This chapter made me sad to write. D: I'll try and update really quickly so happier thoughts will be in your mind! xD That being said, it's not like anything New and Tragic happens. But whatever. Here we go!

:: eight : be careful what you wish for : ken ::

"I'm home," I said, as soon as I entered my apartment.

My mother was ready in the kitchen with a plate of cookies and a glass of milk. How typical. I didn't want any attention. Couldn't she leave me alone for once?

"Oh, Ken!" she cried. "How was your first day of high school?"

"Hardly arduous. It was only orientation, Mother."

"Come in and tell me about it! I made you cookies!"

"Thank you but no," I declined. "I have some work."

"Oh, okay," she said, sounding disappointed. "I'll be in here with cookies if you want to talk or eat cookies or anything!"

My statement wasn't entirely true, but I didn't want to be around her right now. I never really wanted to. I went to England trying to get away from my family. And now that I'd returned they were always there, especially my mother. She was like an annoying bug in my ear. Had she been like this before?

Before, of course, meant when Sam was still alive.

Sam was my older brother. I don't like thinking about him much.

But of course idiotic emotions never do what you tell them to. Once I was in my room, sitting at my well-organized desk, I folded my arms and put my head down on them. Being back here reminded me of Sam. In England I could forget. Yet he'd lived in this apartment.

What would his first day of school have been like, I wondered? Would he have felt as unchallenged as I had? Would his classmates have seemed as startlingly basic? I knew that I was 'academically gifted', as they said. My parents were always reminding me of that. It just seemed too depressing to admit that others my age – or near it, anyway – were really that mindless. Would Sam have felt the same way?

No, he would have felt even more out of place. He was the genius, and it came naturally to him. It was all as simple as breathing for him. I wasn't like that.

When Sam had died, my parents were so lost. They didn't know how they would get on with their lives. They tried not to act like it around me, but I could still hear their conversations behind closed doors if I made an effort to. Sam had always been their favorite. They didn't mean to have a favorite, and probably weren't consciously aware that he was theirs. I was their average son, the younger son, the one who wasn't brighter than both my parents combined. Sam stood out. Everyone loved him. I loved him too, but… I also hated him.

Why did these petty childhood feelings always try and come back to me? They came suddenly, like the dark waves of some unforgiving ocean, sweeping over me. They were trying to drown me with their heavy, oppressive sorrow. Their unwavering darkness, and fear, and loneliness.

I wish Sam would just… disappear.

Why wouldn't it leave me alone?

It was because I was a human, and humans felt guilt. Humans were guilty for the terrible actions they'd performed, the unspeakable atrocities they'd committed. Everyone felt guilty, unless there was some deep psychological neurosis that blocked out feelings such as guilt. When I read about these neuroses, I'd wished that I had them. Being considered insane would be better than feeling so much overwhelming guilt.

I don't like thinking about Sam, and I didn't want to. Even though being here, after the first pointless and terrible day of school – when I found Odaiba High was less inspiring and its student body less inspired than I'd even thought – I couldn't help but have thoughts of my older brother drifting through my mind.

I never wanted him to really go away. It was just some idiotic thing I'd said. It was like a child wishing that the dentist wouldn't find their cavity. If their wish didn't come true, there would be some pain, but not nearly as much pain as if the cavity progressed. There would have been some pain if Sam were still alive – my parents favoring him over me. But it was nowhere near the pain of him being gone.

They say that it's better if someone dies quickly. That way, you don't have to see them suffer. I don't know who 'they' are and if they've ever lost anyone or not. But it's not like a Band-Aid, where you have to pull it off quickly to minimize the pain. If you lose someone suddenly, you also don't know it's coming. You can't say goodbye.

But you wished for it, my mind told me. You wanted him gone. Maybe you didn't exactly wish for him to die, but you wished for him to disappear.

Why were my thoughts always torturing me like this? It was as if they got a strange kind of pleasure out of making me feel guilt, and remorse, and a deep gnawing pain that never subsided. It ate away at me if I didn't do anything about it.

It had been my choice to make myself as smart as Sam had been. I wanted to please my parents. So I threw away whatever identity I'd had before I was Ken, boy genius. I spent all my spare time studying, reading long books into the night. It was difficult, but I could do it. I had to do it. Maybe if I became like Sam, my parents wouldn't be as sad. And I wouldn't have to feel as lonely or guilty.

It did make my parents happy. But I wasn't. I couldn't tell them, couldn't let on that I didn't want to be this person anymore. Every time I brought home an A-plus, they would seem so ecstatic. What kind of a monster would I be to take that away from them – again?

They'd already lost Sam once. They didn't deserve having to lose him again. They didn't seem to care much about losing me, though. I was becoming more and more like Sam every day.

I had always loved my parents and had always wanted them to notice me. But now that they did, I just wanted to be left alone. Every second I spent with them was a second I could be reading or studying. And so I wanted to leave. My parents agreed, though my mother slightly tearfully, that a change of scenery would be beneficial for me. So I was sent to England. It was a school Sam had been researching online. He was too afraid to tell our parents about it because he knew they wouldn't let him go. He was too precious for them to let away from their sight.

But once he was gone, once he'd disappeared and I'd taken on his identity myself, they didn't mind letting me go. They paid attention to me, but still not as much as they had paid attention to Sam. Maybe they were afraid of loving me too much, afraid that I would disappear like Sam.

I didn't want to have any more thoughts about my brother. He was dead now. Just like I'd wanted. He'd disappeared. I'd wished for that, and the guilt was too much for me to bear. The sadness was too much for my parents to bear, too. So to make my guilt less painful and to make my parents happy again, I became Sam. I'd wished for him to disappear, but that didn't mean that I couldn't regret it. And I would do everything in my power to try and reverse it.

I picked up a heavy textbook and began reading.

-x-

Aw, poor Ken. D: Please review and tell me what you thought! The next chapter is called "brotherly advice" and is in TK's POV. Aw man, that name makes me feel even worse for Ken. Anyway, I'll try and get that one up soon. It's happier! xD