hi guys, this has to be a quick update but thanks to all the amazing reviews and favourites and follows that I've received I will be updating tomorrow as well! hope you all enjoy the chapter! as always I own nothing!
there is character death in this chapter - hope you don't all hate me too much at the end!
Chapter Ten
Weak
We stayed at Bobby's for another five days, I carried on training, giving all I could. I could now shoot at a stationary target with handguns as well as shotguns, the kickback no longer sending me sprawling to the floor. I could also take the guns apart in a couple of minutes, clean them then reassemble them in a dark room. Not yet managing to do it blindfolded like Sam and Dean could. But still for just two weeks worth of training I was reassured that I was doing well.
I could correctly read and pronounce an exorcism, still a while away from doing it from memory though.
I'd carried on working on my hand to hand, paying particular attention to dodging punches and defensive manoeuvres.
But Dean had made sure that we were never alone. Before he'd been doing my hand to hand training alone with me, egging me on and shouting out praise as well as insults. After the almost kiss moment outside though he made sure that either Bobby or Sam were with us all the way through my training. Even the times when I wanted to hit him more than the punch bag, even when romantic thoughts were the last thing on my mind. He still had a buffer between us.
Gone also were the nights when we'd sit up talking about everything and nothing. When we'd laugh and joke together after the others had gone to bed. Dean went with them after my spar with Sam.
It hurt me, more than it should have, it hurt something deep inside of me. And I had no-one to blame but myself. I knew my feelings were unrequited, but still I'd almost forced myself on Dean. And in doing so I'd wrecked one of the best friendships I'd ever had. In short I was stupid and rash. I'd screwed things up. Again.
The last day that we were at Bobby's, things came kind of to a head. The annoyance and hurt that I'd been feeling came bubbling over in a wave that probably wasn't very healthy.
Dean was training with me in my room, or the spare room that I'd been sleeping in anyway. Sam sat on the bed I'd been using, watching every move and every dodge. Dean had been holding focus pads up for me to hit, throwing back a punch every so often that I had to dodge.
"Come on precious, you can hit better than that. Hell Bobby's old dog could hit better than that. I've met six year old's who have packed a better punch." Dean bitched at me, his voice leaking acid, no longer the playful tones that I was so use to. He didn't give out praise anymore, just insults and angry words.
The hurt built up inside of me, a tidal wave behind an ineffectual dam. As the hurt built, as Deans words chipped away at the dam, my punches started waning, started lacking in focus and strength. I knew this, but I didn't know how to rectify it. All I could focus on were the stinging insults that the man was throwing at me. "I thought you didn't want to die, precious. Looks to me like you have a death wish if that's how your going to hold someone off. I can't even feel anything."
"Dean..." Sam said quietly from the bed, his soft tone a quite rebuke.
"What, B's the one that wanted this Sammy, she should step up to it." Dean didn't take his eyes off me as he threw a punch at my face that I only just managed to block. "Look, she's slow, she's sloppy and she's weak." Weak. Weak. All of a sudden the hurt, the words, the jibes, the cruelty. It all focused in me, in one big lump. I felt it strain against my chest, making my head pound and my heart stutter. Then I felt it turn red. Red with anger. Weak?! I'd show this ass weak.
I reached deep inside of myself and shrugged everything off but the anger. I let go of my hurt, of my worry, of my tiredness, I let it all go and let the red flame of anger consume me.
I hit out, remembering to use all of my body weight, remembering to keep my arms up and move my feet around. I hit with all the strength I had in one shot. Dean staggered back slightly with the force. His face becoming tighter and his eyes flashing.
He sent a punch straight back that I bobbed under, twisting while I did so that I wasn't on the back foot, literally. I swung my fist out straight for Dean's face, wanting nothing more than to see that twisted smug grimace wiped off his worn and rugged face. He blocked it, but only just, the force of it once again making him take a step back.
He sent an uppercut to my chin that I only just managed to step away from, now lighter on my feet, the balls of them feeling like they were only just skimming the rough brown carpet under them. "Chin down eyes up precious!" Dean barked at me in a shout.
I saw something move in the doorway out of the corner of my eye. Focusing on it only long enough to establish that it was Bobby and therefore not a threat as I ducked another punch from Dean.
I threw out a combination punch this time, as fast and as hard as I could. Dean lost the little ground that he had gained in his assault on me. I could see the energy seeping from him as my punches were sent with force and on target. His arms looking heavy as he held the pads in front of his face.
"Still not making the grade precious. Still not strong enough. You're still weak. You're still going to get killed!" Dean shouted at me breathlessly.
"Fuck you Dean!" I shouted back jabbing out with my left hand to keep him off balance before sending the hardest, strongest punch that I could with my right, putting everything I had into it, all of my weight and all of my anger. My punch connected and Dean banged heavily into the wall behind him. His breathing coming heavily, his eyes still flashing anger but at the same time I thought I saw a little spark of happiness in the depths of his amazing eyes.
"That's enough!" Bobby barked out as Dean went to stand again and I raised my fists. His words seemed to drain the anger, although not the tension from the room. Leaving the small space feeling even smaller and somehow oppressive.
I dropped my stance and lowered my fists, my breathing ragged and sallow. As though I'd just been on one of Sam's marathon runs.
"What the hell was that?" Bobby said, his voice extremely pissed as he glared from me to Dean and back again. "You're supposed to be training, not kicking the living daylights out of each other! There's enough things out there that want you dead without you giving them a hand." Bobby's statement was met with loaded silence. "Well I'm waiting for an answer, what was that?" He barked at Dean and me again.
"I was pissed and took it out on him. Sorry won't happen again." I said, my voice small and slightly hesitant.
"What's your excuse? That time of the month?" Bobby barked at Dean.
"Just wanted to make sure she's ready, that's all." Dean said with a shrug while pulling off his focus pads. His hands red raw from my onslaught.
"For what? A one on one with a Ninja?" Bobby asked, the anger still present in his deep growl.
"For whatever's round the corner." Dean said his voice slightly weary now.
"You looked like you were about to kill each other!" Sam joined in telling us off and making me feel like I had been sent to the principals office for being a naughty kid.
"Whatever, I'm getting a beer." Dean muttered before pushing past Bobby and heading out of the room. His shoulders bunched up, his muscles tense and a slight pulsing to his jaw that made him look even more angry than he was.
Sam and Bobby exchanged glances before both looking at me and making me feel really uncomfortable.
"Bells..." Sam started saying, his tone letting me know that he was about to tell me just how disappointed he was in me. Sam had been another best friend to me recently, he'd joked with me, trained with me, sat and had heart to hearts with me, which Dean called chick flick moments. And I couldn't stand having him tell me just how upset he was by me for wanting to kill his older brother. The only family he had left.
"You saw him Sam, you heard him. Anyone would have cracked under that. He was wrong and you know it. So don't start any of that you should rise above it shit." I snapped, I was right and I didn't need anyone being pissed at me. Not after the last few days. Enough was enough and I'd had it. "I'm going for a drink." I declared leaving the room in exactly the way Dean had done five minutes before. My muscles stiffening now, my jaw clenching together and the blood still rushing around my body the way it always did after a good fight.
I marched down the threadbare stairs, my hand brushing the old wooden banister. I walked straight into the kitchen and opened the fridge. The only drink was beer, and right now I needed something stronger. I looked around the kitchen, knowing that there would be something, my eyes taking in a half full bottle of whiskey. That would do the job nicely, I thought as I took it and headed out into the mild air outside. Needing more than anything to be alone right now. To calm down and have a good cry. Something I wouldn't be letting the men see, they'd think it was another sign of my weakness.
I walked through Bobby's yard, past mountain after mountain of scrap cars that seemed to hem me in. Not thinking of where I was going as I took sip after sip of the burning whiskey. Feeling better as the alcohol started warming my stomach and damping the fire that had been blazing in me since I'd let it go in my room.
I turned a corner while taking a sip of my drink, feeling slightly better now, lighter, more free, happier as the whiskey worked its magic on me.
I entered a little clearing in the forest of dead cars, the space familiar somehow, and decided that this would do for a little while. That is till I saw Dean sat on the hood of the scrap car, a cooler full of beer at his feet. I knew why this was so familiar now, this was the place where the anger, resentment, hurt and every other crap thing had started days ago. This was where Sam and I had fought, this was the place where I'd tried to kiss Dean.
I turned on my heel walking back the way I came. I'd find a different spot. Away from the person who had been doing his best to avoid me, to avoid being alone with me for the last few days.
"B, wait!" Deans voice echoed behind me, loud but unsure. As though he wanted to speak to me, but didn't at the same time. As though he was battling with two sides of himself. He really was Dr Jekel and Mr Hyde at times. Two different people, unfortunately I liked them both, I just wished he'd pick one and stick with it. Though admittedly I did wish he'd go with the friendlier, playful one.
"What?" I asked him, my back still on him.
"Since when do you drink whiskey straight from the bottle?" Dean asked me, his voice lighter but sounding resigned somehow. As though he was doing something he thought that he'd regret.
I'd been drinking with the brothers and Bobby. But I had no tolerance for alcohol and I was still underage, so I'd been having maybe one or two beers a night at the maximum and making it last me before switching to coffee. It was probably healthier that way.
"Since I decided that beer just wasn't going to cut it right now." I replied, my voice holding a hard edge to it that I couldn't get rid of. The anger although diminished was still there under the surface, bubbling and waiting to come back out to play. Completely different to how I'd have been only just two weeks ago. Dean had been right, this whole thing was changing me. And I'd not even been hunting yet. I just hoped that I'd change for the better.
"B..." Dean said softly behind me. I turned to face him, wanting to hear what he'd say, what he could possibly say.
He faltered as he looked at my face, his own features crowded with indecision about something, indecision and a frown.
I stood for a minute longer, wanting to hear what he had to say, but the silence just stretched on. So I turned to walk away again, the idea of being alone with me and talking to me was obviously too much for the jerk to handle. "Bella, I'm sorry." Dean said, his words rushed, blurted out, obviously apologising wasn't something that the man was use to doing.
"What for?" I asked with a shrug, as though I wasn't bothered, as though his words meant nothing. But they did, especially as I could hear how hard they were for him to say.
"For being a jerk." Dean said, a small smirk on his face as I faced him yet again. His eyes were staring at the floor, his face open for once.
"Fine." I said, my voice still hard even though I didn't want it to be. I had no control now, not like I ever did when he was near to me.
"I just..." Dean trailed off, his expression one of pain and confusion.
"Just what?" I asked, genuinely interested to know what he was going to say. Wondering if he was about to give me an explanation as to why he'd been ignoring me for the last few days.
Dean sighed and his features hardened again, for some reason, unlike his brother, Dean couldn't open up. He couldn't share with other people. "Sammy's so much better with these chick flick moments than I am." He muttered, making me smile a bit. His eyes brightening as I did.
"B, I'm sorry, ok. Shouldn't have goaded ya like I did. I just don't want to see you get hurt. I don't want to see someone I... Like. A friend, die. We've lost too many people. Don't want that for you too sweetheart." Dean told me, his voice still hard as he struggled to spit those words out.
My shoulders dropped instantly, feeling lighter than they had for days. I hated the hold that the man had over me, and I'd rather eat glass than admit just how big a hold that was, but there was nothing I could do about it. I'd tried. I'd tried ignoring him like he'd done with me, I'd tried avoiding him, I'd tried getting angry with the dick, I'd done everything I could think of to rid myself of these feelings, but so far nothing had worked and every new part of him that I got to know, everything new thing I learnt about the man, just made that hold slightly harder, slightly stronger.
"You're not bad to have around sweetheart, you sure make things interesting at any rate. And I'd hate to have to have an emotional one on one with Sammy if you were ganked while we were suppose to be looking out for you. So I got a bit tough. Sorry." Dean carried on, every word making me feel better till I was almost smiling.
"You do know that it isn't your job to look out for me right? You're helping me out, training with me, helping me look for Charlie, taking me in. But it's not your job to protect me or whatever bull you're saying. That's no-ones but my own now. I owe you guys, not the other way around." I told Dean softly, still meters away from him, but my body reacting to his words automatically as my body language became more relaxed as his did.
"Yeah, well call it a force of habit sweetheart." Dean said before drinking down his beer. I took another sip of the whiskey, a large one that burnt my insides as it went down, but made the happy feeling even better.
I made my way over to the scrap car that he was sat on, wanting to sit down as well. He shifted along, making room for me on the uncomfortable metal top.
We sat together in a comfortable silence for a little while, just drinking and staring out in front of us. His body heat seeming to warm me as much as the whiskey, my body aware that he was just an inch or two apart from me.
A question popped into my head, that was spinning a little from the whiskey, and no thanks to the amber liquor it came straight out of my mouth before I'd even thought it through properly.
"Dean why've you been mad with me?" I asked, my voice holding the tiniest slur as my head spun faster.
"I haven't sweetheart." Dean said sounding confused from next to me, but it sounded like he was putting it on. Like he knew exactly what I was talking about but wasn't going to spill.
"Yeah you have. You've made sure that we haven't been alone and you've been getting mad with me. And I miss you, I miss sitting and talking to you." I said, a frown on my face as the words came pouring out, not able to stop the flow even though I wanted to.
Dean didn't reply, he just looked at me as he clutched his new beer bottle in his hand and drank deeply from it. My eyes watching as his lips wrapped themselves around the bottle top, as he swallowed and the way that his tongue licked them as he pulled the bottle away, catching any left over drops of the alcohol. My body hummed as I watched him, my heart stuttering, heat that had nothing to do with the whiskey pooling at the pit of my stomach. I wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch him. But I wouldn't, I couldn't, I'd just sit and enjoy the view, enjoy the slow torture that watching Dean was.
"I'd like to see you spar with Sam now sweetheart, those were some moves back there." Dean said starting back up a conversation, the words sounded forced, a slight croak to his voice that he coughed away as he sat still looking at my face.
"Thanks, I'm learning from the best apparently." I said back with a smile.
"Damn straight you are." Dean smirked at me, his eyes brightening as I smiled at him.
I rolled my eyes but let out a giggle anyway. "So what's the plan for tonight then?" I said after I took a mouthful of the whiskey, looking up from under my lashes at the tall guy as I did.
Something immediately changed, my words having an effect on the atmosphere around us. Deans eyes glazed ever so slightly and he shifted uncomfortably on the car. I had no idea what I'd done this time.
"What do you want to do B?" Dean asked me, his voice soft with something else in it that I couldn't work out. Hope maybe?
"I don't know, we could play cards?" I suggested thoroughly confused by the way the conversation was turning.
Dean shifted again, crossing his legs and putting his beer in his lap, his eyes lightening up with a joke that was his own. "Sure B. We'll have a couple of games of cards. Though you know I'll stomp ya." Dean teased me, back to himself, back to the Dean who was my best friend again.
"Whatever D, I think you'll find that I've won three more games than you, that makes me winner and you loser." I winked at him while giggling a little.
"For the minute, but tonight sweetheart, you're going down!" Dean teased me right back, the words leaving his mouth before something crossed his face and he shifted uncomfortably again.
"You got itching powder in your boxers or something?" I asked with a laugh, remembering what Dean had told me about his and Sam's prank wars. The idea that Sam was pranking him right now seeming hilarious and made me laugh a bit harder.
"Or something." Dean muttered but his face was covered with a smile as he watched me laugh on the hood of the old Mustang that we had parked ourselves on. "You ever played any pranks B?" Dean asked me.
"Yeah when I was little I played pranks on my friend Jake and his sisters." I started saying, Dean watching me with a small smile on his face and hanging on to my every word.
We spoke for what felt like hours, exchanging story's and anecdotes, laughing uproariously and drinking together. Dean told me all about putting Nair in Sam's shampoo and I told him about gluing down things around Jake's room, including gluing his closet door shut. He told me about his Christmas rituals, and I told him about mine, neither or which were much to write home about. We spoke about birthdays, schooling, field trips, bus rides and meals. Our conversation never ceasing, our smiles rarely fading and the sounds of our laughter mingling and surrounding us with happiness.
"There you are." Sam said making us both jump a little, we were so wrapped up in our conversation that we hadn't heard or seen him walk over to us.
"Hey Sammy, you want a beer?" Dean asked, picking one up and offering it to his little brother.
"No thanks man. Bobby wants us." Sam's words were slightly clipped, his tone telling us that this was going to be a business meeting.
"What's happened?" Dean asked, his voice harder as he got down from the car and picked up the cooler. I followed, hopping down from the car, swaying a little as I touched the ground. Dean instantly wrapping his free arm around me to stop me from wobbling.
Sam looked from me to Dean, Dean withdrew his arm and started walking back towards the house. Sam and I following in his wake.
"I don't know, he was talking to someone on the phone, he hung up and said that I better find you two." Sam told us.
"Yeah he's a regular chatty Cathy alright." Dean muttered walking faster now. I was almost jogging to keep up, the guys had long legs and every stride for them was three for me.
We were back home in a matter of minutes, walking straight into the house and continuing into the study without braking stride. Bobby was sat behind his desk, looking at something on a laptop, his face creased into a frown.
"What's up Bobby?" Dean asked the older man as he sat himself down on the comfy couch to the side of the hunters desk. I perched next to him as Sam sat on the arm nearest to me. My heart had started up a worrying pounding as I panicked slightly. Maybe he'd found Charlie? Maybe he'd found Charlie and things weren't good. What if dad was hurt, or worse?
"I've got a hit. Charlie was last seen in Arizona, he was looking for some people." Bobby said closing the laptop and looking seriously at the brothers and me.
Arizona? I'd worked out instantly who he was looking for. "Renée and Phil?" I asked softly, even more worried now. Why was my dad looking for my mum, they hadn't spoken in the two years that I'd been living with my dad, hell I hadn't spoken to them in that long either.
"You know 'em?" Bobby asked me sounding surprised.
"Yeah, that's my mum and my step dad." I announced.
Bobby looked really worried for a second, his face clouding over with hurt and pain and sympathy. I knew what was coming, I could feel it in every bone. But I couldn't prepare for it, I couldn't harden myself to it.
"Bella." Bobby started saying in the softest voice that I'd ever heard him use.
"He found them didn't he?" I asked, my voice wobbling, my world feeling like it was coming apart at the seams.
"Yeah he did." Bobby said still softly. He took a deep breath before speaking again. "Bella, they were dead."
I'd known it was coming, I'd known it, I'd felt it. But it still cut, it still sliced through everything. They were gone. My mum was gone.
"How?" I asked in a voice no louder than a whisper as I felt Dean tense up next to me.
"I don't think..." Bobby wasn't going to tell me. What did he think, that I didn't deserve to know? Did he think that I wouldn't be imagining horrible, terrible things if he didn't tell me? I needed to know. Call it a morbid curiosity.
"How Bobby?" I asked again, my voice louder and stronger now.
"Looks like it was demons." Bobby said, his voice still soft, his face still sympathetic.
Something inside of me cracked, some part of me that hadn't been touched by all this supernatural rubbish gave way. My mom, my sweet, erratic, hair brained mom had been killed by this crap.
"Why?" I asked, wanting to know why, needing to know how she'd gotten herself involved in all this stuff.
"I don't know..." Bobby said, looking as though he was warring with two parts of himself. Whatever he didn't want to tell me I wanted to know. I needed too. I needed to know every little part of how and why this had happened. Why my life was falling away from me, why everything was crashing down.
"Bobby just tell me." I said growling out the sentence.
"They, the demons, we think they were looking for something." Bobby said while shooting the brothers glances, whatever they were looking for I knew Bobby wouldn't tell me. It was harder to get something out of him if he didn't want to give it up than Fort Knox.
"Who's we?" I asked, not really caring now. All I could think of, all I could see, was my mothers happy face, her warm caring embrace.
"I've got some people looking out for your dad. One of them looked into Renee's death when he saw Charlie sniffing round it. Rang me five minutes ago." Bobby explained for me.
Silence descended on us and I felt the walls closing in on me. I needed to get out. I needed to get away from the sympathetic and pitying looks, as well as the worried looks, the looks that seemed to be waiting for me to crack. I needed to run, to get away from everything. Irrationally I had a thought that if I ran hard enough that I could find my mom and bring her back. That none of this would have happened, that she'd still be in Phoenix safe and sound, Phil would be by her side and that they'd laugh at how silly I'd been.
I got up, my legs feeling shaky under me. All eyes were on me as I walked from the room, through the kitchen and out of the house. My only thought, getting away, finding somewhere safe. Finding something familiar. Running until it didn't hurt anymore. Till the pain that ripped through my chest had gone. Till the lump in my throat that was choking me had vanished.
As soon as my feet were on the ground of Bobby's yard I ran. I ran faster than I ever had, not noticing where I was going, not caring. Trying desperately to out run the crushing feeling that was baring down on me. All that I could see were images of my mum running with me. Her and Phil on their wedding day, her laughing at a joke, mum holding out her arms to me. Telling me she loved me and that everything would be ok.
As soon as that hit me my legs gave way and I crashed to the floor. Sobs shook my body and tore my throat. Tears pounded my face and every bit of me that could feel felt the loss and pain of my loving mother completely. Every inch of me willing it to not be true. But it was, I knew that, I could feel that deep inside of me. I saw it in the way Bobby had looked at me. Hear it in his soft voice. My mother was gone. I'd never have that chance to hear her say she loved me again. I'd never tell her that I loved her. I'd never have to listen to Phil talking about baseball and pretend I cared again. My eyes grew puffy, my throat becoming hoarse with the sobs that had taken me over. My limbs shaking had started to burn and my body felt like lead.
I will update tomorrow night I promise, but I've gotta be at work in six hours and I havent slept yet! reviews would be awesome please! :) hope you enjoyed it and don't hate me too much for killing Renee and Phil, it's all for a greater purpose - I promise! love always tametiger! xx