Standing there, on the edge yet so far away from the end it became clear how lost she had been 'how lost she was'. What was she supposed to do? Jump? What would that accomplish? Nothing, absolutely nothing. It'd wouldn't end the emptiness. Wouldn't bring back what she'd once had. It felt so real all of a sudden, every emotion that'd she'd hidden so deep underneath.
Lower down the waves of the ocean fought a battle of it's own, very much resembling the one the was currently occuring witin the half vampire, though instead of figting with itself as she did, it struggled against the harsh wind.
Renesmee wanted to - jump that is. If for nothing else but to feel the icy water on her skin, pain, as sadistic as it might sound she craved it more than she'd ever craved anything that wasn't blood. Maybe it'd make her feel alive? Human? At the very least it'd diminish the hollow feeling. She knew better though, it'd only be temporary.
With a face soaked in tears, there she stood frozen only the occasional sob breaking through, rain making her blood shot eyes less noticeable . It finally happened, I broke, was the one thought that lingered in her mind.
Why now? What made today so special? It was just like any other day. Jacob god if only he - she stopped, wouldn't allow herself to think that far.
The facade - no not facade, it had been real, but only because of her naivety and stubbornness of not wanting to relive the reality of what she'd lost, even allowing 'what ifs' and 'they might be okay' to keep 'this' whatever this was, that exact feeling at bay clinging on to every pathetic hope possible.
Not able to take it anymore she let out a devastating scream in pure frustration. Echoing throughout the woods. Hah so much for being reasonable. The flashes kept going through her head, Aro laughing at her, holding her.. her dad's head that had been separated from the rest of the body, the hollow eyes staring back at her, with the rest of her family scattered around their home in pieces. The volturi's voices mocking her 'it's all your fault' - 'your fault'. It just wouldn't stop, the worst though was her family... blaming her, no,reminding her that she was the cause of it all, that she 'deserved it' and they were right.
"Sto..- stop" the whisper of a sob broke through her clenched lips, "Please stop.. just enough, I can't" whimpered Renesmee.
They didn't listen though 'You killed us Renesmee'
'Your fault, your fault' and 'You killed us just like you almost did your mother while being born'.
Because she was a 'Monster'
"Yes 'you' - you're a monster Renesmee"
"Monster"
And a 'Killer'
"Renesmee"
It's 'Your fault Renesmee'
"Renesmee"
"Renesmee!?" wait that - 'that wasn't the voices, it sounded real albeit a tad distant, what?
There it was again, who and why? It sounded familiar but 'so so very far away'.
"Nessie" that did it the mocking echoes of her family and the volturi stopped. Jacob he was here, or at least close, very close.
For a moment she stood still, what was she supposed to do? She wanted to hide, he shouldn't see this side of her. No, no way - she wouldn't let that happen. In that moment it was clear her mind still wasn't back to being fully conscious, dark thoughts still clouded it. So she did what seemed easiest she freaking jumped, just as his shadow broke through the trees. Not thinking about the consequences, 'and no not death' she'd definitely survive it even with the water's temperature below freezing, another perk 'or curse' of being half immortal, but he didn't know that.
'Ow' going through the surface was... cold to say the least. Even for Renesmee, it was colder than anything she'd experienced in a long time, having associated with only people, humans recently and most of them always being extremely warm to the point where she had even considered questioning their health, if it wasn't for the fact that they all seemed strong and well.. healthy.
She let herself stay underneath the sea for a decent amount of time, almost for as long as possible, refusing to face the consequences of her impulsive act before absolutely necessary.
That wouldn't be long though, she had to breathe eventually, air was not something she could survive without and despite seeming somewhat suicidal by jumping in the icy waters she wouldn't let herself die, she knew that she still had something to live for.
Just as she was about to kick off for the surface again, a warm hand gripped her arm harshly. Renesmee knew that hand. Jacob? But, but he was human. He'd die. About to panic, she let herself have a look at his face, as he pulled both of them upwards reaching above waters. He seemed okay, not even bothered by the cold? She knew that the La Push boys liked to go cliff diving but still - it was so high up and and so damn cold, winter well on it's way.
He began swimming towards shore, wanting to make it easier for him Renesmee tried to loosen his grip on her arm, it didn't seem to help though quite the contrary actually; it tightened and by then he was practically dragging her along. The waves splattered against them, which was really uncomfortable.
When they finally reached dry land again, Nessie coughed having gotten 'a tad' affected by all that saltwater filling her mouth, 'not because she had been drowning' or anything like that. Though Jacob obviously didn't know that, by the way he instantly started checking her over, frantically muttering to himself, Renesmee only caught on to a few "fucks" and other swear words, though she couldn't distinguish whether they were directed at her or himself.
Finally she shoved his hands away with a "I'm fine" looking up at his kneeling form above her body that was laying on the muddy sand.
Jacob let a deep breath out, relief flooding his entire being for a few seconds, before his hand rubbed over his disturbed face.
'Oh oh' Renesmee thought when she saw how his demeanor changed from worried-out-of-his-mind to so-angry-he-could-tackle-a-fucking-bear. She really shouldn't have said something, scolding herself inwardly 'why didn't you just play dead, or something, that'd have been smarter right? Damn it Renesmee you screwed up how do you explain this. What the-'
"-hell were YOU THINKING!?"
'Huh? Wait did she say that out loud?' Gazing up at Jacobs face, she realized, that it came from him.
Oh boy he looked pissed.
"I.. I, I'm I" she tried, words failing her.
Jacob however wasn't done "You could have died you do realize that don't you? Why the fuck would you do something so stupid Renesmee-" nearly growling the last part "do you want to die huh!? Don't you fucking know how much you mean, 'to me'? To everyone. Do you even care?"
"I'm sorry Jac..ob" Was the only thing she was able to get out, voice cracking at the end. That seemed to be her undoing and the tear-floods started. Her family was dead. The volturi wanted her, for whatever gruesome reason. She'd lost her home. Found a new home - found Jacob. But everything had changed and she couldn't deny it anymore.
Thousands of mumbled "I'm sorry, so so sorry" barely audible by the sobs that kept coming "I didn't mean - I'm sorry!" Renesmee had no idea who they were even directed towards anymore. What and whom was she apologizing to? Jacob? Her mom? Her family? Who..
Nessie's current breakdown seemed to have pushed Jacob's anger aside at least for the time being. He had stopped lashing out, cooling his anger, now focused on the pain in her voice, her broken figure a devastating sight, one he couldn't stand. He pulled her into him making sure to hold her close, while stroking her hair softly.
Standing up with Renesmee in his arms he set of towards home, trying to keep the shaking girl in his grip as comfortable as possible.
Now Renesmee was currently curled up in a warm blanket on Jacob's couch. Thankful that the house was empty, except Jacob and herself; she didn't feel like dealing with anyone else's worry or anger, the man in front of her was certainly enough.
She sank further down into the furniture, trying to make herself as small as possible, as Jacob joined her. At first her eyes were very busy with studying the floor, refusing to even spare the guy beside her a glance, but soon the silence became to much to bear and anxiousness filled her body, so she tilted her head upwards.
Jacob was already staring her down, brows furrowed deeply and a frown apparent on his face. To stop herself from saying something she'd regret, Renesmee bit her tongue and decided she'd let him take the lead - since he was the one insistent on having this conversation, if it was up to her they'd both forget everything and ignore her attempt at 'not' killing herself.
"Why'd you do it?" Came finally; his stoic and creepily calm front making her fidget. Searching for the right answer to the question.
Renesmee didn't want to anger him further nor worry him, yet somehow she still ended up choosing the stupidest choice of words "Do what?" causing him to look at her as if she had lost her mind, completely baffled by her attempt to brush what had happened of as if it had been nothing.
Jacob's hand balled into a tight fist, making her eyes shift to the floor again - she felt horrible enough about the situation as it was and even though she knew he was only acting like that because he cared, she couldn't help but wish that he'd just let it go.
Sensing that he wasn't getting anywhere, Jacob sighed deciding to try again, with a more supportive approach, needing her to know that he was there for her no matter what was going on. Disturbing images and ideas kept crossing his mind and while he tried to stop them, wait for her side of the story; give her a chance to explain, not wanting to assume things himself but that was quite hard and there were certain thoughts that he couldn't push away "Look Nessie whatever it is I'm not going to blame you okay? Just talk to-"
She caught him of in a rush, having a feeling of what he was thinking "I'm not suicidal Jake-" stopping short to take a deep breath before continuing "I get why you would think that after what happened, but you're wrong. I wasn't thinking when I jumped, I'll admit that, but I did not do it because I wanted to die, you have to know that"
"You sure? Trust me I want to believe you, but there's just no possible way you'd jump of that cliff without even considering the possibility of death"
Trying to be smart she pointed out the obvious "You kinda did"
"That was different!" He gritted, clenching his jaw tightly "I was trying to save you, besides I knew what I was doing"
Renesmee's hands flared out "So did I, Jacob - I've been climbing mountains, cliff diving, svimming with sharks; practically every dangerous activity that you can think of, since I was a little girl "
He hesitated considering her words, before shaking his head "Even if that's true, that doesn't mean you can just jump of a cliff without any reason; you being used to stuff like that does not mean it's any less dangerous or deadly" quivering at the last word, knowing very well that he could have lost her.
"I know okay! Like I said before - I wasn't thinking clearly, I just wanted to get away from it all for a few seconds" okay so she didn't really 'know' since she was sure she'd have survived, but from his point of view he was definitely right so it'd be futile to argue.
He took a hold of her shoulders shaking her slightly "Dammit Ness, you scared me to death-" he exhaled deeply "I thought.. seeing you do that scared me half to death? You can't'do something like that okay!?" he put emphasis on each word, voice straining with emotion and conviction.
Needing her to understand what it did to him; believing he'd lose her. It was like nothing he'd ever felt before, so strong and crushing, it was like a thousand knifes cutting into him. Seeing her fling herself of the edge had nearly torn his heart apart.
"Okay Jacob" she agreed, putting a reassuring hand over his that still gripped her shoulder tightly.
"Promise me, that you won't" he all but begged.
She smiled halfheartedly "I promise and I'm sorry"
Jacob nodded mumbling to himself and then leaned in to let his forehead rest against hers; letting her familiar scent soothe him.
They stayed like that for a long time.
Until Jacob drew back slightly, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. Not done yet. Unanswered questions still pushing to be solved.
Before he could say anything, she spoke up "Can't you just accept that I made a mistake and leave it at that?" already aware of what the answer would be.
"No not this time, I understand that you don't like to talk about your past, but I can't ignore it after this. You have to talk to someone Nessie" even if that someone wasn't him, he'd already decided that.
Renesmee understood where he was coming from; if their roles were reversed she wouldn't have let it go either, so she sighed "I have nightmares sometimes, you know that right?"
Jacob gave a curt nod before she continued "I don't know what triggered it but last night when I woke I couldn't shake it off like usual, it was almost as if it was real"
"What was it about?" he questioned as he gently nudged her chin upwards, so he could look at her even though her gaze wavered.
With a faraway look in her eyes, she answered flatly "Them" as if that explained everything.
It took her a few seconds to catch the confused look Jacob was sending her way, but when she finally did she wasted no time elaborating "I see them in my dreams"
"Who?" Renesmee didn't miss the way his entire body tensed - even though he tried to hide it - as he jumped to a conclusion before he'd even finished asking the question.
She hesitated, taken aback by his posture "My parents" she ended up saying, technically not a lie, there was just way more to the story.
It was clear that, the vague information she'd given, confirmed Jacob's horrible thought's "What happened!?" he demanded, sounding more angry than intended.
Renesmee couldn't leave it at that. She might not be able to tell the entire truth but anything was better than whatever he was currently imagining "I know you're not stupid Jake, me showing up here like I did, refusing to talk about my past, I'm sure you and everyone else must have had a lot of not-so-pleasant idea's of why or how I might have ended up here-" she took a deep breath "it's not exactly what you think though, I can tell you that. I don't want you or anyone to think of them - of my family - as bad people, they aren't... weren't I guess" her lower lip trembled as she corrected herself, using past tense hurt.
But she had to get used to it. Denial wasn't an option anymore.
He reached for her automatically when she finished, whispering "It's okay" over and over again as he caught the single tear that fell down her cheek.
Renesmee sniffled "That's all I can say so please don't ask for more - I can't give you that, not now"
She'd tell him, she decided then. One day, she would tell him everything. Even if he didn't believe her or decided that he wanted nothing to do with her. The right thing to do would probably be to leave, to stay far away from him and let him have a normal life without her - but she didn't have the strength to do that. To leave him, seemed impossible.
Renesmee never wanted to part from him nor the other people she had come to know, so that left her with little to no options. But maybe there'd come a day where she'd have to disappear even if she didn't wish it. If she truly felt her presence in Forks was unwanted or that danger was near, she'd run to make sure no harm came to him nor anyone else, that was a promise she made to herself, but if not, if she was lucky then she'd stay and that would mean telling him the truth about whom and what she was.
Jacob caught her attention again "I get that I do, but Ness.. last night?" he did not want to press it. At least not the hurt that must have come with losing someone she loved, he knew what that felt like, and it was okay that she wasn't ready to share each and every emotion and detail about what happened to them, but when it came to her - in the present with him, he had to know.
Shrugging she said "It all came back. What happened back then, worse than usually like I said, which is why I ran off a..and it was to much and I couldn't think"
"That's why you jumped?" he questioned.
She nodded "I heard you and I think I panicked - I was overwhelmed and at the time it seemed like a good getaway"
"Nessie" he said softly.
She twirled her fingers adding "It was stupid and reckless b..but I just reacted, I've forced it all down and suddenly I was just feeling to much at once"
Hoping that would be enough. That he'd accept it; which he did sensing that it was all she was willing to share and for now he didn't need more. Renesmee was with him, where he could protect her and that was all that mattered.
He put his arm around her; letting her clutch his shirt while his hands drew soothing circles on her back. His lips finding her skin softly brushing over it.
"I'm here." he wanted to make sure she knew that. Lifting her chin up so he could look into her beautiful deep brown eyes, although they were glittering with unshed tears, they were still as mesmerizing as the first time he saw them and as he got lost in them he added "You are not alone".
A real smile lit up her face, sad but loving "I know" and she did; she truly did, it was the reason that she was certain that she'd be able to move on and get through the pain. Together. With him - her Jacob.