For the first thirty minutes of the drive, I was excited. I hadn't been to the cabin in a long time and I had lots of great memories with Deacon there. I tried to tell myself that I was really just going up there to talk. But I knew exactly why I was going. I'd had more than a month to watch Deacon and I was convinced that he had turned the corner, that he had figured out how to beat his drinking problem. I had not seen even a hint that he'd been drinking. No missed sessions, no lates, no hangovers. He looked good, he sounded good.

I had continued to date Teddy during this time, but I found myself wondering about breaking up with him. I wanted Deacon back and I knew that Teddy, while nice and sweet to me, just wasn't someone I wanted to spend my life with. In my mind I started to plan the conversation where I told Teddy I didn't want to see him anymore. I smiled to myself. I knew that when Deacon and I got to the cabin, there would be very little talking. I knew exactly why he'd asked me there.

But the drive was long enough that I started to think back on all the times that Deacon had seemed good, when his eyes were clear and he didn't smell like whiskey and sweat and sick. And then I'd come home one day and he'd be passed out on the couch with an empty bottle next to him or he'd be gone and I'd find him in a bar, passed out on a table or in a bathroom.

He'd been to rehab three times. But they hadn't worked. Not really. I found myself wondering if he'd disappoint me again this time. Or had he finally figured out how to make it work on his own? He had told me more than once that he had demons in his past that he couldn't get past, that he drank to forget, but he wouldn't tell me what they were. Had he finally gotten rid of the demons?

I started to feel nervous about what I was doing. Teddy was back in Nashville and had no idea that I was driving to the cabin. He was safe and comfortable. There was a lot to be said for a life that wasn't filled with drama and fear and worry. I thought about turning around. A voice in my head told me that I needed to go back. That nothing really would be different if I kept going. And so I decided that at the next exit I would get off and turn around. Deacon might not even notice until he got to the cabin and I didn't show up.

The exit came and went. I was torn. On the one hand, there was Teddy, with the promise of a good life, a stable life. But then there was Deacon, who made my heart race and who I loved more than life. I thought about Teddy, so respectful of me, so adoring, so caring. No, I didn't have off-the-chart orgasms with him and I didn't yearn for his touch, but what we had seemed like, well, I wasn't exactly sure what it seemed like. Except that it wasn't like being with Deacon, who could make me wet just looking at me across a room, who could still the breath in my chest simply by touching me. He was the one who could make me scream his name with a few touches, who made my head spin with need.

I passed another exit and then another. I thought about when I'd first met Deacon. I had fallen in love with him inside of ten minutes. I had known almost immediately that he was my soul mate. That he was the one I would go through life with. Sixteen was a young age to know you'd met the person you were meant to be with, but I knew that about Deacon. We had such a strong connection. There was the physical connection, of course, but more than that there was the music. That was the thing that really held us together, even through the rough times.

Deacon had always been there for me. When Daddy threw me out of the house, Deacon was the one that got me through it. When there was no one, Deacon was there. Just like I'd told Tandy. So I always felt like I'd needed to be there for Deacon. And I had been. Until now. I felt like I had let him down, that I didn't have faith in him. I needed to show him that wasn't true. That was why I kept driving.

I thought about kissing him earlier. I knew I should have felt bad about that, but I didn't. I thought about how he would touch me and I felt little quivers of desire. I took a deep breath and felt myself press down a little harder on the accelerator.

I tried breathing slowly, focusing my thoughts on something else. I turned on the radio and found a country station that distracted me the rest of the drive. All thoughts of turning back were clearly gone. When I pulled in behind him at the cabin, I hurriedly opened the door and nearly stumbled getting out. He came towards me and took my hand.

Smiling down at me, he said, "Come on, let's go in." I smiled at him shakily. He fumbled with the key a little bit before he got the door unlocked and, when I walked in, it felt so familiar and comforting.

"It's been so long since I've been here," I said.

"I know. I'm glad you came," he responded. "I'm going to light a fire, ok?"

I nodded. "That would be nice." I walked around, reacquainting myself with the place, as he worked to get the fire started. As the flames started to catch, they gave off a warm glow inside the room. Deacon came up behind me and clasped my arms, nuzzling my neck. I leaned into him.

"I'm so glad you're here, baby," he whispered in my ear.

I turned in his arms and smiled up at him, my arms around his waist. "Me too, babe." I lifted my face up and he kissed me lightly, then took me by the hand and led me over to the couch. He knelt down in front of me, holding my hands.

"I want to be with you again, baby. I miss being with you. We belong together."

At that moment, I thought about the reasons we weren't together now and I felt confused. I knew that I loved him, but I was afraid. "I don't know, Deacon. There are a lot of good reasons we aren't together."

He looked at me with so much love in his eyes. "I know I screwed up and I know you been seeing Teddy Conrad. But I don't want you to anymore. I love you, Ray. I love you more than anything else in the whole world." I smiled at him. He seemed so sincere. Then he surprised me. "Let's do this, baby. Please. Marry me," he said.

I was stunned as he pulled out a ring, not a big diamond ring, but a simple band. He took my hand and put the ring on my finger. I was shaking. I had not expected this. In all the time we'd been together, we had never really talked about getting married. But this was what I'd always wanted. I looked at the ring, then back at him, and I smiled.

"I love you so much," he said, leaning towards me to kiss me.

Tears sprang to my eyes. "I love you too." I pulled him towards me on the couch and kissed him back. Then I alternated kissing him, admiring the ring, and smiling at him with tears in my eyes. "I can't believe this," I said, my voice shaky.

"All I want is to be with you, Ray, and make you happy."

"You do make me happy, babe. So happy."

Then he stood, pulling me up and into his arms. He kissed me, running his hands over me, then turned and, taking my hand, led me over by the fire. He gently undressed me, stopping to kiss me now and then. Then I undressed him and, when we were both naked in front of each other, he took me in his arms and kissed me deeply, running his hands over me and pressing himself against me. We slowly moved towards the floor, Deacon pulling the light blanket off the couch for us to lay on.

He laid next to me, one leg crossed over mine, one arm around my waist, pulling me to him, and he kissed me again. I ran my hands over his back, loving the feel of his skin against mine. I was so caught up in the magic of the moment, that I forgot that I had gone off the pill, that I had no protection, and that I was kind of in the middle of my cycle. I just let myself get lost in being with him.

He moved to lay between my legs and then slid his hands under me and cupped my ass. He lifted me slightly, entering me quickly. I gasped with pleasure and lifted my legs to wrap around his waist. I had missed this so much. It had been so long since Deacon and I had made love and I didn't want it to end. Eventually we got up from the floor and went into the bedroom. We fell asleep in each other's arms after he told me again and again how much he loved me. I felt like this was the beginning of a new chapter for us.

The next morning when I woke up, Deacon wasn't in bed with me. I wondered if he had gotten up to start breakfast. He liked to cook for us. Nothing fancy, but he would cook and I would watch him and we would feed each other and it almost always led us back to bed. I felt the ring on my left hand and held my hand out to admire it. I smiled to myself and felt all giddy inside. Deacon and I really didn't have to get married, but the thought of it made me unbelievably happy. I got up and put on a robe of mine that was still in the closet and walked out into the living room.

But Deacon wasn't cooking. I saw him lying on the couch and when I got closer I saw a nearly empty bottle of whiskey next to him. Something inside me snapped. I smacked him on the arm, hard. "Hey!" I shouted.

Deacon jumped, looking confused and disoriented. He looked up at me, not quite focused. "What?" he slurred.

I was pissed. "You been drinking?"

He ran his hand over his face and shook his head. "No…"

I couldn't believe this. "You just get up in the middle of the night and just start drinking?"

Deacon looked confused and like he wasn't even sure where he was. "Uh, maybe. I just couldn't sleep last night." He got up then and started to make his way around the couch.

I backed up, shaking my head. "No, you are just lying to me." The rage was rising in me. Damn it, Deacon. "Were you drunk last night when you were talking to me?" I could hear my voice getting shrill and shaky. Deacon opened his mouth, reached out towards me, trying to pull me to him. I swatted at his hands. "Get your hands off me!" I screamed. I was shaking and then I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. "Were you drunk last night when you asked me?"

Deacon looked like he had no idea what I was talking about. "When…asked you what?" I couldn't believe it. "What, baby?" he asked again.

I looked away and could hear myself making a noise. This could not be real. I reached down and pulled the ring off my finger, throwing it at his feet. I couldn't believe he had asked me to marry him and then could not fucking remember. I felt like a fool. I turned and walked back to the bedroom.

I could hear Deacon calling after me, "Ray! Ray! Rayna!" I could hear him down on the floor. I got dressed as quickly as I could. He burst into the bedroom as I was pulling my blouse over my head and grabbed my arms. "Rayna, baby, please, listen to me."

I pulled away from him and turned. I was furious. "Let me go!" I shouted. "I can't believe I let myself get sucked into this again. Deacon, we're through. For good. Forever. I'm leaving." I stormed out of the room, grabbing my purse before I headed for the door.

Deacon ran after me, trying to stop me. "Please, Rayna, I'm sorry," he cried. He tried to grab my arm again but I shook him off and rushed out the door, fumbling in my purse for my keys. At the car he tried to reach for me again, but I pushed him off without saying a word. I got in my car and started it, backed out and turned, racing down the driveway, tears streaming down my face. I took one last look in my rear view mirror and saw him sink down to his knees and put his head in his hands.

I was done. I felt humiliated. I felt stupid. And tricked.

I drove home, periodically checking the rear view mirror to see if Deacon was following me. The tears had stopped after about a half hour and then I went back and forth between anger, despair, and a bone-killing weariness. How long had I been doing this? Why did if feel like Deacon was my responsibility? Why was this all so impossible for him?

And through it all, I had this vague sense of unsettledness, a sense that things had changed for good, that I couldn't shake.

When I got back to my apartment I was beyond exhausted. I felt drained. I saw on the calendar on my fridge that I had a date with Teddy that night. I laughed bitterly. I had completely forgotten it. If things had turned out differently, I might not have been here at all when Teddy came to pick me up. I called Teddy and begged off, told him I was sick. He wanted to come by, bring me something, but I pleaded with him not to. Then I walked back to my bedroom and changed into a t shirt and gym shorts. I crawled into my bed and pulled up the covers. I was sick, heartsick, and the tears came back. Eventually I cried myself out and fell into an uneasy sleep.

Two days later, after Teddy had dropped me off from our date, I pulled on a pair of sweats and a tank top. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and washed my face. As I was drying my face, I thought about the disappointed look on Teddy's face when I told him I was tired and just wanted to go to bed that night. He had tried to get me to let him stay anyway, smiling his endearing smile and promising to just sleep, but I just really didn't feel like having someone else in my bed, even if it was just to actually sleep. Teddy snored and he also was a fidgety sleeper, which woke me up a lot. I was still hurting from the experience with Deacon at the cabin. I had this incredible sense of disappointment when I thought about it. Disappointment in Deacon drinking, of course, but disappointment that I had let myself get pulled back into his web of deceit. I had lived with this for so long that I couldn't believe I had let myself get tangled back up in that again.

I sighed and hung the towel up. As I was walking to my bedroom, I heard a loud knocking on the door. I frowned. Had Teddy come back? And the knocking had an angry sound to it. I knew he was disappointed that I'd sent him home, but had he thought about it and gotten mad? When I opened the door, though, I was surprised to see Deacon there. His face was angry and he pushed past me. As he did, I could smell the powerful stench of whiskey and sweat.

I shut the door and turned to him. "Deacon, what are you doing here?" I asked.

He turned to look at me and glared at me angrily. "I saw that fucking Teddy Conrad leaving here," he shouted. "You just stringin' me along then, Ray?"

I shook my head. "Deacon, you and I aren't together. I'm with Teddy now." I wasn't sure if he remembered things from the other night now, but I decided to not bring it up.

He closed the gap between us and grabbed my arm, his face inches from mine. "He can't make you feel like I do," he growled. I winced at the pressure on my arm and the sour smell coming from his breath. I tried pulling back, but he grabbed my other arm, leaned in, and kissed me hard. I turned my head and he said, in my ear, "You're mine, Rayna. Mine. Not Teddy Conrad's."

I pulled away from him and backed up to the couch. "I'm not yours, Deacon. You need to go."

He ran his hands through his hair, then picked up a lamp and smashed it on the floor, making me jump. Then he lifted up the end table, raised it over his head, and smashed it to the floor. I ran to grab his arm, but he threw me off, and then proceeded to start demolishing every piece of furniture in my living room. He shouted at me about how I had turned my back on him, given up on him, cheated on him with Teddy. He called me a whore and a slut. I screamed at him to stop and followed after him as he headed for the kitchen. He picked up a bottle of whiskey on my counter and turned to look at me.

"Please don't, Deacon," I begged. I tried to take the bottle from him, but he pulled it away. He took the top off, took a long swallow from the bottle then, looking at me, he threw the bottle on the floor, shattering it and splashing whiskey everywhere. I screamed and jumped back, not wanting to step on broken glass in my bare feet. He opened the cabinets and threw every plate and glass on the floor, turning to glare at me every time.

When he was through, he brushed past me and headed for the bedroom. I tried to grab his arm again, but he shook me off. He stopped in the bathroom and took his arm and swept everything off the counter. I backed away and slid down the wall into a corner in the hallway, my hands covering my mouth, tears streaming down my face, terrified.

I could hear the police sirens approaching and then footsteps outside the door. Deacon seemed oblivious as he proceeded to destroy everything in my bedroom. When the urgent knocking came at the door along with the shout of "Police! Open up!" I ran to the door and opened it, letting two police officers in. I covered my mouth and just pointed towards the bedroom. Less than a minute later the police came out with Deacon in cuffs, fighting against them and swearing loudly. As they passed in front of me, he leaned towards me and shouted, "See? You fucking gave up on me, Ray!"

One of the officers jerked him up and gave me a sad look, then hustled him out. The other one looked at me kindly. "We're going to take him in and book him on domestic altercation charges. And assault. Do you want to press charges?"

I was still crying and shaking from what had just happened. I sighed. "Probably. But he needs help. He needs to go back to rehab."

"Whatever," the officer said tiredly. "Just file those charges in the next twenty-four hours." I nodded and he left.

I shut the door and turned to look at the total and complete destruction in my apartment. There was hardly a piece of furniture he had not destroyed. I sank to the floor and pulled my knees up to my chest. I laid my head on my knees and cried until I felt sick to my stomach and had a headache. Then I picked up the phone and made two phone calls. One was to Tandy to come and get me. I couldn't stay here tonight. The second call was to Coleman. I explained what had happened and asked him to do three things – to check on Deacon at the jail, to tell him he was fired, and to call the rehab facility in North Carolina and get him in as soon as possible.