Fear of the Thing Itself

Andy was shaking him violently, her hands on his shoulders. His glasses slid down his nose.

"You're going to be just fine, Harry, do you hear me? It's going to go swimmingly, you'll see."

"Andy, why…"

"No! I don't want to hear it! I want you to stay positive. Stay. Positive." She punctuated her words with particularly hard shakes. Andy's face was pale, her eyes wide in a sort of hysteria. Harry felt vaguely frightened.

Harry grabbed her by the shoulders too, shaking her back. "Andy, why are you shaking me?"

Andy stared at him, her mouth falling open slightly. "I-I don't know. I'm just so nervous for you. I'm nervous enough for the both of us, I think, so I don't want you to be nervous."

Harry smiled, patting her shoulders before dropping his hands. "Of course I'm going to be nervous, but honestly, I do think seeing you so worried has made me feel better. Or more sane at least."

Andy slapped his shoulder, "Hey, I just want it to go well, is all."

Harry bit his lip, looking down at his robes uncertainly. "And you're sure, very sure, that these robes are right for an interview?"

They were a dark green, almost a black, a nice material, the cut more sophisticated than the Hogwarts' robes, but not quite as nice as the robes he wore to the different funerals and award ceremonies. Andy nodded and reached forward, adjusting the collar, looking a little teary.

"If you think I'm overreacting now, you should have seen me before Dora's interview. She actually had to put a Petrificus Totalus on me so that I would stop attacking her hair with a wet brush."

Taking a deep breath, Harry gave Andy a nervous smile. "Thank you for not doing that. I promise it wouldn't make a difference with this mess anyway."

The clock chimed and Harry bent forward, taking Teddy's tiny waving fist in his hand for a second before letting go. "Wish me luck."

"Good luck, Harry. By the time you get back I'll have Teddy's play room all set up."

Harry took a pinch of floo powder and called for the Minister's office. The fire was a lighter green, almost a yellow. A smooth, calm voice asked for a password and his name, Harry supplying both before the fire turned green.

Harry turned into the fire, watching Andy's anxious face and Teddy's smiling one as he spun away.

"Ah, Harry! Very prompt, good, good." Kingsley was staring at him, his smile as easygoing as ever. Harry felt himself relax a little despite himself.

"Kingsley, I-I mean Minister Shacklebolt, how are you?"

"Very well, Harry. I'm excited to get this interview going. We're going to go the conference room just to the other side of the reception desk, if you'll follow me?"

They walked through the door, around the reception desk, David giving him an excited little wave as they walked past, knocking over his glass of water as he did so. Harry nodded back, feeling stiff.

They entered a new room dominated by large polished mahogany table and decorated much the same as the rest of the office. Across from the door sat Athenahold, Yamamoto and St. James, looking neater than the last time he had seen them, though still intimidating, all frowns and business like posture. They leaned towards each other, whispering, at his entrance.

Kingsley gestured to the seat in front of Harry and then joined the others on the other side of the table.

"Please state your name, age, and N.E.W.T. qualifications for the record, please." Athenahold nodded towards the quill standing on its tip, at the ready.

"Uh, Um, Harry Potter, seventeen, though I'll be turning eighteen in a few days time, in three days, and uh, I-I don't have any N.E.W.T qualifications."

Harry licked his lips and coughed. Exasperated with how nervous he felt, Harry made his shoulders relax. He took a deep breath and folded his hands neatly in front of him. This was just talking, not battling dark wizards.

"You don't have any N.E.W.T qualifications because you dropped out of Hogwarts after your sixth year, correct? I know it seems obvious, but please state for the record why you think that you are qualified for auror training without the required qualifications."

Harry took another deep breath, collecting his thoughts, calmer now, before answering. "Yes, I did drop out of Hogwarts because of unavoidable circumstances. But my magical education didn't stop when I dropped out. It took on a very practical element instead, while being on the run from Voldemort and his followers, a practical element that I think makes me more qualified than proving I know a lot of theory on a punch of test does."

All four of them stared at him in silence, their expression very even, almost blank. There was a long pause as they waited for the quill to catch up, it's scratching falling into silence after a minute.

"Could you explain what you consider to be the useful practical elements you learned and why you think they would be good for the aurors?"

Harry's mind flashed through endless hours in the forest, Hermione teaching him the protection spells, having to brew healing potions in a panic, crouched on the floor of the tent. "I know how to remain undetectable, know the disillusionment charm and various repelling, invisibility, and warding spells that can protect an area. I know how to brew a polyjuice potion as well. I know how to brew basic healing potions in a rush. I know how to repel dementors, I know how to fight in battle, under pressure, and though I didn't do my N.E.W.T.s I did receive an O in Defense Against the Dark Arts, having had to learn a lot of spell very quickly during my time in the Triwizard Tournament."

Harry stopped, his thoughts swirling into different directions, to all the spells he has used in different situations, the feeling of the sword being pushed through the top of the Basilisk's mouth, Draco Malfoy laying sprawled on the floor, blood pouring quickly, too quickly across the watery floor. The feeling of the Imperius Curse, the pure rage of casting the Cruciatus. Harry frowned and leaned forward, looking them all in the eye in turn. "But more than that, more than listing a bunch of spells at you, which can be learned later if I don't already know them anyway, is that I already know it. I know it too well, something that I'm sure all new aurors have to learn eventually. I know evil. I've seen it inside and out. I'm not surprised by the cruelty in the world. I know how evil thinks, been in its head for so many years. I may not know how to brew a, a Silent Steps potion, or know how to cast a very complicated shield, but I can learn how to do those. No, what I learned, that auror training or N.E.W.T.s can't teach you, only experience can, is how to fight evil. I know how to fight evil and that, that makes me qualified in ways that even the brightest, fresh new auror student could never be."

All four of them looked more pale, grave in the bright light of the conference room. The quill scratched on and on but no one looked away from the other, the atmosphere tense.

Yamamoto asked the next question as the quill slowed to a stop. "No one can deny your experience, but I think a more important question is, then, why an auror? If you already know evil, you know that this job is not easy, not something that most who know better are willing to walk into. So, why do you want to be an auror, Mr. Potter?"

"I want to help people." Harry opened his mouth to continue, but his brain ground to a halt. He wasn't sure how to describe his motivation, so new, to these people who didn't know him.

St. James frowned and shook his head. "That's good, but then why not a healer, or a teacher, why an auror specifically?"

Harry opened his mouth, but nothing came out. His palms started to sweat, his heart racing. "I-I…"

The four of them stared, the quill was still, waiting at attention. Athenahold's eyebrow slowly started to rise.

"I want to help people specifically by...by putting the bad guys away." Harry winced, realizing how lame that sounded. He leaned forward, resting his elbows against the table, trying to find the right words to explain himself with. "I...teaching and healing are great. I really respect those positions, but they are very...passive?" He glanced up at their stoic faces quickly before looking down. "I need to be in the thick of it, I think. Teaching, that seems to be before things happen, it informs people, helps them do whatever they are going to do. Healing, that happens after, when the dust settles and things need to be fixed. But protecting people, fighting people, it's in those moments when decisions need to be made, when action needs to be taken, that's where I feel...Not comfortable, obviously, but it seems to be where I find myself. I trust myself in those moments, I have to. So, when I think of how to best help people, being an Auror matches the closest."

The quill continued to scratch, but Athenahold didn't wait for it to catch up. "There are things we can do to help with your incredible fame, such as disguises while on patrol and so on, but I think it's important to know how you will handle it."

"How I'll handle it?"

"Yes, how will you handle all of the expectations, the fact that your teammates will be strange around you, at least at first, that your trainers might seem to be going easier or harder on you?"

Harry looked up at them again, more confident of his answer this time. "I'll just be myself. Really, fame isn't all that different than making a first impression, just all at once. I'll never not be famous, and that really irritates me. But my teammates, my trainers, they all, even if I wasn't famous, would treat me how they will anyway, right? I mean, say I didn't get along with my teammates, or say one trainer just liked me more than another does? It's all the same, even if you're not famous, isn't it? I'll just deal with it." Harry smiled a little, McGonagall's words coming out of his mouth with ease, "And I won't let fame or expectations stop me from being who I am."

Yamamoto sat back in his chair with a sigh. "It will be easier said than done."

Harry shrugged, "Everything is."

"That will complete the first round of interviews, Mr. Potter." The quill fell with a small clink against the table.

Kingsley spoke for the first time since entering the room. "We will have a talk in here for a few minutes, Harry, and then will let you know what we think and what the next steps are. If you will wait just a little while in the waiting room, we will call you in shortly."

Harry stood awkwardly and exited. David was not at his desk, making Harry give a relieved sigh as he sat on the stiff, uncomfortable couch.

Before Harry could reach for the newspaper, John St. James entered the room, closing the door softly behind him. He sat with a huff next to Harry. Looking at him more closely, with his posture relaxed, Harry realized that St. James was actually quite young, maybe only ten years older than him.

"That was the strangest, most intense interview I've ever been part of." St. James gave him a small grin, considering him. "I'm out here because you are obviously in, but they still need to sort out some details that I don't necessarily help out with."

"I'm in?" Harry's voice was strangely high.

St. James nodded easily. "Yeah, unless you fail a physical or something, but that seems unlikely."

Harry sat forward smiling, but St. James frowned, his eyes glancing to Harry's face every few seconds. He seemed to be gathering the courage to say something. "You...You seem like a nice fellow, Harry. Kind of...shy, or, I don't know, exactly. But when I met you that first time, I was surprised. I think I expected a big ego and, I don't know exactly, I guess a large presence? But you give off an unassuming vibe, and I like that, but I was...It was just hard to put you and the Chosen One, the Defeater of Voldemort, into the same category in my brain. But, in there, when you were talking about evil, you really did sound like the senior aurors. You, you were just...really intense and in that moment I felt it, who you are, what you did. Honestly, all of us felt like ponces even making you go through these steps, the interview and everything, but now I'm glad we did it. I feel like I know you better now or at least, see you more clearly."

Harry looked at St. James' open face, saw the admiration there, not wild eyed or fanatical, but grounded, and felt, maybe for the first time since defeating Voldemort, proud of himself for it.

Harry spun out of the fire into his living room and blinked. Ginny, Mrs. Weasley, Andy and Teddy were all sitting on the newly purchased sofas, talking, Teddy gurgling in Ginny's lap. They immediately stood when he stepped out of the fireplace. Ginny, Teddy still in her arms, stepped forward quickly. "How did it go?"

Harry beamed around at them all, "I start in September, that's when the next training round begins."

Ginny smiled hugely, stepping forward to hug Harry with one arm, Teddy giggling between them. Mrs. Weasley gasped, clasping her hands together and moved forward, patting him on the arm, saying, "Oh, lovely, how lovely, I'm very pleased. I'll have to tell Arthur and all the children. I do hope you'll be safe though dear. Oh who am I kidding, you were never careful anyway..."

Andy smiled a strange, soft smile behind the Weasley women, her expression both pleased and sad. "I'm very happy for you, Harry. I...I hope you stay safe, too."

"Thanks everybody, I'll try not to do anything crazier than I usually do."

All three women scoffed. Harry grinned. "Now, with that all out of the way, I want to see what you did upstairs."

"I'll show you, Teddy needs to put down for his nap anyway." Ginny gave Harry a significant look, glancing back at the two women behind her.

Harry nodded, following Ginny up the stairs, Andy and Molly looking towards different corners of the room as they rounded the corner into the now sunny and open play room.

"Wow, this looks great!" Harry walked around the room as Ginny put Teddy down, tapping her wand against the mobile of stuffed dragons above it. There were many brightly colored toys in baskets, a rocking chair, a nice soft carpet, a small bookshelf filled with books big and small, their spines bright colors. Beneath the window as a very comfortable looking window seat which Harry sat on with a happy sigh.

"Are you sure it's a good idea to leave them downstairs alone? Not that I think that either of them will start a fight or something, but still…"

Ginny shook her head, sitting next to Harry, leaning lightly against the glass. "It's awkward, but they are both going to be involved in our lives from here on out, so they will need to work out how to talk to each other without that elephant in the room."

Harry smiled down at her, her face against the soft warm light of the evening sun, her hair darker in the shadows. Unable to stop himself, he leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss against her lips. Moving slowly, their kisses deepened further, their hands roaming. Harry moved his hands up her back, under her shirt, under the back of her bra. Ginny, laughing, pulled away. "Harry, Teddy is sleeping feet away and there are two very powerful, very maternal witches downstairs."

Sighing, Harry rested his forehead against hers. He felt happy, so complete in a way that he hadn't in such a long time, if ever. He couldn't look away from her. If a dementor stood next to him right now, he doubted it would be able to do a thing, patronus or no. "I love you."

Ginny, smiling, kissed the corner of his mouth. "I love you too. Now stop looking at me like that or we are both going to get into trouble."

Harry kissed her cheek, then her ear, moving down to her neck, "You know me, I like trouble."

Ginny sighed, her hands on his shoulders. Eventually she moved him away, just slightly, "Harry…"

Grinning, he pulled away from her, "Fine, fine…"

"It's awfully, suspiciously, quiet up there, you two." Mrs. Weasley yelled, her voice amused. "Come down now, I've made dinner."

"Yeah, quit snogging and come down, it looks delicious." Andy's voice followed, both women laughing as they moved away from the stairs, apparently getting along fine.

Taking Ginny's hand he went downstairs, so happy, so content, he wondered if he was dreaming.

His dreams turned out to be less sunny than his day.

Cedric was resting against the wall of the castle, next to the charms classroom, decomposing. When he spoke, his skin rippled sickeningly, his eyes so sunken into his head they were almost gone.

"You think that you're going to grow old with her don't you? You picture that play room being used again and again but with your own red haired children don't you? Will, don't count on it. I curse you, Harry Potter. Kill the spare, Kill the spare. Why should you get to be happy?"

Harry backed down the hallway, feeling nauseous, scared, and so sorry he wasn't sure if it was vomit or a sob building in his throat. He rounded the corner, out of Cedric's painful gaze, and was suddenly in the great hall. Lavender and Colin were sitting the middle, playing patty cake, the sounds of their hands slapping together echoing in the otherwise empty hall. Colin was a ghost, Lavender an inferi, her gaze empty, her chest and face still oozing blood from Greyback's wounds. Colin looked over at him, his expression cold, so odd looking on Colin's warm face. "Oh, did you like our game? Do you imagine Teddy and your future kids playing it? Lavender and I wanted to play it, see, because we're still kids. We're dead kids, isn't it sad? And why did we die? Because you didn't move fast enough. You could have gone out to the woods sooner, could have figured everything out sooner, but no, instead you waited and waited, until we had to fight, until we died." He started crying, ghostly tears rolling down his cheeks, disappearing into his silver clothing. "My poor brother, he admired you almost as much as I did."

Suddenly Sirius was next to him, looking as he use to in old photos, full of life, a second away from barking his laugh loudly into the air. Smiling he looked down at Harry, "You thought if you took down my stuff, redecorated my house, you would be able to move on? Harry, Harry, Harry, see, you can paint as many rooms as you want, kiss her as many times as she'll let you but…" Sirius stepped back, standing next to Lavender and Colin, the great hall shaking violently, suddenly falling back into chaos, bodies everywhere, fire, dust, looking exactly as it had during the final battle. "We will always be here."

Harry woke up gasping and sweating. He rolled out of bed and out into the hallway, staggering. His stomach rolled and rolled. He stood on the landing shaking, deciding whether he needed to go to the bathroom to throw up or go down to the kitchen for some tea. Eventually his stomach stopped rolling so much, so, still shaking, he made his way to the kitchen.

He sat in the hard wooden seat and shivered as his sweat dried, the tea warm in his hands. He knew what to do calm down from nightmares, the process of it habit now, almost boring, like doing dishes or laundry. But this one would require some more thinking on his part.

Did he deserve to be happy?

The answer, a firm no, echoed throughout his brain, landing softly in his heart. No, he didn't.

Harry put his head against the table, blinking back tears. So, what was he suppose to do? Live miserably, dump Ginny, destroy the house, never see his loved ones again?

Another no, just as firm, moved from his heart into his brain, and wedged itself there.

Harry sighed. So, he couldn't just move on, forget the horror his stupidity and inaction had caused, but he couldn't not live, not make the people in his life happy.

What could he do?

Aurors. The answer came to him from a dark, still sleepy corner of his mind. You've joined the aurors. You might not be able to save those already dead, but if you save enough people…

Harry sat straight, taking a longer, but still shaky sip of tea. He'll just have to do better in the future. Maybe he could find redemption in being an auror. He would never lose the responsibility of those deaths, but maybe, one day, the ghosts in his head would forgive him if he saved as many people as he could. He would deserve happiness then, perhaps. In the meantime, he would just be grateful for it, try to remember that his life was a fluke and be grateful for it.

A/N Thanks again for all the lovely reviews, favorites, and follows. Flutter360 pointed out to me that I was recommended on Read-A-Hinny, also known as Better than Firewhiskey, which I found really nice. I look at that tumblr all the time when I'm craving a Hinny, so I was really flattered.