Chapter 10

Ianto had left the park without looking back once. He hadn't spared a final glance at his family, or at the woman flowing close behind. Seemingly indifferent to what she would choose to do, he had stood up from the bench and walked away.

Gwen caught up to him on the sidewalk outside of the park. Passersby might have mistaken them for two friends on a leisurely stroll, basking in the glorious weather and content in each other's company. He smiled at strangers and had slowed down, allowing her to keep pace. Their shoulders nearly touched as they walked.

"So, you're leaving then?"

"Yep."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that. Jack will find the tracking device in an alley. He might find one or two people who saw me go down it. It'll be like I magically disappeared." Ianto smiled. "Believe it or not, I really covered my tracks. As long as you don't tell him different, he'll never know."

"You think you're that good? That Jack won't tear this city apart looking for you?" Gwen glanced at him, noting the confident smile, the peace. "He's doing it right now."

"You do realize one of my jobs has been to hide bodies, yeah? Conceal the truth from the public," he said, laughing softly. "I'm a pro. This is what I do."

"It's what Ianto did," she corrected him, trying to use his logic against him. "If you're not him, you're not as good as he was. Jack will find something."

"He's not here," he retorted. "You didn't bring him. He didn't find anything. As far as he'll ever know, that memory chip only worked for so long and then I went right back where I came from."

Ianto oozed confidence, not even suggesting Gwen would reveal the truth to Jack. He didn't even look at her as he continued.

"Everything goes back to how it should be and I find my own corner of the world to live, away from Torchwood, the rift and everything else. It'll be good."

"What about Jack," she tried a different approach. "I know you care about him, possibly love him."

He stopped and turned to face her. "Why do you think I stayed this long? Why do you think I'm leaving?"

"If you care about Jack, you can't leave him," Gwen stated, resting her hand on his arm.

The strange show of self-assurance washed away, leaving a sad, uncertain Ianto. He looked toward the heavens, searching for answers in the clouds and giving up when he found none.

"I can't stay because I care. Because Ianto loved him. And this isn't… I'm not him, and this isn't right," he said, searching her eyes for understanding. "His life took years, his loves… that's not what I have. My history is months old, that's all."

"You don't know how much like Ianto you are," Gwen tried to reassure him. "I know you're not him, but you are him in so many ways. When I talk to you, I feel like I'm talking to Ianto. I mean, I am. Do you not understand?"

"You don't understand," he sighed. He grabbed her hands and gently held them. His thumbs tenderly stroked her skin as he thought. "Imagine you could remember every moment you spent with Rhys with crystal clarity. Every single second you and he were together, even if it was just standing apart in a room. You know every detail like it's ingrained in your mind. Except it's all from his perspective. Every memory is his: how you looked, how you were, what you might have been thinking. Imagine if you knew exactly what he thought of you every time you were together. That's all I've got."

Gwen gasped as she realized the implications. To know what Rhys was thinking when she was hiding Torchwood or trying to fit in a dress that was too tight or how she was in bed.

"I know what makes Jack happy. The things Ianto did that attracted him, that he loved. I could be the best Ianto ever and know precisely how to keep him smiling and laughing and loving everything. But I don't think that's what Ianto would want, and I don't want to be here just for Jack," he said, letting go of her hands and shoving his own into his coat pockets. "He sees through the act here and there; I can tell. I know him better than he knows himself. I know how he felt about his relationship with Ianto better than he does. I know how he felt about Ianto, how he felt about you. And I know that one day the mask will slip and he'll see the masquerade for what it is. I don't want to hurt to him."

"Leaving him will hurt him. Maybe if you talk to Jack, explain things," she suggested.

He shook his head. "I'm here because of how much he was hurting, because even the memories were painful. They're not anymore; I've made sure of that. But telling him? Ruining the lie we've created, that makes him happy? I can't do it. He'll handle it better this way, and he'll have all of you to help him. Keep asking him over, yeah."

"Ianto…"

"I'm not him; I'm Jack's memory of who he was and that's not enough." He started walking again. "I know you're here to bring me back, but that's not what's best."

Gwen sighed. This wasn't an escape attempt. It was a release.

"What will you do?"

"Leave Wales. Find out what else Ianto could do. Change my name so you won't find me."

She wrapped her arm around his waist, an improvised hug as they walked. He put his arm around her shoulders, giving a light squeeze.

"What am I supposed to tell Jack?"

"The truth: you didn't find Ianto."