A/N: Two more chapters posted! yay! Keep reviewing! I love you all!
Chapter 10
I heard a knocking noise. Groaning, I opened my eyes and looked up, my face feeling a little soggy. My body slowly gave me control. When I looked at the clock, I freaked.
I freaked out even more when Dimitri's voice was calling me from the other side of the door. "Rose? Are you in there? Rose, answer me." His concern for me made his voice shake. Thankfully, I found my voice in time before he busted the door down.
"I'm coming," I cried out weakly. The ground moved in circles beneath me. Realizing my hand was smothered in blood, I quickly put on an oversized sweatshirt to obscure my hands. Stumbling drunkenly to the door, I tried to clear my head and swung the door open. Dimitri looked worried, but his expression immediately switched to shock. "I'm so sorry, Dimitri," I said honestly. "I did not sleep well and—"
His hand gently touched my cheek, his expression distraught. "Roza, why is there blood on the side of your face?" His eyes penetrated mine with worry and concern. He almost looked…scared.
I shook my head. "Nothing. Just an accident I forgot to clean up." My hand tingled with a numb pain. I squeezed my hand just a little and felt the blood swish around within my makeshift bandage. I winced at the feeling. Knowing I had bled that much squicked me out. Dimitri gently pushed me aside and opened the door to let himself in. Sad to say, not even the dark carpet could disguise the pools of blood all over the floor.
He stood in front of the biggest pool, located in front of my desk. I racked my brain for excuses or for some practical explanation for why the carpet was replete with my blood. "Oh, I accidentally lost control over myself earlier and took a pair of scissors so I could cut myself," didn't sound like a good explanation to me.
He abruptly turned to examine me. "Where are you hurt?" Taking a handkerchief from his pocket and started to wipe the blood off my cheek to check for cuts. I waved my hand for him to stop. He didn't. "What were you doing?" I could feel my cheek getting irritated from the rubbing.
I thought about telling him the truth, but the tension was just too high to pass up a good joke. I snickered and Dimitri looked at me curiously. "I got bored, so I did a reenactment of world war one." He glared at me. He reached for my hand but I pulled away…a little too quickly. I stumbled backwards a little bit. Apparently, the blood wouldn't clot and continued to flow relentlessly. Dimitri caught the wrong hand.
He caught a glimpse of the carelessly wrapped gauze. Keeping his eyes on my hand, he told me, "Sit down." I sat down on the bed. He carefully unwrapped the gauze. When he got down to the bandage, a little more blood leaked out from under. It became very hard to stay conscious. He removed the bandage and sighed. "Roza," he breathed and looked at me. "Did you cut yourself?" You could tell he meant, "on purpose."
I smiled lazily. "In world war one, they used swords," I shrugged. Dimitri took a firm hold of my shoulders.
"Rose," he said in a firm tone. "Tell me what happened." He looked down. His hands were covered in blood now. He gaped at the gash. "How long has it been bleeding like this?" My eyes started drooping, and his words sounded garbled to me. He put his hands on my cheeks. "Rose," I rested my head in his hand, too tired to keep it up.
"I don't really," deep breath, "remember." Wow, I must've lost a lot of blood. Every thought became so fuzzy. Dimitri muttered something in Russian. "Just hold me." Missing him was about as much as I could remember. He did as I asked. I rested my head against his shoulder and let my eyes closed. His arms lifted me from the bed and I felt him start walking. "What are you doing?" One word slurred into the next.
"I'm taking to the infirmary; you are going to need stitches. Don't go to sleep just yet." He sounded so upset. I felt heavier with guilt.
"I'm sorry." I apologized, my voice sounded tight. His steps echoed on the staircase. My body juggled a little until we reached the main floor.
"Don't say that. Just stay awake for me, okay? Don't close your eyes just yet." His frantic and panicked tone didn't help me keep my eyes open. All the blood loss came crashing down on me and I let my eyes close, letting myself sink into a peaceful oblivion.
…
My head felt so heavy, and my hand felt warm and wrapped up in something. A hand, I figured, most likely Dimitri's. The warmth gave me energy to wake up. I found myself looking into Lissa's green eyes. She smiled a little bit, and I knew she'd healed my hand.
"I thought self-mutilation was my thing," she joked, but sadness seeped into her voice. I shook my head furiously, making me a little dizzy.
"This is totally not what it looks like, Liss. No matter what Dimitri said, it's not what it looks like. I just had a little accident with my scissors." Her sad smile told me she didn't buy the story. To be honest to myself, I didn't sound too convincing. But I could, under no circumstances, tell her what really happened. Maybe—not too likely—but maybe, I could tell Dimitri. He could probably fix it, but I'm not fully one-hundred percent sure on that one.
Speak of the devil; he walked into the room before Lissa could deny anything I said. He was still wearing the sweats that he normally wore to our practice sessions and a t-shirt with his comfortable tennis shoes. His hair looked a little messy, and his eyes were full of worry and concern. I smiled, and he gave a small one in return. "Hey," I said.
"Rose," oh. I totally forgot to tell him Lissa knew…oh well. That can wait for another time. He turned to Lissa for a second. "Could you excuse us for a moment, Lissa?" He asked her. "I need to speak to her for a moment, alone." She nodded.
"I'll talk with you later," she said. Then, in my head, she told me, you are such a terrible liar. If anyone is going to get the truth out of you, it's Dimitri. Sadly, she couldn't have been more right. She walked out of the room, leaving me alone with Dimitri. Wasn't that what I was literally dying for earlier? He sat where Lissa had moments ago and looked at my hand. There was no evidence of the gash that made me loose so much blood and caused me to black out.
"Would you like to explain why the maid is cleaning up a pool of blood in your room?" I stayed silent, trying to figure out how to phrase my thoughts without freaking him out. He took my silence as a no. "Roza," he said softly, making me look at him. His eyes were so soft, "Why did you do this? I was terrified for you when I saw all that blood. You have no idea. Tell me what happened." His voice shook, and as Lissa predicted, I spilled.
"I lost control again," I admitted shamefully. "Lissa's dream woke me up, well, I take that back. I tried to keep awake so I wouldn't have to deal with it, but I fell asleep. Lissa's dream made me wake up, and—oh, God, Dimitri, I had never felt so empty and alone in my life—I just freaked. I felt like I was going to explode, and I couldn't figure out what to do." My tone sounded so helpless. "Before I even knew what I was doing, I picked up the pair of scissors and," I winced, so did Dimitri. "But after I looked at what I'd done, I snapped out of it."
He stared into my eyes for a couple of moments, trying to figure me out. "Are you sure they are dreams that she's having?" I kept my face blank, but really, I was shocked. There is no way in hell he could've seen through that lie. If Dimitri could see through that lie, then I'm screwed.
"What else could it be? It couldn't really be going on because of our tight dorm security. It's physically impossible for Ch—her dreams to be real." I hoped I'd covered up my slip well, but I sincerely doubted it.
Dimitri looked at me skeptically, but mercifully let it go. He closed his eyes and sighed. "Do you think there is anything that could help?"
I smiled mischievously and got up, glad to find I was still in my clothes—well, pajamas; blood stained sweatshirt and all. Dimitri stood up, too. "I could think of many things that could help," I told him. He looked at me determined. That expression would change quickly. I lowered my voice so no one else could hear, "none of which are allowed at this academy due to a fine line drawn between student and teacher." I heard Dr. Olendzki on the other side of the wall. When she walked into the room, she didn't notice anything.
"Good, you're up." She looked from her papers then to me again. She removed her glasses. "How is it possible that three days that you wake up from a coma—in my care, nonetheless—that you end up in here again? Just so you know, you don't have to hurt yourself to come and visit me." She walked over to me and grabbed my hand. Just as quickly, she let go. "Apparently, Lissa has been here," she mumbled.
I smiled at her. "Yeah, she kind of did that before I woke up about fifteen minutes ago. Sorry, she beat you to the punch."
She frowned. "I'm actually glad she healed you. That cut you gave yourself was bad. We were preparing stitches for you, and you've lost a lot of blood. Speaking of which, why are you out of bed?" She pointed to the empty bed. "You're still dehydrated. You need sugar to get your strength back." I immediately started making routes for escape.
"I'm fine," I told her. "I'm healthy as a horse. I just had a little mishap, never to happen again, I assure you. Besides, I can't miss anymore classes. That guy over there made sure of it," I pointed over to where Dimitri stood. He glared, but I could see the amusement in his eyes. "So if you don't mind, I'm going to ditch the pajamas and go get changed." I started walking out the door. Then to Dimitri, "Sorry about practice."
My bare feet smacked against the ground as I ran back to my dorm. Thankfully, the maid had already cleaned up the mess, though my crude weapon still rested on top of my desk. I didn't dare touch it. I had just slipped on my clothes when there was a knock at the door. "Come in," I called. In stepped Dimitri. He closed the door behind him. I collected all my books, making a huge effort to ignore him so I didn't start anything.
"Rose," his voice careful.
"Hm?" I started to tie my shoes. When I stood up, Dimitri stared at me intently. I got a little defensive when I saw the look on his face that read, "Don't hate me, but I have an idea." "Uh, oh. I really don't like that look on your face," I tried sneaking over to the door.
He stepped in front of me. "Rose, do you need to start seeing a therapist again?" He looked dead serious.
My anger started to pent up. "Therapy doesn't do shit for me. If you make me go to therapy I'll really go nuts. Just to give you some perspective; remember the night of the dance I totally snapped on Mia?" He nodded carefully. "Well, that was when I was sane and angry. Now remember when I went all psycho a couple months ago?" His expression darkened. "Imagine that with no restraint. Oh what glorious chaos! So, no, Comrade. I absolutely refuse to see a shrink." I crossed my arms in defiance.
He looked slightly annoyed. "I thought we'd already established that the name was banned?"
I shook my head furiously. "No. No therapy, I'm completely fine…besides the 'Lissa is driving me crazy' part." Even I realized how bad that sounded. "Okay, yeah, that sounds weird, but I'm fine. It's just one of those things I need to learn to fall into routine with. It's not something I can really avoid, so I might as well get used to it." He just stared at me. I stared back.
My blank expression finally got to him. "Rose, you need to tell me if there is something I can do to help this. Your lying about something, I just can't pin it down yet." A slightly frustrated expression crossed his face.
Yes, because telling Lissa I know about every moment she is bonking Christian stupid is the very pinnacle of brilliant thinking. She would hate me, no discussion needed. She probably would take it more directionally anyway. Me telling her what to do wouldn't be to wise either. She is a very individualistic person. Besides, she hasn't entirely forgiven me for leaving her to chase after Dimitri.
Instead of getting into a huge argument, I pushed passed him and opened the door. "I'm going to be late for class. I'll see you later."
I felt bad for doing that to Dimitri, but really, there was nothing more I could really say to him. When I was in class with Lissa, her mind was busy looking for reasons why I would mutilate myself like that. She hesitated to ask, fearing she would awaken whatever had sparked the urge in the first place. Part of me was thankful for Lissa, because she didn't push. Dimitri pushed because he thought it was healthy for me, but I didn't like it. Lissa accepted that I didn't like people doing that to me.
At lunch, Lissa, Christian, Eddie, and Adrian all sat down with me. They were busy chatting away about what would happen after graduation while I picked at my food, not really feeling my normal appetite. I felt content in my oblivious world, but Eddie pulled me into the conversation.
"So are you going to be Lissa's guardian, for sure?" Eddie asked. What a stupid question.
I rolled my eyes and scoffed. "Duh. Who else would I be guarding, this bozo over here?" I pointed to Adrian. He looked up from deep thought and gave me his best crooked smile. I took it as a warning.
"That can be arranged." I glared menacingly at him.
Lissa interrupted before I could get ugly. "Adrian, don't piss her off. You're not going to get a date, you are going to get a black eye…and she won't feel bad about it." Lissa tried to sound serious, but a smile creeped onto her lips.
"I'd listen to Lissa, Adrian. She's wise beyond her years. In fact, I think she can change the world with her wisdom." Lissa rolled her eyes at me. Dramatically, I threw my hands up into the air. "With amazing charisma and outstanding spiritual abilities, she will be able to take the world by storm!" giggles erupted around the table. "Then her little bitch, Christian, can stand on the sidelines and watch while his girlfriend brings about revolution." I snickered, so did Eddie and Adrian. Christian looked like he had a pretty witty comeback, but Lissa beat him to the punch.
"Yes," she looked a little smug. "Then while you are busy kicking strigoi ass, Adrian, your little bitch, will be watching you help me bring revolution to the world." The thought still made her giggle.
"Adrian is not my little bitch!" I protested. "That's why I've got Eddie," Eddie nearly spit out his milk. "I'm kidding Eddie." I laughed. He took a sigh of relief. Lissa and I both cracked up. Christian wrapped an arm around Lissa.
Into her ear, he said, "I don't mind being your little bitch." Lissa blushed a delicate pink and hit him playfully. I gagged.
"Christian, save the little innuendos for your nightly rendezvous." Oops. Slip of the mouth. Word vomit, whatever you want to call it. Lissa and Christian both froze. "I'm just pulling your leg," after a moment of awkward silence. "We all know that you would no such dirty things. Lissa is too innocent anyway." I smiled smugly to myself. Lissa…innocent…ha.
Christian relaxed, but Lissa still stayed a little stiff. The bell rang, signaling the end of the lunch hour. We all stood up to go to our next classes. I said goodbye to everyone, but I felt a cool hand grip my arm. Lissa pulled me aside.
"What in hell…?!" She was certainly in a rush. She still looked a little shaken.
"How did you know about that?" She asked brusquely and quickly. "How did you know about me and Christian? Please don't tell me you get into my head then too!" She looked really embarrassed. In her mind, her discomfort increased. She felt embarrassed and a little ashamed at the same time. She worried that I experienced everything she did on those nights, and she wanted those feelings to herself. Only Christian could—
I jumped out of her head. "I didn't know. Like I said, I was just kidding." I smirked. "So you two do sneak out together," she blushed more. "You dirty girl." She smiled a little. Then she looked a little more serious.
"What about you and…?" I had yet to tell her much about Dimitri and I's relationship, but she still knew about it. "Have you guys talked much?" She still felt really guilty for keeping us apart with the whole guarding Lissa thing.
I shook my head. "We're fine. We've just decided it's better to wait until graduation. After that, he wants to get reassigned to someone in court, so we'll be around each other more often; the schedules will be a little more flexible in a safe environment like that." I shrugged off the problem. She still felt concerned.
"Are you sure it's still going to work?" Her skepticism really was beginning to bug me.
"Of course it's going to work. Why wouldn't it?" She shrugged.
"I don't know. See you later Rose." She waved me 'bye' and walked away.
The rest of the day went by uneventfully. Stan's class was as boring as ever, though he did treat me with a little more respect, given that I went across the world to save one of his comrades and killed a lot of strigoi. Finally, my school day ended and I got to go to training with Dimitri. As usual, he was waiting for me in the gym, with a western book in hand. My lunch started to kick in and my energy levels went up.
"Alright, so what are we doing today?" I shifted my weight constantly from leg to leg. He looked up at me from his book. His dark eyes studied me for a moment.
"Running," he said simply. "Now stretch." I groaned.
"Seriously? I thought I was done with running!" I plopped down on the floor with no grace whatsoever. "Why are we running when we have already established that I can run?" I wanted to fight.
He snickered. "I think it's more for my sake than for yours. If we have time, we'll practice combat. Think of the running more as a warm up," he added helpfully.
I scoffed. "Sure. I think that this is just your subtle way of torturing me." I reluctantly sat down on the floor and began stretching. "What'd I ever do to you? Geez, is it piss on Rose day? Because it certainly feels like it. First you this morning, then Lissa this afternoon, and now you again! You aren't exactly on my good side right now."
He frowned. "Have you no sense of self preservation?" He gruffed. "I had no choice. You needed help. The cut was so deep that it didn't even clot." He still seemed really upset about it.
"Did you ever think of just taking me to Lissa? Hmm? We could've saved her the trouble of hearing about it second hand, which she felt a little mad about, and she could've just healed me right away instead of losing more blood. There's always a choice. Whatever, let's just go run." I stood up.
He didn't say anything, but he got up and we walked to the track. We ran in silence, never really finding any words that needed to be said. Maybe we were just enjoying the silence, but I never once caught him looking at me…then again, I didn't look at him either. We were both too deep in thought to really do anything besides run.
I was tough. I put on a brave face every day and faced the world. Fear does not occur to me unless something terrible happens to Dimitri or Lissa. The fear factor in my brain doesn't work unless a hundred pound trigger manages to hit the button. Why do people worry about me? I'm tougher than all the rest of the Dhampirs here put together. I dropped out of the academy the day of my eighteenth birthday to go to Russia, and kill the only guy I would ever love because he had been turned into a Strigoi. Fear never once occurred to me during that entire time. Why would people freak out if I tell them I had an accident with the scissors?
"Rose!" Dimitri called me. I snapped out of my mind. He looked a little concerned. "You can stop running now." I stopped. My breath came heavy and fast. Sweat beaded my forehead and the back of my neck, and when the wind blew, chills covered my skin. "Rose," Dimitri stood next to me. "Are you alright?"
I shook my head. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking." He smirked. "Don't you dare say a word about it." He held up his hands as a sign or truce.
"Alright. So what were you thinking about that held up most of your attention." He made it sound like a joke, but I could tell he really wanted to know.
I turned to him with a completely serious expression. I think it almost shocked him. "Why do people fear for the strong? Why is it that everyone freaks out when something happens to the strong? It doesn't make any sense as to why it doesn't worry the strongest, but everyone else is so scared. The fearless are always feared for. It's so stupid." This puzzle continued to boggle my mind.
He gestured for me to sit down in the grass with him. The spring grass was a little dewy, but not uncomfortable. The moon got a little lower with every passing minute. "Bravery can be taken to the point of insanity, Rose. That's why the weaker fear for the fearless. They count on them, and when something happens, they feel that they will have no limit. They fear that the fearless won't be able to stop, because they don't realize how truly frightening and dangerous what they're doing is. And those who count on them to be there, fear that they are going to lose them. It may not seem to make any sense to you, because you are the fearless, but try taking it from one of the fearful. How do you think they would feel if they lost one they held close because of valor?"
I suddenly realized that Dimitri was one of the fearful at the moment. He feared for me because he held me close. He feared for me because he loved me enough to never let go. That still doesn't cover the fact that I can take care of myself.
"I would probably try to stop them," I admitted. If Dimitri or Lissa ever took bravery to the point of idiocy, I would probably smack them in the face to bring them back to their senses. "It's just really frustrating when people start to hover. It makes me feel claustrophobic." Ugh.
Dimitri ran his hand through his hair in a frustrated fashion; squinting his eyes closed, furrowing his eyebrows. "Rose," he sighed. "Other than your mishap on the plane several months ago, this morning was the most scared I've ever felt. Sometimes close monitoring is what people need to get better." I never made eye contact with him because I knew that my eyes would be angry. I wanted to shout, maybe people need space to get better, but I didn't feel like arguing with him. "We're done for the day. You can go." I got up and walked away with no look back or a word spoken.
I didn't talk at dinner. Lissa watched me like a hawk, pestering me about why I didn't contribute to the conversation. Up to my limit, I skipped dinner and went back to my room. First Dimitri, now Lissa. I loathed it when people worried about me. Enough is enough. I won't give any reason to worry about me anymore. I won't accidentally slip into Lissa's mind anymore, I won't have any bursts of anger or irrational actions, and I most certainly will not bring bodily harm to myself. No one will ever have any reason to worry about me anymore.