Chapter 9

Justin turned around and fixed his eyes on the ceiling sighing. It had been a week since he had last seen Brian, but the man had never been far from his thoughts.

Sam meowed and Justin reached out and started to lazily rub behind its ears.

"So you don't know what to do?"

Scott exhaled the smoke and waved the hand with which he was holding his cigarette before taking a sip from his coffee.

"Yes. I mean, it shouldn't matter that I'm in love with him, right? There are more important things, like he could have called, written, sent a carrier pigeon, made a smoke-signal, dumped a bottle with a message in the ocean, or sent a fucking card." He stopped and took a drag from his cigarette. "I'm right, aren't I?" he exhaled and saw Scott arching an eyebrow.

"Gosh he has the power to completely throw you off," he stated before finishing his coffee and taking Justin's sandwich.

"What I mean is that he chose not to do anything." He snorted and shoved his hands in his hair frustrate before looking up at Scott. "He says he never forgot me, that he always loved me and that he's sorry and of course while I was in his arms or near him, I could convince myself that he was telling the truth, but…" he diverted his gaze staring at the street out of the coffee shop. "He should have tried to do something, right? If I hadn't come here, if Gus…"

"But you did and you can't torture yourself thinking about what ifs, Jay. Besides, you shouldn't have this conversation with me but with Brian. Why don't you go ask him?"

Justin nodded. "You're right, I should."

"Yep," Scott finished eating his sandwich while the artist opened his laptop to go through his e-mails.

"Maybe he was just scared," he added out of the blue making Scott roll his eyes and snort. "Perhaps he thought I had moved on, that I couldn't forgive him or that too much time has passed." He sighed again and felt like lately that was all he did. "I have to go talk to him."

"Wise choice, Jay."

Justin was sitting in his car outside Brian's building staring at the door. He had subtly called Gus and asked for the man's address, but didn't really want to think about how childish it all was. He sighed again and was startled when someone knocked on the window of the passenger side of his car.

He turned around and found himself looking at Michael. The artist waved nervously before pulling down the window. "Hey Michael, what's up?"

"Are you waiting for Brian?"

"I…"

"I just came to see if he wanted to come to Babylon, maybe you could join us."

Justin shook his head thinking quickly of an excuse to use. "Since he's the one taking Gus over to my place for his lessons, I wanted to discuss some arrangements with him; you know find the days when he's least busy so he can take Gus over and…"

"You don't have his number?" Michael cut him off frowning.

"No, no, Gus just told him where Brian lives."

"Ok, I guess you could come up with me and…"

"Maybe I should go. I mean, if you two have plans and…"

Michael shook his head smiling, "Nothing is as important as Gus."

He didn't leave time to Justin to answer before crossing the street and opening the door to Brian's building waving to the blond over.

Justin sighed, rolled up the window and killed the engine before stepping out of the car and walking over to Michael.

While they were going up to the top floor, Justin was trying to find something to say but luckily, Michael seemed happy to just stay in silence and soon enough they were entering Brian's loft.

"Brian?", Mikey called and after a few moments, Brian was standing at the top of the steps that lead to the bedroom.

Justin was looking around himself, taking in the spacious living room and the kitchen island and above all, the big windows by which he imagined himself painting.

"Justin?" Brian's surprised tone pulled him out of his thoughts and focused his attention back on the man. "What are you doing here?"

"He has something to discuss with you about Gus, I'm just going to the bathroom for a moment," Michael said before starting in the other man's direction, giving him a little grin and clapping his shoulder in the process.

"You didn't call and," started Justin but was cut off by the older man.

"I thought it was up to you to call, after all, you're the one calling the shots," he said walking into the living room.

The blond seemed only in that moment to notice the light jeans and the black shirt Brian was wearing and the fact that he was barefoot and had wet hair. "You were taking a shower," he stated.

"Yeah didn't expect any visits and Mikey has a key so I don't have to be presentable to let him in."

Justin nodded and took a couple of steps closer to the Ad man. "I like this place it's very similar to the loft you had in New York."

Brian smiled, "This is smaller but I like it, especially the bedroom."

"I imagine," the blond said smirking.

"So," the older man went to sit down on one of the barstool at the countertop of the kitchen island and crossed his arms over it. "What are you doing here?"

"As I said, you didn't call me and I didn't have your number so…"

"You phoned Gus and asked him for my address?"

Justin nodded, "you're not in the phone book yet."

Brian rolled his lips into his mouth and nodded. "Michael is probably going to be in there for a while, you know, he's sure that using my creams will make him look hotter or something," he smiled fondly and Justin couldn't help but feel sad about always being a part of Brian's life kept away from his friends. "So you can say whatever you like."

"I need some answers Brian," he answered cutting right to the chase.

"I thought I gave them to you."

"Yes but more than words, I need to see that you're different," he took another step closer and lowered his voice. "I realized that I still don't trust you."

"This is why you waited a week?"

"I had to think things over."

"And you did?"

"Yes," Justin held Brian's gaze for several moments before sighing and shoving his hands in his hair like he always did when nervous. "Why didn't you try to contact me once you were ok?"

"Because I didn't think it mattered anymore, you know that I have never believed in the happily ever after crap, or how, no matter what, if you love someone hard enough then you're going to be with them for all of your life, Jus, you know that." Brian shook his head and stood up walking closer to the blond. "I knew I was happy with you, but once I decided I was going to let you go, I didn't plan on ever coming back, on ever looking for you, what right did I have? If you were with someone else and I showed up then…"

"You were supposed to know me, Brian," Justin said exasperated, "You knew that I didn't take love easily, that once I loved someone I couldn't just stop; so how in the hell could you think I had replaced you?"

"Justin, it took me years to get better, how was I supposed to know anything? You could have changed, decided that I wasn't worth it and…"

"Brian," Justin got closer, and closed his hands into tight fists to stop himself from hitting the older man. "Do you mean that if it wasn't for some stupid coincidences you would have just kept on going and that was that? You wouldn't have come looking for me to tell me what had happened?"

Justin looked straight into Brian's eyes and held his gaze forcing him to speak nothing but the truth. Finally, the older man sighed and said, "no."

The blond artist laughed humorlessly, "then what's different from the past? You're saying that you're different, that you want another chance but how can you mean it when you wouldn't have taken risks for this?"

"Justin…"

"What? Justin what?" The young man felt once again the anger surface inside him. "You know, when you said those things that night," he paused for a second before taking a breath and go on. "You hurt me because you never actually told me that you loved me but you never said that you didn't either. Without meaning it at least. And then, we were out, with our friends, and you hurt me on purpose because they fucking told you something that freaked you out. When you told me that you loved me, that night, it felt like the worst thing that you could have said. It didn't't feel right because you taught me that actions speak louder, and your actions said the opposite of love."

Brian looked down unable to keep contact with Justin's eyes. The artist waited for a few seconds before starting to talk once again.

"And I knew that you were sorry. I knew it two seconds after you said those things because no matter how hard you tried, when you turned around and looked at me, I saw hurt and regret and I got angry because you were fucking doing something that you didn't't want to, out of fear. I hated you but it only lasted for a couple of days and after that I waited and waited for you to come around, but obviously you didn't. You know, just once, you should have trusted me to do the right thing and if you really want to do everything again, to be with me again, then things have to change Brian and I mean it.

I got that you didn't trust me mostly because of your childhood. I didn't't have a family either, remember? My mom was never there for me and my dad was an asshole too busy fucking around to care about me or my mother except when he beat me. I told you everything about it on our fifth date when you were drunk out of your mind and I was high as a kite and this makes everything ten times worst because I know that you know that I understand you, but you still chose to shut me out.

Having a shit childhood isn't as unique as you think it is and you know, there are people that didn't't have the love they needed while growing up and while there's a part of them that resent the mere idea of love, there's also a part that seeks it for as long as they live and I'm one of those. It's why I still hope that one day my father will come around and say that he's sorry and it's the reason why I still love you after seven years."

Justin finally stopped talking and put his hands on his hips taking a deep breath. He knew that Brian wasn't going to answer him right away, after all, he knew how the other man worked. So he took a step backwards and said, "I'm going to go now and leave you to think things over like I did because this time, if we start again, then we have to be sure of what we're doing and ready to be serious about it, ok? Because we're adults now and we should behave like it."

Brian nodded and while he was desperately trying to come up with something to say, he knew that he needed time to process everything Justin had said and find a way to show to the younger man how serious he was this time.

"I will call you."

"Come over," Justin said smiling softly. "It's better that way so I won't be able to hang up on you, you know?"

Brian grinned, "Of course." He watched the blond man walking out of the loft and then spent a few minutes just sitting there staring out into space until he felt a hand on his shoulder and remembered that Michael was in the bathroom.

"Guess you heard everything?"

"You may want to reconsider the not-having-walls-in-the-bedroom thing," Mikey said before sitting down next to Brian. "So he's your ex? Never met one before."

"Never had one before," Brian replied smiling. "Just don't go telling everyone about it, ok?"

"Hey, sometimes I may be dense, but I do understand, you know? And I'm sure if I told anyone about it, they would be on your back before you actually had a chance to figure things out." He sighed and turned to face Brian, "Just why the hell didn't you tell me anything?"

"Because it was back when you still wanted to marry me and have my babies," Brian replied smirking feeling more like himself again. "And because I didn't want you to scare him away."

"Just imagine if you had met him here, bet mom would have loved him and so would the girls."

"Yeah he's cute and kind and all the things lesbians seem to love," Brian said rolling his eyes.

"Don't act so un-affected because now I can say that I know the truth."

"Oh and pray tell, what's that?"

Michael's smile softened and so did his eyes. "That Brian Kinney has a soft spot for a blond kid that knows how to put him in his place without blinking. I think I may actually like him."

Brian laughed. "Let's go to Babylon, alright? I need time to think."

"And what's better than naked men and loud music to think about relationships?" Michael replied sarcastically. "But don't think I'll let this pass so easily. You have the ride over to the club to tell me everything especially what he meant by 'when you were ok'."

"See, it's times like this that I can see the resemblance to your mother," Brian said before walking into the bedroom to change.

Michael stayed behind watching him go, and for a moment, it looked to him like he could see the Brian of so many years ago; the one who was actually happy. The difference now, was that he actually knew what had caused that happiness.