Not Going Anywhere
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters featured on South of Nowhere, and only own the few that I created.
Alrighty, Chapter 10! Yayyyyyy for having made it to 10 chapters! (52 pages [single spaced] on Microsoft word!). This is more a continuation of the last one, as the title indicates. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it, but I'm noticing that that seems to be a pattern XD. Anyhow, I hope you like it. I can't say I'm too proud of Spencer in this chapter, or Ashley (but that's nothing new). Anyhow, happy reading!
Chapter 10 – Calm Before the Storm Part II
The morning sun shone through the twisted wire fencing that separated us from the field, illuminating our faces in broken light; black lines crossing our faces symmetrically. The dew droplets that clung to each blade of grass twinkled like grounded stars in this mild mist. All was quiet except for the distant tweeting of a few birds, chanting their songs into the perfect silence of the winter morning. It would have been quite a picture. I would have appreciated it more, were I not immensely distracted by the girl just inches beside me.
We sat side by side in the dug-out for what seemed like an eternity without so much as a word escaping our lips. Sitting here with her was different from sitting across the table from her in the cafeteria. When at the table I could look across into her eyes, study her always-expressive face. I could get an inkling of what she was to say before she said it. I could read the sadness that gripped her, and I could see her sincerity. On this wooden bench, I couldn't take my eyes from my own feet, and then hers, which hung less than a foot away. I became increasingly aware of the space between us: the mere inches separating our bodies. This was the closest I had been to her since she left. My deepest desires longed to pull us closer, to make contact and embrace the jolt that I'd felt on my wrist earlier. The other part of me debated subtly scooting a few inches away from her – perhaps this was too close. It was as if there were electric sparks radiating from her body, the ends just brushing my skin. The static tickle that lingered on my side wouldn't go away, despite my desperate attempts to avert my mind. The feeling scared me, and even the gentle breeze couldn't buffer the effect of her aroma, enveloping me like a deadly gas. She invigorated all of my senses: senses I couldn't even put a name to. I shifted uncomfortably, crossing my legs to try and stifle another excited sense (if you catch my drift).
The chirping of the birds was drowned out of my mind in this silence that surrounded us, reminding me painfully of our solitude and desires, rather than of the aesthetically beautiful beginning of this day that we shared. In the cafeteria we weren't alone. Dozens of witnesses sat nearby, ready to react should I do anything hugely dramatic or rash. They kept me in line. Here, there was no one. No one to stop my hand from tangling in her brown locks, no one to keep my lips from dancing with hers, and no one to maintain this inches distance between us. The blurred mental image of Avery stared down at me with accusing eyes. The thought of her combined with that pathetic force I call self-control were the only defenses I had. Maybe coming out here wasn't such a good idea.
"Spencer," She exhaled, "I'm so happy you're here." My peripheral vision caught her turning her head, looking at me. Was she expecting something? I felt her eyes burning a hole into the side of my face, but I couldn't bring myself to move a muscle. After some seconds, she turned and faced the field once more. "Do you want to say anything?" Even though she asked it quietly, I could hear the anxiety in her voice. I opened my mouth to say something, but words seemed to be on back-order. My lips opened and closed a number of times, and I ended up just breathing unevenly. I wanted to tell her how I felt. How everything inside of me begged me to just touch her, to be closer. I wanted so much to be wrapped up in her arms, to be breathing her breath. I wanted to cover up the pain that still lingered and throbbed in my chest like an open wound. I wanted to tell her that the hurt that she inflicted on me was the worst I'd ever felt, that I still wasn't recovered. I wanted her to know that she didn't just break my heart, but she broke me. The old Spencer left that night. I was but a shell of the girl I once was, the hollowness and emptiness inside causing my exterior walls to thin – to reflect the gaping chaos on the inside. I wanted to tell her how even Avery couldn't fix me – the one person whose love teemed at every edge, so full to the brims that it overflowed from her. Even she couldn't fix me. She was like an ill prescribed drug. Sure, it was a pain killer, but it wasn't the right drug. It covered up the symptoms, but didn't kill the sickness. Only one could truly mend me, have any shot at restoring me, and that drug was the very one that numbed the entirety of my being at this very moment. I also wanted her to know that as much as I loved her, I was terrified of her. Terrified of the power she had over me, the complete ability to just destroy and leave the desolation behind her. I wanted her to know how much I resented the fact that I loved her, how if I could, I would banish her every memory from my mind, never to be seen again.
I think the stillness conveyed this to her more than my words ever could. Breaking my thoughts, a quiet sniffle shot through the morning. I turned my head ever so slightly – enough to catch the sparkle of the tears that clung to her eyelashes. In a way, I think she knew what she did to me. She lifted a hand to wipe her eyes, and then went on to stare at her palms. She glared at them with such intensity, as if watching blood drip from them. Beneath furrowed brows, she closed her eyes and bit her lip.
"Please", she whimpered, the end of the word becoming lost in a soft hiccup. "Please say something." She begged.
"I don't know what to say." I said softly, praying that it would at least bring a pause to her crying. In addition to the normal, ever present pain, I could feel my heart being pried open in sympathy. I wondered why I wasn't crying myself – why I hadn't cried all morning. If you had to pick who was more likely to cry between Ashley Davies and Spencer Carlin, most would pick the latter, but this morning my eyes ran dry, and hers poured.
"Anything" she sniffed, wiping her eyes on her own shoulder. I sighed and got ready for what, I didn't know. I opened my mouth, and gently lifted the filter that separated internal and external Spencer.
"You destroyed me, Ash." I blurted. I didn't look up to see a response. "It was like you dug your way into the core of my heart, isolated me from everyone and everything, including my family, and then you exploded like a bomb, leaving me alone with a gaping hole in my chest and a semi functioning heart." I took a breath. I wasn't crying yet, but I was hyperventilating. She was finally hearing this. Hearing me. "I gave up everything for you. My family became dysfunctional, my mom and I loathed one another, and you just held my hand through all of that. Then once I was alone, where you wanted me from the start, you ripped your hand away and left me. I had no one, Ash. At first I was just so confused. Then when reality finally hit, I realized that not only did I have a dead brother to grieve, but also the person who had been my entire life." I paused for a moment.
"Spencer, I'm so sorry" – She began, but I interrupted her.
"No, let me finish. There was one huge difference, though, between losing you and losing Clay, and that was choice. Clay didn't choose to leave me." Tears began to well up in my eyes as I began to relive the heart wrenching pain. "Watching anyone you love leave is painful, but watching the one person you thought you couldn't live without just walk away is was the worst. I would never wish it on anyone." I closed my eyes, wincing at the memories. It was as if she took all of the words I had ever said to her, my truest and sincerest inner thoughts, dripping with love, and threw them in the dirt, spat on them and then carelessly rubbed them into the earth with her foot. "Not even you. Once I got over the trauma of losing you, I hated you. My God I hated you to your very core, Ashley." At this, her face met her hands, and out of the corner of my eye I watched her back rise and fall in quick intervals. I was silent for a minute, attempting to collect my thoughts while Ashley cried silently into her hands. She pulled her feet up onto the bench and wrapped her arms around her knees, allowing her face to fall into the crevice between her arms. Her body began to shake violently as the sobs ripped their way through her lungs and into the silence. With my hand, I wiped a tear that had fallen down my cheek, and then I placed it gently on her back, moving my thumb from side to side.
There was an instant reaction. I felt the jolt again, but I didn't pull away – instead I allowed it to take me, and I became warm. I knew she felt it too – her sobs suddenly ceased and I heard a tiny gasp. We stayed there for a moment, not even breathing – the only movement taking place in my thumb, which continued to sway. Eventually her crying resumed, but it was quieter and slower.
"But you know what I hated the most?" I asked after a while. I saw her turn her head slightly, and I caught a glassy, make-up smeared amber-brown eye looking up at me. "I couldn't hate you. I wanted to so much, but I just couldn't." I was tempted to tell her it was because I loved her too much, but I refrained. I didn't know where this encounter would go, if I truly let on the degree to which I still felt for her. "So I just stayed sad. Eventually the anger faded, and I would just stand in awe of how much it could still hurt, as months and months went by." She turned her face back town, and I knew she was trying to regain composure. "You faded from my constant attention, and you became more like a soundtrack to my life – always there buzzing in the background as life went on. I could try to ignore you, but you were always there, just waiting for a vulnerable moment to reappear and bring on the pangs of pain I'd come to know so well." In the back of my mind I was secretly proud of my analogy. I mean, I always drew them up in my thoughts, but I usually didn't actually say them. "You remained that way for a while… until Monday, I guess." I closed my eyes again, knowing I'd have to relive that scene if I wanted to properly get my feelings across. "I had detention, but if I knew what I was going to witness, the fear of detention itself wouldn't have caused me to bat an eyelash. Seeing you… on him, wrapped in him, it brought all of those painful memories screeching to the surface. It had been months since I'd even seen you, and now here you were, and here he was." I felt another tear cascade down my cheek. "I freaked out and ran. I didn't know what else to do. A few days later, after much thought," and Aiden encounters, and girlfriend sob stories, and Kyla phone calls, I wanted to say, "Here I am. I don't really know why, and I don't really know if it's smart, but I guess I can attribute it to the fact that I can't hate you, no matter how hard I try." I took a breath. "So I'm here, for what it's worth."
We were both silent for a moment, both of us allowing my words to sink in. Then, as if by some explosion, Ashley emerged from the ball she was curled into, and she flung her arms around my neck in a jumping motion. I was taken so by surprise that I couldn't help but gasp. Her arms coiled tightly around the top of my shoulders, and she rested the side of her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms awkwardly around her back and sat there, a little unsure of what to do. My body burned with the passion of her sudden touch, but somewhere in me, I knew that this wasn't a romantic advance, but the consolation of a friend – the extension of her apology. Even so, her aroma filled my nostrils overwhelmingly, and I could feel my breath coming uneasily. I had almost forgotten what it was like to feel her embrace. Her breathing was jagged and filled with the remnants of sobs.
"I'm so sorry, Spencer" She whispered so quietly. I could hear the heart wrenching sincerity with which she spoke. This pained her. Not as much as me, obviously, but she felt something too. We sat in each other's embrace for what seemed like forever. As time wore on, I grew more comfortable with my arms around her, and in a way, I felt like I was consoling her for the hurt that I knew she experienced – the one that she didn't tell me about: the one that had caused her to nearly end her life. I felt my arms tighten around her at the thought of almost losing her. That was too much to bear even hypothetically.
Feeling embrace tighten, she exhaled, "God, Spence, I love you so much." My heart fluttered, and then stopped. I already knew the truth in what she said, but hearing it was entirely different. It caused me to flinch internally with both pain, and euphoria. She loved me. She said it with such fervor, too. It took all that I had in me not to say it back – all that I had in me not to just lift her head and put my mouth on hers, wish away everything between that night and today. With every fiber of my being, I restrained myself, knowing that there would be consequences should I let it happen.
"If only you could know what you do to me just by existing" I breathed, wondering how that somehow made it beyond the filter I reinstated when Ashley told me she loved me. Okay, that wasn't as bad as telling her I still loved her, was it? The rational part of my mind told me it was just as bad, but I ignored it. It was out, and now I could deal with it.
Her arms closed a little tighter around my neck, and if its possible, my shoulder felt her cheeks pull up into a smile. No sooner, she pulled herself away from me, allowing the morning air to cool the place where her face had been. Her hands slipped away from my neck, but they remained on my shoulders. Their grip tightened slightly, but I barely noticed that as her eyes probed into mine. They held to mine with a strange intensity, a new undertone. The corners of her lips were pulled up in a slight closed mouthed smile, her cheeks blushing slightly pink. She was absolutely glowing. With each moment, I would swear that she was growing closer. Soon, I knew I was right – she was within inches of my face. Her breathing grew increasingly uneven, and I could feel its gentle warmth brushing my face. Her right hand slid up my neck and came to cradle the side of my face, which erupted in a wave of tingles. It was as if every part of me that she touched sprang to new life.
The rational side of my mind screamed at the top of its lungs. Mayday, Mayday. Images of Avery flicked through my mind rapidly, now. Guilt flooded into my brain and I knew I was sinking. I knew I had to stop. She hurt you, I told myself. Now alongside the images of Avery were memories of myself: prom night, me crying in my room, her and Aiden together. Internal Spencer recoiled disgustedly, but external Spencer remained motionless. You shouldn't even be here. She doesn't deserve to talk to you, let alone touch you. I commanded myself to pull away, to disconnect from the girl that so charged me. My body ignored the command. My mind was frantic, but seemingly powerless. For a brief moment, I had a new respect for schizophrenics. This is what it must feel like. It was like the video game controller ran out of battery, but the game went on. She had an obscene amount of control over me. She only drew closer as the battle between internal and external Spencer wore on.
"I can't" – I breathed. One point for internal Spencer. I tried to expel more words, but my breath had caught.
"Shhhhh," she silenced me, moving her thumb over my lips. "Just relax for a second." She whispered, and my body couldn't help but comply. I felt myself go limp as if my backbone had evacuated. A gust of air flew out of me, and I closed my eyes. Internal Spencer knew that defeat was coming, but she persevered nonetheless.
"Ash, I have something" – And suddenly everything changed. Ashley's hand became rigid and the rest of her body followed. Her thumb pressed my lips closed more tightly this time. My backbone seemed to return, and I became likewise stiff. Her eyes went wide and I knew she was listening to something. I strained to hear, and immediately felt her panic.
"Okay, guys, I don't know when we're gonna get another day this warm, so make the best of it." Gym class. The rustling of the grass beneath cleats was now audible, and growing nearer by the second. Ashley and I glanced at one another, still inches apart from each other's faces. I guess my face must have looked questioning, because she just shook her head dismissively and lifted her shoulders. Shit. If we were caught, there would be detention for sure – and I could only get so many before my parents were notified.
We ducked below the wire fencing, with only our eyes above the ground. We were focused so intently on the students coming onto the field, that we barely noticed the shadowed figure at the top of the stairs into the dug-out.
I whipped my head around to face the intruder so quickly that I got whiplash. I forgot about that instantly, though, when I saw who it was. My mouth moved to form his name, but Ashley beat me to it.
"Aiden?" She whispered abruptly, as he descended the stairs. It was one of those scream whispers, that I am not sure I can describe. You know what I mean.
"Spence, Ash? What are you guys…" He paused, realization dawning. "Oh, you guys…" He raised his eyebrows and winked. If not given these tight and anxious circumstances, I think I may have puked. "Spencer, I thought you had a" – From my crouched position I kicked him hard in the shins. I won't lie, it felt good. I knew that I was about to tell Ashley what he was about to say, but I wanted to tell her myself. I glared at him, and I think he got the idea.
"We were just talking." I whispered as calmly as I could. "Now, what are you doing here?"
"Gym class. Today we're playing baseball – I came down here to get the bats." He said, still looking between Ashley and me expectantly.
"Well can you get us out of here?" Ashley hissed. She was evidently not happy to see him. I was a little surprised, but not at all displeased by the harshness in her tone. In fact, I was a little turned on.
"Uh, I guess I can try" He said, looking taken aback and ever so slightly hurt. "I'll take the bats out and cause some diversion. You two run out of here."
We both nodded, and Ashley tried to quietly hand Aiden the bag of bats from behind her. She passed it to him as if dealing with a volatile bomb. He obviously didn't find the same precaution necessary, because he grabbed it from her hastily, and when Ashley let go, the bag fell from his hands. They landed with a clatter that seemed to be earsplitting, given the circumstances. I looked quickly to Ashley, whose eyes were narrowed into angry slits. Now back to Aiden, who was mouthing the word 'Sorry'.
"What's going on down there, Dennison?" The teacher barked in our direction.
"Nothing, just dropped the bats." He replied, not taking his eyes off of us.
"Do I need to help you with everything, little girl?" The coach asked condescendingly. If I didn't hear his footsteps approaching, I would have laughed my ass off. Instead, I bit my lip, closed my eyes, and mentally prepared to get scolded. "You can't even get the bats without causing a raucous. Can you do anything?" He faded on the last word. Though my eyes were closed, I was sure he was looking into the dug-out. Ashley's hand found mine and there was a soft squeeze.
"What is this?" He asked. I opened my eyes and was greeted by a rather large and hairy man staring down at me through the chain link fencing. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. His eyes flicked between the three of us in the dug-out, and finally fell on the linked hands. "I don't even want to know. Just go get your detention slips. Give me your names."
"Ashley Davies". She said it so quickly and calmly. She must be used to this. There was a long pause before I spoke.
"Spencer Carlin" I finally sighed.
Great. Just fan-fucking-tastic. Another detention. Ashley pulled me up by the hand, and began pulling me toward the stairs.
"Ash, I'm sorry" Aiden tried to say.
"No, you dumb-ass. You always ruin everything" She spat. I caught just a glimpse of his defeated look when I felt Ashley's hand jerk me up the stairs.
We walked in silence across the field as everything that just happened began to sink in. The weird part is, I wasn't even dwelling on the detention, or how annoying Aiden was: I was too consumed by what probably would have happened had we not been interrupted. How could I have done that to Avery? Especially after what Courtney did to her. How could I have so little self-control? I was suddenly aware to the fact that my hand was still in Ashley's as we walked. Was this wrong? I wanted to slide my hand away, but I knew that I couldn't do that discreetly. Why did I want to be discreet? She should know that I wasn't hers. I wasn't hers at all. Why was I not doing anything?
We had almost reached the office where we would get our detention slips when she stopped. I turned and searched her face, which held a mixture of determination and stress.
"Spencer." She said definitively.
"Ashley." I replied, in the same tone, unsure of what was transpiring.
"What are we?" She asked quickly. This must be what she was thinking of on our silent walk. There was a long pause.
"I don't really know. I don't think it's really fair for you to ask me just yet." I answered honestly.
"Okay." She surprisingly seemed satisfied with that answer. "Well, can we be friends?"
"I… well, I guess" –
"Spencer!" Came a voice from behind me. The moment I turned I was greeted by a mess of scarlet hair. Panic began to set in. She planted a kiss on my cheek and gave me an unreciprocated hug. "Are you just coming in now?" My heart was beating out of my chest. I felt my forehead burning, and I could barely bring myself to look at Ashley, who now slightly resembled a deer in the headlights. Her eyes were wide as she studied the auburn girl beside me. I never imagined that these two would ever be in such close proximity.
"What are you doing here?" I asked her absentmindedly, ignoring her former question. I could imagine that my face looked like a blank page about now, but I didn't care.
"I was going to the bathroom, but then I saw you." She paused, finally noticing the brunette standing across from me. I suddenly realized how close we were standing, and I took a step backward. "Hi, I'm Avery" She said warmly, extending a hand.
"…Ashley" She finally said after a pause, her eyes on me while she said it. The amber brown eyes held many questions that I desperately wished that I'd answered before now. How could I have let this go so long? I could feel myself beginning to sweat.
"Avery, Ashley" I said, pointing from one to the other. "Ashley, Avery…my… my girlfriend."