Enjoy!
Inspiration: "Comatose" by Skillet:
"I hate feeling like this
I'm so tired of trying to fight this
I'm asleep and all I dream of
Is waking to you
Tell me that you will listen
Your touch is what I'm missing
And the more I hide I realize
I'm slowly losing you
Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe
'Less I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
(Waking up to you never felt so real)
I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
(Waking up to you never felt so real)
I hate living without you
Did wrong to ever doubt you
But my demons lay in waiting
Tempting me away
Oh, how I adore you
Oh, how I thirst for you
Oh, how I need you."
"I feel different...I can't explain how I feel different, I just do. Since Galina died...it felt like she took a piece of me with her. Ha...that woman literally took a piece of everybody with her to her grave. You didn't even need to know her and yet it felt like you knew her forever and she just stole a piece of you. It feels so strange to longer get calls from her. To no longer see her warm, radiate smile every single day like Gaia and me are use too. The only thing I have left in memory of Galina are the memories and her daughter, Gaia and I'm going to lose her to Nathan, her father, a man I last saw nearly fourteen years ago, after I fled with Galina back to Russia.
I still remember the events that occurred that day. So vivid...so much panic and sadness. I can't seem to forget that day. I still remember the tears that stained both of our faces when Galina told me she was pregnant. She was so terrified. I never saw her so scared, her terrified eyes burned like an image and became an imprint that stayed in my mind for eternity.
Gaia...the poor girl is so fucking confused. I felt so heartbroken when she ran to me for those three weeks after Galina died, wanting to be held like an infant, to be held tightly against someone chest, while she cried all the time, mourning her mother. I'm the only thing she has left, and I can tell that she's scared.
Scared of moving on.
Scared of losing me.
Scared of living with her father she barely knows.
I know Gaia's tough, but I can see her breaking and shattering behind those pale eyes. We have each other, but deep down, I know and Gaia knows that our own company towards one another is no longer enough to fill the empty spaces within us that was slowly starting to be filled with dread. That it isn't enough to save us from the emotions that started to eat away at both of us.
I'm beyond terrified of leaving Gaia behind. I promised Gaia I would raise her...but it feels like I've failed her. No...I did fail her. I've failed, but Gaia doesn't realize that. She sees me as superwoman, just like how she saw her mother. Strong, determine, beautiful, not afraid. I don't know what happen...
Oh Gaia...I'm so sorry my love.
I'm so sorry."
-Helena, June 28th, 2013
I felt like crying, yelling, and cursing at the sky. I felt like blaming everybody for letting her die. I not only lost my best friend, I lost my sister. All the hell we both fought through together, growing up together, supporting each other, it felt like it was for nothing. I know I shouldn't be pissed at the world for her passing, but I needed to blame something beside me. But whatever I'm feeling now, has to be hundred times more worse for Gaia. I wouldn't be surprise if Gaia felt like going on a murderous rampage. That child was hurting beyond my imagination and yet I couldn't do anything about it. I could only comfort Gaia, but nothing else. I couldn't give her advice, courage or hope anymore, I could only hold in her arms and tell that everything will get better...eventually. I paced back and forth in front of bed. I couldn't sleep, I was too stressed and nervous. It felt like sleeping was forbidden for me. Every time I fell asleep, all I could dream of was Galina dying in that white bed. As the poison that ran through her blood was killing her, slowly shutting down each organ.
God, I remember how painful and heart wrenching it was having to tell Gaia, after her fifteenth birthday, that Galina organs were starting to shutdown. She wouldn't stop crying. She started to hate everything more, especially Nathan. I guess she found it much more easier to blame him so she wouldn't feel the guilt as much but she hated nonetheless. I never saw someone that hated and disliked one person that much before. My god, just thinking about the cancer that killed my best friend might be genetic and might be running through my god daughter's blood made my heart drop below sea level. Since we can't pay for the damn blood testing, we're practically playing a guessing game. The very thought that I might lose Gaia to this rare form of cancer was a billion times more worse than the the thought of losing Gaia to Nathan, though that was bad too. Either way, I was going to lose Gaia in two worst ways possible.
"Why in the hell did I listen to her?" I questioned to myself, well more like arguing, "I could have just simply ignored her request of bringing Gaia to her father and kept her to myself! Am I being selfish?" I asked to myself as I gazed into the mirror that hanged on the wall. No...I'm not a horrible person. I just think Gaia would do better without knowing her father and Nathan would do better without knowing his daughter that's all. I just think life would move better without them being in one another's life. "I'm doing this for Galina...those were her last dying words. To take Gaia to her father...I'm just doing what Galina asked me," I reassured myself. But that did little to ease the fact that I could have just simply ignored her request. "Does that make me a horrible person?"
My reflection stared at me and I just stared back at it, as if expecting my own reflection to answer. "No," whispered a voice softly behind my ear, while I felt like someone was hugging me from behind. I could feel the soft, radiating warmth of someone else's body seep through the back of my tank top. I couldn't see anyone in the mirror behind me, but I knew she was there. "That doesn't make you a bad person sister." I could feel my arms start to tremble, as I used the wooden desk in front of the mirror for support.
"You have no idea how I feel like," I stated, "You don't know how much I've failed and how much I lost in a matter of weeks." I felt a single tear trickle down my face.
"Yes I do Helena."
"And how would you know?" I could physically feel her chest breathing into my back, but I knew she was gone. It was my imagination that was playing a cruel, sick joke trying to make the pain disappear.
"I've felt pain. I've felt failure. I've lived through it. Everybody has Helena, you aren't the only one." I shook my head at her response. Nobody will understand the pain that stabs at my heart.
"Don't tell me that!" I snap at her, "Nobody goes through the same hell that I am going through! Nobody will understand how much of a fucking failure I feel!"
"Don't be blinded by your own darkness Helena. I already can feel it eating away at your soul." I was about to retort, before my Iphone went off, scaring the living daylights out of me. Instinctively, I made a grab for it and as I moved I felt the warmth on my back disappear almost instantly. I tap the answer button, as I wiped away the tears and tried to sound as normal as possible, but my voice was slightly shaking after the crying.
"Hello?"
"Helena?"
"Gaia? What is wrong my love? More importantly, how are you even calling me?" I remember Gaia complaining on the plane about how she forgot her phone in her room back home.
"Gaia? Nah, Helena. It's me, Pierce." I distanced the phone away from me and gazed at it with a disbelief look, before bringing it back to my ear.
"How did you get my number?"
"It was on the files that you brought that Boss left on the kitchen counter."
I felt like smacking myself. "Right. I totally forgot about it...what's up?" I asked as I sat down on my bed.
"Boss, Shaundi, and me gotta take care of some business, so I was wondering if you can come over and watch Gaia. Don't worry, she fell asleep twenty minute's ago."
"What do you guys need to do?"
"Stuff that you shouldn't worry or concern you sweetie. More preferably I like you and Gaia not to get involve or to know. Trust me, it's for the best."I usually would push on, but I wasn't in the mood nor did I have the strength to argue.
"I'll be there...just give me ten maybe fifteen minutes tops," I replied, as I inhaled and exhaled deeply. I was tired. Emotionally drained. I was in all terms exhausted.
"Helena? Are you alright?"
"Huh? Y-yeah. I'm tired that's all. Damn time here is very different from Russia," I lied. I knew damn well that wasn't the problem. Pierce was quiet on the other end for a few minutes. "Pierce?"
"Yeah sweetie?"Why was he calling me sweetie? I felt a really weird tingly feeling on the inside of my stomach, but I didn't really think much about it, I just assumed that my stomach was upset for not having food in its system.
"What's wrong?"
"I don't believe you," he stated in a hush tone, "There's something more than what you're telling me."
I sighed. Even though he was right, I wasn't going to tell him about Galina's death and the rare blood cancer that killed her might be in Gaia. "There's nothing I am hiding from you Pierce. You gotta believe that."
"You sure Helena? I really don't want to find out something on my own that you could have told me right now."
"I'm sure Pierce. I'll be at the hotel in a few."
"Okay. See you in a bit. Bye."
"Bye," I said softly back as I hanged up. I locked my Iphone and tossed it behind me on the bed, while I buried my head in my hands. It hurts, everything just hurts. I really didn't need some man, who I only knew by name, breathing down my back. I knew that there will be some type of confrontation will when they find out the really reason why Gaia's here. More importantly, what happen to Galina. I lifted my head and gazed at my own reflection with slightly empty eyes.
I couldn't recognize the stranger in the mirror anymore.
And that stranger was me.
Another sad, heartfelt chapter. Please feel free to leave any personal thoughts, ideas or advice and don't forget to review.