Chapter Ten

A day. Two days. Three days. A week.

Two weeks Lillian ploughed on valiantly, attending her crops and animals like there was no tomorrow. After her breakdown on the sofa in her home she vowed to pick herself up, dust herself down, and carry on with life. Naturally, she avoided going into town wherever possible, knowing that if she so much as saw Cam from a distance, then her efforts would have all been for nought. Although, her troubles were far from over when Ash came knocking one late evening.

Three loud knocks echoed through her house. Confused, and setting her book down on the coffee table, Lillian got up to answer it.

"Ash," she said, an element of surprise in her voice. "What are you doing here?"

"Just a chat," he said simply with a casual shrug, but Lillian knew different. There was no way Ash was calling at gone ten o'clock in the evening for a friendly talk.

"Please, come in." She held the door wider and Ash tipped his hat graciously.

He took his shoes off once inside and glanced around, a low whistle escaping his lips. "You've done this place up really nice."

"Thanks," she said with a smile. "Take a seat if you like."

Returning her smile, he made his way over to the sofa, where he sat down in the middle. Lillian sat beside him though left a reasonable amount of space between them. An awkward silence fell upon them for the first time since they had known each other. After a while, Lillian couldn't take it anymore.

"So… what's up?" she asked after clearing her throat. Somehow, she had already anticipated his answer.

"I won't beat about the bush," said Ash. He loosened the collar of his shirt. "Cam's in a bad way."

Without thinking, she snorted. "It's not exactly been a picnic for me, either."

"Of course not, no… I didn't mean…" Ash trailed off with the air of a man trying to keep the peace yet speak on behalf of his best friend. Lillian knew that he wasn't here to reprimand her but she bristled and became slightly on the defensive anyway.

"I appreciate what you're doing, Ash," said Lillian shortly. "But if you're here to talk about how Cam is feeling why couldn't here come here himself?"

"He – he doesn't know I'm here. And in all honesty, I think he'd be afraid of you knocking his head off anyway," Ash added.

Against the irritation she was now feeling, Lillian felt slightly amusement. "Well, I wouldn't hit him, no, but maybe shout a little bit."

Ash smiled and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "Heh, I guess that would be more acceptable, then, considering…" He trailed off before clearing his throat. "If you want my opinion… I don't think he went about doing the right thing."

"Oh?" Lillian contemplated Ash with newly piqued interest.

"He's had a tough life," Ash said simply. "He thought he did the right thing for many reasons but I see the regret in his eyes every time I talk to him, and when I'm speaking and he's looking but not really seeing, and I know he's thinking about you."

"Has he said that?" she asked, her heart pounding.

"No," came the reply and her face fell. "But," Ash added, "he doesn't need to. He doesn't talk about his thoughts or feelings a lot, not even to me and I'm his best friend. Only I can tell."

"But we're not getting back together, and I doubt we'll even talk again," Lillian said blandly. She refused to get her hopes up. Even if what Ash was saying was true, it didn't mean anything until Cam said it himself.

"Give it time," said Ash bracingly. "He's a proud guy but –"

"I will not wait around on someone who won't come in person to talk about their feelings," she snapped. "I appreciate everything you've told me, but it's heart-breaking enough to see him and catch his eye, never mind getting my hopes up for something that might not even be true." She sighed and rubbed her temples. Her voice was softer when she spoke again. "I'm sorry, Ash. I want to hear all this from him, for us to talk – or maybe shout a bit on my part – and know that his heart is truly in it before I open myself to him or anyone again. I don't think I could take being hurt a second time."

Ash's brow crinkled in the middle. "I understand." He got to his feet. "I'm here if you need a friend, though."

She smiled warmly at him, the first real smile in days. Her face felt stiff when she did so. "Thank you. I'll see you out."

He held up his hands. "No need. I'm sure you could do with a good night's rest. I'll see you around."

He tipped his hat before exiting through the front door. He shrugged his jacket around himself to try and keep warm. Out in the dark, a figure was waiting for him.

"Well?"

"A no go. She didn't believe what the middle man said… better you try for yourself."

Cam groaned quietly as the two young men began walking back to the middle of town. "I just can't handle seeing the hurt in her face…"

"Well it was you that caused it," Ash told him seriously. "Listen, it'd be a lot better if you talked it out. I know you're not a big talker when it comes to your feelings," he added before his friend could interrupt him, "but you may have to lower your pride a little on this one. Lillian is a headstrong girl; we both know that. And you messed her up so now it's up to you to pick up the pieces. I did my best and it didn't work. The ball is in your court now."

They had arrived at Ash's house. He clapped Cam on the shoulder encouragingly.

Cam watched his friend go and then sighed heavily. How on earth could he fix this?

Ash's visit remained vivid in Lillian's mind over the next week. Now her emotions were running even more haywire – were that even possible – to the extent she tried to milk her alpaca. She desperately wanted to forget about Cam. Thinking about him made her chest ache. Her initial anger had slowly abated. On the one hand, this was good, as she didn't waste energy seething in silence, yet on the other hand, it allowed room to miss him more. She knew it was over. In her hearts of hearts, she knew it would be unwise to become hopeful. So, harvesting her crops that morning before the harsh winter weather began, Lillian made her way to Kana's shop in Konahona. Usually, she would go to Grady's, but as it was Friday, did not want to risk bumping into Cam on his day off.

"Morning, Lillian!" Kana called cheerfully as she entered his shop. He was currently filling up the food bowls of his many pets. "What can I do for you?"

"Just browsing. I want a friend for Big Ben – there's getting too many cows for him to herd, and he's a bit rough with the cat and the smaller dog…"

"Say no more." Kana flashed her a smile. "I've got this big guy here –" He broke off as a huge dog gambolled about the room and nearly knocked everything in the vicinity over.

"He's cute," Lillian smiled, bending down to scratch the dog behind its ears. "You're a good boy, aren't you?"

The dog wagged its tail erratically so it was only a blur.

"He's a bit boisterous but relatively well-behaved," Kana explained.

"I'll take him," Lillian said firmly. She passed over her money and tied a leash around the dog's neck. "Good boy, Zeke."

Kana looked on fondly. "So how's things with you, Lillian? Haven't seen you around for a while."

Her smile faded. "Well… I'm doing better. Yourself?"

He shrugged nonchalantly. "Can't complain." He stretched and her eyes wandered across his broad shoulders and well-muscled arms. She looked away hastily before he caught her staring. "I've heard your farm is coming along well."

"Uh, y-yeah, it is," she said shyly. "I mean, it gets me by." She cleared her throat. "You could come by some time, see how it's doing…"

"That'd be great," he grinned. "And try some of that fresh milk I keep hearing everyone boast about?"

"Sure," she said. Suddenly, she felt dirty, traitorous, as if inviting Kana to her farm was going against some obligation she had made to Cam. But surely there was no harm in it – nearly everyone had been to visit her at some point. Convincing herself it was entirely innocent, she began to calm down. Until…

"So, Lillian; how would you like to go on a date with me?"

She wasn't at home. Where was she? He hadn't seen her in town all day.

Cam sighed and leant against the wooden slats of her house and closed his eyes. The heat of the late autumn day was quickly evaporating. He wondered whether to wait for her to come back, or leave, and keep trying.

He opened his eyes and looked down at his hand. There, clutched lightly in his fist, was a single blue rose, accompanied by a now slightly crumpled note. After watching the afternoon sun begin to set in the sky, he made up his mind.

Sweating slightly, he turned the door knob on the front door and entered Lillian's house.

A date. Date. With Kana.

Lillian walked briskly back through the tunnel and straight to her farm, his words ringing in her ears. Zeke ambled close behind her and barely made it through the front door before she shut it in her apparent distraction. Immediately, she sensed that something was wrong, a disequilibrium in her house. Standing stock still and glancing around warily, she found it: set upon the dining table was something blue. All thought of Kana flew from her mind. On close inspection she saw that it was a single blue rose with a note next to it. Her heart began to pound until she was sure it would burst out of her chest. Even without reading the note, she knew who the rose was from. For a moment she felt angry; angry that Cam had trespassed and entered her house without her permission, violating her privacy. But this soon evaporated when she read the six simple words scrawled hurriedly on the decrepit piece of paper.

Meet me where we first met

Giddy, she re-read the note several times over until she thought it had been embedded in her brain and burned on the backs of her eyelids. She glanced at the clock, the time telling her it was a little past four o'clock in the afternoon. Her instinctive reaction was to go, to see him, to fix all this mess… however was overrode by her strong desire to rebel – to go against being told what to do. Such was her personality, she felt spectacularly torn. She desperately wanted to meet him, to see his face and the small half-smirk he wore whenever he spoke to her, and to look deep into those green eyes that she had fallen in love with and bore his soul to her. Lillian's stomach knotted up as she thought about him and re-read the brief note. If she didn't go, she could lose him forever, and she did not relish the dull ache that persisted in her chest whenever she awoke at 2am and reached next to her to find the bed empty. Sighing, she carded a hand through her hair, running her fingers through the ends. In an irritable manner, she set about filling the kettle for a cup of tea; anything to keep herself busy. Once the kettle had boiled, she stewed green tea leaves, then added a spoonful of seasonal honey and sprig of mint. Automatically, Lillian glanced at the clock when the hand was a little past four thirty – it was if tar had been thrown on the clock hands: every second like a minute, every minute like an hour.

Resigned to the imminent boredom she would experience should she sit watching time go by, Lillian drained her cup and wandered over to her bed. With a great yawn and stretch, she collapsed atop her bed, fully-clothed, and proceeded to fall asleep.

It was late.

Lillian knew she had overslept from the way the pitch blackness outside pressed against the window panes and the knot that lay heavy in her stomach. Cursing, she leapt of her bed and pelted towards the door, pausing only to grab a jacket from the hat stand. Outside, cold bit at her face and her exposed hands, and near-frozen ground dug into her bare feet. She began running blindly, still befuddled with sleep, her heart pounding with overexertion and panic. Lillian pressed on valiantly, doing her best to ignore the burning in her chest.

Panting, and blinded by sweat and desperation, she hurtled through bushes to cut a corner and collided with someone on the lower mountain path. She reeled back from shock. Pushing her damp hair out of her face, she looked up.

"I didn't think you were coming," a choked voice whispered into the still night air.

"Me neither," was all Lillian could say in response. An amalgam of feelings rose to the surface: excitement, anger, love and sorrow, merging together into an undiscernible mess. She didn't know what she wanted to feel first.

"It's good to see you," Cam said.

Lillian said nothing. Part of her couldn't believe that he was right here in front of her, proof that he was real, what they had was real, rather than a distant memory that she had tried to forget.

"I made a promise to myself tonight," he continued, seemingly unperturbed by her silence, "that if you didn't come, I was going to leave… for good."

Her eyes glared at him through the gloom, speech returning to her. "What? Why? That's utterly ridiculous! How could you leave behind the life you have found here and the people who care about you so much? Think of how heartbroken Laney and Howard would be! All because of me? How do you think I could live with the guilt? Harvest Goddess!" she burst out savagely. "You are so selfish, Cam!"

"I know," he said quietly. He had allowed her to rant without interruption. She was right, after all. "I – I've been such a mess recently." Lillian gave a derisive snort, which he ignored. "Being without you was… torture. Like I had unwillingly given away half of my organs or something; I felt – I felt –" Cam broke off, words failing him. Empty, was the right word. Hollow, even, like a husk of a person, merely existing, going about his daily business. Everything he did became simple verbs with no other context or meaning: wake up, eat, sleep, work, shower. His precious flowers blurred into garish blotches of colour and his fingers bundled bouquets together automatically as if of their own accord. He desperately wanted to put this into words, but found he couldn't, that the lump that had risen in his throat prevented him from speaking.

Lillian's hand twitched, as if she would dearly love to cup his cheek, to tell him that everything would be fine, that she still loved him, but then all the hurt she had felt came drifting back. She could see how he was torn, running an exasperated hand through his hair and shifting his weight from foot to foot.

"Please say something," he whispered after a long time. It was almost desperate.

She sighed. "Fine. Let's talk out of the cold, though, shall we?"

"The café?"

"I'd rather not to return to the place where you dumped me and broke my heart," she replied harshly, beginning to walk back to the centre of town. She took a moment to glance at him and, through the slivers of moonlight through the trees, saw him wince at the harshness of her words. Cam didn't reply and continued to keep his head down and hands in his pockets until they reached the boundaries of her farm. He looked at her, to explain or to say something to break the silence, but she did not. Instead, she let herself into her house, Cam close behind. She indicated a chair at the kitchen table, which he took. For a moment, he very much looked like how he did when she first met him: impassive, his eyes unreadable, and a small crease between his eyebrows. Then, he met her gaze properly for the first time in a fortnight and he watched her wearily. Now she felt pity amongst her ire.

"I'm sorry," Cam finally said, breaking the silence. "I thought I was going it for the best… but that was selfish of me. I was thinking of myself."

Lillian nodded slowly. "Well, you've got that right, at least."

He pinched the bridge of his nose and his voice wavered when he spoke again. "I – I need you. You… made me the happiest I had been in a long time, and I don't want to lose you forever."

"You nearly did."

"I realise that."

She sighed for what felt like the umpteenth time that night. "This is getting us nowhere, Cam. What do you want me to do?"

"Say you forgive me." He smiled weakly at her. She almost laughed.

"I want to," she told him truthfully, her voice the softest yet. "But that won't eradicate the hurt. I look at you and I remember what we had, what we could have, but I'm scared, to be honest."

Cam stood and took a few steps towards her, concern on his face, which turned to hurt when she instinctively moved backwards.

"Don't," she pleaded, knowing that he itched to hold her and put the world to rights; but in doing that she knew that she would dissolve into tears and take him back. She wanted to, but needed to put this right. "I'm scared that you will leave me again."

"I won't," he whispered sincerely, "never again."

She shook her head. "I want to believe you – and I probably will, in time."

"Lillian –"

"Cam, please," she interrupted him irritably. "If… if we are to do this, then we are going to do this right."

He frowned, perplexed. "How do you mean?"

"As in…" She inhaled deeply, trying to find the correct words. "From the beginning: dating, and so on. Can you do that? For me? I need to know you are serious about this – and that I can trust you again."

A moment's pause. Of course he would do that for her. He would give her the moon if she so asked for it.

"Yes," he said finally. He advanced towards her, his heart beating rapidly, and to his relief she did not back away. Slowly, hesitantly, he enveloped her in his arms, breathing in that citrusy scent that he had so missed. "I'll start with 'sorry' again."

"That works," she mumbled, muffled against his chest.

"How many times do I have to say it?"

She looked up at him. "I'll let you know when you get there."