it being forbidden, but was not going to confirm any of that to her sister. "William has stood by me. He and I have an understanding…"

"Understanding of what? That you made a huge mistake and you both are paying a terrible price for it?"

Now Julia felt like she had been slapped. "William understands, even if you don't. He respects my decision. I am not ready to marry again, I can't even consider it until more things are settled…" Julia could find no words to continue, and willed herself not to cry. She was horrified and felt guilty that any man, even if it was James Gillies, would have to die in order for her to feel secure enough in this world to marry the man she deeply loved. That Darcy had to die…

Ruby came over to her sister and put her arms around her shoulders and hugged her tenderly. "Jules. One day you will have to realize that you did nothing wrong, that you have been plaguing yourself, and punishing yourself and William unnecessarily." Julia softened into the embrace and let some tears flow.

"Ruby, you push things right over the edge, don't you?" Julia was stung by Ruby's words and struggled to absorb the truth in them, but was feeling an odd release. "I don't know what else to say….I love him so much, more than I can possibly express. But I cannot marry him, at least not right now. I don't know when I will ever be ready." She paused, unable to go on.

"Jules, do you think William will wait forever?" Ruby said into the silence.

# # #

The Gentleman in William knew that eavesdropping was impolite, improper and a violation of trust. The Detective in him kept himself planted by the open window, hearing Julia and Ruby arguing in the room below. He could not pull himself away as his stomach churned. He thought he had been accurately assessing Julia's feelings, but realized now he was mistaken.

They recently found their old working-together rhythm again; he was always happiest then, and Julia had agreed that was also true for her. Not too long ago she was laughing in his arms at the beach and playing in the water with him-his heart had never been lighter. She had blushed but was receptive to his daring suggestion about swimming sans clothing in the dark (and might have if a corpse had not interrupted the moment.) Water made the fabric of their bathing costumes cling quite closely to their anatomy and he knew they both enjoyed the effects. She had slept by the lake with him all night, side by side, talking about the constellations overhead, sharing increasingly molten kisses. I have become a hypocrite, he chastised himself. I had intoned to George about my fixation on propriety, and not 24 hours later I was about to be ripe for arrest on charges of indecency and possibly fornication! After that wonderful night under the stars it seemed an impediment was lifted, which started off a new round of dreams about her and a determination in him to move on towards wedding plans.

A week ago he was planning a memorable proposal of marriage. Now he was glad he never got the chance to pull it off, because she would have turned him down! Having his proposal rejected, he knew, would devastate him. At least Julia said she loved me—that is something. Julia had never been quite this explicit with him before about all her feelings, and that was disconcerting to say the least….as was discovering that Ruby was so perspicacious.

He was remorseful for listening in. I am not sure what I am going to do about this, but it is proof the old adage is true: you never hear anything good by snooping on someone else's conversation. He unconsciously straightened his shoulders and adopted as neutral an expression as he could manage, all the while feeling quite sad and unsettled. He tried to put those emotions firmly aside but could not help questioning: I wonder how this will come back to haunt me?