His mouth is open. His lips are dry. His head is spinning.
"Saihara-kun!"
He thinks that's Kaede's voice. He thinks a lot of things, in fact. He thinks about the theory of relativity when he's bored at night, and he thinks about how the odds in Russian Roulette can vary depending on the type of revolver used. He thinks about the mechanisms in train engines, and about all the songs that must exist in people's heads, never to be written down.
"I think he has a concussion."
Now that, Saihara thinks, must be Maki's voice. It's cold and harsh, not unlike a brutal, lethal winter. Maki of course, would enjoy that description, because she is a murderer. That's not something that Saihara thinks about often but she truly is the Super High-School Level Assassin, that's one person with true talent on her hands. How many people has she killed before this, then? Why didn't she try to kill in the game? She would have almost certainly gotten away with it, with the years of experience and hundreds of victims under her belt. Why has he never considered this before?
"Is… is he crying?"
He can't tell who's speaking anymore, but he can feel the hot tears running down his face and into his still open mouth. They fill the gap until it spills over his lip, and runs down his chin.
He cries so hard he howls.
Right off the bat, Saihara is told that Tenko can't have visitors for the next week, and there is nothing that he can do about it. He settles for angrily pacing the hospital with Gonta, who for whatever reason, is following him.
Though, Gonta's sudden presence probably has less to do with Tenko, and more with Iruma, who woke up from her coma during the night. She isn't allowed visitors either, but Gonta still grows tense when they walk through the hallway where she's sleeping.
After circling the hallways for the tenth time, Saihara stops outside Amami's room. He glances at Gonta, who seems to be on another planet, then enters the hospital room.
Amami is lying down on his bed, but he's absolutely awake. At the sight of him, he sits up with a forced smile, "Hey… Saihara-kun."
Saihara blinks, "You remember me?"
Amami shakes his head, "Just your name. Kirumi-san has been trying to help me remember everyone. Saihara-kun wears a hat, and doesn't have red hair, so you have to be him."
Oh… And here I thought that he was getting better.
"Harukawa-kun! You're here too!" Amami says suddenly.
Saihara swivels around, but it's Gonta who has finally stepped inside. The tall boy lightly brushes his clothes, and mutters, "It's Gokuhara."
Amami's face falls, "...Oh. Sorry. I guess I still need some more practice."
Saihara asks, "How have you been feeling? I haven't seen you… in a while." He tries not to think about the disaster that was his last visit to Amami.
The green haired boy looks ashamed, "Not great. Better, though? What about you, have you been feeling okay?"
Saihara shakes his head, "I haven't been very well myself. Some… bad things happened last night."
Amami nods along, "Mmmm… Kiibo-kun told me that something went down earlier. Wouldn't give me any details, though."
"You've talked to Kiibo-kun?" Saihara asks. He's tried reaching out to the tablet in the cafeteria, but it's been quiet for the past several days.
(He still remembers Kiibo's empty shell destructing on command because Shirogane couldn't handle a world without Dangan Ronpa and tries not to feel sick.)
"He is the robot, right?" Amami asks. When Saihara nods, Amami adds, "Yeah, he usually hangs around in the hospital monitors. He's… nice."
Saihara waits a few moments, as Amami taps his fingers idly, then asks, "Hey, Amami-kun? Why did you break out of here?"
He shrugs, "I really wish I could tell you, but I have no idea. I don't even remember doing it. All I know is that I woke up one morning under a tree, and had the urge to keep running away. Does that… make any sense?"
It doesn't really, but Saihara doesn't understand the ins and outs of memory erasure or amnesia caused by the abuse of it.
From behind him, Gonta says, "I'm going to head out if it-"
"NO!" Amami shouts, "You can't go! That's what they all said!"
Saihara tenses. The vacant, panicked look is back in Amami's eyes.
"They said they would be right back and then they died! You can't die!" Amami screams, "I WON'T LET YOU DIE AGAIN!"
He begins to cry. Saihara steps forwards and hugs the green haired boy, awkwardly patting him on the back. Amami cries harder, sobbing onto his shirt, and gripping Saihara's arms tightly.
By the time Amami finally lets go, Gonta is long gone.
"W-W-What happened?"
Saihara's still sitting on his floor, still crying a little bit. Kaede is sitting next to him, holding his hand gently, while Maki is still standing above them, as if they're little children.
(He wishes he was a child he wishes he could go back and be twelve years old and play cards with Tenko and never ever ever go near Team Dangan Ronpa why did he sign up why was he so stupid he had the rest of his life ahead of him and there is no place in the outside world for a survivor.)
Maki says, "Don't quote me on any of this, I heard it all second hand. Apparently, Chabashira went to apologize for her recent behaviour, but Yumeno was too scared to properly respond… and Yonaga said that Chabashira would be better off dead."
"Oh god," Kaede whispers, tightening her grip around Saihara's hand, "Why would she-"
Maki shrugs, "It's just what I heard. Chabashira's in stable condition, but I don't think anyone is allowed to see her."
"I have to," he chokes out, "I need to see her. I can't just…"
Kaede whispers, "Saihara-kun, she's not-"
Saihara looks her in the eyes, and Kaede's gaze softens. She gently places her other hand on top of his, and presses his hand between her own.
At some point during all this, Maki leaves without saying goodbye.
Saihara storms through the compound after visiting Amami, looking for Angie and Himiko, (but mostly Angie.) Both of them are nowhere to be found, and Saihara wonders if they know what they did. He wonders if they have any idea what horrid, horrid thing they've done.
Eventually, he finds them in the cafeteria, talking like nothing has changed, like they aren't responsible. Saihara angrily starts towards them, and stands above them menacingly, but finds out that he doesn't really know what to say besides 'What the fuck?!'
Angie waves when she sees him, "Shuuichi! How are you doing? Angie hasn't talked to you in a while!"
Himiko however, tenses and slams her eyes shut.
Saihara spits at Angie, "Do you have any idea what you've done?! Do you?!"
Angie blinks, "H-Huh? Shuuichi, Angie doesn't know what-"
"Like hell you don't!" Saihara yells, slamming his fist down onto the table, "Tenko-san's back in the hospital because of what you said to her!"
Angie replies, "Angie doesn't care about- Hospital?"
Saihara hisses, "You told her that she was better off dead, and guess what? She listened! She could have died, and it would have been all your fault!"
"Angie didn't think-"
"Didn't think?!" Saihara snarls, "Didn't think?! You just about told her to kill herself! What part of that were you not thinking about?!"
Angie's lip trembles. Tears flood her eyes, and she begins to cry. She grabs her hair and tugs on it, still crying her eyes out.
Himiko pulls Angie's sleeves back down to cover the fresh bandages on her wrists, and pushes her wheelchair out of the cafeteria as fast as she can. When they're gone, Saihara turns, still shaking with rage.
Gonta and Hoshi, who were sitting together at a small table, and Kirumi, who holds a shattered fragment of a teacup in one hand, all stare at him, eyes wide and jaws hanging open just a bit.
"What the hell are you looking at?!" Saihara screams at them, "WHAT?!"
He's suddenly aware of how heavy his breathing is, and the sickness churning in his stomach. He runs out before he can do anything else.
He hears a knock on his door later, and rises from his bed, tired and sore. He's expecting Kaede, or maybe Kaito, but both assumptions are wrong.
Kiibo's tablet lies on the floor, and Saihara looks around, wondering who left it there. The hallway is dead quiet. He picks up the tablet and goes back in his room, closing the door a little bit stronger than he'd intended.
Saihara clicks the tablet on, and Kiibo appears again, "Ah, Saihara-kun! It's good to see you."
He stares silently at the robot and then nods his head. Talking is too strenuous, all of a sudden.
Kiibo adds, "I've been busy helping the team lately. Even though the next season of Dangan Ronpa has been officially cancelled, they want to minimize loss."
It hurts to hear this, but Kiibo is a member of Team Dangan Ronpa, Kiibo helped set things up, Kiibo is one of them and Saihara hates it.
"Saihara-kun?" Kiibo says, jolting the black haired boy out of his thoughts, "You don't look so good."
Saihara grimaces, "S-Sorry. It's been a long day."
Kiibo replies, "Ah, of course. Chabashira-san is recovering well, if it helps rest your worries! I would allow you in to see her if I could, but I am restricted from-"
Saihara mumbles, "Whatever… She won't want to see anyone anyways."
Kiibo takes a moment to process the remark, "Is there something else on your mind?"
Saihara doesn't answer the question and instead asks one of his own, "Who brought the tablet here? I thought we agreed that it stayed in the cafeteria."
"It was agreed," Kiibo says, "As for your question, I'm not entirely sure. I've been in the hospital server until now."
Saihara turns the tablet around and pulls a yellow sticky note off the back. In messy handwriting is three words: 'Angie is sorry.'
He throws the tablet onto his bed, ignoring Kiibo's reaction, and shreds the note until it's unrecognizable on the floor.
"Saihara-kun!" Kiibo's voice is muffled by the mattress. He picks up the tablet slowly.
"Are you okay?"
He stares into the robot's concerned eyes for a moment, then begins to cry.
Miu Iruma is declared safe to visit about three days later.
Saihara holds off on visiting her, to give Gonta time to talk to her, and mostly because he doesn't feel up to talking to her. He never hated her in the simulation, per say, but she was difficult to be around.
When he finally drops in, he feels it's been too long.
Iruma is still strapped to her bed, but she wiggles excitedly at the sight of him, "Yo, Shyhara! What took you so long?"
"Hi, Iruma-san," he says quietly. Already, he feels tired.
Iruma smirks, "Heh… knew you couldn't stay away from me, you nasty fucker. You're almost as bad as Dekachin! He couldn't stop apologizing about some shit. Couldn't make heads or tails of it!"
Saihara tries not to shiver. He'd forgotten about the nickname she'd given Gonta. He tries to cover his tracks, "I figured more people would have come to see you-"
She scoffs, "They can't handle the greatness that is Miu Iruma! And there's what, six others who could come by?"
"I'm… sorry, come again?" Saihara asks.
Iruma laughs but it turns soon into a raspy cough, "That's forward, Shyhara! But I'm not up for you. Too much of a prude the rest of the time."
Saihara waits a moment, then says, "Why did you say that only six other people could visit you?"
Iruma shivers, "H-Hey! Don't get mad at me!"
"Iruma-san, please-"
She huffs, "Not counting you, me, and Dekachin, there's six others alive. What, you get stupid, Shyhara? You weren't much of a detective as it was, but fuck, this is some dumb bullshit on your part."
Everything grows fuzzy as she speaks. Saihara isn't sure how long he stands there after that, but he hears himself say, "I have to go," and his legs leave the room, but he doesn't order them to.
He doesn't remember how he gets there, but he absolutely ends up in a storage closet that smells like bleach and formaldehyde. At least, he thinks it's a storage closet. There's no light inside.
Saihara sits and his vision swims and he swears that the room is turning but he's in one place and oh god he's going to die here he's going to die like everyone else oh god oh god he could there's bleach he can smell it he could drink it and it would all be over but he can't can he can he can he?!
The closet door slides open, and Saihara slowly looks over. Hoshi hovers in the doorway, his face encompassed in shadow.
"The hell are you doing, Saihara?" he asks, stepping inside and sitting down across from him.
Saihara mumbles, "How did you find me…?"
Hoshi flicks open a lighter from his pocket, and the tiny flame illuminates the smaller boy's face just a bit, "You tore through the place while crying, and then flung open this closet. It would be hard to miss you."
Saihara rubs his temples, "I'm so tired. Everything is happening and I'm not prepared. It was almost easier when we thought that nobody would ever wake up. …Sorry."
"Don't be," Hoshi snorts, "it's not like I have any will to live."
The closet goes quiet for a while. Hoshi's eyes gleam and Saihara hugs his knees to his chest.
"Hey, Saihara. Let me tell you something," Hoshi says.
Saihara looks up and locks eyes with him, "What?"
He moves the lighter to the side, "You remember that girl I told you about?"
Saihara nods. He vaguely remembers something like that from the simulation.
"Seia Kamio," Hoshi laments, "Manager of the tennis club at my old high school. She was real, funnily enough. They gave me a lot of fake crap, but I was allowed to keep her."
Saihara says, "And she…"
Hoshi takes a deep breath, "Died. Think it was a car accident. But before all that… we had a good thing, her and I. She didn't like me when we first met."
"Really?" Saihara croaks.
Hoshi nods, "Took time. Took some fighting. But she was a good person, underneath everything, and she sure as hell deserved better than me. That's not my point, though."
Saihara blinks, "Then what is?"
Hoshi says, "Listen to me. You do something where you pour all your energy into one person, and then it overflows, and you shatter. I'm amazed that you've been functioning at all for the past few days."
He rubs the back of his neck, "Am I… That bad?" Hearing Hoshi say it so plainly makes him feel cold and exposed.
"Yeah. But I was worse," Hoshi says, "When I lost Seia, I lost everything. It destroyed me, because I had nothing else to fall back on. And I can't let this happen to you too. So get up."
Saihara stares blankly, "Where are we going?"
Hoshi replies, "Group. You've been skipping for the past while, and it's not good for you. Plus, if we stay in here any longer, I'll choke."
Blearily, Saihara gets to his feet, and pushes his way out of the storage closet.
There are now two large tables pushed against each other in the meeting room. Saihara lowers himself into one of the chairs silently, and Hoshi settles down on his right.
People slowly file into the room, sitting down in various places. A few of them smile when they see him already there.
Angie pretends to be preoccupied with the armrests on her wheelchair when she spots him. Saihara tries to ignore her.
Eventually, the psychologist arrives, brandishing her clipboard, "Hello, everyone! Are we ready to start today?"
There's a series of nods all around, when suddenly the door swings open again. Saihara turns around in his seat, then freezes, and feels his mouth dry up.
Tsumugi Shirogane is standing in the doorway.
He tries to push away from the table, but Hoshi grabs his wrist and hisses, "Cut her a break. This is the first time she's shown up, ever."
His fingernails dig into the wood.
The psychologist says cheerfully, "Hello, Shirogane-san! It's wonderful to finally see you here."
Shirogane skitters over to the table, and slips in between Himiko and Gonta. She keeps her head down, and Saihara bits down on his lip so hard that it bleeds.
The psychologist pushes forward a plastic bowl filled with papers, "Written on each of these slips is a name. You're each going to pass the bowl around and take a name out, and then once everyone has one, you're going to give that person a genuine compliment!"
She hands the bowl to Saihara, who reaches in, grabs a slip, and then passes it to Hoshi. The name written on it is Kirumi Toujou, and he feels relieved. He can do that.
After the bowl is passed around, the psychologist says, "Okay, let's begin! Akamatsu-san, you start!"
Kaede tenses, then says, "Er, Yonaga-san, you have an admirable sense of optimism."
Angie seems to glow, "Thank you, Kaede! That's so sweet!"
(his clothes are suffocating.)
"Hoshi-kun?"
Hoshi clears his throat, "Gokuhara is one of the bravest people I know."
Gonta brings a hand to his chest in surprise, "Thank you… I appreciate that."
The psychologist looks to him, and Saihara says, "Toujou-san, you're very caring and compassionate."
"That is very kind of you to say," Kirumi replies, a faint smile on her face.
Saihara nods vacantly, and his head pounds. He doesn't resurface until he hears his name again, and then his blood runs cold.
"Saihara-kun," Shirogane says, "I think that you would have made a wonderful Super High-School Level Survivor!"
He stares at her, a horrible pulsing feeling in his chest.
"Say 'thank you,' Saihara-kun," the psychologist says.
He pushes away from the desk and flees the room. Hoshi doesn't try to stop him this time.
After multiple security checks to ensure that he doesn't have anything dangerous with him, and the confiscation of his hat, Saihara is allowed to see Tenko.
The black haired girl sits on her bed, her hands tightly clasped together. When she sees him, her eyes instantly begin to water. There's a scar around her neck now, a prominent one.
He's been in her place before, been the one sitting uselessly on a bed, feeling heavy and light at the same time, with a self caused wound that would forever haunt him.
"Hi, Tenko-san," he says delicately, and her light tears become full blown sobs. When he sits down next to her, she throws her arms around him and hugs him close.
Under her breath, so quiet that Saihara believes he wasn't supposed to hear it, Tenko says, "I don't deserve you."
It's in that moment that he begins to cry too.
AN: Seia Kamio is Hoshi's girlfriend who's mentioned in his free time events! She was designed/named by my pal sou!