Hi everyone. I hope you all are well! Thank you for the alerts/favs/reviews. They all mean so much to me. I must give you a warning, this chapter is very heavy. If you have depression or know someone who does please talk to someone. You are not alone and it is not your fault. "Things will get easier, people's minds will change. And you should be alive to see it."-Ellen DeGeneres

wickedtomboy

Tie a Knot and Hold On

Chapter 10

Slow motion. It was as if I was walking in slow motion. Everything around me was spinning. Sound and vision would come in and out. Fading then growing stronger again. My body was moving of it's own accord, for my mind was off in another world. A world where pain and suffering did not exist. A world where I had everything I could ever want. An apartment in San Francisco, a dog, a job as a well-known singer, and Brittany. The partner that would surprise me with breakfast in bed, romantic walks, and the random whisper of sweet nothings. That is the world my mind was in. And I had to go there. For the world my body was in was called…hell.

I drive further and further away.

I let my mind wander back to San Francisco as a familiar song comes on. I play out in my mind a fun, loving food fight the love of my life and I will have. I silently laugh to myself at Brittany who currently has flour on her nose. Then, a bright red color catches my eye. I look to the left to see Sunnyside Playground. The elementary kids crawling all over it. My eye locks onto the monkey bars in the corner.

My tiny hands grab onto the rough, rusted metal as my body hangs down. I swing myself forward as my other hand latches onto the next bar. My lower lip is sticking out in concentration. I have never made it this far. What do I do now? My arms feel weak. So I let go and land on the sharp mulch below. Feeling a sense of pride. Someday I'll be able to make it all the way through.

"Sweetheart, be careful!" I hear a soothing voice call. I turn my head at the sound. Are they talking to me? But then I see a girl, a small blush spreads across my cheeks. She is running toward the swings and she almost trips. My head moves to the direction of her father. But…wait. There are two daddies there. Which one is hers? One daddy with blonde hair has his arm around the other's waist. And the daddy with dark hair has his head on the blonde's shoulder. That's what I do with my mommy when I'm tired. He must be tired. But…you can have two daddies?

"Santana!" I jerk my head around and see my mommy standing there. She is in her work suit and her arms are crossed. Uh- oh! I did something wrong. I run up to her. She grabs my wrist firmly and drags me out of the park. I turn around to get one last glimpse at the two daddies. The dark haired one just gave the other a peck on the cheek. They both smile. And then I smile. Prince Eric does those things for Ariel. They must love each other. They're just two daddies… that love each other.

Back to my slow motion life as I pull up into the driveway. Feeling as empty as the gas tank in my car. I wonder if Brittany and I would ever do that. I would love to take our daughter to the park. However, my fancy quickly vanishes as I look up at the prison. I mean "house". The slow motion returns with full force. I feel my legs moving but I try to tell them to stop. But they won't listen. As much as I say I'm going to run away, I never do. Where would I go with no money? My mind floats back to fancy. Trying to ignore the pain of reality. I need to get a job, so I can pay for my car. So I can pay for college if I can't get a scholarship. But if I don't get that scholarship then I am stuck here for the rest of my life. My body freezes at the thought. Lungs stop breathing. Blood stops rushing. My heart is hammering against my chest, threatening to explode. Emotions overthrow my mind.

No.

I will get out of here. If it's the last thing I do I will get out of here. My mind tries to go back to fancy. But it stops itself knowing that I am still in reality. One half say's go back. The other says that we can't stay permanently. Then something…something from deep within the depths of my soul says…but you can. You can go there permanently. I shake this thought away, only knowing it is going to come back. It always comes back. Every. Single. Day.

The thought travels back to the depths of my ripped soul as I open the front door and enter the house. Once again, my body knows the routine and I take off my coat, place my keys on the counter, grab the scotch bottle, and go upstairs.

The stairs are aligned with memories. Memories that only exist it the picture frame they hang in. Those smiles used to be real. But not they are just a fake happiness. One I still fake to this day. I begin to wonder where it all went wrong. It must've been me, right? I'm the one that caused this fake happiness. I never believed loving could be wrong. Those two men at the park looked happier than my mother and father. But even though the men's happiness was true, it was also wrong. So that makes a fake happiness better?

My legs carry me up the stairs and into the bathroom. My body knows that I have to go. But my mind is trapped in a series of gut-wrenching stabs. My eyes find the glass that shows all imperfections. Now my mind is paying attention. Paying attention to the broken face looking back. The pale skin from no sunlight, reflecting the emptiness inside me…I never want to go outside anymore. The chapped lips. The messy hair. The acne that cover the thin cheeks…I rarely eat or shower anymore. I see my eyes…and they begin searching for a reason to live.

"You're so beautiful." She whispered. Lightly gazing her hand over my full cheek. I smiled when I saw the honesty in her eyes. I was so nervous she would hate me or hate my body. For this was supposed to be a special time…a first time. But she made it perfect. Showing her love in the simplest touches. No one had ever touched my skin with so much feeling. Making me feel like I'm the only girl in the world. That I'm the only one she wants. Feeling as if my skin was glowing from the love inside of me. I've waited so long to love. Now it's right here. Right in her.

Making me feel as if I'm…worth something.

"I love you."

My body hits the mattress. Flopping down, resembling a dead fish. I melt into the soft sheets. Allowing my soul to be wrapped up into the only friend I know. My bed provides a comfort I may never feel again but in this moment. For in the fabric of these sheets I dream. And when I dream I get swept away from reality. The reality that constantly asks questions and expects me to face them. Questions involving the future. What future? I can barely make it through a school day. One day turns out to be a war between reality and my mind. Between my parents. Between my classmates. The future in my dreams will be one I will never find…unless I can get this scholarship. That's why my dreams are better than my reality.

My eyes begin to look around the room. Trying to focus on something besides the ceiling and my state of mind. My eyes find the door. The door that I want to desperately run out of and never see again. But where would I go? What would I do? The door stands there…mocking me.

A single tear escapes my eye. For I didn't think I had any more tears to give. My heart aches with a pain I try to ignore everyday for the past year. But the pain is slowly starting to suffocate me. The pain ripped your soul and shattered your dreams. It spit in your face and punched your stomach. It took your heart and simply…hated it.

You can stop this pain, you know. The thought from the depths of my soul returned. You don't have to feel this. You can be with her in your dreams right now. And with this way… you will never have to return to reality.

My body knew the drill. It always did. My arm reached down and slid underneath my bed. Grabbing onto the small, mandarin orange bottle. It was as if I were a zombie. Staring up at the ceiling while my hand poured seven pills into my other palm. Then I felt my fingers opening the scotch. While the pills were placed dryly into my mouth. I take a swig. I can't even feel the substances in my mouth. For if a human can't love…can't love themselves, can't love others. What is there to live for?

I close my eyes and see golden hair, bright blue eyes, and the beautiful city of San Francisco.