[Author's Note: Finally, the light at the end of the tunnel! Since you've all come this far, through the long, slow spiral to the breakup, I won't make you wait for the reunion. Here's the final chapter. More from me at the end. ~VB517]
Chapter 9
10:49 PM
Lauren sat on the floor of her loft, her back against a painted cement wall. All the loft's lights were off, even the one over the rarely used stove, and only the city lights outside provided illumination for her to see.
She didn't want to see anything too clearly.
All things considered, Bo had taken it well. She had asked, only once, for Lauren to reconsider, but Lauren had said that she could no longer continue their relationship, told Bo she loved her, and kissed Bo goodbye before leaving. Bo had said nothing more.
Her eyes had told Lauren a different story.
Lauren wasn't sure how she'd made it home, since she'd navigated the distance between Bo's clubhouse and her own loft through vision increasingly blurred by tears, but here she was.
The overall ache from the antidote had faded. She'd managed to drink several glasses of water, but couldn't bring herself to eat anything. She was empty, beyond exhausted, and once again, lost and alone.
Lauren was honestly amazed that she was still breathing air. How someone could hurt so much from heartbreak and shame yet not die from the pain was currently beyond her comprehension.
She could have gone to bed, but she was too heartbroken to sleep. She could have moved from the floor, but it would take energy she didn't currently possess, and being down here suited her mood at the moment. She might have called someone to ease her suffering, but if she couldn't call the one person she wanted more than anyone, what was the point?
So Lauren sat on the floor, and stared out the window at the city skyline and what few stars she could see, and let her fractured mind wander where it would.
11:51 PM
Lauren looked over at the microwave's display in the kitchen, absently surprised to see that she'd been sitting in the same place for an hour.
It didn't seem like she was going to move now, either.
The list played repeatedly in her mind's eye.
Lied to Bo about joining the Dark. Lied to everyone about leaving the Light. Stole from the Dark Fae archives. Not trusting Bo about Rainer. Not trusting Bo, period.
Slept with Evony and made her human. Blackmailed Evony into creating a clinic so she could create a serum she had no intention of giving Evony and ultimately, took herself. Lied to Evony for months about her progress.
Lied to Bo about where the serum came from. And then - worst of all - Lauren had listened to Jack. To Hades, ruler of Tartarus.
Every sin. Every transgression. Every unintended consequence of every bad choice that had brought her here.
She had royally fucked it all up.
What had happened to her ideals? Was she really so morally fluid that her beliefs, her oaths, could just fly out the window whenever she thought it would serve her?
To think that by stripping Evony of her Fae abilities that she was saving Bo's life - when Bo had proven time and time again that she could take care of herself against impossible odds - in retrospect, this had been a horrible and arrogant choice. Yes, the Morrigan had been dangerous, but Bo would have never asked Lauren to do what she had done.
Is that why I chose not to tell her?
When had she decided that she could twist the truth to suit her?
She had been deferent to the old Ash, never stepped out of line, and always did exactly what she was told. There had been no subterfuge, no hidden agenda, no personal goals outside of curing Nadia.
Lauren realized that all of that had changed when Bo came to town. Soon after, whatever she could do to help Bo, she moved heaven and earth to do it. But when had she decided that it was ok to completely color outside of the lines?
Since when did a woman mean more to her than doing what was right? Furthermore, Bo would kick her ass for making those choices, would never have asked them of her, and would insist that she get her priorities back in line.
This stops now, Lauren thought.
So, now that she had this giant pile of fuckups in her immediate past that she had to learn to live with, what in the world was she going to do now?
12:43 AM
Now that the damage had been done, now that Lauren had taken the antidote and broken off things with Bo, now that she was alone in the dark hashing over every mistake and every bad choice she'd made in the last few months, she came to the subject she least wanted to examine.
Massimo.
Despite her current emotional state, Lauren tried to put a little distance between the details of the experiences she'd had and the feelings they caused. She began by simply reviewing the facts.
Massimo had killed Hale. He had kidnapped Lauren. He had swallowed the Origin Seed in an attempt to become the most powerful being in the Fae world, and failed because his human body couldn't handle the immensity of that much power.
Lauren hadn't kidnapped or killed anyone - this time, she thought darkly - but she had damned Evony to a fate the woman would never have chosen for herself. Lauren had repeatedly injected herself with a serum with the intention of changing her own human makeup.
Whether she wanted to admit it or not, she and Massimo had quite a few things in common. And for all the mistakes she'd made and the horrors he'd committed, they'd both done it out of love.
The shame and self-disgust nearly broke her again.
Massimo had been childlike in his pursuit of Evony's love and acceptance, but vicious and manipulative in his actions. While Lauren hadn't flat out killed anyone, people were still dead, and she'd done irreparable damage by blindly searching for everlasting life.
Evony was right - Lauren had been ruthless in the pursuit of her goal, and only near death did she concede.
For a single moment, Lauren was glad that she was emotionally raw and damned near spiritually naked. Perhaps hitting rock bottom hard enough to break bones would force her back to square one.
She had to relearn who she truly was, because the mistakes that had brought her here could never be repeated.
1:17 AM
Destroy them. Keep them. Destroy them. Keep them. Destroy them. Keep them.
She really wanted to destroy them.
Those journals detailed her biggest failure. Every injection, every cited reference to every twisted dark archive volume she'd read, every step of her descent into - whatever the hell she'd been. It was all there on page after increasingly demented page.
Hell, if Evony ever reads them, I am fucked. Lauren's journals showed how far back her plan had begun to neutralize Evony as a threat. It wasn't pretty. Human or not, Evony would find a way to kill her.
Yet, for several reasons, she needed to keep them.
For one, she wanted to acknowledge the scientific process. The research she'd conducted had been extensive and, while hurried in some places, quite thorough.
For another, there might be something in those journals that she'd need to reference later. There was a great deal of information that had nothing to do with her serum's research - cases involving patients that she'd treated, work that she'd done with Sam.
Sam. Lauren was scared to wonder what Sam would have thought about all this.
And lastly, she didn't want to destroy them only because their existence made her extremely uncomfortable, or feared that someone else might find them. Those were not logical responses, and no way to reach a decision about the scientific ramifications of keeping or destroying them.
Then there was the serum itself.
Perhaps, if she worked on a synthetic version? Modified her hypothesis, and take a few months to run the proper simulations? What if she just slowed down and took more time with the research? She didn't necessarily have to test it again on herself, right?
She wondered if alcoholics and addicts used similar arguments.
Ultimately, though, she knew that she would not continue this line of research. It was dangerous, and addicting, with the possibility of permanent side effects at best and death at worst - and after having seen how far she might be willing to go to achieve success, she knew that she needed to abandon it because she couldn't be trusted to respond rationally to anything involving her personal relationship.
She had to discontinue all research associated with that serum. Which meant that she wouldn't be taking it in the future.
She would remain human.
Though she thought she was done crying, something in her broke at the knowledge that this path and its possibilities needed to be pushed aside forever, and the tears started again.
Lauren let them fall.
2:21 AM
She wondered if, considering how much she'd cried already this night, she might be severely dehydrated. How much could she cry before there was nothing left?
Lauren understood, logically, that the pain she felt was psychosomatic, but she would swear on a stack of Gray's right now that she was physically broken. Something deep in her abdomen ached from severing herself from Bo.
Perhaps she'd made a huge mistake breaking things off so quickly. There were so many other paths they could take. Had she picked the most painful path possible?
And there was so much she needed to apologize for, so much Bo needed to know so that she would understand all of it - why the serum meant so much, why losing herself was such a dangerous and frightening proposition.
Lauren had nothing but her knowledge, her skills and her self-respect, and she had used both of the former to utterly destroy the latter. Could she really tell Bo about all of that? And have Bo still love her when Lauren was done revealing the cold, bitter truth?
Tonight, though, she wished she could just pull Bo inside her head, to see why she'd made the choices she had. She didn't want any more secrets between them - Lauren's lies of omission had nearly gotten herself killed, and put Bo in a dangerous place.
Why had she kept so many secrets from Bo?
Is it possible that I don't trust her as much as I say I do?
3:09 AM
She wondered what it might be like to love someone else. Someone other than Bo.
The first time she fell in love, she'd been a sophomore at Yale. A dazzling lacrosse player from Montana, of all places. The sex was hot, everything was urgent, everything was important.
Now, it took Lauren a good full minute to remember her name.
She'd dated a few others while in college and medical school, but didn't truly fall in love again until Nadia. There was something magical and idealistic about Nadia - a purity of spirit that Lauren envied and found irresistible. It hadn't been perfect - in so many ways, she felt as if Nadia had only endured Lauren's quirks and dedication - but it had been true. Until the Congo. Until the Fae.
And then there was Bo.
What was it about this one woman?
Sometimes, Lauren felt like her lungs couldn't get enough air when Bo was around. Yet when she held Bo in her arms, she felt so, so full - as if the rest of the world could just disappear and she would not care one little bit. Something about Bo turned Lauren's brain off - and that was an immense effect because she was always thinking, always planning, always working some puzzle.
Lauren could walk into the Dal, find it packed wall to wall with people, yet sense immediately whether or not Bo was in the room, even if she couldn't see her. When they were in the same room, she could close her eyes and she would still know where Bo stood. What kind of science was that? Did Bo emit some frequency that some part of Lauren's hindbrain could hear?
Seriously. Why her?
Lauren was like a satellite orbiting Bo, and Bo had a gravitational pull that she could not deny or resist.
Sometimes she wondered if she was just in love with the idea of Bo. The strong warrior, the noble spirit, physically perfect, drop dead gorgeous, generous to a fault, and good gods, the sex -
Christ, Lewis. Give it a rest.
And in her heart of hearts, her deepest darkest truth was that she feared that she didn't really care who Bo slept with. Lauren's ego put up a fight because she didn't want to feel taken for granted, or used, or walked on, but there was a part of her that would take Bo anyway she could get her.
Love was so odd, she thought distantly. There was no rhyme or reason for it, no telling how it worked, no logic to it at all - you either loved someone or you didn't.
And as sure as she knew the base elements by heart and in order, she knew that she loved Bo Dennis.
It didn't matter what it would be like to love someone else. Lauren wasn't capable of it.
4:52 AM
It was easy to forget that Bo wasn't just another Fae.
Lauren was often so despondent over the fact that, as a human, she wasn't enough for Bo's succubus appetites, that she forgot about the big picture altogether. Or only thought of Bo in the context of human vs. Fae, average vs. superhuman.
Bo had been raised human, and only discovered her true nature as a result of a human death - her first boyfriend, Kyle. She ran away from her adopted parents when they turned against her instead of helping her, and was on her own for ten years.
By the time Lauren met her, Bo was streetwise and strong, but had no idea who she was, how she did what she did when she killed people, and at that point, she was introduced to her true nature.
That in itself was such a big deal, such a huge contrast for Bo, that she only seemed to refer to her life from two perspectives - that of a woman raised by humans in a human world, or that of an unaligned succubus in a world of Light vs. Dark Fae.
The problem with that was that it didn't take into account the even larger picture. Bo was one of the most powerful Fae - ever.
Without training, and no understanding of her own abilities, she had faced two powerful Fae before representatives of the whole colony and survived a barbaric test meant to destroy her. Over the last five years, she had defeated every significant opponent who had ever tried to get the best of her - including those even the Blood King feared.
She was so powerful, so compelling, two Fae warriors over a thousand years old - Dyson and Tamsin - each with centuries of battle experience, had fallen in line and let Bo take the lead.
Bo had even walked the under-realms, and lived to tell the tale.
Now that Lauren knew the whole truth, Bo's many victories in spite of absurdly high odds made perfect sense. Not to discount Bo's own persistence and cunning, but she was bred to be a champion - grand-daughter of the Blood King himself, daughter of one of the most powerful succubi to walk the earth and, as recently discovered, daughter of Hades of the Ancients, the most legendary Fae in recorded history.
"Badass" didn't quite cover it. And Lauren had chosen instead to focus on the drama of their relationship. As if that were the biggest issue at hand.
How could Lauren forget that? How could she forget about the time the spirit of the powerful succubus within Bo spoke of her own power and used it to save Lauren's life by sucking the chi out of six different people at once? And that was before they'd pledged their love to one another.
Once she'd even been afraid of that power, but now - now she knew how much Bo loved her.
Still, if Lauren's life were threatened now, what would Bo do? Even more frightening, what - or who - would Bo sacrifice to save Lauren?
The Dark Queen within Bo was strong enough to save them all, yes - but she was also capable of destroying every last one of them.
And Lauren had not only betrayed her by siding with Hades, but she had once again broken Bo's heart.
Lauren idly wondered why she didn't fear the Dark Queen's retribution.
6:04 AM
It was like a leap in an icy stream when the thought occurred to Lauren.
She didn't know why Bo loved her.
At this point, it really didn't matter since Lauren had ended their relationship, but Lauren fixated on the point for a while.
Why me?
When Lauren looked at Bo, she saw a beautiful woman and a powerful succubus who would walk the earth for a long, long time. This brief time together, these few years in each other's lives, would be a splash in a bucket for Bo. Lauren honestly believed that Bo would have so many lovers in her lifetime that her memories of Lauren would eventually fade.
Lauren had never once thought that, as a human, she'd be able to keep Bo for very long. Bo was never hers to keep.
Perhaps that's how the madness began, with the hope that it might be possible to be all that Bo would ever need, and that led to dangerous choices on Lauren's part.
She stared off into the dark for a long while, wondering why Bo had chosen her, and it took her a long, long time to admit that she'd never know the answer.
If there was no rhyme or reason to explain why she loved Bo, the same could be said for why Bo loved her.
7:18 AM
She stretched her legs out in front of her, and stared at the skyline she could see from her loft. It really was a beautiful city, and while she couldn't yet see the sun directly, sunlight already washed a few of the high-rises downtown.
Lauren didn't have to stay here.
While her identity was fabricated, the credentials were real. She had attended Yale and served in the military as Karen Beattie, but thanks to her indentured servitude to the Fae and some creative identification modification under the direction of the old Ash, Dr. Lauren Lewis now had those same credentials.
Lauren could pack all this shit up, set fire to her life in this colony and just start over somewhere else. Somewhere far away - somewhere human.
She played the thought out to its natural conclusion, and arrived quite quickly at the truth: she'd be bored out of her mind in six months. The very thought that the Fae existed would plague her for the rest of her professional life. She would always know that somewhere, someone would be working on the science that she had pioneered, but she herself would no longer be contributing to that research, and it would eat her away to nothing.
No, returning exclusively to the human world wasn't an option. Even if it were possible for her to remain undetected by the Fae.
She could move to another colony.
In fact, the thought had crossed her mind more than once. After Nadia's death, she'd considered it and then ruled it out because she figured it would be just as bad somewhere else. It was possible she could find a place where she would be valued for her experience and expertise.
It was more likely, however, that she'd end up somewhere humans were treated even worse. What had she told Bo once about choosing the cage that gave her the most control?
But when she thought about leaving Bo…about being somewhere else in the world, knowing Bo was here…
That settled that line of thought rather quickly. Whether they were lovers or friends - or neither - she wasn't going anywhere.
8:58 AM
It was a testament to her weakened condition that she'd sat on the floor such a long time. She'd been so dehydrated that she hadn't needed to go to the bathroom the entire night, and was only now beginning to feel the pangs of hunger.
Not that she thought she could eat.
She washed her hands thoroughly, and then dried them on a nearby hand towel before forcing herself to look at her own reflection in the bathroom mirror.
It took sheer force of will to hold her own eyes.
No matter what I've done, I will not break.
This wasn't the first time in her life that Lauren had made colossal mistakes, but right now - just as she had back then - she could not allow herself to quit, to give up, to grovel, to hide, to let the regret and shame and heartache break her. If there was one thing she knew how to do, it was to hold her head up and keep moving forward.
You failed. Try again.
It was an old mantra. One she hadn't used in a very long time - a tool to help her through school, and the aftermath of her brother's death. Back when she was in graduate school, when an experiment hadn't worked as she'd hypothesized, and it seemed like all of her work had been for naught, she'd give herself five minutes to freak out, scream, cry, rant about the unfairness of the universe. Five minutes - and then she'd wipe her tears, figuratively dust herself off, and get back to work.
You failed. Try again.
She held her own gaze, and tried to push back the scathing self-judgment for just a few seconds longer.
Well, this time, Lewis, you've cried enough. Your five minutes are up. Get back to work.
10:13 AM
She started with a shower.
This wasn't her first heartbreak, thought it was definitely the worst. She knew the key was putting one foot in front of the other, and sticking to the basics. Hydration, hygiene, nourishment. So she drank a liter of water and headed for the shower. Then she'd see if she could force herself to eat something.
The water was scalding hot - as if she could use it to wash away the shame and the guilt - but helped ease the tightness in her shoulders and lower back.
She really, really, really wanted to take it all back. To go to Bo, and say that she was wrong, and tell her everything. Yet Lauren knew that she couldn't do that - not now.
Right now, Lauren needed to be a soldier until they'd figured out how to beat Jack. And her role this time was completely different. This wasn't like the Garuda, when she'd been the key to its defeat. She didn't think that she could use science to help Bo against her father.
She'd wanted to remove herself as a distraction, so that's what she needed to do. At least for now. Help Bo when asked, stay out of the way when needed, provide whatever support she could. She had lived without Bo before, so she could do it again.
It hurt like hell, but she'd brought it on herself, and she needed to be strong enough to set aside her own needs. Lauren had already taken up too much space in Bo's world. She needed to fall in line, not draw too much attention to herself - no matter how much it hurt - and help Bo win the war.
Skin red and raw from the pounding spray of the shower, Lauren wrapped a towel around herself and stepped into the cooler air of her bedroom to track down some clean clothes.
The rest would have to wait.
11:41 AM
Lauren sat in a corner booth at the Dal, an untouched glass of single malt scotch on the table in front of her. She'd planned to get some food in her system, but when she opened her mouth to order a salad, a request for the scotch had come out instead.
She'd been staring at the glass for about twenty minutes.
Lauren had come to the painful and irrefutable conclusion, that she had made the biggest mistake of her life by breaking things off with Bo the night before, but there was no way to take it back. Not yet.
First of all, after everything she had done, and everything she and Bo had been through, there was no way in any world she could name that Bo would take her back once she'd learned the truth. And second, they needed to get Hades out of the picture.
She'd stared at the glass some more, while the air moved in a swirl around her.
"You know, you're putting fine whiskey - the Scottish kind - to waste."
It took her a few moments to even notice he was there. "What?" She looked at Vex, clearly confused. How long had he been sitting across from her? "Oh, hi, Vex." She sat back, and smiled grimly. "I'm sorry - if you need a massage for your hand or something, I'm not really in the space right now."
He looked at her as if she'd lost her mind. "My hand? My bloody hand?" He lowered his voice. "What about that wicked cock-up you proposed the other day? How about we talk about that?"
Lauren's brows furrowed. "What are you talking about?"
He leaned in, a surprised look on his face. "What am I talking about? Are you kidding me?" He looked around quickly to make sure no one was listening. "You, me, any Scuffock that might be around? The shitty method you used to call in your favor? This ringing any bells for you?"
She cleared her throat quietly, and then spoke in a hushed low voice. "I don't remember anything like that."
He laughed. "What? Are you playing me, doc?" His laugh faded to nothing as he seemed to realize that she wasn't kidding. He stared at her for a few moments, and though she was filled with shame and embarrassment, she didn't look away. "You really don't remember, do you?"
Lauren didn't say anything.
He pushed back so abruptly, the leather in the booth squeaked. "Bloody hell." He shook his head, picked up her glass of scotch and promptly tossed it all back in one gulp.
XX - XX - XX - XX - XX
It was the dead of night, and Lauren sat in Bo's bedroom, quiet and, though she was not the only person in the room, utterly alone.
Bo lay in her bed, rendered unconscious by her grief. Her mother, Aoife, and her grandfather, Fitzpatrick McCorrigan of Clan Fin Arvin, the Blood King, were dead - slain by Bo's father, Hades. The shock and devastation had been too much for Bo, and Dyson had found her, kneeling and covered in blood, between the bodies of her mother and grandfather.
Evidently, even Bo had her limits.
They'd brought her here, to her house, instead of the clinic. Dyson - and Vex, oddly enough - had insisted that this place was more secure than the clinic because they didn't know who might be looking for them. Lauren had disagreed, but didn't want to waste valuable time on the argument.
Instead, she'd managed to get some monitoring equipment from the clinic over to Bo's clubhouse, and they were all taking turns keeping an eye on Bo - watching for any change, but it had been days.
Three long, quiet, painful, slowly moving days. Dyson asked repeatedly why she wasn't waking up. Tamsin didn't say much but wouldn't leave Bo's side. Vex came and went, but stood and stared at Bo for extended lengths of time whenever he showed up.
Each of them had voiced concern that she might not wake up at all, but Lauren refused to agree with them.
Bo had to wake up. Lauren had too much to apologize for.
Dyson was once again checking the perimeter of the clubhouse. Vex had gone out to fetch some food for everyone. Tamsin was downstairs, pretending to be asleep on the couch, but actually watching cartoons on the big screen television over the rarely used fireplace.
Lauren sat alone in a chair, eyes moving from Bo's face to the equipment display and back again as the minutes crawled by.
She'd spent hours over the last three days thinking about the many layers of her relationship with Bo. What had only occurred to her tonight, however, as she watched Bo's unconscious yet steady breathing, was that she'd always thought of herself as more than or less than Bo, but never Bo's equal. Better educated, because she was a doctor while Bo had never finished high school. More experienced with the Fae, while Bo simply gleaned what little information she needed to beat the next bad guy.
And Lauren had thought herself less valuable, because she was only human.
They had been friends, lovers, girlfriends, but Lauren had never been a partner to Bo. She was either trying to protect and guide Bo, treating her almost like a willful teenager, or she was convinced that she herself wasn't enough for someone as powerful as Bo.
Always above or below. Never beside. Never equal.
Lauren realized that above all else, this was her greatest failure.
Tamsin's words in the courthouse came back to her. She hadn't paid much attention to them at the time, but Tamsin had taken her to safety so that Bo could fight without worrying about Lauren.
"You're the most important thing in her world. And everyone knows it."
Everyone, it seemed, but Lauren.
I want her. I love her. I don't even have a life without her anymore. I have given up so much and come so far from who I was. I am unrecognizable - unless she is looking at me. She sees something in me, something she clearly holds dear.
Bo had been right, from the start. There would always be some reason why they shouldn't be together, some battle that had to be fought, some evil that needed to be stopped.
Lauren thought she could probably add to that list - some puzzle that needed to be solved, some threat that only her experience and expertise could neutralize, some thing that she absolutely had to do.
All this time, these years wasted because of what she thought she had to do.
Lauren sat straight up in her chair with the coldest realization of her life.
I don't have to do shit.
Not only that, but she could choose to decide what was important and what wasn't.
None of it mattered unless she decided that it did. She couldn't control any of it, and her continued attempt to do exactly that had driven her so far from who she wanted to be she didn't even recognize the terrain.
Furthermore, no one was ordering her around anymore. She'd been making her own decisions and carving her own path - albeit a dangerous and harmful one - for weeks.
Vex had been right all along. In word and deed, Lauren was unclaimed and unaligned. While she was probably still under contract to the Light, who was going to enforce it? And while she was not officially Dark, she had proved that she could get whatever she needed whenever she needed it.
She didn't have to do a damned thing she didn't want to do. The choices were all hers.
Which meant that - perhaps - she could choose to have the one thing, the one person she wanted more than anything.
If that person would just wake up.
XX - XX - XX - XX - XX
- JOURNAL EXCERPT -
I seriously considered destroying the sections of journal that detail my experiences creating and self-administering the serum meant to lengthen my lifespan and increase the Fae conduit capabilities that resulted from its effects. Since I will never use that formula, or repeat that process, it seems prudent to destroy all evidence of its existence.
Yet I am not infallible, and it is only shame, or worse, self-importance, that would make me remove all trace of my greatest failure. So the journals remain intact.
I am a human being, and that is who I'll stay. While I am saddened by the knowledge that my time in this world is limited, I have rededicated myself to my commitment to healing and to the pursuit of knowledge, with the best interests in mind of humans and Fae alike.
I must do the best I can while I am here.
As for Bo…She woke from her vegetative state after we revived her using an elixir involving a Shtriga moth. She is emotionally weary, but driven to do what it takes to send Hades back to Tartarus.
Much has happened, including the discovery that Jack - Hades - disguised himself as Bo and slept with Tamsin. Tamsin is now pregnant with his child, and the pregnancy is accelerating rapidly. It's only been days, but she looks months along. The legends say that Valkyries die in childbirth, but I am hoping against hope that this is Fae hearsay, and there may be some medical way to keep her here on this mortal plane with her child.
Bo is on a mission with Kenzi - who returned to town when she heard about Trick and Aiofe - to track down the Pyrippus. I hope they are successful - I want this over as soon as possible.
We haven't talked about us at all.
One should never make life-changing decisions while under emotional and physiological duress. No, I cannot spend eternity with her, and that won't change no matter what I do. Yet I can't help but wonder if I should have talked to her more about what happened.
There's so much she doesn't know.
I owe her the truth, and an apology. When all this mess is over with Jack - and it will be, because that woman could conquer the entire world if she wanted - I will tell her everything. She may never forgive me for the times I fell for Jack's machinations, but she'll at least know why I did it.
- END EXCERPT -
XX - XX - XX - XX - XX
MESSAGE FROM KENZI: Meet Bo at the clubhouse ASAP. Urgent.
Lauren half-stood from the chair behind the desk the moment she saw who the message was from, and was grabbing her car keys as she finished reading it. If she hurried, she could drive the distance between the clinic and the clubhouse in twenty minutes.
"Dr. Lewis?" A rich tenor raised Lauren's eyes from her phone, and she saw a stranger standing uncomfortably in the doorway to her office.
For a moment, she was worried that this was another death threat, but knew Steve was nearby - not that she relaxed. "Yes?"
The strange man was handsome, with long sandy blond hair that framed his head and brushed across his shoulders. He was so tall, his head barely cleared the doorframe, and his broad shoulders were accented by the tailored light colored blazer he wore over a simple white t-shirt and dark stylish jeans.
"I'm Julius." He stared as if he expected her to know him, and looked even more uncomfortable when her lack of response indicated she didn't. "I am, uh, was," he paused to swallow then continued speaking. "Sam's boyfriend."
"Oh!" Lauren stood upright with surprise. This was the musician Sam had mentioned from time to time. "Hello!" Flustered with the need to answer Kenzi's call, but not wanting to insult this man with her own urgency, Lauren moved around her desk and closer to the door. "Um, come in. I'm just on my way out, but -"
"I won't keep you, I just -" He awkwardly reached inside his blazer and pulled out an envelope. "Sam's will was read yesterday, and he wanted me to give you this."
He stretched out an arm to offer her the thin envelope. Lauren took it from him gingerly, but wasn't quite sure what to say when she looked back up into his eyes.
"I just want you to know," Julius said. "Sam was thrilled to be working here. He couldn't stop talking about you." Julius laughed sadly, and his eyes misted a bit. "Thank you so much for giving him the opportunity to do the work that meant so much to him."
Lauren wasn't sure what to say, but was sure that not saying anything would be a worse mistake than saying the wrong thing. "It was a pleasure to work with Sam. I don't think I ever told him how much it meant to me-"
The words got stuck in her throat, and for a moment, they stood staring at each other, two strangers wrapped up in their own grief for the man who'd brought together in this moment, wanting to connect with each other because of their love for Sam, but unable to get past the fact that they didn't know each other at all.
And suddenly, Lauren knew what to say. "He told me you are a very talented man and that I should come to a recital sometime." She smiled gently. "Please let me know when you're performing and I'll be sure to come."
He smiled with something akin to relief. "I'll do that." Julius didn't seem to know what to do with his hands, then abruptly offered one. "It's good to finally meet you, Dr. Lewis."
Lauren clasped his hand firmly. "And you, Julius."
With that, he let go of her hand, and with a final smile, left her office.
She knew she had to get to the clubhouse, but was curious what message Sam had left her. Lauren walked back to her desk, set down her keys and phone, and sat in the chair once more. With slightly trembling hands, she opened the envelope.
It was completely unadorned, and had only her first name on the outside in Sam's scrawling script. It saddened her to think that he'd actually never called her by that name, especially since he'd been the closest thing to a friend that she'd had in a long while.
Sam's message was only one page long.
Dr. L,
If you're reading this, I've likely shuffled off this mortal coil - hopefully I was passed out cold after making love and then stepped on by an elephant.
Lauren laughed through the tears that had filled her eyes. Of course Sam would crack a joke.
In my office, under the floorboards beneath my desk chair, is a safe with a biometric lock that only my blood or yours can open. Inside you'll find all my secured notes from the Dark Elders projects we've been working on. Wouldn't want these to fall into the wrong hands, and you're the only one I can think of who'll know what to do with them.
In addition, you'll find a few vials of a new supplement I've created based on our analysis of the Heraclid samples. I'm so very sorry - I have tried everything I could think of to enhance the formula and achieve the exact opposite result of what you did with your own research, but I can't get around the basic fact that, while similar, Fae and human physiologies are inherently different.
I wanted to somehow synthetically make you Fae, but I can't.
For as long as I've known about you, I've heard people speak of you and Bo almost as if you're both sides of the same coin, but they only talk about her strength, her bravery, her independence, and think she's mad for being so attached to a human, as if you possess none of these things.
They have absolutely no idea what an exceptional person you are.
While you are by far the most brilliant being - human or Fae - that I've ever known, you are also the most kind. I can't tell you how much it's meant to me to work with you, and I wanted to thank you by giving you what I thought would be the greatest gift - the possibility of immortality - but I've come as far as I can on my own.
The supplement won't regenerate wounded tissue or reverse aging, but if taken monthly in small increments, it will strengthen existing human cells and add resilience to new cells that your body will normally generate over time - and even succubus feeds won't minimize their efficacy. If you keep up your diet and exercise to maintain a strong base level, this supplement could help you live for a long, long time.
A blind fool could see how much you love her, Lauren, and I don't know what's keeping you apart, but I hope you figure it out. You really should see the way your eyes shine when you look at her. I'm sorry I couldn't make you Fae, but hopefully a long human life beside her will be enough.
- Sam
Lauren tried to keep the letter from crumpling in her hand but the sobs made it impossible. She cried and cried and just couldn't stop.
Sam had given her what she'd wanted all along.
XX - XX - XX - XX - XX
Lauren had seen many horrific things in her life.
From emergency room traumas to battlefield wounds, from unintended consequences of poor choices to the callous, planned evil some could inflict on others, from both terrible humans and truly wicked Fae - her frequent nightmares had replayed them all more times than she could count.
Watching Bo draw the chi from every living being in the entire city, and thinking her lost forever was one more thing to add to that list.
Yet her life had also been filled with wondrous sights that were burned into memory. The first time she'd ever seen the ocean, soon after she'd moved to New Haven. Sunset on the cold desert mountains west of Kabul. The night sky deep in a northern province of the Congo.
The first time she saw Bo.
Of all the beautiful things she had seen, the stark, soul-breaking, heart-stopping beauty of Tamsin's death - her rise - was the clear leader. By the time the last firefly of light rose through the roof of Vex's monstrosity of a vehicle, Lauren's tears had blurred her vision.
Tamsin was gone. Forever.
Lauren didn't think she could call Tamsin a friend. For too long, she'd viewed her as an adversary - at worst, a dire enemy, at best, a bitter rival, but lately, she'd come to think of her as an ally. After hundreds of years of service to the Dark, Tamsin had chosen the good fight.
In one moment, Lauren was nearly broken by the weight of one more loss, and the injustice of Tamsin dying in childbirth, and in the next, she was filled with the thin, fragile light of hope, because for Lauren, it was not too late.
No matter how little or how much time she had left, Lauren would not waste another moment.
XX - XX - XX - XX - XX
The Dal had been closed since Trick's death, so there were no other patrons in the pub. While Bo had been successful in sending Hades back to Tartarus, and even though she'd restored chi to all the people of the city, effectively bringing them back from the dead, none of Lauren's companions were certain of sanctuary anywhere else, so collectively they'd decided to fall back to the one place they all knew, and could defend.
Lauren had been thinking about Hades - about Jack - ever since Bo had defeated him. Jack's plan hadn't been to use Lauren against Bo. Jack's convoluted, twisted, brilliant plan had been to get Lauren away from Bo altogether - to isolate Bo from her chosen family.
Well, it had worked beautifully. Lauren had played right into his hands.
Jesus, Lewis. The hubris. You've got a really big head for that tiny brain of yours.
She'd already had another five-minute freak-out about that.
Mark took his place behind the bar, and asked if anyone wanted anything to drink.
"Whiskey," Lauren said. "The Scottish kind." She leaned sideways against the bar as she looked around the room.
Kenzi was speaking rapidly to Tamsin's newborn daughter, Dagny, in one corner, wild gestures accompanying the sad smile on her beautiful young face. Sometimes it was hard for Lauren to remember that, despite everything they'd all been through together and all that Kenzi'd been through on her own, Kenzi was barely 24 years old.
Dyson and Vex were out, at Bo's suggestion, on a bit of a recon mission to the Light and Dark respectively, trying to find out what was going on after the day's apocalyptic event.
As Mark poured Lauren's drink, she thought he looked both elated and overwhelmed by the fact that he was now part owner of the establishment. She'd seen him sneaking some of Trick's finest liquor earlier, and saw the moment he realized that he didn't have to do that anymore. Lauren thought that he hadn't looked happy about it.
And Bo…
Bo looked like the weight of the world rested on her very lovely shoulders, and Lauren realized that, actually, it did. Bo was the most powerful Fae in the colony, and while perhaps a few had guessed that before today, now everyone knew it for certain.
Bo had been guided by her father, yes, but by Hades' hand or not, it had been Bo who had wiped out the entire city, and then brought them all back from death.
Their world was forever changed.
Lauren thought back to that moment, standing on the street with her friends and family at her side, while Bo stood over them, draining them all of their chi, seconds from killing every single one of them. In that moment, Lauren realized that while she had many regrets in her life, Bo herself was not one of them.
She had been glad that she loved Bo the way she did, did not regret meeting her, did not regret coming close to death repeatedly, did not regret the fact that loving Bo had brought her here, to this moment, where she would die at Bo's hand.
She'd always thought she'd die in Bo's arms. This was close enough.
Yet, one thing had been made abundantly clear in what she thought were her final moments.
All this, to have come this far, and come this close to death - again - and for what? To die alone? To die without giving her what she has said over and over again that she wants? Am I that proud? That foolish?
What does it mean and who does it help to keep trying so hard to not give in, when she's all I really want?
Lauren took another deep pull from her glass and looked down the bar. Bo sat a couple of stools down from Lauren, staring into her own whiskey. There was a look on her face that Lauren had never seen before. She had seen Bo happy, sad, angry, frustrated, confused, ecstatic, heartbroken - countless emotions and Lauren had loved her through them all.
She had never seen Bo look lost.
Bo was surrounded by those who loved her, yet she still looked as if she were all alone.
Bo's words at the Ancients' gathering came back to Lauren for the hundredth time, and made so much more sense. There would always be a reason that they shouldn't be together. Lauren's eyes rolled to the ceiling. It hurt to be with her and it hurt to not be with her. Why was she always choosing the path that hurt the most?
If I'm going to hurt not matter what I do, I may as well choose the thing that makes me happy while it's breaking my heart.
"Hey," Lauren ventured, surprising herself as well as Bo. "Are you hungry?"
Bo's eyes shot up, and she looked completely taken aback.
Lauren realized her mistake, and then gave a wry smile. "For food."
Bo looked as chagrined as Lauren felt, and then gave a small, tired smile. Lauren didn't think Bo looked physically tired, but she was willing to bet that Bo was emotionally wrung out.
"I suppose I could eat," Bo said.
Lauren tipped her glass at Mark for a refill and asked him if he could whip up a couple of burgers. Kenzi shouted that she wanted one as well. Frankly, Mark looked relieved to have something to do.
Bo and Lauren sat on their stools, quietly sipping their drinks, not too close to one another, but not too far apart either.
For Lauren, the silence was pregnant with possibility. She wondered if it felt that way to Bo.
When Mark came back with both arms full of plates, they all moved to one of the bigger tables in the middle of the room, and propped the baby carrier up in one of the chairs. Kenzi started talking about nothing in particular, and soon Bo and Lauren were contributing a word here and there.
"Is it my imagination?" Mark ventured into the conversation. "Or is she bigger than she was earlier?"
Lauren had examined Tamsin's daughter less than an hour before, and agreed without looking up from her meal. "She is. She's developed to approximately the size of a three- or four-month-old human child."
Bo sighed and leaned back in her chair. "Of course she is."
"Just like her mama!" Kenzi piped up, with a forced cheerfulness that was transparent to Lauren.
They'd all nearly finished their meals when Dyson returned, and Vex not long behind him. Evidently, Elders from both sides were tripping over themselves to offer a safe haven to the Valkyrie's child, but Vex thought - and oddly again, Dyson agreed - that they were actually trying to protect themselves by keeping Hades' child in custody.
Conversation stopped when Bo spoke up.
"I will not," Bo stated as her eyes flashed, "let my sister become a chess piece between Light and Dark."
None of them responded. Lauren didn't think it was because they were surprised at her statement. No, that was classic Bo.
The deep-throated split-octave tone of the Dark Queen was a bit of a shocker, though.
Soon enough, conversation resumed. As the night wore on, they hashed out a plan for Dagny to stay hidden with Kenzi among humans, and for both of them to get out of the colony for a while. They decided that it was best for all of them to stay together in the meantime, at the Dal, until it was time to split up and take different routes to a meeting point outside of town.
From there, Kenzi would take Dagny out of town, and Dyson would make sure they weren't followed.
A few hours later, the baby was asleep. Kenzi had put some music on - something not too terribly rowdy considering the sleeping child - and Vex and Mark were laughing about something up at the bar.
Lauren sat on the couch in the lounge area, reading some messages from the clinic on her phone. She glanced up to see Dyson approach Bo where she sat once again at the bar, watched him ask her a question, nod at her answer, then move off towards Trick's - now Dyson's - lair in the basement.
She felt no jealousy anymore. Dyson was oddly subservient around Bo now. Lauren realized that he needed someone to serve, and now that person was Bo.
Those two would never have the same relationship again.
Lauren watched Bo's eyes follow Dyson, and saw a sadness on her face that made Lauren's chest hurt. And then she realized what it was she was seeing.
Bo wasn't lamenting a lost love. She was sad because she had just recognized how her relationship with Dyson had forever changed.
Bo was now, unquestionably, a leader in her own right. There were no mentors to whom she might defer - there were only advisors. Dyson and Vex were no longer her peers; they were now her lieutenants. Kenzi had always followed Bo's lead, and Mark was too young and still learning his way in the world of the Fae.
Bo needed an equal - a partner. And though she was human, Lauren now understood exactly what her own role was in all this.
Lauren had failed, and hurt this beautiful and amazing woman over and over again. Yet Lauren knew that she would reach out to Bo and ask her forgiveness because she finally - finally - truly understood what Bo had been trying to tell her.
They belonged together.
Who am I to deny her? Twice before, I said I would be with her, and twice I pulled away. I cannot and will not ever leave her again.
XX - XX - XX - XX - XX
Lauren watched as Dyson walked across the dirt-covered train tracks near the meeting point outside of town, letting the silence stretch until it was broken by the sound of his kick-started motorcycle. Bo hadn't said another word once she'd acknowledged that their fight with Hades was only temporarily won, and some day, he'd be back for Tamsin's daughter - and Bo's sister - and try once again to take over the mortal world.
Still, the important words had been said. Lauren had asked Bo if she'd be willing to try again. And Bo had said yes.
Lauren felt as if her body was too small to contain the pure elation she felt at the possibility of a life with Bo and climbed off the hood of the Camaro where they'd been sitting.
She had absolutely no idea what would happen next. Several of an infinite array of possibilities crossed her mind. Would Evony really find a cure? What would the Dark and Light Fae Elders do now that Bo had clearly shown she had the strength and authority to take over the colony? How long would it take Dyson to figure out whatever the hell was clearly happening between Mark and Vex?
That last thought nearly made her laugh out loud.
As for Bo, how powerful was she? What would she do with that power, now that she knew what she was capable of? For the most part, it seemed as if the experience hadn't really changed Bo - or had changed her so much, she'd come full circle, back to the woman she'd been when Lauren first met her. Unaligned, outwardly confident and sure, centered even when the outcome was unclear.
Bo had killed and revived an entire city the day before, yet not five minutes ago, had mentioned that all she really wanted was a burrito. And in Lauren's mind, the biggest question of all remained. Now that they had pledged to try again, with all that had happened, where on earth would they start?
"Are you ever going to show me where you're living now?" Bo asked, as if they had all the time in the world.
Leave it to Bo to break a huge challenge like eternal love down to the next tiny step forward.
"I don't know," Lauren replied, trying not to smile too widely. She felt so happy, she was sure she'd burst. What happened to the calm, cool, and collected doctor she used to be? Then again, what did it matter as long as she got to be with this woman she loved for as long as she possibly could? "Depends. Are you going to let me drive?"
Bo looked up, eyes flashing blue at the double entendre - intended or not - and abruptly tossed the keys at Lauren.
"You drive now," she said lowly, voice in the split octaves of her whole self. "I drive later."
Lauren laughed joyfully, blinking away elated tears, as they climbed into the car, and then she drove them towards the setting sun.
XX - XX - XX - XX - XX
EPILOGUE
"Nice place." Bo walked around the room slowly, arms crossed over her chest. They were the first words Bo had spoken in awhile.
Bo hadn't said a word as they'd driven across town, Lauren's capable hands guiding the muscle car over city streets painted by dusk. Lauren would never admit it out loud, but she loved the oil and gas and vinyl smell of Bo's Camaro - no matter how much its very existence insulted the environment.
Now they stood at opposite sides of the large central room of Lauren's loft, navigating the terrain between them with caution.
"I've been thinking about - um," Lauren hesitated, but decided that, from this moment forward, there would be nothing between them but the truth. "I don't want to live here anymore."
Bo turned her head to look at Lauren with more scrutiny. "Yeah?"
"Yeah." This place seemed to reflect back the isolation and loneliness she'd felt living here.
Lauren walked around the room a bit. For some reason, she was keeping a little distance between herself and Bo - perhaps to give them the room they needed to clear the air. "What about you? Any thought to where you want to live now?"
Bo chuckled humorlessly. "Haven't given that much thought at all." She looked down at her feet. "Been a little busy."
Lauren thought this was, hands down, the understatement of the year.
Yet while Bo's mood was heavy, there was a lightness to her being that Lauren could clearly see. It was as if Bo had come to some sort of peace with the Dark Queen inside - something more than a truce. Almost as if all the parts of Bo - the woman raised human, the succubus grand-daughter of a blood sage, the Dark Queen empowered by the line of Ancients that was her father's family - had finally become one.
Lauren thought it a beautiful sight to see.
"What's with the security detail?" Bo asked, clearly looking down at the street.
Lauren sighed and wondered which one was "on duty" today. She'd told Eric a couple of days ago that it wasn't necessary. He'd agreed amiably, told her to enjoy her afternoon - and promptly returned to his now customary seat in the clinic's waiting room.
"I've asked them not to follow me around, but they're -" Lauren shrugged. "Persistent."
"Who are they working for? The Dark Elders?" Bo sounded suspicious.
Lauren shook her head. "That's just it. They petitioned the Elders to be released from their existing contracts so they could work supposedly for Vex, but once the release was granted, they went rogue - though I'd bet money that it was at Vex's direction." She sighed. "Right now, Bruce, Dave, Steve and Eric are all vocally unaligned." She shrugged helplessly. "I felt bad that they were out of work, so since they were hanging around anyway, I hired them to provide some security at the clinic during business hours, but they've taken my personal safety as a challenge."
Bo seemed pleased at that answer, which annoyed Lauren. She was about to argue that she could take care of herself, but honestly, they both knew she couldn't. Not all the time.
She decided a change of subject was in order.
"Any word yet from any of the Elders?" Lauren asked.
Bo sighed and finally uncrossed her arms. She leaned her backside against the back of the couch. "Not directly." Her tone turned wry. "Wouldn't want to be seen talking to the unaligned succubus." Bo appeared to finally relax a little. "Vex says the Dark Elders won't move against me - at least, not anytime soon. Dyson says the Light Elders are too afraid of me to try anything, though they're privately claiming to back the Blood King's grand-daughter."
She always fell sadly silent whenever she mentioned Trick.
"And the Blackthorn?" Lauren prompted gently. The Blackthorn was one of the most powerful Fae in the world and the head of the worldwide Fae ruling council.
Bo made a rude noise. "The Blackthorn sent an emissary to the Dal with a message for me to leave colony matters to my more experienced betters." She straightened her back. "He can either come talk to me face to face or go fuck himself."
Lauren sat down in the room's only chair. "So, in other words, just an ordinary non-apocalyptic day in the world of the Fae."
"Yeah, the usual political minefield."
Bo looked at Lauren, and for a moment, held Lauren's gaze.
Lauren leaned forward. "What do you want to do, Bo?"
It took a beat for her to respond, but then Bo laughed. "What do I want to do? I want to throw you in my car and drive as far from here as I can go, but…" She stopped, and her helplessness was written all over her face.
For once, Lauren wanted to do the same, and she could see how much Bo was held down by the weight of the impact she'd made on the colony. A colony for which she now felt responsible.
"Ok," Lauren said affably. "Let me grab a bag and we can go."
Bo looked at her sharply, as if Lauren were serious, then seemed to realize that Lauren was simply trying to cheer her up. "Wouldn't it be nice?"
Lauren stood up and walked closer. "Yeah, it would." She stopped right in front of Bo, and planted her feet so she stood between Bo's legs. "But you'd last exactly one day before you'd have to check on Dyson or Vex or - something."
Bo hung her head, but not as sadly as before. "You're right."
Lauren reached out to gently rest her hands on Bo's shoulders. "You don't have to figure it all out right now, you know."
"Yeah, but I want things to be different. If I've learned anything, it's that I've got to stand up for what I want. If I'm going to help people to live the life they choose for themselves, I've got to give them a place to do that."
"I believe in you, Bo."
Bo looked at her, then looked down, almost uncomfortably. "Lauren, I -" She pulled Lauren's hands off her shoulders and clasped them tightly in her own. "I love you, but…" Bo raised her eyes to Lauren's, and looked more vulnerable than Lauren had ever seen her. "No more secrets, Lauren. No more plans that you don't tell me, no switching sides, no toppling Morrigans or, or sleeping with people as a tactical maneuver, no more…"
She seemed flustered because she couldn't find the right words, but was determined to make her point. "No more trying to protect me without talking to me." Bo raised a hand to gently stroke Lauren's cheek. "I know we're gonna make mistakes, but I need for us to make them together." Her voice turned firm. "The only way any of this shit is going to work is if you're by my side, Lauren." Bo said. "I don't know how many ways I have to say that I need you, that I love you, that I only want you."
Bo ran out of words, but didn't drop her eyes.
Lauren placed her hand over Bo's.
"Hear this, lover," Lauren said softly. "I swear to you on all that I am…no more secrets." She cupped Bo's face with her other hand. "There's still a lot to talk about - and I have so much to tell you and even more to make up for - but know that for as long as I live, I will stand here beside you, where I belong, and that I will never leave you again."
Brown eyes flashed to blue. "Hear this." Bo's voice once again carried the resonance of her deepest self. "If you try, I will find you, for you," she paused as she wrapped her arms possessively around Lauren. "You belong to me." Her voice softened. "And I am yours."
Bo's kiss was warm, and soft, and full of promise. Their future had always been uncertain, but now they would face it together. "So." Bo smiled. "How do we start?"
Lauren pulled away but held onto Bo's hands. "How about we go find a room in that swanky hotel Kenzi mentioned?" She smiled, and for the first time in forever, felt light. "Just love me tonight. We'll solve the rest of the world's problems in the morning."
Bo smiled back. "I like the way you think, Dr. Lewis."
- FIN -
Final Author's Note:
This is my first full-length story, and it took on a life of its own by the third chapter. It would be fun to continue, to see Lauren become a figurehead in her own right (with her ogre security detail and Vex as her lieutenant), but here is where this particular story ends.
Many thanks to everyone who commented and reviewed. You kept me fired up and eager to continue so you wouldn't be kept waiting, and you provided a prompt or two when the story and I got stuck.
Thank you for reading!
I'm on to the next story…
~VirginiaBlack517