A/N: I had originally planned to have this next chapter in the story, but then decided against it. Well, now, after some consideration, I have decided to bring this chapter back! I'm a bit nervous because I'm not sure if you guys will like it... I mean, I like it and I feel it's important to the story... but maybe you guys won't like it? Or maybe you will like the chapter, but not think it's necessary to the story? Or maybe I just need to shut up, let you review, and find out? I'll do that, just let me explain first.
When I decided to write this story, I wanted to focus on Kate, and create a journey of sorts for her. I wanted to write a story where she really has to question her feelings for Castle, and how they've changed as the story progresses. And in order to maintain those initial values, I have decided to put this chapter back in the story. NEXT chapter is the one that will be difficult for me to write, and so that one may take some more time. Also, I had originally planned to have 13 chapters, but that number may increase 1-3 chapters because as I predicted, this story as strayed away from the first storyline and pretty much gone rogue!
Thanks for all the reviews!
I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science
Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me
I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms
Set Fire to the Third Bar, by Snow Patrol (feat. Martha Wainwright)
As soon as the words are out of Kate's mouth, all hell breaks loose.
She hears the faint sound of gunshots echoing in the lobby, and suddenly, she is thrown backwards, her face burning. She grasps at her face with her hands, trying to comprehend what has happened. When she pulls her hand away, it is covered in blood, and she can feel it trickling down over her lips and she can taste it in her mouth. There a burning over the bridge of her nose, and her temples are pounding. Kate blinds rapidly, trying to focus and ignore the pain.
Moretti is running from her, her blood smeared on his white hair. Then she understands. Moretti must have thrown his head back and hit her in the nose. It's just a nosebleed.
Kate runs forward, after Moretti, but the sound of guns firing and bullets flying through the air cause her to ignore him, and face the door. Three armed men stand in the doorway, and two men are lying behind them, both surrounded by large pools of blood.
Kate manages to fire two shots. She watches the taller of the three men fall to the ground. She's about to fire again when Ryan, who is on her left, shouts and crumples to the ground. Her mind spinning, Kate runs to the only shelter in the room: the desk. She ducks behind it, only to find Esposito already hiding there.
"Espo! What happened?" She had been so focused on Moretti, that she hadn't noticed five gunmen entering the room. Another gunshot hits the glass lamp sitting on the desk, and glass rains down on Kate and Esposito. Kate covers her face instantly, protecting her eyes from the fragments of glass flying everywhere.
"Two SWAT guys were outside, they were both shot! Before we could react, these guys were there shooting!"
Kate hears another body fall to the ground, and she jumps up so she can see above the desk and fires another shot. This time she misses, and almost gets hit herself before she ducks back behind the desk. She hears another body hit the ground. Esposito also jumps up and fires two shots at the men in the doorway. His experience as a sniper must have paid off, because she hears another body fall, and then two sets of feet racing across the granite floor.
Kate jumps up, and so does Esposito. The only person left standing in the room is Lewis. Everyone else is laying on the ground, except the tall, muscular man that had been standing in the doorway and Moretti.
She can't let him get away.
Kate runs for the door, ignoring Esposito and Lewis's calls and protests. She jumps over the bodies of several men, not knowing- nor caring- if they're her friend or foe. She must get Moretti. When she gets to the hallway, she sees two forms retreating: on is Moretti, whose hands are still cuffed behind his back. The other is the missing gunman and one, well placed shot to the back causes his body to crumple, and she knows she won't have to worry about him anymore.
"STOP, MORETTI!" She shouts. He briefly glances at her over his shoulder, but continues to run from her. "Or I will kill you with one shot to your head." For a half of a second, she's afraid that he will ignore her, that he will keep running and she will have to shoot him. But after a moment, he stops. She walks forward, grabs his hands as seven SWAT team members run into the hallway. Two officers immediately take Moretti from her. Reluctantly, she leaves him, and follows the remaining five towards the office.
Two of the members of the SWAT team are lying in the doorway. One is lying in a large pool of blood, while the other is clutching his side, protected by his bulletproof vest, his face contorted in pain. Inside the office, one of the backup SWAT officers is tending to his colleague, who is lying on the ground; his face is covered in blood, though he appears to be breathing on his own. Lewis is crouched next to the man, murmuring something she can't hear to him. She breathes a sigh of relief when the man's mouth moves, saying something back to Lewis that she can't hear.
But her relief is short lived. Beyond the group, next to the desk, Esposito is hovering over Ryan, speaking to him and pressing a cloth to his chest. Kate runs to them, falling to her knees next to Ryan. Ryan seems to have been hit hard. Blood is seeping through his jeans on his right thigh. The blood is pulsing out quickly, with nothing to stop it. Ryan's shoulder is also leaking a steady stream of blood, despite the pressure of Esposito's hands pressed against the wound.
"Beckett, get his leg!" Espo barks at her. Kate rips her vest off, pulls off her grey cotton jacket, and presses it against Ryan's leg. He flinches away in pain.
"I'm so sorry, Kevin." She whispers, wishing she could make the hurting stop.
This is all her fault.
It's too much. It's all that is being talked about in the precinct, on the TV, and the nation. The station is getting dozens of calls from civilians, families of those who had been involved, and reporters. Kate is always surprised by how fast news can travel in six hours.
Kate has been placed on administrative leave pending the investigation of the incident. Every officer on team one and team four are. Not that she cares much. It was inevitable, and she knows they will all be back on the job soon.
Except for the two that are dead, both shot in the neck. Officer Anthony, father of three and member of the team that raided Moretti's office had been one, and the other was Chris Newton, a member of team one. Neither would ever return to their work, their families, their lives. But many others were luckier. There's an older woman and a middle aged man hospitalized for gunshot wounds, they were both bystanders that were hit by stray bullets. Both are expected to make a full recovery, but Kate still can't help but feel guilty. It's her fault that these innocent people were caught in the cross fire. Four other SWAT officers had been hospitalized, two of them from Moretti's office. One was Andrew Freeman, the man who had been clutching his side because of four broken ribs from the impact of bullets hitting his body. There were two others from the lobby, too. One had been shot in the leg while the other had somehow lost his gun, then had been beaten for a short period of time before his assailant had been taken out by one of the other officers. And then, of course, there was Ryan. He had taken a bullet to the right shoulder, but it had missed all his bones and organs. He had also been shot in the right thigh, but again, it had missed the bone. He was lucky. He didn't have a helmet on, and it could have been far worse.
There was one SWAT officer whom Kate did not know the details of her injury; she only knew was that the officer was expected to live. The officer from Moretti's office, who she had assumed was a man, actually turned out to be Melanie Ryland, a twenty-seven year old female. She was the officer who had the bloodied face, the one who Lewis had been talking to. He had been holding her hand, and it seemed that they had already known each other.
Kate had learned all of this back at the precinct after she had been forced to repeat the horrors of the day to multiple people. So many, in fact, that she had lost count. She had watched from the break room as dozens of men walked into the precinct in cuffs, all working with Moretti. She watched as Roger Calock, the mayor of New York at the time of her mother's murder, walk in. Lewis sat at a desk to her right, its previous occupant relocated for the duration of the case. Stacks of paperwork sat on his desk, all of which Kate recognized as the evidence that Castle had been able to gather regarding the case. Following her interviews and statements, she had called her father and explained everything that had happened in the past forty-eight hours. They had both cried.
As soon as she was placed on administrative leave, Kate had taken a cab to the hospital to visit Ryan. He had been in good spirits, joking with her and Esposito, though he had spent a majority of the time reassuring Jenny, Esposito, and her that he really was fine. After about forty-five minutes of talking, he had started to fall asleep, and so, she and Espo had left. He left for the parking garage, and she left for the front of the building where she could hail a cab.
The guilt of what she had done to Ryan, Melanie, and all of the others was eating her alive. The guilt was not merciful enough to swallow her whole. Instead, it picked her apart, piece by piece, slowly ripping her to shreds. The more she thought about the incident, the worse it was, and yet, the less she thought about the day, the worse
The breakdown was coming; it was just a matter of postponing it. But she knew she would welcome the distraction of insanity when it came.
But she's not ready for that right now, and so, she turns and starts walking down the street, not knowing where she's going.
She just wants to escape it all.
Kate isn't sure why she wandered into this shop. She had never really enjoyed beading, and the only jewelry she wears is her mother's ring around her neck and her father's watch. But there's more to it than that.
For as long as she could remember, her father had owned a cabin in the country. Every summer, her family would spend a month there. At first she'd loved it, but then she became a teenager, and her family had started going to the cabin less and less. The last time she had gone there before her shooting had been just a month before her mother's murder. Her family had gone for a week-long Thanksgiving vacation. And although Kate found that she still preferred the city, she didn't mind the countryside as much as she once did. There was an old beading store in the little town next to the lake where their cabin was. During that particular vacation, Kate and her mother had gone to the beading store, bought thousands of glass beads, charms, and wire and spent an entire day making jewelry. It's one of her favorite memories of her mother. Ever since her mother's death, beading always brings back a bittersweet memory and conflicting feelings that she'd rather not face.
Now, thirteen years later, Kate is once again missing someone important to her life. And so, seeing the old "OPEN" sign lit in the front window, she had immediately turned and entered the small, one room store.
Kate had always loved the charms the most. After all, they are what told the story. She searches through animals, plants, objects, people, words, patterns, and gems absentmindedly when one catches her eye.
It's small, only about the size of her mother's ring. Thicker sheets of metal are molded together at a right angle. In between these two rectangles are several small sheets of metal fanned out. Along the edge where all of these rectangles meet, there is a thicker portion which binds it all together. The outside of the small, silver charm is decorated in fragments of glass carefully melted into the silver. Golds, oranges, reds, and white all mix together creating a vibrant, fire-like color.
It's a book. Not just a book, but a book complete with gold, orange and red covers.
It's one of the Nikki Heat books.
She clutches the charm in her palm, looking for a copy, but it's the only one.
Silently, she takes the charm to the cashier. Behind the counter is an aged woman. Her skin is wrinkled and pale, and her hair is white and wispy. Grey eyes have a look of sincerity, and a slight frown holds pity for the woman in front of her. Kate knows why. She must look like a mess. Her hair, arranged in a side-braid, is wet and stringy, and her makeup is smeared and running down her face. She is wearing her spare grey NYU hoodie that she keeps in her desks for emergencies and dark blue jeans. Her moccasins are wet, completely soaked through from the rain, and make a squeaking noise every time she steps.
"How much is this?" Kate asks, wearily.
"That will be $59.99. It's handmade." The old woman explains. Kate nods, and reaches into her wallet for her credit card. The vender takes the card from her, swipes it, and hands it back. Kate leans down and signs the touch-pad, and glances around the shop as the receipt prints.
"Do you like beading?" The elderly woman asks as she gets out a small plastic bad to put the charm in.
"Oh, I don't need a bag." With a slight raise of her eyebrows, the elderly woman slides the charm across the counter to Kate, who is pulling her necklace, which holds her mother's ring, off her neck and over her head. Carefully, she starts to unclip the buckle that secures the necklace shut. As she answers the woman's question she keeps her head down, trying to avoid eye contact. "And no, I don't really like beading much. But I uh..." She glances up, not sure what to say. The woman's face is only kind, with no suspicion or judgment. Kate sighs and continues. "I lost someone important to me, and this charm... it reminds me of him."
Carefully, Kate locks the clasp of the necklace and slides it back over her head. The ring and the charm are perfect for one another. The book seems to have been made to be accompanied by the ring, which sits nestled in between the pages. She fingers it gently; twirling it and watching as the bright silver of the ring and the orange flame of the book blend together, creating a gold, flame-like blur.
As Kate leaves the store, she can't help but feel the extra weight of the silver book. She now carries two ornaments for the lives she lost, and just one for a life she saved. With a sad smile, Kate steps back out into the rain, determined to carry one more token by the time she dies: a token representing another life she had saved. She owes it to Castle to ensure that his death had more meaning that catching her mother's killer.
There are plenty of lives to save, plenty of people that need help, but no matter how hard she tires, Kate can't figure out what life would matter most to Castle.
Once again, Kate isn't exactly sure what it was about this business that caused her to turn abruptly and enter its doors. There's nothing very special about the building. Old floorboards echo under her feet and faded lamps make it nearly impossible to see. The chair that she settles into at the counter feels like it might collapse at any second. The counter is sticky, and feels as though it has a permanent layer of grease and dirt on it. Kate hopes this isn't becoming a trend. She has long accepted the fact that she was a bit of a control freak, and so, naturally, she dislikes how unpredictable her emotions and thoughts are right now. But, again, in reality she does understand why she came to this abandon bar.
She wants an easy way out. If there's anything she has learned from her dad's reaction to her mother's death, it's that drinking is easy, and it is most definitely a way out.
So, when the bartender comes over, Kate orders some scotch. After she drinks that in one gulp, she orders another, and another, and another. She keeps drinking, just for the sake of forgetting. After a few drinks, her mind really starts to get jumbled. She feels like she has so many things to focus on, and yet she can only focus on one: Castle's death. And so she orders another drink, and then another. After a while, the bartender stops bringing them, but she'd too far gone to notice. At one point, he attempts to talk to her.
"Bad day?" He asks, his voice gruff, but still sincere.
"My partner was shot." She replies. Her words are strung together in a robotic manner, and her eyes have glazed over.
"Is there someone I should call?" He asks, but she has already wandered off towards the piano, humming "Piano Man" under her breath and remembering better times.
After a while of aimlessly wandering around the empty bar Kate comes back to her seat. She quickly falls asleep, dreaming of a world where Castle was back. But then, she's being jolted awake by Lanie.
"C'mon, honey. Let's get you home." Lanie say sympathetically as she lays some money on the counter of the bar. Kate just stares ahead, unable to focus, so Lanie grabs her arm and yanks her up off her seat. Clumsily, Kate follows Lanie as the walk out the door of the bar, through the streets, and to Lanie's car. They drive without speaking or listening to the radio. It's silent except for the noise of the traffic and occasional siren that are common in New York City. When they get to Lanie's apartment, Kate is immediately handed a pair of shorts and a tank top and a toothbrush. Kate stumbles into the bathroom, throws up, and when she's ready, walks out to the living room where she last saw Lanie.
"'Night, Kate. If you need anything, let me know, 'kay?" Lanie asks. Kate just nods. Suddenly, the long couch with sheets and a thick comforter laying on it look extremely appealing. All she wants to do is sleep. As she lies down on the couch, Kate noticed the trash bin sitting at the head of the couch and the bottle of Gatorade sitting next to it. She is about to make a mental note to thank Lanie, but falls asleep before her sluggish mind has time to process it.
Kate sleeps late. It's about ten-thirty when she finally wakes. She's still exhausted, yet can't bring herself to fall asleep. A pounding headache and a churning stomach cause her to sit back down as soon as she attempts to stand. After about a half hour of lying awake on the couch, staring at the ceiling, Kate once again tries to stand. She makes it, but immediately rushes towards the garbage can, throwing up once more. When she is done, she bends down and picks up the Gatorade. Cautiously, she opens the Gatorade and takes a sip. It stays down, and suddenly overwhelmed by thirst, Kate takes another sip before turning to face Lanie.
"Hey." She rasps.
"Hey honey. How you feeling?" Lanie asks gently. She is sitting at the kitchen table, reading a magazine.
"Terrible." Kate replies honestly.
"Based on how much you had to drink last night, I thought you would." Lanie explains, then turns back to her magazine. Kate takes another sip of Gatorade, then joins Lanie at a table, picks up another magazine, and begins to read.
The rest of the day is spent cleaning Lanie's apartment. Vacuuming, dusting, washing sinks, doing laundry, and mopping the kitchen floor. They don't talk much, but Kate is just happy to have something to do. For dinner, Lanie asks what Kate wants to eat, and automatically, she requests Thai. But the memories are too present and painful, so she quickly changes her mind and explains that pizza would be better. After dinner, they watch a movie. It's some classic that has Lanie in tears, and Kate staring at the screen, glossy-eyed, thinking of Castle. After the movie, Lanie goes to her room, and Kate retreats to the couch. She cries for hours before she finally falls asleep.
The next morning, Lanie is kind enough to pretend that she didn't hear Kate's sobs the night before and instead sips coffee while the two talk. They don't mention Castle or Moretti, the just talk about movies they want to see, books they've read, and renovating Lanie's apartment. At about noon, Lanie explains that she has some errands to run, but Kate choses to stay behind. Lanie's about to close the door, when Kate stops her with a question.
"Lanie?" Kate calls. Lanie walks back into the apartment. She looks at Kate for a moment before replying.
"What?"
"Why did you and Javi break up?" The question is asked quietly, and in a somewhat childish tone.
"I... I don't know." Lanie admits, then pauses to think. "I guess we couldn't understand what the other wanted and how they felt." She says with a shrug. Kate just looks away and nods, causing Lanie to think even deeper. "But now, it seems so stupid." She leaves before Kate can reply.
Kate spends the rest of the day reading Naked Heat. She gets to page fifty-seven when she understands.
Kate runs to Lanie's bathroom to shower. She then scribbles a quick note of thanks to Lanie and explains where she is going. A quick cab ride takes Kate to her own apartment, where she changes into jeans and a dark blue button down shirt. When Kate finally turns to leave her apartment she feels somewhat comforted, because she knows what life Castle would have wanted her to save.
He would have wanted her to be saved from herself.