It was another day in the Soul Society. All Soul Reapers were enjoying the brief time off. However, in the Squad 4 barracks, Soifon begins a mock battle with lieutenant Isane Kotetsu.

Soifon: "All right Isane, defend yourself!"

Isane: "Very well."

As Soifon attacks Isane she dodges it with no effort and she hers her zanpakutou, Suzumebachi, stuck in the wall.

Soifon: "What kind of block was that?"

Isane: "It worked, didn't it? It's been nice but I have to get back to learning more advanced healing techniques."

Soifon then holds Isane at sword point.

Soifon: "We're not done. Head Captain Yamamoto left me in charge while he's away, and I order you to stay."

Isane then grabs Soifon and drops her.

Isane: "Please, I don't want to upset Captain Unohana."

Soifon: "Shut up! You're pathetic in combat!"

Suddenly Captain Unohana shows up. Soifon turns around and stares her down.

Unohana: "Isane has more important things to do than improve her battle skills. Please let her go to her studies."

Soifon: "But captain I- Gah!"

Unohana used her famous gentle glare on Soifon.

Unohana: "Please let her go to her studies."

Soifon could not help but fall apart.

Soifon: "Y-yes ma'am."

As Soifon left the Squad 4 barracks.

Soifon: "You're lucky your captain was here to bail you out."

Unohana: "What was that?"

Soifon: "AHHH! Nothing ma'am."

Soifon uses Flashstep to get away.

Unohana: "What's with her?"

At the Squad 2 barracks, Omaeda was cooking food.

Soifon: "Omaeda!"

Omaeda was surprised to see his captain.

Soifon: "Why aren't you practising?"

Omaeda: "Hey, I am practising. Some new recipes my mom gave me."

Soifon: "You are a disgrace of a Soul Reaper."

Omaeda tests his food.

Omaeda: "Aw come on captain. Even Soul Reapers get hungry too you know."

At the Squad 10 barracks, Rangiku is watchng a tv show on the communications network.

Rangiku: "Take the money!"

Soifon enters.

Soifon: "Lieutenant Matsumoto, I don't believe you."

Rangiku: "Believe me, this guy should just take the money."

Soifon turns off the monitor.

Rangiku: "Hey! What was that for."

Soifon: "The manifestations of the Zanpakutou of Aizen, Gin and Kaname are wreaking havoc in the world of the living and you just laze around watching pointless television."

Rangiku: "If Captain Hitsugaya could get me to do work, what chance do you have?"

Soifon: "Head Captain Yamamoto will be very upset when he hears of your lack of discipline."

Rangiku turns the monitor back on.

Rangiku: "Do yourself a afvor and step off. GO FOR THE MONEY!"

Soifon was irritated. At the Squad 4 barracks, Isane is tending to a patient and Omaeda and Rangiku barge in.

Omaeda: "So how long do you think the Head Captain is gonna stay in the world of the living?"

Isane: "Until he finishes training the new Soul Reaper."

Rangiku: "Or marries her, whatever comes first."

Omaeda: "I'd wish he'd hurry, I can't stand the captain bossing us around anymore."

Isane: "Likewise. Can you hand me the Pelargonium graveolens."

Omaeda and Rangiku were confused until Isane pointed out the plant she wanted.

Omaeda: "Forget that guy. We oughta be working on something that can get the captain off our backs."

Isane looked at Omaeda very angrily.

Isane: "I happen to take my healing duties very seriously. Perhaps I should not heal you when you are hurt."

Rangiku: "If I may, I swiped this from the Squad 12 barracks. A potion that totally alters the personality of anyone it comes into contact with."

Isane: "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?! THAT IS DANGEROUS!"

Omaeda: "So could living with my captain."

As the three fight the bottle flies into the air.

Soifon: "What's going on here?"

Omaeda, Rangiku and Isane looked up and saw Soifon.

Soifon: "Having fun are we?"

The bottle lands on Soifon's head, causing it to shatter and spill the contents. She then lost consciousness.

Isane: "Now look what you guys did!"

Rangiku: "What we did? It's Squad 12's potion."

Isane: "Captain. Are you all right?"

Soifon regains consciousness.

Soifon: "Hey dudes. S'up?"

Isane: "Hey dudes?"

Rangiku: "You're smiling."

Soifon: "Why shouldn't I? Life is totally gnarly to the max. And with that old fart Yama gone, we don't have to do any more stupid duties till he gets back."

Isane: "Stupid duties?"

Rangiku: "I'm still trying to get past "gnarly to the max"."

Soifon: "It's been real but gotta go."

Soifon then moonwalks out of the building.

Omaeda and Rangiku: "Awesome!"

Rangiku: "That potion worked."

Omaeda: "Yeah. Her language may seem out of date but we can finally get some downtime."

Isane: "I don't know. We may have opened up Pandora's box."

At Karakura Tech, two hollows and a female arrancar overlook the students.

Hollow 1: "Well lady Symphonia."

Symphonia: "It disgusts me. People looking for the latest in music. They have no appreciation of the classics."

Symphonia narrates this flashback.

Symphonia: "Thoughout my life no one appreciated my music, they prefer things with funky beats and fancy idols. It drove me mad."

Flashforward.

Symphonia: "Well let's see what those music critics think of my first song."

Symphonia unsheathes her Zanpakutou.

Symphonia: "Let the orchestra play. La sinfonía de destrucción."

Her sword turned into a conductors wand. As she waved it, loud music began playing. It was so loud that everything began to crumble. Luckily Keigo and Misuiro evacuated everyone in time.

Hollow 2: "That puny baton cause so much destruction?"

Symphonia: "Of course. The secret is these holes in my body. They emit ultra loud sonic waves that destroy everything. My powers are weak, but they will get stronger the more I use it."

After that, Keigo decides to pay Kisuke a visit. He opens up a senkaimon and gives him a Heck Butterfly to guide his way to the Soul Society. As he was on his way, Omaeda, Rangiku and Isane were having lunch.

Omaeda: "I'm starving."

Rangiku: "So what else is new? Hey Soifon, where's lunch?"

Soifon was wearing a french maid's outfit with heels and her hair unbraided, and served them a pie.

Rangiku: "Yum! Chocolate cream pie."

As Rangiku cut the pie, it exploded creating a huge mushroom cloud, covering the Seireitei in chocolate goo. Omaeda, Rangiku and Isane were not amused but Soifon could not help but laugh.

Soifon: "What's wrong my little sweety pies. (Hysterical laughter)"

Isane: "That was not funny, Captain."

Omaeda: "Yeah. That exploding pie was a real yuck."

Rangiku: "Yuck is the correct word."

Isane: "Now who's going to clean up this mess?"

Soifon: "No problem dudes."

She uses flashstep to get a fire hose and sprays the room and the three with water. After the drenching, she leaves.

Omaeda: "Anyone else think changing the captain's personality was stupid."

Rangiku: "Well, that figures. It was your idea."

Omaeda: "Yeah well... it was yours too."

Rangiku and Omaeda had lightning shoot out of their eyes.

Isane: "All right let's calm down. We all wanted the captain to lighten up."

Omaeda: "Yeah, but not like this. She's turned into a walking joy buzzer."

Isane: "I hate to say it, but I miss the old captain Soifon."

The intruder alarm went off and the three check it out. It was Keigo on the outskirts of the seireitei.

Isane: "It's all right. He's a friend of Ichigo's."

Rangiku: "So what brings you here?"

Keigo: "It's a long story, but do you have anything to eat?"

Omaeda: "Sure."

Omaeda was eating some chocolate goo off the interior walls, which disgusted everyone.

After Keigo explained his story...

Rangiku: "An arrancar caused your school to crumble with sound waves?"

Keigo: "That's right. Just as we were taking a trigonometry exam a loud noise just shattered everything."

Omaeda: "Cool."

Everyone looked at him like he said something wrong.

Keigo: "Anyway, I saw her face and she looked like a musician. In fact there was something on the news about a girl commiting suicide because nobody appreciated her music."

Isane: "Against something like that it'll take everything we got to stop her."

Omaeda: "Right. And we'll need Captain Soifon of Squad 2 to lead us! Let's go find her!"

Omaeda walks into a closet.

Omaeda: "Where am I?"

They looked at him again like he did something stupid.

In the captain's chambers Omaeda opens the door.

Omaeda: "Captain!"

Isane: "She's not here."

Omaeda notices a letter on her desk and opens it squirrting out frosting on his face.

Rangiku: "It kinda boggles the mind how she could do that."

Omaeda reads the note.

Omaeda: "Later gators, I'm off to enjoy myself."

Isane: "Guys, we're in deep sludge."

In Karakura Town Soifon stole a gigai and later she whooped an entire team of basketball players by herself.

Soifon: "It's been real dudes but I gotta run."

She used flashstep to get away.

Omaeda, Rangiku and Isane arrive wearing high tech helmets.

Omaeda: "Why are we wearing these?"

Isane: "Cause Captain Kurotsuchi told us to after someone stole his potion."

Rangiku: "He should be happy that it works."

Isane: "But he wasn't happy that you took it from him."

All three sensed Symphonia's spiritual pressure and went after it. Soon...

Rangiku: "Stop! You're through."

Symphonia: "We'll see about that."

Symphonia then used her powers to cause everything to shake. Their helmets broke off.

Rangiku: "So much for the helmets. Even worse, our Zanpakutou don't work either."

The noise was getting so bad that the three fainted. Three hours later they wake up.

Omaeda: "She's gone!"

Rangiku: "We can't beat her as we are."

Omaeda: "We need an edge."

Isane: "In other words, we need Captain Soifon."

Omaeda and Rangiku: "Right."

Isane: "But how do we get her, she's having too good a time."

Rangiku: "It's simple: We convince her to come back to the Squad 4 barracks with us and Captain Unohana can reverse the effects of the potion."

Omaeda, Rangiku and Isane: "Lots of luck."

At the beach, Soifon is surfing in the swimsuit she wanted to buy. Omaeda, Rangiku and Isane find her.

Rangiku: "There you are."

Omaeda spots all the girls in bikinis and tries to go after them only to be stopped by Isane.

Isane: "Focus, we have a job to do."

Omaeda: "Can I just-"

Rangiku and Isane: "NO!"

Isane: "Captain, we need your help."

Rangiku: "Yeah. There's an arrancar destroying the city."

Soifon. Sorry you old hag. Life's to short for battling Hollows. I'd rather party hardy to the max yo."

A vein appears on Rangiku's head.

Rangiku: "I'LL KILL HER FOR THAT!"

Isane tries Bakudo # 4, Hainawa but she avoids it easily. Soifon uses the same spell to bind the trio and hurl them into the water.

Omaeda: "Help me! I can't swim! Someone help me!"

Rangiku and Isane were standing with their ankles in the water.

Rangiku and Isane: "Really?"

Omaeda: "Uh, right. knew the water wasn't that deep."

Soifon: "Sorry Fatty, Old Hag, Giant Freak, but the surf is calling."

The trio let out a loud scream that spanned across the galaxy.

At the Squad 4 barracks...

Omaeda: "I can't believe it."

Isane: "More and more people are gonna get hurt. And it's all our fault."

Rangiku: "Yeah, we just had to change Captain Soifon's personality."

Suddenly...

Yamamoto: "What has happened here?"

Rangiku: "Head Captain."

Omaeda: "You're back!"

Yamamoto: "Where is Captain Soifon?"

Isane: "It's a long story."

After their explanation they return to the world of the living.

Isane: "And you're sure this will work?"

Yamamoto: "There is no one Captain Soifon admires or respects more."

Rangiku: "There she is now."

Soifon: "Hey dudes. Back for more?"

Isane: "That's right. Except this time, we got ourselves a ringer."

From out of nowhere Yoruichi shows up in her orange bikini and holding a surfboard.

Soifon: "Yoruichi dude?"

Rangiku: "If she says "dude" one more time..."

Yoruichi: "Nice to see you're not so uptight, but now we have a situation. If I can beat you at surfing, will you agree to return to the Seireitei?"

Soifon: "You, outperform me? You gotta be kidding."

Yoruichi: "I can assure you I am quite serious. Do we have a deal?"

Soifon: "Sure dude."

Rangiku builds a sandcastle and smashes it to pieces.

Rangiku: "Much better."

The two went out into the water. Yoruichi dove in and unknown to Soifon took off her swimsuit. A curl was coming in and Soifon rode it. Inside the curl...

Yoruichi: "Hey Soifon."

Soifon turned around and saw Yoruichi completely naked. She then lost her balance and fell in the water.

Soifon: "That's not fair!"

Yoruichi then dove into the water and covered up her chest with her surfboard.

Yoruichi: "What did you expect? There is a time when right, overrules rules."

At the Squad 4 barracks, Unohana used her powers to dispel the effects of the potion.

Unohana: "That should do it."

Rangiku: "You think it worked?"

Isane: "We'll know in a minute."

Soifon then woke up. As Omaeda approzched her she then struck his cheek with a homonka. He knew what it meant.

Soifon: "Let that be a lesson to all of you if you EVER do something like that again."

Rangiku and Isane: "It worked."

Soifon: "Well, didn't you guys say Karakura Town was in trouble?"

Omaeda: "YEAH! LET'S GO!"

Then Omaeda gets trapped in a closet again. Meanwhile in Karakura Town, Symphonia's power was at it's peak.

Symphonia: "Soon, Karakura Town will fall. I may not have brought audiences to their feet, but I will bring this city to it's knees."

Suddenly, Soifon (with her hair back to the way it was), Omaeda, Rangiku and Isane appeared.

Soifon: "I don't think so. The next tune you'll be playing will be the sand bars of Hueco Mundo."

Symphonia: "Talk is cheap! Especially corny dialogue like that. If you insist I will kill you first."

Soifon: "Now everyone, put on your secret weapons."

Omaeda: "Do we have to?"

Soifon reminds Omaeda what will happen if he disobeys her. The four put on earmuffs.

Isane: "I feel ridiculous."

Symphonia unleashes a powerful sound attack, but this time, it does not work.

Symphonia: "Why isn't it working?"

Symphonia plays as loud as she can but it still does not work.

Soifon: "Sorry! I can't hear you with these earmuffs on!"

Soifon then releases Suzumebachi and strikes Symphonia twice in the same spot."

Symphonia: "NOOOOOOO! EVERYONE'S A MUSIC CRITIC!"

Symphonia then disappears. Her two hollow henchmen try to escape.

Rangiku: "Nice try. Growl, Haineko!"

Her Zanpakutou engulfs the two hollows in ash and destroys them.

Isane: "Earmuffs? How did you ever think of that?"

Soifon: "Cotton doesn't crack under sound."

Omaeda: "That's our captain."

Soifon then dispels the homonka moark on Omaeda's cheek. At the Soul Society, Omaeda, Rangiku and Isane were relaxing until...

Soifon: "All right back to work."

Soifon was the first to leave.

Rangiku: "Say, I wonder if Mayuri made a new batch of personality altering potion."

Then Yoruichi appeared out of nowhere.

Yoruichi: "I see you guys haven't learned your lesson. There is room for all kinds of personality. Some light-hearted, some serious. I mean, think how boring it would be if we were all the same."

Rangiku: "I kinda like it. A world of me's would be awesome."

Soifon lurks from the other side of the door.

Soifon: "Fer sure dude. For sure."

To be continued...

Illustrated Guide to Soul Reapers: Complaints

Moe: "Aww man! Why is it da losers get some screen time?"

yoka: "And what was with Soifon's language? I mean 1986 ended a really long time ago."

Suzumushi: "Be thankful we get some time in the next story."

Shinso: "You'll be lucky if we get another Tsuklonepedia out of it."

Moe: "I bet the next Tsuklone's gonna be-

Suzumushi: "Please don't spoil it for everyone."