Friday's Child

Chapter Ten

…

You nee-

No. I don't.

Sticks an' stones may break your bones, Spike thought numbly, but words? Words'll bloody well kill you. He knew that more intimately than most. Words had sent him out in the night, crying his bleeding eyes out like the biggest nancy-boy git in all creation. Dru had seduced him with words, and one single word from him, yes, had ended his life and set him loose to take the lives of so many others. Would she have turned him if he hadn't said yes? No way to be sure, honestly, not when it came to Dru. Either way, he'd agreed and become a monster.

Buffy was speaking again, but he couldn't focus on the words. Couldn't tell what they were. His mind inserted the ones she'd said just moments before. No. I don't. Part of him knew exactly what she was doing and was right brassed off about it. Trying to send him away to Angel "for his own good" like the idiot kid in most animal friend movies who sent their beastie back into the wild. Because crawling with parasites, only eating when you had a successful hunt, and being at the mercy of the elements and other wild creatures was much better than being cared for and loved, apparently.

The part of him that understood all that wanted to snap back at her, tell her that she wouldn't know what she needed if it came up and bit her right on her pert little arse. Most of him was too busy feeling hurt, betrayed, and worthless to pay that part any mind. Of course Buffy wanted to send him and the sprog to bloody Angel. He was the great sodding hero, wasn't he? Spike was naught but a pathetic shadow that should drag himself out into the sun to put everyone out of the misery of having to deal with him. Even Thursday would be better off without him in the long run.

He looked down at her. She'd quieted down after he'd upset her by holding on too tight, and now she was gazing up at him with adoration. Such a trusting little thing, and he was going to fail her. No way around it. He was going to fail her just like he failed everyone in his life. Buffy was right, she needed to be sent away, and not just because of Red.

Oh, put a cork in it, already, a little disgusted voice whispered in the back of his mind. So you aren't some kind of perfect saint. Boo-bloody-hoo! Yeah, you're going to fail her, so what? Bloody well happens, don't it? That's part of life. You just pick yourself up, shake off the dirt, and keep goin'. You don't just stand around like a berk and whinge on about it all.

The foul-mouthed voice of reason had a point, but it couldn't quite get through the wall of self-hatred. Worthless, filthy monster what could never be washed clean or be deserving of love or happiness. Buffy didn't need the likes of him mucking up her life.

He'd never just up and leave her, claiming it was for "her own good." He hadn't the right to make that call. But… well, she'd told him to go, hadn't she?

…

..

"Spike?"

Buffy had known the idea of taking himself and Thursday to Angel would hurt Spike, and that saying she didn't need him would make it even worse. She'd expected yelling, or quiet, bitter words. She hadn't expected him to just… stop. To just go perfectly still to the point where he wasn't even breathing.

"I know you aren't happy with this, but –"

He finally moved, just enough to look down at the baby in his arms. God, the look in his eyes. It was the same one he would get in Entebbe before asking her to take Thursday and go enjoy the city for a few hours. It was the look he got when his metaphorical inner demons overwhelmed him and forced him to punish himself for what he'd done after gaining a literal inner demon.

He'd be fine – or as close as he could get to it for right now. She didn't think he could really be fine until he'd fully adjusted to the soul – if he had a few hours alone to just sort of… absorb and work through the guilt and depression, but they didn't have a few hours. There was no telling what Willow would do next or when Riley would randomly decide to come back. Spike and Thursday were too vulnerable. They had to get out of Sunnydale, and the only person she knew outside of Sunnydale who could keep them both safe was, unfortunately, Angel.

She knew that had to be part of what was going through his head right now. Part of her wanted to be angry, like she'd been when Riley had had his hissy fit over Angel, but this wasn't just some pissing contest. Spike had legitimate grievances against Angel that had absolutely nothing to do with her. Asking him to shelve those and play nice wasn't really being fair to him.

Yeah, well, life isn't fair, she thought. If it was, they wouldn't even be together and Thursday wouldn't exist. Sometimes fair sucked big time while unfair gave you perfect little miracles. Spike knew that just as much as she did, and he was damn good at rolling with the punches. The only reason he'd wallowed as much as he had in Entebbe was because he'd given himself permission to get the majority out of his system all in one go. He needed to revoke that permission, pull on his big boy panties, and get himself and Thursday down to L.A.

Before she could say as much, Spike closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep, shuddering breath. "Here. She'll need a feed before we head out of town," he said, gently handing Thursday over to her. His voice was disturbingly dull, and he wouldn't meet her eyes. "The jars you refilled earlier should do her for a bit. She'll manage on formula after until you can pick her up from Angel. Send you an address when I can. I'd… I'd at least like pictures of her."

Pictures of…? What the hell? He's leaving me, she thought numbly. Leaving us. No. No, that wasn't it. Spike didn't leave. It wasn't who he was. He just thought she didn't want him anymore. Stupid vampire was being… stupid. And she had her arms full of baby at the moment so she couldn't even smack him.

"Damn it, Spike!" she snapped. "I want you to leave because I love you, you idiot! And I want you to come back once this is all over." The look he gave her was startled and confused. She forgot sometimes that he had almost as many abandonment issues as she did. "There's no one I'd rather have at my back, but –"

The crypt door suddenly burst open, cutting her off. Riley's old buddy Graham stood there with four other men, Dawn between them all with a Styrofoam cooler in her arms.

…

..

Was amazing, the amount of clarity you could get from a threat waltzing right in as if it owned the place. Adrenaline – or the vampire equivalent thereof – jolted through Spike at the sight of the group of humans. Soldier boys. They were in civvies, but he recognized one of the lot. A voice in his head was yammering on about being helpless, but he ruthlessly shoved it down.

Sod that, he thought, eyes narrowing. The fact that they were human just meant he couldn't get in a nice dose of violence. It didn't take away all of his options, and it didn't make him useless. It just meant he had to get a bit creative.

Grab the leader and one of the others and bash their heads together. A bit silly, yeah, but effective for knocking out two enemies at once. Then he'd push Dawn to the ground and ride out the pain from the chip while keeping her covered. The soldiers would have to get through him before they could get to the girl. He was tough enough to take whatever they could dish out and give the Slayer time to get Thursday tucked away and subdue them.

"It's okay, they're on our side!" Dawn called out before Spike could act on his plan. "Sort of. I think."

Bloody hell. He'd been looking forward to a good row, even if he couldn't do much in the way of hitting. Would have at least gotten to see Buffy in action. Always a joy, that. Definitely would have done something about the mood he was in. 'Course, the nibblet could be wrong about things or just saying it under duress.

"We're just here to find Finn," the man in charge – Graham he thought the bloke's name was – said. "He vanished right in front of his squad in the middle of a mission about three weeks ago. We remotely reactivated the Initiative surveillance cameras once it was determined his disappearance wasn't due to the locals, so we know he's in town."

Well, that explained where Finn had come from, then. Wanker really had scarpered after Buffy had given him what for, and Willow had fetched him back. Would anyone bother if it was Spike who took off? He glanced back at Buffy, and his insecurities tried to overwhelm him again. Bugger off, he told them. They were in the middle of something here, and being a self-centered wanker wasn't going to help the situation any.

"You want to rescue Riley, that means you're going to need our help," she said quietly, an odd tone to her voice as she shifted the sprog to one arm so she could wrap the other around his waist. The physical contact helped, soothed the jagged edges. "If you want that help, you're going to have to give us something we need."

Spike frowned but didn't say anything. He had no idea what she was on about – they were the ones bloody well in need of help, not the other way 'round – but he wasn't going open his mouth and muck up whatever she had planned. He did, though, wave Dawn over to them. A couple of the soldier boys tensed, but they let her come through. She put the cooler down and took Thursday from Buffy.

Graham's lips compressed into a thin line, but he sounded calm when he asked, "What exactly is it you need from us, Summers? What is it that's so important that you won't help Riley without it? You know, they guy you used to date before you drove him to vampire addiction?"

"You watch your bloody mouth," Spike growled, feeling Buffy flinch against him. "Not her fault Finn wasn't man enough to handle being with a strong woman."

"Stay out of this, hostile. It's none of your –"

"How fast can you get a surgeon here?" Buffy asked, cutting him off. "One who could take out one those microchips Walsh came up with?"

It took Spike a moment to realize what she was getting at, mainly because the entire idea was such a shock. She wanted…. No, that wasn't…. Free, he'd finally be free. Free to… to maim and kill. To murder innocents and leave their families in despair. Oh god, what the hell was she thinking? She couldn't do this.

"No," he said, pulling away from Buffy and shaking his head. "You can't…. It isn't… it isn't safe."

Buffy frowned, and sighed. "Come on, Spike, you can't possibly be afraid of the consequences." How could she say that? She knew what he'd been before the chip had put a stop to the worst of his evil. "You're a vampire. Even if the doctor makes a mistake, you'll heal, especially if I give you some of my blood after."

"That's not…. Buffy, I'm not safe."

Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped as she finally understood. He turned away from her, wrapping his arms around himself to stop the sudden shaking. If he agreed…. If he agreed, no more being vulnerable to humans. He'd be able to bite again. And that just led back to his fears. The pain had kept him honest for so long. He didn't trust his soul to do the same. He was weak. He was bad. He'd said yes.

"Spike," Buffy said softly, gently grabbing his arm. "You don't need the chip. It's not helping you with anything. It's just holding you back."

"I…"

"Please, Spike?" she whispered. "I… I lied. I do need you. I need you at my back. As my partner. And you can't be that with the chip. Not fully."

He closed his eyes, struggling with the conflicting emotions. He wanted the bloody thing out of his head. It was a muzzle holding him back, making him weak. He wanted it to stay, to be a crutch he could lean on to make sure he'd stay safe.

That's what it would be, if I kept it, he realized. A crutch. Just an excuse to not actually grow and become a better person. The sodding thing hadn't forced him to do good before the soul. He'd done that himself. For Buffy.

He opened his eyes and took a deep breath. "Right then. Let's do this."