A/N: Happy New Year, everyone! Akimashite Omedetou Gozaimasu! I am wishing everyone a very very happy new year! I look forward to this 2014 because I have a feeling that this will be great year for me (according to my intuition and according to the 2014 Chinese Horoscope). Hihihi, let us all remain positive as always!
This chapter is about Levi. It's my own take on what happened to him when he was young. He is probably 10 years old during this chapter. This was written in first person POV and I have to admit it was pretty challenging but fun! I hope I did this Levi chapter, justice! :3
Special Thanks to Miu and Guest for reviewing the last chapter! Miu? Am I right in thinking you're KawaiiMiu? :) I am very humbled with your comment. To be honest it's the best comment I've got so far. Underrated? Wow. I'm so deeply honoured. Thank you! :) It doesn't matter if it's underrated, as long there are people who continue to read and love this fic, I'm more than happy to write the next chapter! *sending you a virtual levi plushie* And to guest, you are amazing too! :) I hope you enjoy Ami as much as I do!
Disclaimer: I do not own SnK. But I hope you guys would love Levi even more…like I do! :) Enjoy!
Chapter 9
Levi and Sera – Part 1
I suppose I have always felt this way…
…whenever I looked up…
And stared at her…
…she was wearing her unusual grey…
…she seemed to recede…
Weak...
…confused…
And broken…
Hiding herself…
…so that no one would know…
How shameful she was…
She stared at me…
…with those pitiful and mournful eyes…
My chest throbbed…
Why is it?...
…I know…
I know what it is…
…she didn't want me to feel this way…
…towards her…
…as if she was telling me…
In a crying whisper…
Please…don't look at me with those eyes…
…they fell down again…
… plummeting gracefully but crashing roughly…
Barely…
Please…
…Its mute voice made me look down…
At the small ripples…that it left behind…
I was wondering how long it has been…
Since I have thought this way…
…about her…
I held out my hand…
Reaching out…
But…
Without fail…
…she continued to cry…
…weeping hard…
…why was she crying in the first place?
I really don't know…
But…
I wanted to hug her back…
To stop her from crying…
…Make her stop…
Drip.
Eh…? I felt surprised. My cheek feels wet.
What's this…?
Drip. Drip. Drip.
Eh…?There it was again.
I struggled.
No…stop…
My face is going to get wet…
I screamed hard.
Please stop…
Drip.
Stop it, I say!
I gritted my teeth in anger.
I felt confused.
Why won't you listen to me?!
Drip.
I breathed in.
My body trembled.
I was infuriated.
Why is nobody listening to me?!
Drip. Drip. Drip.
Fuck you!
I shouted.
I can feel all the hair in my hands stand.
Fuck everyone in this world!
Drip.
I screamed my entire heart out, glaring at those pitiful eyes staring back at me.
I felt furious.
But more than that…
More than anything…
I was ashamed of myself too…
I HOPE YOU ALL DIEEEEEE!
Drip.
DIEEEEE!
I screeched out.
But I couldn't hear my voice…
…although….
For sure…
…I said it...
I said those words…
DIE ALL OF YOU!
Drip. Drip. Drip.
I could feel my cheeks swell…
My anger refusing to retreat….
I could hear my own breathing…
Getting heavier by the second…
…I couldn't take it anymore…
I couldn't…
…yes…
I do hope…
Drip.
…from the bottom of my heart…
Drip. Drip. Drip.
My voice came out and I unconsciously hissed…
… glaring at those distress-filled eyes set upon me…
"I die…"
Drip.
"Someone…"
My shaking voice frightened me…
…but…
"PLEASE KILL ME…"
Drip.
…I had enough…
Out of all the people in this world would someone…
….please….
…tell me….
Drip.
Please tell me…
My vision became blurry and I closed my eyes.
I couldn't see anything but I could feel that my entire soul was masticated by my frightening conscience...
I don't want to live anymore…
I give up…
You win…
I lose…
but…
I didn't do anything wrong…
It wasn't my fault…
Why…
…did you have to take her away…?
Why?
I….
Anyone but her….
…why?...
WHY?!
Drip.
"Why me…?"
"Ah! There you are!"
She giggled, looking bright as always as she parked herself beside me, wearing her usual smile.
A smile that I thought was enough to lift her spirits.
And sometimes, mine.
"Why are you here?"
I furrowed my brows, glaring at her.
"Sera?"
She glared back at me.
"Nii-chan, you're so mean!"
She pouted as her eyes became puffy.
"I chased you all the way here after you ran out! Really!"
She whined, looking disappointed.
"I was worried about you!"
Worried? I mentally nodded.
She was really 'that' type of person.
Sometimes, I think my sister too good to be true.
Always worrying for others, especially for a raging and impulsive older brother like me.
There are times that I think that I don't deserve her…
…But, I came to accept what little hope and happiness I have in my life.
And she was the very reason why I continue to fight…
…life…
…and everything that comes with it…
She smiled at me.
"When you ran out I thought you look like a monster!"
She tittered and my frown grew deeper.
"Nii-chan!"
She touched both of my eyebrows with her fingers.
"See! I was right!"
She laughed again.
"Nii-chan, you should really stop being hysterical! You look like a displeased gorilla when you scurried away!"
She let out a guffaw and I felt like biting her fingers.
Sera held in her breath, trying her best to control her laughter and to not provoke me any further.
She pushed my eyebrows again.
"Nii-chan, loosen up! You get angry easily!"
She gazed at me.
Dark blue eyes complimenting mine…
…but somehow…
They felt really warm…
Her gaze was warm…
Her entirety was warm…
…I can't help but be overwhelmed with it…
I felt better…
Sera always has this magic that even I can't refuse…
Yet, all of a sudden, her expression changed…
…and she looked at me with "those" eyes.
"Please forgive her…"
She spoke softly but I could feel my chest throb in pain.
Truthfully, I was surprise with her words.
It's not like it was her fault.
It was me who got angry first.
Well…I'm always like that.
My feelings get the best out of me.
And, I couldn't help but explode at times.
But…
Sometimes…
…I couldn't blame myself…
…I couldn't blame anyone at all…
However, I just…
…these feelings…
Consume me…
…irritate me…
…and I can't help but push all the blame on her…
Her weakness makes me sick…
Her stupidity infuriates me…
I just…
If only she was stronger, we wouldn't end up like this…
"Ah! It's going to rain, soon!"
Her voice broke me off from my daze.
"Let's get going, Onii-chan!"
"I don't want to."
My response was abrupt and harsh.
I could feel her wincing a little in shock as I clenched my fists hard.
I really didn't want to say those words to her…
Anyone but Sera…
I could feel Sera breathing deeply.
Usually, when she does that, she's thinking hard.
What could she be thinking?
Is it about me?
Is she tired of me?
I suppose not...
Sera is really kind…
Patient…loving…
and sometimes…
Hmmm…stupid...
I was trying to think of a nicer term but I think it fits her perfectly well.
If she hears about what I'm thinking right now, she would probably hit me,
But this is a secret between me and myself.
As for Sera…
Now that I think about it…
…she resembles her so much…
Perhaps…too kind…
How about me? Whom do I resemble?
I gritted my teeth in displeasure. Don't tell me that good-for-no-…
Oh, never mind.
I should really stop thinking about these thoughts. It's not good for my health.
I sighed to release my anxiety.
Well, to be honest, it's not good for my entire being.
If I can, I'd like forget it all…
…to forget about them all…
However…
…this strong destructive force keeps on lingering to me like a bear clutching its prey…
I am a prey after all…
but…
…it's just so…
Unforgiving…
…merciless…
and…
…cruel…
Yes, the world is cruel…
Especially to me…
…to us…
How can I get out of this?
How can I get Sera out of this?
How can we run away and never look back to whatever we left behind?
How?
Another long breath disturbed my inner reflections.
Sera is really thinking hard isn't she? I almost forgot that she was there.
Uhm…Why was she here in the first place again?
I mentally palmed my fist.
She chased after me…
I thought hard. My inner thoughts seem to jumble my brain.
I have kept a lot inside that's why they detonated earlier.
I-…
…why did she chase after me again?
…I thought harder.
My eyes widened upon remembering something that happened a couple of hours ago…
Why did I even bother to remember?
The throbbing pain grew harsher but I tried my best to look calm so that Sera wouldn't notice.
Deep in my heart…what I truly wanted to have is…
What I wanted is-…
Drip.
I just want to forget it all…
"Just one more to go…"
I uttered as I filled the barrel with the water from my bucket.
I can tell from Sera's expression that the sound of gushing water was like music to her ears.
She's the same as always, so easy to read.
I sighed in relief upon seeing that smile on her face.
"Just one more to go!"
She exclaimed, raising her fist in midair.
Really, she's so simple-minded and easily pleased.
Though it irritates me at times, I can't help but feel relieved.
"Thank you for the hard work, you two."
A raspy yet hushed voice echoed in the background distracting our attention for a moment.
I looked at the person who was sitting near the window across us.
The dullness of the sky seemed to reflect her inner musings…
Or perhaps, her entire self…
Yet, she was smiling…
It was almost as if it was the same as Sera's smile...
Calm…
Warm…
…and lifting…
But…
I hate that smile…
I looked at her, refusing to give her any clue of what I feel…
…how I used to feel…
…and how I will feel from hereon now…
Yet, she continued to smile…
Those crescent eyes looked harmless and comforting…
…yet for some reason…
…I don't want to give in to them…
Everything about them was so wrong…
…It was like…
…a beautiful nightmare…
Deceiving my broken self…
…and my sister's innocent being…
…or so I thought…
But…
She gazed at me, half-opening her soft-brown eyes…
"Thank you for all your hard work, Levi..."
I mildly shuddered at her words. But I tried my best to stay strong… refusing to surrender to that gaze.
That longing gaze that was hoping to reach me…
…needing me…
…wanting me to come back…
…come back to her…
But sadly…
I couldn't…
"Come here…"
She spoke out softly once again and I mildly twitched my brows…
"Levi…"
She...speaking out my name…felt nostalgic…
It resounded on my ear…
…filling parts of my memory that I couldn't remember anymore…
A very far memory…
"Levi?"
She spoke my name again and unconsciously my feet moved on its own.
I didn't want to…
Stop moving!
I shouted at my inner self…
…but…
… they just kept on moving…
On their own…
…against my will…
…and there was nothing that I can do about it…
nothing…
Nothing at all…
"Good boy as always…"
She tousled my hair…
… it felt so uncomfortable…
… I didn't want her to touch them…
But…
Her gentle strokes…
And her smooth skin that slid on my scalp…
Were somehow enough to soothe my crippled agonizing soul…
I looked up and stared at her…
Those glinting golden brown eyes that reflected my retreating blue ones…
…seem to tarnish the guilt that I felt for despising her…
I felt my mouth move on its own…
"Oka-"
"You look just like him."
"Eh?"
I shuddered upon hearing those words….
Feeling all the air sucked out from my lungs…
…I couldn't believe my ears…
She breathed in…
Gazing at me still with those longing eyes…
"Just like him…"
I couldn't breathe…
My heart stopped moving…
My eyes stared blankly at the blurry surroundings that seemed to disrupt my vision…
...My dreams…
…or better yet…
…delusions about her that occurred in a split moment…
…came crushing right before my very eyes…
And the numbness that conjoined me…
… gripped my neck even tighter…
This was the nightmare…
"I hope he returns soon…"
She spoke out again…
…oblivious to the damage she had caused…
My brain was refusing to take in her words but unfortunately…
…painful as they are…
… they penetrated through…
I'm so pathetic…
…thinking…
or better yet…
Hoping…
…that things can change…
But they can't…and they never would….
I lowered my gaze…defeated…
…again…
…as numbness continue to devour my entire being…
"If he returns tomorrow, I'll sure make him a feast!"
She softly giggled and I can feel my palms turning into fists…
"And, I'll prepare him a nice hot bath…I'm sure he's exhausted!"
She tittered again as tears formed from her eyes…she had that satisfied look on her face whenever she talks about him…
She looked so happy…very happy…
But...
...ENOUGH!
That expression on her face...
...whenever she speaks about him is the cause of my mishap…
Sera's mishap…
...And this entire nightmare…
"I want to see him…"
She smiled softly at the both of us
…and at that very second…
I gave up…
"Stop it."
My voice was husky… I wasn't aware of what I said…
She has to hear…
NO!
She needs to hear!
"Eh?"
Her eyes widened…unsure of what she heard…
"Levi, are you okay?"
She looked nervous…
… Everything inside me raged in chaos.
"STOP FUCKING AROUND!"
I gritted my teeth in anger.
I wanted to scream and send them all out of the room to satisfy this vengeful ego…
She stared at me, golden eyes suffering in confusion…
"Wha-"
"ENOUGH!"
I cut her off with another shout.
"I miss him I want to see him!"
I hissed, glaring at her.
"WOULD YOU STOP THAT ALREADY?!"
Tears started to fall down on her face but she remained wide-eyed, shocked with what I screamed out.
My glare grew intense and I noticed that she mildly winced at my outburst.
It satisfied me a little but I was far from finished…
I refuse go easy on her…
I masticated her with my words…
…the pain just kept searing from within…
"Did you ever think about how we feel..?"
My tone turned harsher…
"DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT HOW SERA FEELS?!"
"Onii-chan..."
Sera spoke out; I can hear soft cries in the background. But I couldn't help it. I just couldn't stop.
"The kids from the Shiganshina would tease her..."
I breathed in, disgusted about the thought in my head as I convulsed in anger…
"...and would throw things at her...and when they see her lying on the ground, defeated, they would mock her even more saying..."
I growled.
"…saying..."
As those thoughts reoccur in my mind, I could feel them pierce my chest...
Assaulting the remaining peace left in my conscience...
…I was so furious and I felt like burning everything together with me...
"Saying..."
I heaved out as tears cascaded down my eyes…
"That she's the daughter of a MURDERER!"
She flinched upon hearing what I said.
The expression on her face changed.
I'm not sure what to make out of it…
...but she gazed at Sera...
…for so long…
...and tears overwhelmed her eyes again...
But I didn't pity her…
…and I never would…
…never again…
"Sera would cry herself to sleep every night..."
I snarled, looking her in the eye.
"…But did you even care?!"
I clenched my fists tighter.
"DID YOU FOR ONCE…EVEN CARE?!"
I unconsciously gazed down, heaving out louder than ever…
My chest throbbed bitterly in anguish…
…I want to make her feel the same pain that she was putting us through…
So that she can have a bit of idea…
How cruel it was for us to exist in this world…
"All you do is look out that window and wait for his return…"
I hissed, raising my head and glaring at her once again.
"If he did really care about us…"
It was getting harder to breathe and I could feel my entire body trembling in rage.
"He wouldn't have just left us here to starve and get picked on by other people!"
I bellowed mindlessly, stabbing her every moment I release my thoughts.
"If he did give a damn about us, he wouldn't have used his fists against us!"
More tears fell down on her face and I could hear soft excruciating sounds coming out from her mouth.
I was so pathetic…
Seeing her suffer like that made me fill triumphant and at the same disgusted of who I was…
or better yet…
…ofwho I have become…
I can never fix this…
…and I was not hoping to…
"If he did really care about us…"
I finally lost it...
"He wouldn't even MURDER!"
The last word made her retreat at the edge of her seat.
She cringed in fear, looking agonized, pained and frightened…
Like a little girl lost in the middle of nowhere…
"But the thing is…he did!"
My voice was getting louder, angrier.
"So isn't that enough to tell you that he didn't care about us?!"
I bellowed at the top of my lungs.
"Not even once!"
"No that's not true-, your father is-"
"THAT'S ENOUGH!"
I banged the table beside me.
She was speechless as she gazed at me with swollen eyes, blinking in disbelief.
I can feel the harshness of my breathing grow worse by the second…
…every second seemed so long…
And Sera's reverberating cries just made the situation unbearable…
I slowly raised my head and attacked her with my loathe-filled glare.
"If that murderer is my father-,"
The words just went out…
…my ego exploded…
"I'd rather not have a father at all!"
I shouted… the hardest that I can…feeling neither guilt nor remorse.
"I hate being his child!"
I growled, glowering at her still.
"I hate being your child!"
She winced; her eyes were swollen than ever.
"It would've been better if I didn't exist at all!"
Silence…
…followed…
The words I was meaning to say my entire life…
…that deep dark feeling of suffering that I felt over and over again…
Haunting me…
Devouring me…
…destroying the entire me…
It is all your fault…
I unconsciously muttered, breathing heavily.
"It would have been better if Sera and I didn't exist at all!"
I meant it.
I really do.
I hate seeing Sera cry.
I hate seeing myself unable to do anything whenever she cried.
But what I hate the most is…
..You…
Giving up without a fight…
…I hate the entire you….
"Onii-chan...stop it...Okaa-san is..."
Sera spoke out, trembling and crying at the same time.
But what followed afterwards was bittersweet torture.
She wept….
Screaming out her agony…
Hugging herself as she convulsed…
In pain…
In guilt…
In distress…
She rested her forehead on her knees…
Burying them deeper with each cry…
And screaming in between her sobs…
I won…
I finally won…
Now you understand…
Now you finally got a glimpse of our 'reality'…
But…
…why don't I feel happy?
"Sera and I-"
I mindlessly uttered.
My mouth moved on its own again…
"We're still here, aren't we?"
I staggered on my words…
But I continued against my will.
"…We're still breathing…"
Something fell down from my eyes, and I could see it reflecting my image on the ground…
"…Aren't we?"
She stopped crying…
Silence…
But slowly, she raised her head…
And gazed at me with 'those' eyes…
…those longing tearful eyes…
"Okaa-san...why-"
I halted, hesitating a little…
But…
"Why…did you give up a long time ago?"
Why did you give up living for us?
The chill coming from those words proved to be unbearable even for me.
But this is what I wanted, right?
I wanted her to suffer as well…
To be selfish and put all the blame to her…
But how come?...
How come?...
I was not one bit happy…
Not one bit…
She remained quiet…
Focusing her gaze on me…
Not saying a word…
…not moving an inch…
…she just sat there…
…dazed…
What is she thinking about?
I don't know…
I don't even want to know…
but I…
…atleast…
Should be brave enough to accept this consequence…
"I...never say anything..."
My voice was deep but harsh still.
"-because I hoped that one day things could change…"
I closed my eyes; the chaos inside me slowly retreated.
"But I had enough..."
I do…
I turned around.
What awaited me was my greatest fear.
If there's one thing I regret doing in this lifetime it would be…
…the day that I made Sera cry…
That crestfallen expression on her face as she sniffed in and rubbed her eyes furiously in despair…
I….
Couldn't bring myself to look at her…
First, I cursed my mother to ease my selfishness…
The next second I felt like bearing the entire burden of the world…
…How harsh can reality get?
Forgive me…Sera…
"Levi-"
I blinked my eyes, confused.
Was I hallucinating or…
"Forgive me..."
No…
I wasn't….
"Forgive me…my son…"
It was her voice….
…that frail tone her voice carries…
…and its breathiness…
I couldn't believe it…
I refuse to believe it…
It was too good to be true….
…And for a moment…
I wanted to believe in her again…
Believe that things can change…
Believe in that tiny hope that I held on to for a long time…
But…
I was wrong…
She spoke again, tears rushing down her cheeks.
She looked down on the ground and trembled as she uttered in a low voice.
"But I...your father..."
I was deceived…
…once again…
"I love him so much..."
I shuddered upon hearing those words as my palms turned to fists.
"How about…"
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
I was…
…honestly afraid…
...to know….
…very afraid…
My breathing stopped, but my thoughts remained unrestrained…
"Sera and I?"
She kept quiet but slowly looked at me…
I avoided her gaze…
…and I guess…
….it was the right thing to do…
She breathed out.
"I...still...want to see him so bad..."
"I see..."
That's all I can say.
My mind was blank…
My soul was empty…
…It was as if my entire body was drifting…
Into a trance…
….a long trance…
It doesn't matter…
…as long I reach my destination…
…oblivion…
I would be more than happy to sleep forever…
…to forget about everything…
"I hope the rumours are true..."
Wide-eyed, she looked at me.
Sera stopped crying too and I can tell that she was patiently listening.
I snickered.
"That he's already dead..."
I felt victory upon uttering those words.
I even smiled to myself, amused at the thought of his inexistence and her deepening pain.
It was all your fault after all…
"NO!"
She cried out…desperately…
"Please no!"
She shuddered and embraced herself again but I don't care anymore…
I don't…
"HOW-COULD-YOU-SAY-SUCH-WORDS?!"
"And I hope..."
There's no turning back…
…this will be the last time…
"…You died-"
Numbness…
….creeping in again…
"-together with him…"
We can never go back to the way it never used to be…
I didn't know what happened next…
My vision turned into darkness…
…everywhere…
I look…
…I could only see this deep hue clouding my sight…
I didn't mind…
…I honestly wished to stay here…
…For as long as I can…
but…
…there was another thing that came into view…
Forcing its way in…
…just to have a glimpse of me… defeated…
…those grey eyes…
A/N: What do you think of this Levi chapter guys? I know I abused the "art of spacing" in this chapter but I'd like to emit a 'Levi feel' by utilizing those spaces. Haha. I hope that worked. :3 What did you think about the older brother concept? And about Sera? Please let me know what you think! :3
School has just started and in two months I'll be bidding my University Days goodbye. *sigh* I'm getting old. Haha. But one thing's for sure, I'll try my best to update on a regular basis. Most probably within 2-3 weeks. This is the first story that I would really love to finish! However, I'm having a hard time on controlling my 'imagination'.
Let me explain, I watched Kuroko no Basuke last week and unfortunately/fortunately another fic came into mind. Haha. I promise this fic will be amazingly fun. :3 KiseXOC. And the OC will have something to do w/ Kuroko. :3 I would probably write this one in April! If you guys watch KnB I hope you would read this fic as well! :) But I will focus on Ami for the meantime. Levi and Sera part 2 next! Thank you again for reading guys! :) More craziness this 2014! :)