Hankering: Extended Version

You can read the original Hankering chapter here: Add /s/7401594/1/Hankering onto fanfiction net

Disclaimer: Jane Rizzoli and Maura Isles do not belong to me. No infringement intended and no profit will be made from their use.

Maura came into the kitchen as Tommy slammed the door behind him. "What is going on? Were you arguing with Tommy?"

Jane turned on Maura with all of the angry she had been directing at Tommy. "He saw you."

"He saw me what?"

"With that hooker!" Jane spat out.

"Escort."

"Same difference."

Maura reached her hand to Jane's back to try to soothe her. "It's okay. You know all about it. We've moved past it."

Jane moved away from Maura's touch. "You don't understand. Tommy is charming, he seems like a nice guy. But he isn't. He's always working an angle. And now he has this information to use against us."

"Wait a second. Was he spying on me?"

"I don't think so. He said he was coming over to see if you wanted to play chess. But I don't know how much he saw, other than you paying her." Jane paused and thought about what Tommy said he saw. "He said that at first he thought you were with me. Why would he think that?"

"Oh, Jane," Maura sighed.

"Just tell me, Maura."

"I hired someone who looked like you," Maura said as quickly as possible.

"What does that even mean?"

"I was trying to get over my attraction to you. I didn't think anything would ever happen between us. I thought if I... simulated being with you, it would help and I would get over you."

"Jesus fucking Christ, Maura. Is there anything else you haven't told me?" Jane yelled.

"No. And I don't understand why you're so upset right now. This new information doesn't change anything."

"I don't know. I'm trying to forget about what you did, but it's hard. I shoulda known last night was too good to be true." Jane sighed. "I gotta go."

"Do you have to leave now? Stay for breakfast, please."

"I need to go home and change before work. I'll see you later."

Jane's head was pounding as she drove to work, but she had calmed down considerably. Why, she wondered, did she keep doing this? Lashing out at Maura and leaving before making it right?

When Jane reached headquarters she went straight to the cafe to see her mother. She wanted to talk privately so she walked past her mother straight back to the kitchen and waited for Angela to have a chance to join her.

"Sooo," Angela said, waltzing in, "Tommy said you spent the night at Maura's."

Jane couldn't help but smile. "Go ahead, say it."

"I told you so," Angela said in a sing song voice, and then said, "So why are you really here? What's the problem now?"

"Because you were right, I'm going to ask for your advice. But the deal is, I'm gonna tell you something but you can't ask for any details. Okay?"

"Okay," Angela said seriously.

"A few weeks ago Maura did something that many people would find... morally questionable, and was maybe illegal. No one was harmed in any way though. I'm trying to get over it, but it's really hard for me to forget about it."

"People make mistakes. Or people make choices that seem like a good idea but with hindsight are not. The longer I've lived the more I've realized that most of those things are not worth losing someone over. I can't tell you what to do. But I think there are probably very few things worth losing Maura over. Can you tell me what about it is bothering you the most?"

Jane thought for a moment. "I think it's that she had a problem and she didn't come to me with it first. Instead she did something pretty sketchy."

"I don't know Janie. It must be worse than that to have you here asking for my advice. But, I will say that you tend to see things very black and white. My advice is that love is never black and white. If you want her, you just have to find a way to get over whatever she did." Angela glanced outside the kitchen to the counter. "I have customers. I love you, honey. Don't make any rash decisions."

Jane then went up to the bullpen and fidgeted at her desk for twenty-five minutes. Finally, Frost said, "Do you wanna talk about it?"

"When I first made detective I worked Vice. We thought we were so badass, cleaning up the streets. I don't think about it too much but when I do it seems so ridiculous now. Going after gambling rings and hookers. We would do random raids in Chinatown, picking up all the girls on the corners and bringing them to the precinct station. But we couldn't hold them for anything because we had no evidence of any crimes being committed. It was just to make their already shitty lives worse. As if harassing them would make them decide to make some life changes and stop hooking. Because they had so many other options."

Frost cleared his throat and said, "Uh, Jane, is there a point to this?"

"When I got to Homicide and I found out we actually solved murders, real crimes with real victims, and arrested people who deserved to go to prison, it was a revelation. It was actually what I became a cop to do. Looking back now, I know I lost focus of that purpose with Vice, where it was just about being a cop to push people around. They taught everyone that everything was black and white. Cops were good and everyone else was a possible criminal. And sometimes I realize I haven't fully let go of that way of thinking. Do you think escort services are wrong?"

Frost was shocked by the sudden turn in the conversation. "Whoa, what the hell? Are you looking for a way to make some more money or something?"

"No, come on Frost. Just morally or whatever, like a high end escort service, is it wrong?"

Frost sighed. "Fine. I think that as long as every one involved is a consenting adult, it's okay. The escort services, it's not like the girls on the street who have no other options."

"Yeah, that's a good point."

"What the hell is going on, Jane?"

"Nothing. I gotta go. Just call me if anything comes up." Jane left the bullpen, leaving Frost totally confused.

Jane went down to the morgue. Maura was working on a body. She glanced up as Jane entered the lab but quickly returned to work. Jane approached the autopsy table and said, "I'm sorry about this morning."

Maura kept her eyes on her work. "It was too soon. I shouldn't have let things go so far last night. I should have known you'd run away this morning."

Jane walked around the table and put her hands on Maura's shoulder, turning Maura so she would look at her. "Look, it's not your fault. It's my own issues. I'm trying to work through them. I really am. I don't want to fuck this up with you."

"Then why can't you talk to me instead of running away when something is bothering you?"

"It wasn't you bothering me, it was Tommy."

"No, it was you reacting to what Tommy said. And running away from talking about it."

"You didn't hear what he said about you."

Maura took her gloves and autopsy gear off and washed her hands. She walked into her office and Jane followed. "It doesn't matter what he said about me. It matters that what I did still bothers you. Does it bother you that I sex with another woman or that I paid for it."

Jane cringed. "I'm not sure."

"I didn't touch her. But I've had many sexual partners in the past, both men and women. Does that bother you?"

"No, I'm not that ridiculous. It bothers me that if I had admitted my feelings for you earlier to myself, none of this would have happened. I hate that you went looking for something that I wasn't giving you. And I hate myself for not being able to get over it."

"Well, understanding what is bothering you is a good step toward fixing it, right? But I don't like being treated this way, especially by you."

"I know. I need to go talk to Tommy, to straighten things out with him. Then I have one other thing to do. Can I come by later tonight when I'm done if it isn't too late?"

"Okay," Maura agreed.

Jane knocked on the door of the guest house. Tommy answered the door and said, "Oh, what do you want?"

Jane walked inside past Tommy and said, "What exactly is your problem Tommy?"

Tommy laughed bitterly and said, "My whole life it's been why can't you behave like your sister Jane? Why can't you be smart like Jane? Why can't you do something with your life like Jane? Ma and Pop, the nuns at school, everyone, they all loved you best and I was just the screw up. And you loved it. You love thinking you're better than me."

Tommy had moved close to Jane and Jane stood her ground. "You know that's complete bullshit, but I didn't come here to fight with you. I know you're into Maura. If I had my shit together Maura and I would have already been together when you met her. But that doesn't matter because she's not just some cheap fuck. And I can't remember the last time you were interested in a woman for a relationship."

"I thought you weren't here to fight," Tommy sneered.

Jane backed away and sat down on a living room couch. "I'm not. I'm here to ask you to keep what you know a secret. Even if it doesn't work out between Maura and I, she will still be part of my life and part of our family. We're the only real family she has. If you think I was Ma's favorite growing up, which I strongly disagree with by the way, Maura is definitely her favorite now. You can't screw that up for Maura."

Tommy was pacing in front of Jane. "Fuck, Jane, I wasn't gonna tell anyone. It's not even a big deal. But last night Ma was going on and on about you and Maura. She's always talking about you and Frankie getting married and having kids. She never says that stuff about me. It just made me so pissed."

"Trust me, you don't want Ma nagging you like that."

Tommy finally stopped pacing and sat down next to Jane. "I want her to treat me normally, like I'm not still a screw-up."

"You just have to concentrate on staying straight and getting your life back to normal. Ma will come around. It seems to me like she's being awfully generous to you."

"Yeah, well, she's more forgiving than you are," Tommy grinned.

"That's true. I gotta go. Are we cool?" Jane said, standing up from the couch.

"Yeah, fine. But you better not fuck up with Maura. If you ruined my chance with her and you fuck it up, I'm gonna be wicked pissed."

Jane had one more stop before being finished for the day. She went up the steps and rang the doorbell of a Back Bay brownstone. When the door opened, she flashed her badge and said, "My name is Detective Rizzoli. We need to talk."