PAUL

It had been weeks since our conversation in the park. And Rachel was slowly but surely letting me back in. She was at least talking to me openly about things. And that openness had been working to our advantage in the physical department too. But I never pushed her. I never pushed her boundaries. I wanted her to feel completely comfortable with everything we did. And she talked to me about that too. She talked to me about all her fears and insecurities, when they came up. And I felt miserable for making her feel this way. But I was doing everything that I could to make it right, to make her comfortable.

However, today, when I came home from a run, I emptied my pockets on the kitchen counter, and when I heard the shower running, I couldn't help but join her. I knew it might make her scared or mad, but I wasn't going to push still. "Rach, I'm home," I called out, not wanting to completely scare her. I began to strip out of all of my clothes on the way to the bathroom, shedding my socks and boxers outside of the tub.

"Hey, baby," I said, as I climbed in with her. She started to protest, but I shook my head. I placed my finger to her lips. "Shhh...it's okay," I say to her. In truth I'm just hoping she can handle the two of us being like this with each other, even if all I get to do is wash her hair.

RACHEL

Things between me and Paul have been getting better over the last few weeks. At first it was hard to shake the apprehension, but he's been patient, more patient than I've ever seen him. He listens and tries to understand, and it's just been good, working through this slowly, not having to feel any pressure. I go to work every morning feeling refreshed, and come home looking forward to seeing him again.

Just like today, only he's not home when I get back today, which he usually is. I figure he's probably gone out for a run, so I take the chance to hop into the shower and get clean before getting around to preparing dinner. I've only been in for two minutes when I hear him call out for me. "Hi honey, I'm in the shower!" I call back, shampooing my hair a little faster, eager to get out and see him.

But then I hear him come into the bathroom, seeing his silhouette through the shower curtains. And suddenly he's pulled them back, climbing into the shower with me, greeting me perfectly casually. My jaw drops in sheer surprise. "Hey, wha– excuse me, what do you think you're–" He presses a finger to my lips, cutting me off as he moves closer. I let out a short laugh in spite of myself, splashing some water at him.

PAUL

She starts to question what I'm doing here and I grin at her. "I'm washing your hair," I answer her with a straight face. I know she won't take that seriously. But it's the truth. I just want to be close to her. And god she's gorgeous. And she looks even hotter under the water.

When she laughs and splashes water at me. I grin and chuckle. I like that she's being playful with me. And she seems to be comfortable. I would splash her back, but I lack the water flow. So instead I reach out and tickle her sides in retaliation.

RACHEL

I burst out laughing when he says that he's washing my hair. Very funny. "Oh, are you now?" I play along, raising an eyebrow at him. And then without warning, he attacks me. With tickles. I try to keep a straight face and not give in to them, but it doesn't take long for him to break me. I squirm against him, trying without much success to grab hold of his hands and pry them off me. "S-s-stop! Pauuuul…!" I squeal, giggling hysterically as the water splashes everywhere.

PAUL

She doesn't believe me when I say that I'm going to wash her hair. I continue to tickle her until she's out of breath from laughter. And then I stop and pull her close, leaning down to kiss her lips lightly. "You're gorgeous, Rach," I tell her. That may cross some boundary. But I can't stop thinking it. So I feel the need to tell her.

I grin at her as I pull away, not wanting to make anything too heavy. "So where's your girly shampoo," I tease her as I search for the bottle.

RACHEL

He tells me I'm gorgeous and I can't help but smirk at him. "Hmm… so are you," I say to him, grinning as he pulls away from me. I laugh when he starts looking for my girly shampoo. And true to form, I smack him in the arm. "It's peach and apricot," I tell him with a pout. Then I pick up the bottle and hold it out to him before pointing at my hair. "Get on with it, caveman," I tease him back.

PAUL

She smacks my arm and I smirk. I know I should hate it when she smacks me, but I don't. I love it. Because somehow I know it's a weird way she has for showing her affection. And it always makes me wonder if she'd like it rough or not. She certainly likes to be rough with me, either way. I laugh when she corrects me. "Is that why you smell so delicious all the time?" I tease as I take the bottle from her. I love that she doesn't believe me. And I love that she doesn't think that getting your hair washed can be sensual.

I take the bottle from her and gently put her back under the flow of the water, making sure that her hair is wet. And then I lead her back out of the flow of water again. I make sure I have enough shampoo in my hands before I begin to massage it into her scalp, standing just close enough that we can feel the presence of each other's bodies, but we aren't quite touching. I'm itching to kiss her neck.

RACHEL

I close my eyes and tilt my head back in a smile as his hands begin to work the shampoo into my hair. It feels so amazing. "Mmm…" I murmur as I take a small step back, edging just a little closer to him. I can feel the heat radiating off his body, bathing mine. It's been a long time since I've felt this purely comfortable with him. Funny that it has to be in a shower.

"Not bad for a caveman," I tease him with a grin, my hand reaching down to slide along his thigh. "Now you're just spoiling me."

PAUL

I begin to rinse the shampoo out of her hair when she teases me that I'm not doing bad for a caveman. I let out a small chuckle before I feel her hand run over my thigh. God it feels so good. So much better than anything that I've gotten the past few months without her. I try at the last second to stifle the groan of pleasure that comes out. Because I'm not sure if that is what she wants. Hell it may have just been a blissful accident.

Then she jokes that I'm spoiling her. "Always," I tell her sincerely, softly.

RACHEL

The half-stifled groan that escapes his lips doesn't slip my attention. It gives me a small piece of confidence. I smile when he whispers to me, "Always." I don't doubt that. At least, I don't think I do. Not anymore. Over the last few weeks, he's done nothing but try to prove that much to me. And I don't really need that, I don't need him to spoil me. I just need him, and knowing that is enough for me.

As soon as he's finished rinsing the shampoo out of my hair, I turn around. I seek out his gaze at first, a little shyly, wanting to know that I'm getting the right message. And then I bite my lip slightly before leaning in for a kiss, pressing my lips to his.

PAUL

She turns around and she looks at me so shyly. I hate that she's shy with me. Even a little. But it really looks hot on her. Her coy look. Looking unsure. But it tears at me. She didn't even look shy our first time. A little nervous, but not shy or unsure. And then she bites her bottom lip and I struggle to hold her gaze and keep my composure. I want to attack her lips with mine. I want to pin her to the wall. I want to touch her everywhere. I want to be inside her again.

But I know I can't do any of those things. I can't push her. I can't test her limits. I don't want to make her any more uncomfortable than she already is. So I'm only gonna go forward if she initiates something.

And then her lips meet mine. And while I want to pull her closer, I settle for gently resting my hands on her hips. And I return the kiss gently, not pushing for anything more.

RACHEL

He returns the kiss, but it's soft, gentle. And I'm not sure if it's because he doesn't want to push me or if he's just not into it. For a moment I feel the sting of rejection. I pull back slightly, looking into his eyes again, trying to read this right, trying to read him. But what I see there is desire. Desire, and also hesitation. He's waiting for me to make the move. He's putting it in my hands, letting me call the shots.

So I tell myself to be bold and try again, this time reaching up to cup his face in my hands. I maintain eye contact with him until I'm kissing him again, more deeply, our bodies barely touching.

PAUL

She pulls back to look into my eyes and I can see pain there. Pain like I've rejected her. And I haven't. I would never. I want to tell her. But then she seems to get it. As she stares into my eyes I see her nervousness, but I also see her desire. As she cups my face in her hands, I know that she wants this too. Maybe not everything. But she wants a response. So when her lips kiss mine more powerfully this time. I return the kiss with everything I have and press closer to her while pulling her closer to me.

"I love you, Rach," I murmur against her lips as we kiss, one of my hands going back to squeeze her rear.

RACHEL

I feel my heart beat faster when he starts to kiss me back, hungrily, desperately this time. It's been a while since we've kissed, at least like this anyway. And I've missed him, missed this. I let my body melt against his as he pulls me closer to him, grinning slightly against his lips when I feel the pressure on my butt. This is my Paul.

He tells me that he loves me and it's something that he's been saying often lately, but that I don't get sick of hearing. The more times I hear it, the more I'm convinced of it. And the better it makes me feel about us. I wrap my arms around his neck and press myself fully against him. "Say that again…" I whisper.

PAUL

I pull her body closer before pinning her back against the wall. My hands roaming over her sides and her chest. I haven't been able to kiss her in so long. I haven't been able to touch her in so long. I've been craving this for so long. I need everything she's willing to give me. My lips move against hers demanding all of her, if she'll give it.

She asks me to say it again. And I do. "I love you, Rach. With everything I am. forever."

RACHEL

I moan softly against his lips as he begins to touch me, all over, everywhere. The searing heat of his hands ignites flames throughout my body, driving me wild against the coolness of the wall tiles behind me. My own hands begin to travel down over the well-defined muscles of his back as his lips continue to crush mine, hot and heavy.

And then he whispers again that he loves me, forever, and I'm in heaven. This is pure bliss. My leg slides up along his before crooking around his knee, pulling our bodies closer together. "I love you too…" I tell him back.

PAUL

Her hands move over my back and I feel her body completely pressed against mine and I find myself starting to stand at attention. I move to pull back, not wanting to freak her out. But it's then that her leg hooks around mine and brings me closer. So that I'm crushed against her. I let out a noise of pleasure as my hands grip onto her butt and lift her up. Hoping she'll take the cue to wrap her legs around me. As my lips move to her neck, I can't deny that I'm wanting to be allowed to have all of her.

RACHEL

I wrap my legs around his waist, my arms holding onto him tighter. But then I feel his erection grinding against my belly and I feel myself tense. I shouldn't. It's not like this is my first time, I tell myself. This is okay. But I know I need to do only as much as I can handle right now.

As his lips move down to my neck, I whisper breathlessly, "Paul…" He barely seems to hear me. "Paul… can we slow down? No, I don't mean stop. I just mean… slow down."

PAUL

I want to whisper for her to relax. I want to whisper that I love her. I want to whisper that everything will be okay. I want her to trust all of herself to me. But I know that I can't pressure her. Not right now. Not when we're like this. I pull my lips from her skin and set her back down on her feet gently. It's too tempting to have her so close, so tightly wrapped around me.

My lips go back to hers though. I want to kiss her senseless. And I don't want her to feel rejected. "We can do whatever you want, baby," I say to her.

RACHEL

He lowers me back to my feet gently before his lips capture mine again, and I feel my heart warm up when he says we can do whatever I want. He understands. Even though it must frustrate him, he's ignoring his own needs to fulfill mine. Which makes me love him even more, if that were possible.

My hands rest on his shoulders as I kiss him back with everything I've got. "Thank you."

PAUL

"No problem," I mutter. I continue to kiss her. I love her, more than anything in the world. I press closer to her. I know I'm just teasing myself in doing so. But I can't resist. I want to be as close to her as I can be. And my hands are still roaming. I give her inner thigh a squeeze. "I love you," I tell her again.

RACHEL

We continue to kiss and make out, and I find myself relaxing against him. Like maybe, given a little more time, I could handle more than this. After a while, the bathroom starts getting steamy, and I swear it's not just because of the hot water running. I grin against his lips, tempted to just keep going, but guessing that if I don't put this on pause we could go on all night.

"I should… probably… go fix us some… dinner," I say in between kisses. He seems almost disappointed that this has to end. We carry on for a few more minutes, gradually slowing down. After stepping under the shower for a good, proper rinse, I give him one last kiss before getting out. "To be continued," I assure him with a grin.

PAUL

She slowly starts to pull away. And I don't want to see her go. I'm a little afraid that it'll be a fluke and she'll be distant from me again. But I started to slow down my kisses. I started to let things cool. When she mentioned food. I remembered I was starving and I slowly pulled away. Although still watching her longingly. She promised me it was to be continued and I grinned at her. "I'm holding you to that," I teased her, nipping lightly at her neck before letting her go.

"I'm gonna finish up in here. I'll be out in a minute. And then if you need it I could help with dinner," I offered. I offered every night. But every time I helped, I made things worse. And she had stopped accepting my offers.

RACHEL

I grin when he offers help. Better get dinner done quick then. No offense to him, but I think where Paul and food are concerned, it's best that he just sticks to the eating part of it. "Take your time, no rush," I tell him before leaving him to it.

I've only just dried off and stepped into the bedroom wrapped in a towel when I hear Paul's phone go off. I look around, trying to follow the sound until I find it nestled in the back pocket of his pants, which he'd unceremoniously thrown at the foot of the bed. I smile at how typical that is of him. When I manage to grab hold of it, I see Emily's name on the caller ID. The first thought that comes to mind is that there may be an emergency back home, that maybe Sam needs Paul. So without thinking, I pick it up, already feeling worried.

But before I can say anything, I hear the female voice on the other end of the line. "Hiya hot stuff." And I immediately know that this isn't the Emily I was expecting. Not Emily Young. My fingers grip the phone as I stare ahead, stunned, confused. After a short silence, the girl speaks up again. "Come on, Paul, I know you're there," she says, her tone husky and unmistakably inviting.

It takes me a few moments to pull myself together. I swallow hard before answering, "I'm sorry, Paul's not here at the moment. I'll get him to call you back," I tell her quickly, eager to hang up. But before I do, I hear her sultry laughter ringing in my ears. "Thanks, hun, you're a doll. He knows where to find me." Then the line goes dead, and for a while I'm afraid that I might puke. Everything that just happened in the shower burns a gaping hole right through my chest.

I should've known that as soon as I left, he would've gone for someone else. It was something that made sense, but that I never really put much thought into. It never quite crossed my mind that he would've been in a relationship during our time apart, even though in retrospect I should've expected no less. When he first came he asked me if I was seeing someone else. I assumed that he wasn't either, or he wouldn't have come. But I didn't ask. And just because I couldn't give myself to anyone else doesn't mean that it had to be the same for him. He had no obligation towards me during those months. I shouldn't be upset.

But it sounds like, despite the fact that we've been back together for weeks now, he still hasn't broken it off with her. Or even worse, she's his back-up or something for whenever he feels I'm not giving him enough. Not quite trusting myself to stand, I sit down on the edge of the bed. I stare down at the phone for a long time, until Paul comes out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist. I can't even look at him right now. "Your phone rang. I'm sorry I picked it up, I thought it might be important," I apologise for answering his phone for him. I shouldn't have. I didn't have any right to do that. I wish I hadn't, so that I could be ignorant of this. "It was someone called Emily," I tell him, trying to sound normal, casual, trying hard not to crack. I hold the phone out to him, forcing a smile even though on the inside my heart is shattered. "I told her you'd call her back."

PAUL

I come out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel. And the first thing that I notice is that I don't smell any dinner like scents. But I do smell my Rachel. I grin as my eyes fall on her. My breath is taken away again at the realization of how beautiful she is. She really is perfect. And I briefly wonder if she wouldn't mind a bit more making out before dinner. Or hell, I could pay for us to order in. And we could feast in bed. But then I take in the whole picture. I see her sitting on the edge of the bed, with my phone in her hand. And she's trying to sound brave and unaffected when she talks, but I just know, with one look into her eyes, that she's consumed with sadness.

I reach out, dumbfounded with what to say and what to do. I take the phone from her and set it on the dresser. I don't know if I should acknowledge her pain, explain, or play dumb. I shake my head. "I don't need to call her back. She's not important."

I turn around to see the astonished look on her face. "Baby, do you really think that I care about this Emily girl more than I care about you? Do you really think I'd rather call her, than stand here and argue about it with you?" I touch her cheek lightly. "I'd rather fight with you than make love to anybody else."

RACHEL

I stare up at him in shock. The way he just said that, the way he worded it. She's not important. It doesn't make me feel better at all. It fills me with disgust. I can't believe him. I flinch away from his touch. "Don't– don't touch me," I say through gritted teeth. "How could you?" I ask him, looking up at him.

It pains me to think that he still treats women this way. I can deal with his past. And I get that he was seeing someone else. Or more than one person. I had no claim over him. But for us to be so little in his eyes, like we're all just laid out on a platter for him to pick and choose whichever one he likes best. "Do you have no respect for anything or anyone at all? Is nothing sacred to you?"

PAUL

I'm not exactly sure where she's coming from right now. I mean I just told her that in her right, she's more important than this other girl. "How could I what, Rach?" I ask. "I mean when you and I weren't together. I had a thing with her. It wasn't serious. And I mean, do you really want me to call some other woman back and have a chat with her?" I don't at all understand what I'm doing wrong here.

And respect? Sacred? What did that have to do with anything? "I don't...I don't understand, Rach."

RACHEL

He can't be serious. He's not just acting this way because he's cruel. It's because he's clueless. He doesn't even realise what he's doing is insulting. I feel all my emotions start to rise to the surface. "I can't believe you," I say, shaking my head. "I mean, I can deal with the fact that you were with her. Even though I couldn't bring myself to be with anyone else, to be involved with anyone who wasn't you, I get that you're a guy whose world revolves around his dick. I get that."

"But you don't even have the decency to call things off with her. Or to call things off with me. And God only knows who else." I get up and turn away from him, running my fingers through my hair. Which he shampooed. "Is that all anyone is good for to you? A good fuck, and then that's it?" I know that's unfair. I know how hard he's been trying, how patient he's been. But right now none of that counts for anything anymore. "I can handle a lot of things, Paul. But sharing isn't one of them."

PAUL

I feel deeply stung by her words. Is that what she really thinks about me? That I have no self control? That I can't keep it in my pants? Because that's not really the case at all. I mean, yeah, I slept with some girls while she was gone. But it wasn't so much about the sex, or the getting off as it was about trying to forget. Trying to forget that she was gone and I would never feel as good as I did with her again. And then with Rach, it's still not about just getting off. It's about wanting to show her how I love her. Mostly because I suck with words. I guess, I suck at everything. I look down at my hands. How was I going to fix this? Could it even be fixed?

I moved closer to her and touched her shoulder gently. "Rach," I begin, before faltering again. "I didn't need to call things off with her. We were just a fling. We both knew that. She hasn't called in months. She was probably just lonely and thought she could use me for an easy fix. But I don't want to do that for her anymore. I just want you. You don't have to share me. I can call and tell her that if it would make you feel better. But it's not necessary. If I don't call back she'll get the picture. She won't call again."

RACHEL

He doesn't get it. He just doesn't get it. Not one bit. He doesn't understand at all that this isn't about him having a fling. That it's not about this girl. I don't care who she is, what kind of person she is. It's about his treatment of her, regarding her as just some object. It's about how he thinks, how he's been acting. Even now he doesn't even seem to care.

"It's not about her, Paul," I tell him sadly, shrugging his hand away. "It's about your behaviour." There's a short silence, and neither of us seem to know what to say anymore. I can't lose him. I can't break up with him. I love him more than anything, anyone in the whole world. But I can't pretend that this is okay. "I think you should go home."

PAUL

"What?" I asked her shocked. "Rach? Come on..." Although I don't have a real argument. I don't see what's wrong here. I don't know how to fix it. Maybe Rachel and I are just too different to make this work. I feel tears start to form in my eyes. "I'm sorry," I say to her, my voice thick with emotion. But she still won't even look at me.

I stare at her back for a long time. And I know that this is truly it. She's not budging. And I'm not gonna force myself on her. "Okay," I finally say, wiping my eyes and sniffing despite my best efforts not to. I pack my stuff up quickly. At the door to the bedroom, I pause and turn to face her. "I love you Rach. And if you ever change your mind. I'll be waiting. Even if you don't. If you ever need anything..." And then I realize it's pointless. She knows all this. I take one last look, committing her to memory before I leave first her room and then her apartment.