AN; well, since i'm procrastinating my essays pretty hard I thought I would give you all a treat :) second update within two weeks, when was the last time that happened? :P

I'm going to explain this chapter before you read it because i think you're going to think it's incredibly out of character for Lily, however, if any of you have lived it you will understand exactly how in character it actually is. This was literally a defining moment on my way to recovery, obviously it didn't happen exactly like this, but everything Lily thinks and does in this chapter is exactly how I reacted to something that was on the verge of breaking me. And sometimes, we sit there and realise just how stupid we were. Not every anorexic doesn't know where their problems began, I knew mine and I knew what fed it, I also knew exactly what i had to do to stop it. This was Lily's moment of clarity and I really hope you enjoy it.

Warnings; Highly triggering! you have been warned!

I open my mouth to say something to him, except I can't get anything out. It's as if the truth is unwilling to come out after all this time buried deep within me. And suddenly I feel the sense of control I've kept throughout everything start to slip away. If I tell Teddy this secret, everything will be different. I won't have the control to keep my parents together, i already lost the control of how little I eat, I have lost the control over what I do with my body, that's now Teddy's. Can I give him this to control too?

The room suddenly seems tiny, suffocating, claustrophobic. I have to get out of the room, I have to move. I have to leave. I can't stay here any longer. I rip my face out of Teddy's hands and scramble as fast as I can to the door. Wrenching it open I run to the kitchen area and pull open the fridge door, pulling out the left over pizza in there, meat be damned, and shove it into my mouth slice by slice. I can hear Teddy's voice calling to me from far away but I can't bring myself to care enough for what he has to say, instead opening the cupboard, taking out the chocolate biscuits and pushing them past my lips, not even stopping to chew before swallowing them. I have to establish control. I can't bear the thought of losing anything else.

I feel hands upon my arms, but I can't stop now, pushing him back I continue cramming biscuits and chocolate into my mouth like the fat little bitch I am. It's so hard to stop. Thousands upon thousands of calories pass my lips within seconds. I don't even realise the tears running down my face one at a time like little streams of diamonds, glittering under the harsh light of the kitchen. I feel sick, I can practically feel the bile rising up from my stomach, but I push it down with crisps, their sharp corners scratching my throat on the way down where I failed to chew. I can't even bear to look at Teddy, what must he think of my display of total self destruction? But I can't stop myself. I have to keep cramming food. He can't control what I eat right now, he isn't trying to. I'm eating right? There isn't a problem. Except that the fat is sticking to me in every little nook and cranny of my body.

I can feel my heart hurting, it's being worked too hard. My lungs aren't providing enough oxygen, I can't breathe properly through the sobs or between bites. I can feel myself start to shake and suddenly my legs can't hold me up anymore. I'm sliding down the cupboard behind me, landing on the floor, sobbing with my arms at my sides, limp and lifeless and my head thrown back against the door. I can feel the despair running through my veins, the shame and humiliation freezing my arteries. My stomach hurts to the point that all I can think to do is curl in on myself, making myself as small as possible, my arms around my knees and my head resting upon them.

Stupid fat bitch. After everything you've worked for! What the fuck do you think you're doing! You should be ashamed of yourself! No wonder your father is never home, a fuck up of a daughter like you!

My tiny shaking form is suddenly enveloped in strong steady arms and pulled towards a warm comforting body. I turn my head and bury it into Teddy's chest, relishing in the fact that he hasn't turned away disgusted. "Shh, you're okay. It's okay. I promise, everything is going to be okay." His quiet mantra carries on for a while before my sobs finally die down. But I still stay cradled in his arms like a child because I can't think of anywhere else I could be right now. I can't face him but he can't leave me either, else I may just crumble away into nothing. When I finally stop shaking and my hiccups subside I fell a firm but loving kiss on the top of my head. "I love you so much, I wish you could see what I see." I closed my eyes feeling truly horrible. He thinks I did it out of self hate. Or perhaps hate for him or the situation? Regardless, he doesn't understand my need for control when everything else around is crumbling I have to keep myself standing. If I crumble, everything else will dissipate in the wind.

I shake my head at him. "Yes I do, Lil. You need to see yourself in a different light."

"No, I mean, that isn't... it's not..." I struggle to find words. How can I tell him that I can't lose control without losing control?

I feel his arms tighten around me and his head dips so that it's close to my ear. "Lily, please, let me in. Trust me." Trust him. That sounds so easy. Trust him to catch me when I fall. Can I truly trust him to stop me from hitting the ground and shattering into a million pieces.

"Promise you won't let me fall?"

He tenses slightly before nodding. "I promise, I'll always catch you."

I feel the bile rising in my throat again. I can't tell if it's nerves, reflex or the fact that I have eaten far too much. Perhaps a combination of the three? You should let it come out, fat bitch. At least then you wouldn't have to talk. I take a deep shuddering breath and force it back down again. I need to do this. I need to do it for Teddy, for me. I need to recover for us. I need to lose control. I need to stop feeling like this. I need to stop feeling that earth shaking, shattering feeling of despair whenever things out of my control happen. Things happen and I can't control everything. And in order to be okay with that, I need to lose control of everything I can control. And I can control what I tell Teddy.

"When did you first realise something was wrong with me?" I asked slowly, closing my eyes, unable to see his face when I let everything go.

"Honestly, I haven't known for long. The first time I really notice was when I first felt your spine during one of our... sessions." I nodded slowly, silently congratulating myself on hiding it from him of all people for so long, but then mentally shaking myself. That isn't a good thing, it's caused him more pain that I could have imagined at the time and that makes me feel disgusted with myself. "But, thinking about it, I saw the signs earlier, I just didn't at upon them. Like when you announced you were a vegan or when you started avoiding meal times with your family, saying you were busy and wanted to eat alone."

I shook my head, "there is more to that than simple anorexia. I didn't want to be around my mum, watching her looking at the clock constantly, plating up a dish for dad, even though she knew he wasn't going to come home. I couldn't watch the tears in her eyes as she scraped it into the bin at the end of the meal. I just... I couldn't watch her slowly die inside as dad wasn't ever around anymore."

Teddy pulled my away from his chest, gently by the shoulders and looked me in the eye. I hadn't realised the tears that has caused little train tracks down his cheeks, or the red blotchy patches of skin or puffy eyes, tell tale signs of crying. I could see he was struggling to understand where this was going so, after taking another deep breath I looked down at my lap, where his hand had intertwined with mine began fiddling with his fingers as I carried on my confession.

"Mum sent me to look for him one night, she was pretty fed up of him not coming home. So I went to his office to look for him and... " Taking a deep breath to steady my nerves I carried on in a whisper. "I found him having sex with one of his colleagues over his desk." I couldn't look Teddy in the eye after I had said it and I couldn't think about even carrying on. I had said my bit, it was time for him to fill in the blanks.

"He made you keep it a secret?" Teddy whispered, realisation seeping into his voice. I nodded unable to go on. "And you blamed yourself for your mum's misery? That's when it started?"

I nodded again. "I thought that it was because of us. I thought that if I could be perfect dad would be proud of me again and he would come back... by the time I realised it wasn't the case I was too far in." Teddy's arms wrapped around me again, holding me tight to his chest. One hand held mine whilst the other ran through my hair in the comforting way that mothers do with their children after a nightmare. And I suppose it's fitting because that's what I'm living. A nightmare.

"Lily, none of this is your fault. You are perfect your dad... he just can't see how wonderful and special you all are. Maybe he won't again, but I swear to you that I will never not see or tell you how special you are. To me, your mum, your brothers, the rest of your family, even your dad knows it. You are perfect in our eyes, no matter what age, weight, test score, job you have. To us you are infinitely perfect, no matter what."

And just like that, he caught me.

AN: reviews/messages/encouragement would be good :) I found it incredibly hard to write this chapter and now you can see why.