CHAPTER TEN. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE DONE THREE UPDATES IN ONE WEEK. WELL, THERE ISN'T MUCH TO SAY HERE. DICK WOLF IS DICK WOLFING US ALL BY HOLDING UP NEGOTIATIONS TO #RENEWSVU BUT THE CHARACTERS ARE HIS SO I HAVE TO GIVE CREDIT. ENJOY.
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AMANDA'S APARTMENT
I stayed with Olivia the entire day, only leaving when she'd finally fallen asleep. I can't believe how utterly cruel life could be. She'd wanted that baby desperately but lost it, yet here I am, I can't get rid of this one no matter how hard I try!
I got home that night and all I wanted was a drink but I didn't do it, my head was too heavy and my exhaustion was setting in. I'd been having a thought running through my mind all day; one that I didn't even need to question myself about because I knew in my heart that it was right. The problem was executing it, but I would figure it out tomorrow, I promised myself as I climbed into bed falling fast asleep only to be terrorized by another nightmare.
I was standing in a long, empty corridor and the same beautiful little girl I'd seen in another dream appeared in front of me, looking up at me with big, sad eyes and then running away. I ran after her just in time to see her run into one of the doors at the end of that long corridor and the door closed behind her. When I finally reached the door, I opened it to see myself on a bed being raped all over again only, I was very heavily pregnant. I was being held down by some of them while the others violated me. I stood in the doorway watching this grotesque scene and after a moment, while his hand gripped my throat and he continued to ravage my other self, Chad looked over at the me in the doorway and with the most evil expression in his cold blue eyes, he said "Admit it, bitch, you loved it!" and then proceed to plunge a jagged edged knife into the pregnant belly of my other self. At that point, I startled awake screaming, my heart beating fast and hard as my hands flew to my stomach and I nearly hyperventilated there in the dark. Before I hastily got out of bed and peeled of my pajamas as I made my way to the bathroom, quickly turning on the hot water in the shower and scrubbing myself even more meticulously than I'd done after the stranger had left my apartment this morning.
...
I found myself in the kitchen moments later attempting to drink a glass of water but my stomach was upset and I couldn't get it down
"Damn this!" I said out loud to myself. I keep seeing the assault over and over in my dreams but this one had to be the worst!
I turned off the kitchen light and made my way back to my bedroom. 1:17am blinked from the bedside clock. I stripped the linens from the bed and put on fresh ones, then proceeded to scrub the entire room, top to bottom and did the same with the bathroom. By 4am, I had cleaned the entire apartment and now sat on my sofa with my feet propped up on the coffee table, drumming my fingers on top of my tiny bump and I couldn't help but think about Olivia
The doctor said that even in healthy pregnancies, sometimes it just…happens.
"It happened to the wrong one!" I said out loud just as I felt the spawn move inside me.
"Please stop! Why can't you just lay low until you're out?" I begged but the fluttering continued "look…I'm sorry if you think I'm a terrible person; I'm really not. It's just, you weren't part of my plan…not that I planned it to ever happen the way it did, but it did and I'm ever gonna be able to get past that fact; but I know somebody who can. She will love you with everything she has…I promise. You won't know about me and it's best that way because, you and me, we don't need each other. You'll have her and that'll more than make up for everything I can't be to you…I'm just not strong enough."
I knew from the very moment I left Olivia's apartment, what I wanted to do; I just needed to wait for the right time to put it in front of her.
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TWO WEEKS LATER
I decided that if I was going to do this, I had to get my attitude in check and that meant prenatal care. I had to make sure that this thing was healthy if I was going to carry it to term and I started seeing an obstetrician. I was thankful to find out that all the shit I'd done hadn't harmed it and I made a vow to do everything the doctor told me as long as I carried. I still didn't know if Olivia would even be receptive to this but if she was, I would make damn sure that I gave her a healthy kid!
I headed home after stopping to pick up my prenatal vitamins and my phone began ringing the second I got in the door.
"Sara"
"It's been two weeks, weren't you supposed to call me about a certain procedure?"
"Oh, that"
"So you in or nah?"
"Um…nah."
"The fuck? Did you lose it?"
"No, it's here I just…I'm gonna have it."
"Why?"
"I'm giving it up for adoption"
"Let me get this straight; you're gonna traumatize your cooch, get stretch marks and leaky tits so someone else can be mommy?""
"I didn't expect you to get it."
"What the fuck does that mean?"
"It means that you're not the most selfless person I've ever met." I said as I began looking through the mail I had put on the counter.
"Fuck selfless! It is ALL about the Sara; besides, that loving and giving bullshit is way overrated! I gave a bum a dollar once, he didn't even say thank you…filthy fuck!"
I couldn't believe my eyes when I'd gotten halfway through the stack.
"Wow!"
"Hey, I'm just tellin it like it is and you need to lose that conscience, shit's gonna do you in one day! I swear Mandy, sometimes I wonder how the hell we're even friends!"
"You know, I wonder the same thing lately." Which was true; the more time I'd been spending with Liv, Sara was becoming less and less interesting to me
"Whatever, bitch! Anyway, my dick's here, call you tomorrow!"
I ended the call and looked again at the envelope in my hand; Federal Bureau of Investigation. I had been trying for the better part of the past year trying to get in; tests, interviews, psych evaluations and then nothing. I hadn't heard a word since 2 weeks before the night of my…and now here I am with a letter in my hand. I took a deep breath before I opened the envelope and with a shaky hand, removed the letter.
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SIXTEENTH PRECINCT LATE EVENING
It was just after ten when I walked into the squad room and was surprised to be greeted by Fin who was on his way out.
"Fin, hey!"
"Hey partner, long time no see!" he said as he pulled me into a big hug.
"Missed you too, you headin home?"
"No such luck, DV call. We'll catch up later
"Liv in her office?"
"You know Liv, never slows down" he said as he turned to leave. I took a look around the squad room before heading to Liv's office. Gotta say, I really miss being here.
I knocked on the door as I opened it and stepped inside to find Olivia going over case files at her desk. Two weeks after the miscarriage and she still looked worn out.
"Got a minute?" I asked
"I could use a break" she said as she got up from her desk and perched herself on the front of it as I took a seat in one of the chairs. "What's going on?"
"Um a couple of things" I said as I handed her the letter
"You got in!" she exclaimed as she read the letter. "Congratulations!"
"Thanks, I start training in six months."
"I'll hate to see you go. We'll miss you around here."
"I'll miss bein here."
"Maybe a fresh start is just what you need." She said as she handed the letter back to me.
"I hope so. But hey, six months is still pretty far off…Liv, I um need to talk to you."
"I'm listening"
"I've been thinking…about um…you've helped me so much with; even while you've been dealing with…" I was a stammering mess as I sat fidgeting with my hands
"Amanda it's ok. You can say it, I won't break."
"I just…you deserve some happiness and I was thinking; more wondering…" I took a deep breath "I want you to meet someone."
"Now?" she asked, her eyebrow raised. I nodded nervously as I handed her the picture from my purse.
"Who's this?" she asked before she had a chance to turn the picture over and look at it.
"Your daughter…" I replied just as she looked at the picture, shock and confusion registering on her face.
"I don't understand" her eyes were filled with tears and I began to cry as well.
"Liv I'm pregnant and I want you to have her."
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There. The secret's out. Happy now? Good. Show me some appreciation in the reviews, I love hearing from you guys, good or bad. Until next time my friends. Thanks for reading!