A/N

Thank you all, for reading this far.

Just a quick heads up. If you don't like the thought of Christian with anybody else, then you might want to skip the second half of this snippet from Christian.

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Chapter Ten

Despondency.

Christian.

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Leaving, the damp, firm, shore line. I head back, across the looser sand toward Tess. She's under her gazebo, resting, lying on her front with her head on her paws. Her eyes, firmly on me.

She looks happy enough, protected, under the wooden structure I had purposefully built for her, a few summers back. It was needed as the sun gets to her, tires her easily, so she's thankful for the shade. I chuckle out loud, as her tail begins to wag, faster and faster, the closer I get to her. It gets me every time.

There was a time, and not so long ago, when Tess, would've been on my heels during my run. When she was younger, I found it hard to keep up with her, whenever she got over excited. I miss running with her, I miss her keeping pace with me. Age has crept up on her, and her weak legs can't take it now, but I really do miss it. I miss the vibrancy of her.

Flopping onto the sand next to her, I reach for the bottle of water that I left beside her. I take a deep, thirst quenching swig, before pouring the rest over my head and nape of my neck. I squirm with an, 'arrggh,' as Tess, begins to lick at the drops and splashes that are falling and landing on my thighs.

The feel of the water, and coarse, lapping tongue of a grateful dog on my skin, sparks a memory from when there were three of us. I smile to myself, letting my thoughts drift off where they please. Enjoying, the untainted vision, from our short time at the lake.

I think of Ana, a lot, when I'm here with Tess. It's hardly surprising, but thankfully, Tess, has always had a calming influence on me. Which is a good thing as I can't see one, without the other. I love being here with her, though. I've spent nearly every weekend here since buying the place, because Escala, was no place for a dog. Even though, it was kind of funny, watching her slip and slide around on the marble floors, when she couldn't find traction.

Despite, Tess's experience of falling in the lake, she's never had a fear of water. She always loved, splashing about in the pool at Belle Vue, with Elliot and me, when we were kids. So buying a beach front property, was a no brainer for me. She used to love roaming the deck of my boat with me as well, but her balance lets her down now.

I lay back, flat against the cool, shaded sand. Tess, quickly shuffles herself, so she's on her side and her head is resting on my stomach. I throw an arm over her and bury my hand in her soft fur. The feel of her thinning coat in between my fingers, instantly soothes and de-stresses, just as it always has.

The sun, setting over the water, brings another day to an end and I really need to head inside. I have a few things to do before my weekend guest arrives. I shift myself and attempt to sit up, but Tess's heavy head, falls into my lap. I wriggle underneath her, hindered by the sand, chuckling at her reluctance to move herself and let me up.

I pet her head and scratch her neck for a few more minutes, ceasing, only when her eyes roll closed and her back leg starts to twitch. I chuckle deeply at the involuntary action. As much as I'd love to just stay here in this moment with her, I really need to ready myself for my house guest. I snort to myself. House Guest.

I need to ready myself for my Submissive.

After a gruelling week at work, some people like to drink, smoke, gamble or spend hours at the gym to unwind and de-stress themselves. I, like to fuck my stress and frustration away. Or rather, I used too.

Due to the disfigurement of my skin, I can't bear to be touched. I can't even tolerate being looked at. The shock, then pity, I've always seen displayed on peoples faces, whenever they've caught sight of my tarnished back and neck, rakes and annoys me beyond measure. So bar, professionals, I've never allowed it.

Due to the guilt I've held tight and kept prominent in my life, I've never been in a relationship. I wouldn't know how to be in a relationship with anyone. I don't feel like I deserve to have someone of my own, so I choose to contract a Submissive.

It's always been an ideal situation for me, my choice, my rules, my way. I've always needed the reassurance that there would never be any unwanted, or unexpected, physical contact. For that reason, I've never allowed any of my Submissives to touch me, look at me, or even speak to me. Without my express permission to do so.

Like any man, I enjoy the release that comes with being with another human being, but there has to be rules, restrictions, and restraints, with my sexual partners. I don't want a relationship, or lines to blur, so I have a room for such a purpose.

My current sexual partner, is Leila. Leila Williams.

I chose Leila, and all of my Submissives before her, because of their resemblance to the girl I once knew. The girl, who lost her life by my hand. Their height, body shape, even their coloring, is how I imagine Ana would look now... Had she been given the chance to grow and mature.

I'll admit, that I've never contracted a blue eyed Submissive. The eye color I remember, and am constantly tormented by in my dreams, could never be replicated, so I've never even tried. I think that would be taking myself punishment, just a little bit too far.

When I contracted, my first Submissive. I fooled myself into thinking that it could be a way to hold on to, Ana. Away, to be able to tell her, silently, how sorry I was and appease myself for what I did to her. I soon realized, that that was never going to happen. I've never been able to get close enough to any of my Submissives, to express any part of that. Not one of them. Despite their similarities, and my need to do so.

My Submissives, serve a simple, solitary, purpose now, and that's all. I can lose myself, for a short time, in the pleasure their bodies bring, but it's empty, hollow, worthless. There's no real connection, no real emotion involved, bar the actual physical release. It's good to escape reality for a while, and I do tend to sleep a bit better once I'm physically exhausted, and that's one thing about Leila, her stamina is good, but is it all worth it? It's become so tedious and monotonous.

At the thought of Leila. I see her car pull up at the house, and watch her as she takes her bag from the trunk and enters the house through the coded, side door. Having caught sight of her, in her casual jeans and t-shirt, with her hair swinging in a high braid, she seems so young and childlike, and I'm reluctant to move. Despite, how my body wants to.

I can feel the young Ana, creeping into me. She's hiding behind my eyelids and swimming around in my subconscious. Waiting to swoop in and strike. Just like she always has. I clear my mind, and do what I always do. I bury my guilty thoughts, behind the anticipation of physical pleasure.

Pushing myself up from the sand, with Tess on my heels, I trudge back into the house. Tess, is not too fond of Leila, so I settle her in the kitchen before heading upstairs to shower, and join Leila in my playroom.

My body is expectant, and instantly aroused, at the sight of Leila, naked, on her knees, beside the bed. Her hood, firmly in place. My eyes linger, enjoying the sight of her. Playing around with thoughts of what I'd like to do with her body. I allow my body, and not my broken, yearning mind, to take full control.

I order her to stand, and attempt to switch off.

Leila, is very close to my imaginary, version of Ana.

When our contract first started, I only ever blindfolded her, so she, couldn't look at me. I wanted to see her resemblance to the solace I sought, but now, when I'm with her, only a hood or a darkened room will suffice. I can't bare to see Ana, portrayed back at me.

I enjoy her faceless body for a time, and nothing else.

Don't get me wrong, Leila is a nice enough girl and I treat her with respect, but I have no real interest in her outside of my playroom. I don't interact with her much at all, while she's here over the weekends. We share our meals, but very rarely talk. She potters about, if she's not in her room, but I pay her no mind.

If I'm not in my playroom with her, then I'm either running or busy in my office. I don't need anything more from her. I don't wish to spend my time with her. She fills a sexual need I have, nothing more, and truthfully, that need, is getting harder and harder to fill. I'm spending less, and less time with her.

As if my very soul understands that I need more, it doesn't take long for my head to twist and over rule my aroused body. It starts, by distracting me, with these self berating inner monologues, and how on earth, can I concentrate on what I'm doing during these. My body, then floods, with feelings and emotions that I don't understand, and can never escape from, and soon, I've had enough.

Dismissing Leila, the night ends like most of them I spend here with her. With her in her room and me, once again lost on the beach. Usually, with Tess.

As my feet trudge through the sand, my i-pod blasts into my ears. My mind rolls and lands on the thought, that maybe, my going to visit the crash site, wasn't such a good idea after all. Since then, everything seems fresh and more painful and I can't seem to clear my head of the girl I killed. No matter what I've told myself or what I foolishly hope, to believe, the guilt is never going to dissipate. It will always be lurking.

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

When will I realize, that it's all a waste of time?

I can't bring her back, nothing can. I can't change anything. I can't ever tell her that I'm sorry.

Why, can't I let her go?

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A/N

Don't worry, Leila, isn't around for long, but she does play a key part in helping, Ana.