Moving On

Warning: Taylor Swift songfic 'The Way I Loved You'

~/*\~

Those at my side are keeping me alive

~/*\~

BPOV

It's a quarter after one

I'm a little drunk

And I need you now

Said I wouldn't call

But I've lost all control

And I need you now

And I don't know how

I can do without

I just need you now

Yep. Story of my life.

On the plane ride back, all I did was cry. Jake had changed, he was harder, with only a reflection of the youth, of the innocence in his eyes. He'd seen too much of this world. Charlie had cried. Charlie. Stoic, calm, no-nonsense Charlie had cried.

So I cried, shed all the tears that weren't shed in that place.

The people in plane had guessed I had come from a funeral – black dress, a mess, and offered tissues, soothing drinks, and gave me their condolences via sympathetic looks.

But all I wanted, at that moment, was Jake. Jake, all smiles and sunshine, who could make me laugh no matter what, who could make the rain disappear. Who would hold me close, kiss my cheeks, and promise me that nothing bad was ever going to happen.

As soon as I landed, Annaliese and Hilary were there, tissues and chocolate in hand.

"Come on, sweet thing, let's get you home," Annie said, hugging my shoulders.

I nodded dumbly, and stumbled all the way to the car.

All the way back to the dorms was just tears. Hilary was crying with me. I have no idea why, but she just was.

What kind of world was I supposed to live in if Billy wasn't in it?

The Arizona sky didn't seem as blue, the desert not as bright. It seemed as if today, the world have stopped and mourned the passing of Billy. A little bit of the magic that I knew this world to possess seemed to have gone with him.

~/*\~

For a week after that, all I did was mourn. Not cry, but laugh a little too, over all the crazy things I remember Charlie telling me that he and Billy got up to, remembering all the stories that he told me, all the wise-cracks and knowing looks that he gave me – and Jake – over that summer.

~/*\~

It was a few weeks after that until I could finally speak to Matt. He looked dutifully crushed, but I'd seen it magnified multiple times over, so I didn't feel as guilty.

I still wasn't comfortable with it though.

He would stare at me mournfully at times.

One time I snapped at him.

"What? What do you want?" I demanded.

He looked at me, surprised. I never yelled.

He sighed. "Never mind."

"No, I'm minding. What the hell do you want? I was never yours! You have no right to look at me the way you do!"

"Fine, you wanna know what? I was falling for you! I was willing to wait for you to get yourself back together. Heck, I actually liked you! Why did you lead me on? Huh? Why did you if you had no intention of continuing it?"

"I didn't mean to! I was lonely!"

"And now you're not?"

"There's someone else!"

He stared at me for a full three seconds before taking my face and kissing me fiercely.

We finally broke for air, both our hearts racing.

"Nothing?"

I shook my head.

"Then tell me this, at least. What does he have that I don't?

I was crying when I replied "My heart."

He nodded, looking hurt but walked away nonetheless.

He still took me to parties, and still let me crash on his couch whenever I was too wasted to do anything but drool.

And he introduced me (finally) to his roommate Lance.

He is sensible

And so incredible

And all my single friend are jealous

"So, Bella, who's tall dark and handsome?" Annaliese asked, checking out my eye candy who had asked me out.

"Lance." I reply. And he was – tall about 6"1, dark hair and so handsome he could have been a vampire.

"So where you going?"

"Out," I told her, as I grabbed my bag.

"Partying?"

"No," he says, smiling, making Annie drool. "We're going for dinner than a movie."

"Traditionalist?" Annie whispered in my ear.

"Sensible," I whispered back.

She shook her head. "Incredible. Rhys leaves, Hilary gets back with Alex, and you get Mr awesome."

I winked at her. "Jealous much?"

He says everything

I need to hear

And it's like I

Couldn't ask for anything better

"Come on Bella, we have to leave now if we want to catch the movie."

"What movie?"

"Vampires Suck, I think." He answered, before helping me down the stairs. I know – I'm not invalid but I might as well be.

I smile up at him. "You know, you're exactly what I need right now," I tell him.

He smiles back. "That's good?"

"Couldn't ask for better."

He opens up my doors

And I get into his car

And he says

"You look beautiful tonight"

And I feel perfectly fine

"My lady," he says, shooting me a killer grin as he opens my door.

It's a Silver Audi Coupe. Standard issue. I picked up a bit from Jacob.

Lance breaks my reverie though.

"You look beautiful tonight," he says, smiling at my simple but stylish outfit. That Alice just had to give me.

And I'm fine.

I feel fine.

Perfectly fine.

Nothing could go wrong.

But I miss

Screaming and fighting and kissin' in the rain

It's 2AM and I'm cursing your name

So in love that you act insane

And that's the way I loved you

Breaking down and coming undone

It's a roller coaster kinda rush

And I never I could feel that much

And that's the way I loved you

But I didn't feel the spark when we brushed hands. This wasn't the first time we'd gone out. But we never kissed. I could hardly see us fighting and screaming at each other - he was far too agreeable.

But I missed that. I missed the screaming and fighting that Jake and I had done on our first 'real' date. I missed the kissing in the pouring, freezing rain that ended it.

I missed me cursing Jake at 2 in the morning because that's when he got me in, blushing, bruised lips, and Charlie looking like he could murder Jake.

He respects my space

And never makes me wait

And he does exactly what

He says he will

"A different boy?" Hilary asks as she stirred the coffee. "What happened to Lance?"

"Difference of opinions," I tell her. And it was truth. His opinion of me was too high, my opinion was of someone completely different.

"Well, what about this boy? What's his name? You two serious yet?"

"I met him when I was visiting mum. His name's Kyle."

"And?"

"And he's the perfect gentleman. He respects my space – understands that studies come first."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a dream boat. How about the dates?"

"Never makes me wait. Always takes me exactly where he says he does. No surprises."

He's close to my mother

Talks business with my father

He's charming and endearing

And I'm comfortable

"He sounds a bit… boring."

"He's very close to my mother. They're in like, a book group together or something. He's in the fish business, so naturally Charlie loves him even though they've never met. They can talk fish for hours. It's slightly…scary."

"Sounds wonderful. But?"

"But what? He's charming and funny and flirty. And he means what he says."

"Endearing."

"I'm comfortable with him"

"But do you even want comfortable?"

I didn't have an answer to that, so I just sipped my coffee.

But I miss

Screaming and fighting and kissin' in the rain

It's 2AM and I'm cursing your name

So in love that you act insane

And that's the way I loved you

Breaking down and coming undone

It's a roller coaster kinda rush

And I never I could feel that much

And that's the way I loved you

That truth was, I didn't want comfortable at all. I missed insane.

I missed Jake doing crazy insane things while I was cursing him. Like jumping in and out of my window, until we'd end up kissing for hours, just talking and laughing.

I missed feeling.

I missed me coming apart or breaking down in the middle of the kitchen, and Jake just holding me, understanding that I wasn't perfect, never wanting me to be perfect. Just wanting me to get back to being me.

I missed him so much.

He can't see the smile I'm faking

Cos my hearts not breaking

Cos I'm not feeling anything

At all

Kyle smiled at me, and I faked a smile back. Not that'd he'd notice.

We've been dating for months, and he still doesn't know my faking smile.

And, I don't care that I only use my 'fake' smile on him. My heart isn't going to break again, not over Kyle, not over a boy I don't really feel anything at all for.

"I gotta go now. I have a test in the morning," I told him. He kissed my cheek and I was off.

And you were wild and crazy

Just so frustrating

Intoxicating

Complicated

God I will my sole mistake

And I

I was crying without having any real reason, tears streaming down my cheeks.

I was missing the wild and crazy relationship I had with him. With Jake.

The frustrating relationship where he annoyed me so much I could punch him out and not feel guilty.

The intoxicating relationship, where we first had sex and couldn't keep our hands off each other forever afterwards.

And it was a complicated relationship. Even when Edward was back and I went to Jake when he was hunting, we still almost kissed, the hugs lasted longer than they should have, the hands lingered, his heat made me blush, everything about him brought back memories of that perfect summer.

God, my sole mistake was letting him go. Was leaving with someone I didn't really love.

I miss

Screaming and fighting and kissin' in the rain

It's 2AM and I'm cursing your name

So in love that you act insane

And that's the way I loved you

Breaking down and coming undone

It's a roller coaster kinda rush

And I never I could feel that much

And that's the way I loved you

I missed the rollercoaster rush that was our relationship. From being so completely angry at him, to the rush of relief and desire whenever he came back from a vampire fight.

I had never felt that with Edward. Never felt that with anyone. Not that deeply. Not that much.

Just him.

And that's the way I loved you

And it was still hurting, all of these things.

I rushed into the room, ignoring the looks of worry from the girls.

I had pain to deal with.

Oh, oh , oh

I braced myself, put on a smile and walked out. The phone rang just as I walked past.

"Hello?"

Silence. Another 'silent' phone call.

Just then, Hilary threw Elliot across the room. And I yelled at her.

I heard a noise at the other end.

"I'm sorry, hi? Anyone there?"

More silence.

And that's the way I loved you

Then,

"Bells," I gasped at the voice, but all I heard on the other end was the dial tone.

I was frozen.

How had he known? How had he known that I needed to hear his voice?

God, I missed him.

I missed the way I loved him.

I missed the fact that I couldn't love him anymore.

But that didn't surprise me.

That was the way I loved him.

Irrationally, crazily, frustratedly, passionately.

Irrevocably.

I loved him.

I love him.

"Bella? Bella you alright?"

Good ole Annie.

"Yeah, Annie, I'm fine."

"But?"

"I think I'm going to break up with Kyle," I whispered to her.

She nodded, understanding in her expression.

"Told you Annie! You owe me…25 bucks!" Hilary called across the room.

"You bet on me?" I shouted out indignantly. I didn't really mind though. I would have bet on me as well.

"Hey, I needed the money! Pay up, Southern Comfort!"

"I hate it when you call me that!"

"Precisely why I do. Now, my money?"

~/*\~

The first free Saturday we all had together, Annie, Hilary and I just lay on the grass in the middle of Campus, a bottle of Southern Comfort (Annie's, believe it or not) between us.

Annie was wearing her Levi jeans, telling us about her plans for her holiday that she was making Hilary and I delinquents about.

"I'm going to keep my heart open. I'm not going to look for a long-term relationship, just a week-long fling."

Hilary nodded. "Sounds good. We going to the beach?"

"Hey, me and you have plans, remember? Daytona Beach? Or Panama?"

"Where do you think I'm gonna have this fling?"

I laugh at their antics.

"Bella, what are your plans for our getaway?"

I shrugged and swigged the bottle, loving the fire as it crawled down the back of my throat.

"Well," Hilary began. "I'm going to try and save an animal while I'm there! Like in The Last Song, they saved turtles!"

"The Miley Cyrus one?" I choked out between laughs.

"Don't laugh. It was a sad movie!"

"Okay Super Girl, we won't laugh anymore. You obviously are gay for Miley Cyrus. That's fine with us." Annie laughed.

"Hey, she's hot!" Hilary said in protest, wiggling her eyebrows.

Me and Annie looked at each other and burst out laughing some more.

I honestly couldn't wait.

~/*\~

We didn't go. It actually rained, so we just ditched class and hung out in the city for ages.

"Hello?" Hilary greeted the phone chirpily. And loudly. I mean we were helping John – our across-the-hall-neighbour set up his TV. Well, Annie was helping. I was making a nuisance of myself.

"20 bucks!" I hollered to Annie. "Told ya she'd go evil Cheerleader!"

"Save the cheerleader, save the world!" Annie hollered back to me as she turned around and posed dramatically.

"Sure thing, just give me a minute," I hear Hilary tell the person.

"BELLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAA! PHOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNEE!" She bellows and I groan. Why did I have to be friends with the only girl in the whole of the city with a voice that could bring home the cows? From Australia?

"You didn't have to holler, I was only across the hall." I told her as I tried snatching the phone off her without any luck.

"Yeah, give me the gossip later. Someone tall dark and handsome is on the phone." She wiggled her eyebrows.

"How do you know he's tall dark and handsome?" I asked her, popping my hip and raising an eyebrow.

"Because. I'm psychotic."

"Don't you mean psychic?"

"That too. Here you are," She said, handing me the phone and skipping across the phone.

"Ohhhh ," She drawled.

"Oh God," I heard Annie mutter, making me laugh.

"Thanks. Hello, sorry about that. She's blonde."

"No need to apologize Bella. I'm sure we'd get on fine."

"QUIL?" I exclaimed. I was hallucinating. I must be hallucinating. Quil would not – never in a million years call me. Jake would whip his ass.

"I can hear you plenty fine. No need to shout." He chuckled.

I laughed. Trust Quil. "Sorry. I'm just surprised. Why are you calling so out of the blue?"

"Bella, I'm hurt. I need a reason to call you?"

"Well, seeing as you haven't called since…before college I'm guessing you have a reason." I loved how, even after so long and a whole lot of crap, Quil and I still had a teasing way of banter with each other.

"You cut me deep."

"Okay Quil, enough theatrics. What is it?" I needed gossip more than I needed anything else.

"It's about Jake," He began. Jake. Quil is calling about Jake.

"WHAT?" I screeched. He's dead. That would be the only reason why he'd call "He's not dead is he?" I tried not to hyperventilate. "He's alive? It wasn't a …visitor? Oh God Quil, if he's dead I'm coming up and kicking your sorry-"

"Bella, Bella, Bella. Calm down. Jake's fine. He's better now than when you saw him."

I sighed heavily. But then, "Thank God. Quil, what's happening? If he's not dead or dying…"

"That's why I'm calling. He's doing it again."

"What again?" I was confused. Good and proper. Quil was calling out of the blue. Jake wasn't dead but doing sort of behavioural tendency that he had while I must have been there.

"Living for you. Building his life. For you. Again."

I gasped slightly. Jake was living for me? Why? What hold could I possibly have over him? I mean, he didn't imprint on me, I left him for Edward – numerous times.

"So, I'm calling to ask, are you coming back? Ever? Because, as much as I love seeing Jake up and alive. I don't want him clinging onto a wish that will never come true."

"Quil, I can't answer that. Not yet." I felt tears well in my eyes. Quil was blunt as ever, but a little tact would be good here.

"Why the hell not? Bella, we all know that you don't plan a week in advance. You plan years. And I want to know, in three years time, will you be back. For Jake. I can't see him – hear him – being broke again." He was getting angry. That was getting me angry.

"So kick him while he's down now?"

"No. Just let him know so he doesn't wait around forever."

"And what if he imprints in those three years? Hmm? What will happen to me if I decide to come back? This 'building his life around you' crap works both ways." Shit, I wasn't supposed to say that much. It was truth, but still….

"Are you saying that you are?"

"I'm saying what if?" I needed security when it comes to Jake. I loved him – I loved everyone – blindly. I needed a little structure, a little security.

"Wanna make a pact? If you say that you are coming back, then I'll tell you if he imprints. Deal?"

My mouth hung open. 'Deal'? I was going to make a deal about my future with Quil? Fucking Quil?

"Ok." My traitorous mouth replied. It was truth though.

"So, are you coming back in three years?"

I had to think.

Think about what coming back would do to me, would do to Alice and Edward. Edward. I wouldn't have to see him again for a long time.

And so I whispered, just loud enough so he could hear: "Yes. I'll be there. Spring. Three years."

"See you then," He told me, and I could tell he was grinning.

"Quil?" I practically yelled.

"Yeah?"

"Don't tell anyone. I know you're still … hunting. We both don't know what super powers they may have. I don't want word getting around. Not to Jake. Not to the Cullen's." I pleaded with him. Jake cannot know about this. There was stuff that I had to tell him face-to-face. There were good-byes I had to make now.

"Are you still speaking with them?" Quil asked, with a tenderness in his voice I didn't know him to possess towards me, but I know who he was referring to. The Cullen's.

"Emmett – the big one – and Alice. Well, you know her. They come by every couple of months. Not Edward. I'm not going back to him." I told him, suppressing the urge to sigh.

"Bells, what happened?"

I breathed sharply as I felt a pain similar to being stabbed in my heart. "I'll tell you eventually. I have to tell Jake first." I told him tersely.

"But that's three years of waiting," He whined. Big baby

"Hardy damn ha." I mumbled.

"See you in three years," He told me as way of goodbye.

"Sure, sure."

"Bye Bells,"

"See you Quil."

I slumped down against the wall, and breathed back the tears.

Exactly fifteen seconds after I had calmed myself down the phone rang.

I knew exactly who it would be.

"Hello Alice," I greeted her.

"You're going to go to Forks, aren't you? After College, you're going back to the dog."

"My future disappeared that quickly, hey?" I attempted feebly to joke.

"Bella,"

"Yes, okay Alice?" I yelled. "Yes, I'm going back. Alice, he put me together, and for every small piece of me that Edward broke, he replaced with a little piece of himself. Alice, I gave him my heart! Every tattered, scarred, broken piece of it is his."

"What about Edward?"

"What about the bastard? Alice, he nearly killed me! The only thing that interested him about me in the first place was the fact that he had to kill me! Jacob only wanted me to get better. If I didn't sing for Edward, then none of this would have happened!"

"You wouldn't have had to go to the dog. You would have settled for a Mike Newton."

I knew she was right. But I was angry and sick and tired of being told who I had to love. "Alice I love him. If Carlisle wasn't…what he is, he never would have met Esme. Are you saying that he didn't deserve the chance? What about Jasper? Or Rosalie? Alice, you're being hypocritical."

"You just aren't seeing sense."

"Alice, I. Love. Him."

"You loved Edward as well."

"It takes trust to love someone."

"And you trust him?"

"Implicitly so. Alice, if you don't approve that's fine. But I love him. I'm going back to him."

"We can't see you once you do. You know that, right? We couldn't be sisters anymore."

I sighed. "Alice, honestly, I just trying to not break down right now. Keep the damn melodrama to yourself. If you like, we'll go shopping one last time before I leave. You can take me wherever you want. In fact, take me shopping for a week. We'll go to the fashion capitals of the world. Whatever it takes. But don't go guilt-tripping me."

"How about we go shopping for a weekend every couple of months? I take separation very hard you know," she said, giggling.

I wanted to put my hand through the phone and strangle her.

"Alice, so help me God,"

"It's alright, I get to help with the wedding. See you in two months!" She chirped and promptly hung up.

"Alice? Alice! Goddamn it! Alice!"

"Did she seriously just hang up on you?" Annie and Hilary asked in perfect synchronisation.

"Did you guys hear all of that?"

They both nodded. Complete synchronisation.

'Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn,"

"Bella, calm down sweetie. What was it all about? Can you talk about it?"

I shook my head. "There is stuff that you don't need to know, and stuff that isn't mine to tell. Any of you wanna go shopping with Alice instead of me? I hate shopping."

"Oh no, you set yourself up for that one. Good luck." They said – again with the synchronisation – before promptly leaving the room.

I grumbled and dialled the phone.

"Hello?"

"Emmett, get that crazy sister of yours under control before I have to strangle her with her own panty hose," I yelled before climbing into bed.

F

M

L

~/*\~

Alice took me to New York for our first 'shopping adventure' as she called it. Basically, I stood there and tried things on and held things while she decided what would work best with me.

That meant a very long stay in Victoria's Secret.

I tried reasoning with her on that – if I could keep the whole Vampire/Werewolf secret, then Victoria could keep hers.

She simply laughed, said Victoria had been the biggest blabber-mouth in the country and piled me up with frilly, lacy thongs.

FML

That occurred shortly before Christmas. For Christmas, Renee convinced me that she had everything under control, and Charlie convinced me that he was going to have it at Sue's with Leah and Seth, so I stayed on campus.

Of course, upon hearing this, Hilary and Annie just had to drop all their plans and stay with me.

Quil kept on calling throughout all of this…mayhem, and became my little informant of home.

He told me about the setting up for Christmas events – which usually involved decking the person who was hanging up decorations *cough cough* Seth *cough*, trying to strangle Leah with Tinsel, attempting – and failing – to drown Sam in snow, and walking around with ridiculous looking caps with little bits of mistletoe taped to them – well, for the single brothers anyway.

I sent Quil a Christmas gift early, so no one would suspect. It was a model Chevrolet Comara – a.k.a Bumblebee.

He told me he loved it.

Christmas in Arizona is very different to Christmas everywhere else. Mainly, everyone gets around in Santa-themed costumes and tries to drink as much tequila, vodka cruisers and full strength beer in on sitting without spilling it or getting alcohol poisoning.

Unsurprisingly, Annie won. Southern girls hold their liquor. I didn't even bother entering. But back in our rooms, we played 'I Never' closely followed by 'Truth or Dare'. Let me tell you, the drunker girls get, the hornier they get. In the end, dares were 'Kiss Annie for thirty seconds – tongue and all' or 'go and try and get an erection from a guy without touching him'

I did both. And succeeded.

Hilary has photographic evidence of the kiss. Annie has .22 in her purse. Needless to say, all evidence was eventually destroyed.

Christmas morning I was pleasantly surprised.

Apart from a raging hangover, I had a gift from Forks. It was wrapped in simple brown paper.

To Bells, the card said. Love from Jake.

I almost couldn't open it. But I did, while the girls were debating the necessity of having a sun.

Inside the brown wrapping paper was a beautifully carved wooden statue of a wolf. He was at attention, ear's pricked, eager look in his eye.

Beneath it it said 'Waiting for you. Always' And I shed one tear.

There was also a small bag. Inside of it was a small necklace pendant. It was a wolf head, looking calm but with a dangerous look in it's eye. I immediately though Sam's Jake. There was a small note attached.

A little protection where you need it most, Billy.

I grinned and cried at the same time. Trust Billy to get involved in a 'wolf themed' present even from the grave.

~/*\~

Before long, it was February. Time for another 'shopping adventure', but not before I sent Jake some Chocolates for Valentines.

This time, I convinced Alice to let Annie and Hilary come along. We went to Milan. Hilary fell in love with the city, and we had to drag her back to the airport, and Annie was convinced that Italian's were permanently horny.

"Just wait until we go to Paris!" Alice exclaimed.

I called Emmet while I was there. It reminded me of the time when he insisted that the Cullen family make Italian because my name was Bella.

According to him logic:

If your name is Italian you therefore must be Italian and therefore must love Italian food.

I laughed for so long until he finally hung up on me.

~/*\~

Spring Break. Annie and Hilary and I went to the beach for a week, like planned. They all stayed for an extra week while I done 'parent rounds' – starting with two days with Renee and baby Jack. He had grown so much and was talking and everything.

He called me 'Bub'. I thought it was very cute. I got lots of pictures.

I visited Forks. Unfortunately, the boys were doing 'a Tribal thing' Charlie explained, and so I ended up fishing with him as he explained how and when he was going to propose to Sue. They wouldn't get married until I was out of College.

He was going to move in with Sue once they were married (I secretly wondered if Sue knew about this) and I had the choice – did I want the house or could he sell it.

I told him to sell it. If (and it was 'if' for Charlie's sake) I moved back, I would get myself a smaller house.

My room smelled very strongly of Jake, but I didn't want to ask what that was all about.

I kept finding his shirts randomly throughout the house though.

And a pair of his boxers which I took with me.

If he had wanted them, he wouldn't have left them at Charlie's.

I wondered what he was doing with Charlie.

That thought led to bad, creepy thoughts and I immediately changed my mental image.

I found, surprisingly, that I missed the rain.

It poured torrentially when I was there, and I sat on the front porch, just listening to it and falling asleep.

Listening to rain had grown on me.

~/*\~

Sophomore Year was tougher then I imagined.

More classes, more homework, more assignments, less free time, less party time, less crazy time.

But somehow I managed to party every weekend.

With the help of Quil and Emily (via email) I found out about Emily's children, and about how Claire was 'going through a phase' as Quil put it gloomily.

I told him I'd visit him in the summer. He complained about that being too far away and I told him to harden up.

Living with a drama queen and a no-nonsense southerner does that to a person. Makes them a little less tolerant of some forms of behaviour.

Like whining.

I found I hated whining, even though I found myself doing it a lot.

This one time, Hilary actually hit me.

We both laughed so hard after it though that we didn't know what hit us.

~/*\~

Quil came up to visit once, during the one week of summer I stayed in Arizona.

He was under the 'visiting distant white family' excuse.

And, well, I was.

I took him to a party and had every girl drooling in seconds. Hilary was ready to pounce until I reminded her of her boyfriend – who was due back from exchange any moment.

Annie challenged him to a drinking game.

Everyone called it a tie, and I had some kudos points for having such awesome friends.

They three of them all sat up late and talked while I slept.

I woke up to Annie and Hilary still talking. Well, Quil talking. About Jake.

"This one time, Embry and I were all ready to go cliff-diving so we rock up to Jake's house, and what do we hear but-"

"QUIL!" I screamed. "SAY one more word and I'll NEUTER YOU!"

He gulped. It looked like I could actually do it.

"But that was the first sex story he told us," Hilary whined.

Annie slapped her up the back of the head.

"You idiot, now he's never gonna finish it."

"Your right he's not. Quil, get out of into the hall. We need to have words to each other." I told him, attempting a threatening tone.

He chuckled but complied.

"Girls, get some sleep. Believe me, if you want Quil to ever visit again…"

They were in the beds and sleeping before I'd even finished the sentence.

I smiled to myself and followed Quil out into the hall.

"What is it Bella? I mean, we've talked about pretty much everything…"

"How is he?" I asked him, leaning against the wall, staring at the floor.

He chuckled. "He's doing great, as I've told you. Hey, he's even gotten himself a house."

I look up at that. "He moved out of Billy's?"

"Yeah, Jared is moving – well moved – in with Kim."

I nod. "That's good."

He sighed and enveloped me with a hug.

"What is it really Bella."

"Quil I'm scared."

"Of what? Of Jake? Of Imprinting? Of Vampires?"

I shake my head. "Scared he won't love me."

"Honey, that's impossible. He's in love with you – always will be. You know how Charlie loved your mum so much that it's taken him, what, twenty odd year for him to move on?"

I nod.

"He's got it worse than that. Bella, you're all he's ever gonna see. He's so against imprinting that even if he did, it would be the equivalent of, I don't know, a trickle to a waterfall."

I sigh into his shirt. He smells a little like Jake. But nowhere as near as I'd like.

"Look Bella, I've gotta get going soon. And thanks, by the way."

"For what?"

"For hiding the ring while I was here. I really appreciate it."

"Quil, I didn't marry him."

He just stared at me then like I'd grown two heads and turned purple.

QUILPOV

That threw me right off.

"Quil?"

"Bella, why didn't you marry him?"

"Reasons. Quil, you won't tell him, will you?"

"Why the bloody hell not? Hell, I'm gonna throw a bonfire for you as soon as I get back!" I told her happily

"Quil! Because I didn't marry him, things happened. I'm not all me anymore, alright?"

"What do you mean? You're human, you're as pale as normal, same hair, same eyes. Same lack of height."

"Quil, look at my legs. Do you see any scars? Any bumps, lumps or bruises? How about my arms? Anything there either?"

I stared at her legs a little longer than necessary. "Nothing. Perfect."

No wonder Jake loves her.

"Quil, you know how clumsy I am. I used to have scars and bruises. I don't anymore!"

"Why not? If it's stressing you so much, just tell me!"

"I can't!"

"Why not?"

"Because you're not him! God Quil, do you think I honestly don't want to talk about it? Someone who knows everything? Who I don't have to give basic or ambiguous answers to because they can't know? Because it isn't my secret to tell? God, what I would have done for someone! But I can't tell you, because then you'll tell Jake and then he'll kill Edward, and then he'll feel bad because I'd feel bad and then everything would be messed up!"

"Bella, breathe," I advised. I've never known Bella to go off her head like that.

BPOV

"Quil, I need him to hear it all from me. He's the only one who understands! You've got it easy – you know who you're gonna love, who you're gonna end up with. Sam and Jared and Paul. Nothing will ever happen to you like this! Jake knows! Hell, I did it to him. He understands what it's like!"

I broke down sobbing then.

He held me, and didn't say a word.

"Quil, I need him." I told him.

"I know. He needs you as well. Believe you me, he needs you as well."

I sobbed a little more.

"Quil, he calls me sometimes. He usually hangs up, but sometimes he says my name. I know it's him."

Quil looked me in the eye then. "Bella, honey. He needs you more than you'll ever know. He's trying so hard to not hurt you even more."

"He sent me a Christmas present as well."

"What was it?"

"A wolf. And a necklace."

"Bella, he's trying to look after you. Look, Billy knew that you weren't with Eddie-poo before he left. Sue knew. Even Seth knew. Billy is trying to protect you, even from the grave. Just believe that Jake loves you. No matter silly things go around that silly head of yours, he will always love you. Three years, Bella. Well, two and a half. Then you can see him again. Can you hold on that long?"

I nodded, sort of.

He sighed and pulled out his wallet.

"Here. This is Jake and Matty just a few hours after he was born. Emily was crashing. Keep it, we all have extra copies hanging around."

I stared at it. He looked…happy. He looked his age. He didn't look so tired, and his hair was a little longer. He still seemed to radiate warmness and happiness wherever he was. Same russet skin, same almost-black eyes.

"Thank you Quil," I murmured.

He kissed my forehead.

"I gotta go Bells. See you later," And he was gone, leaving me with a photograph and memories of a summer of the perfect boy calling me 'Bells.'

After that summer, I promised myself I wouldn't cry. Not until I saw Jake again.

Annie saved me by going to Paris with Alice.

Hilary, in the meantime, convinced me to give blood.

Never again.

Once Annie came back, Hilary latched onto her – apparently she really was doing the whole 'Super Girl' thing for real.

It was slightly scary.

But she started playing her favourite songs in the park and donated 80% of her makings to some charity of another.

"Hilary, can we stop lugging around your moneys if you aren't going to share? I mean, I know you believe in all this 'Land rights for gay whales' green thing going on, but, seriously?" Alex grumbled one day as the three of us strolled through the park eating ice-cream while Alex – who volunteered – was carrying her violin case.

"Alex, if I've told you one I've told you a hundred time," she began.

Then, in perfect unison, the three of us girls repeated Hilary's mantra:

"Stand up for what you believe in, even if you stand alone."

Alex still grumbled all the way home.