I want to sit with Tobias, I really do. But he hasn't made eye contact with me since we were in the Control Room, and the only things we've said to each other were clipped and business-like. We are soldiers on a mission, not lovers on a trip. Besides, I don't know how comfortable he is with Marcus being there. Does he want to keep our relationship from Marcus?
Maybe this coolness is for the best. In the last day and a half, I have been shot and nearly drowned. I killed my friend, and watched both of my parents die. I have witnessed numerous murders, and saw both my former and current factions destroyed. I am well past the end of my strength. I am going to cry, and I would rather not have Peter and Marcus witness my breakdown.
I take a bench in the middle of the train, pull the hood of Zeke's sweatshirt over my face, and lay down. Sobs shake my body, but I keep myself quiet enough that I can't be heard over the noise of the train.
I feel a hand on my right shoulder, touching my gunshot wound. I wince and pull away and the hand retracts quickly.
"Sorry," Tobias mumbles as he moves to walk away.
"No! Stop!" I say. "Come back."
He turns back toward me, and at the sight of his sorrowful deep blue eyes, I begin to cry again, and cannot speak. I unzip the sweatshirt and pull it off my right arm, revealing the bandages applied by the Abnegation medical volunteer. They are stained brown with dried blood. I'm certain I pulled the stitches when I fell into the net at Dauntless, or when I fired my gun at the guard.
"I was shot," I explain in a choked voice that is little more than a whisper. "It hurt when you touched it."
"I'm sorry," says Tobias, his head hanging sorrowfully. "I didn't know."
"I know," I mumble back to him.
"Are you hurt anywhere else?" he asks.
I touch the bruise on my cheek where Tobias punched me while under the sim, and I think of the lash mark on my back.
"No," I say, a half-truth, "just this bruise and the gunshot wound in my shoulder."
"Then can I hold you?" Tobias asks shyly.
"What about Marcus?" I ask.
"I don't care about him," says Tobias in a firm voice, taking the seat on my left.
"I'm going to cry," I warn him, tears already filling my eyes and blurring my vision.
"I know," he says as he gingerly wraps an arm around me, careful to avoid my injured shoulder.
I rest my head on his broad chest and begin to sob. Tobias doesn't try to stop me or quiet my crying, he just rubs his hand gently up and down my back and lets me cry it all out.
When I recover enough to speak, I choke out, "My parents. They died today."
Even though I said it, and even though I know it's true, it doesn't feel real.
"They died for me," I say. That feels important.
"They loved you," he replies. "To them there was no better way to show you."
I nod, and my eyes follow the line of his jaw.
"Tris?" Tobias begins in a pained voice, "I hit you today. The way Marcus used to hit me. I took off my belt and whipped you with it. I don't know how to live with myself. I can't stay away from you because I love you and you've been through so much I just want to be there for you. But I hit you. You deserve better than that."
I feel Tobias' tears dripping off his cheek into my hair, and I realize that Marcus in his fear landscape does not represent Tobias' fear of being beaten any longer. He is too strong, too well trained by Dauntless. Suddenly I understand that Marcus still appears in Tobias' landscape because he is afraid of becoming Marcus. This is why he broke down after beating Peter. And Jeanine's sim made his worst fear come true when he hit me under its influence.
"Tobias," I begin in the most soothing voice I can muster, "I don't blame you for what happened today. That wasn't you. You were being controlled by a sim, and you only did what it made you do. In fact, I'm proud of you. You fought back and freed yourself from the sim. I don't think anyone else was able to do that."
"We all did things today that we will regret for the rest of our lives," I continue. "Tobias, I killed people today. I shot several Dauntless, both in self-defense and in an effort to get to the Control Room and stop the sim. I will live with that for the rest of my life. Their friends and family woke up from the sim to discover that their loved ones were dead! And I killed them! We all have to learn to live with what happened. You're no worse than anyone else, and I can't do this without you!"
Fresh tears pour down my face, and Tobias pulls me even closer and plants a gentle kiss on my forehead. I cry into his chest until exhaustion takes over and I pass out in his arms.
As I am drifting off to sleep, I swear I hear him whisper, "I love you."