A/N - Hey, look, it didn't take me a year to update this time. This is the last chapter with an epilogue soon to follow. Thanks for reading, and thanks as always to GSFanatic. Happy birthday, my friend. I'd also like to add that I love feedback. Any feedback at all. Thank you.
After returning to Tamara's with an apology and an explanation as to why I wasn't leaving quite yet (which we both couldn't help but laugh about), I call Gil and let him know what Hurricane Laura was bringing into town. But he didn't laugh. Not that I expected him to.
"Are you sure that's beneficial for any of you?" He asked, in his 'I'm concerned about Sara' voice. "I don't think Laura has the best intentions in mind here."
"I'm sure she's been thinking about it for a long time," I say, feeling the need to defend my mother; a feeling I am not all that familiar with. "Just as I needed to come back here to face my past, she has to do the same thing. She hasn't had an opportunity to do that before."
"You Sidles sure are stubborn women, aren't you," he said, finally allowing a smile into his voice. "You are coming home after this confrontation, aren't you? Sara, I miss you. I want to wake up next to you again. I want us to take Hank on walks together again. You're missing so much around here, and I need you to come back to me."
From the way Avery talks sometimes, I happen to know that Gil has not always been the romantic type. At times, it was like pulling teeth for her to get him to hold her hand or give her a kiss in public. Well, my husband must have learned his lesson, because he certainly knows what to say to make a girl happy.
"Yes, babe, I plan on returning in a day or two. And I have an idea I want to discuss with you. It's something I've been thinking about a lot lately."
Grissom doesn't ask me what this idea is. He knows I'm not going to tell him. I have taught him well.
"I'm looking forward to it. Love you, honey. See you soon."
We hang up. Smith comes into my room and looks like he wants to stay. Tamara pokes her head in and says, "Is it okay if he sleeps with you again? He seems very determined."
"It's fine," I say. "We're in a serious relationship now."
She smiles, but something in her eyes says she hasn't had the best day.
"Do you want a cup of coffee?" I ask. Coffee is the last thing I want right now, but after staying with Tamara so long and getting to know her the way I have, I feel I owe her that much.
"Oh, no," she says. "You have a long day tomorrow, and I don't want to burden you with my stuff. It's nothing, really."
I pat the spot next to me on the bed and say, "Come here. Tell me what's on your mind."
Tamara obeys. She sniffs, looks down at the ladybug comforter, scratches Smith's ears. She is working up to something. I let her.
Finally, she says, "With you being here, and with all of our conversations, and with all of the nostalgia, I find myself missing everything about your brother. He was far from perfect and he had deadly habits that he wanted to pass on to me, but Nathan and I had fun together. We were in love, and it was that kind of young love that you only have once. I miss him."
I considered my thoughts on Nathan. I think about him every day, but I do not miss him; at least not in the way I've missed my father. The simple reason is because I know he is better off wherever he is now. Life had never been kind to him, and he struggled until the very end. I know death was his way of finding peace, in his own twisted way.
"Of course you miss him," I say. "And at least you found someone else who loves you as much as Nathan did, albeit in a completely different way."
"Oh, yes, Jordan's wonderful. But I miss being with someone who was always taking chances. Nathan was always looking for his next adventure. I miss that kind of life, Sara. I don't want to be so...safe all the time."
She sniffed and shook her head. I gave her a moment.
"Anyway, that's enough of that. I know you understand and I didn't mean to dump it on you."
"Anytime," I say. "You know I'm here for you anytime."
"I know. You are the only person I have left to talk to about Nathan. Thank you for listening."
I nod. We hug, and then it's time for sleep. Smith stays on the floor this time, too tired to crawl in the bed with me. As I drift off to sleep, I ponder what Tamara just told me. It actually takes me one more step towards the clarity I am so desperately seeking. Her romanticizing Nathan in his death makes me realize that when our loved ones die, they take our memories with them. It doesn't matter what they were like in life; in death we make our own stories. I won't find what I'm looking for with my dad. Because he is gone, and so is my connection to him.
I wouldn't have been able to come to this conclusion a few months ago, a year ago, 10 years ago. Knowing this brings me to a peaceful, satisfied slumber.
When I wake up, I do not feel dread or impending doom. I know this day is going to be hard. My mother is not a subtle woman, and neither is Anne. Nor am I, for that matter. Put us all in a room together and who knows what kind of chaos might ensue. But I'm ready for this to happen. It's why I came back home, and why I left my husband and dog behind for so long. This is what my journey has come to, and I'm okay with that.
The day is overcast and chilly, but I welcome it. I've always been a fan of the more unusual weather, which is why Las Vegas is always somewhat disappointing to me, with its constant sun and rare thunderstorms.
My mother will be in Tomales Bay in an hour or two, so to clear my head, I take Smith for a long walk. I walk by many familiar places; places that no longer hold quite the sting they used to before I started my mission. My hometown no longer holds some kind of mysterious stigma. It's just the place where I grew up. It's the place with unhappy memories that have dulled with time. Of course I will always carry the image of my father, pale and bloody, lying on the floor of the kitchen while my brother, mom and I waited silently for the police to come, frozen in shock. But this town will no longer hold the keys to my past. Because now I hold my own keys.
However, several hours later, a shred of impatience and dread has settled in. I'm sure it's just temporary, but it is rather unsettling. I'm starting to imagine all kinds of terrible scenarios in my head when finally, there is a knock at Tamara's door. Tamara and Jordan have taken off for the day, determined to give me and my mother some space. I assured her this wasn't necessary, but she said it gave them an excuse to get out of the house for a while. Tamara is a good friend, and I hope we don't fall out of touch again.
It has been 25 years since my mother killed my father. It's been 20 years since I moved to Boston to get away from it all and start a new life at Harvard. It's been 17 years since I last saw my mother; it was my last attempt to connect with her when I was at school and it didn't go well. She was still in prison, still bitter, still angry, still wanted her life to be something it never could have been. And as I open the door to my past, I am overcome with emotion. The shred of anger that has been dormant in my heart for 17 years explodes once I see my mother's face. But the other part of me, the side of me that just wanted my mommy to tell me it was going to be okay, was overjoyed to finally see her again.
We don't speak, but we hug. It's a hug that has been in the making for a while, and I find great comfort in it. There's so much to say, and yet my mouth can't form any words. We take a long look at each other, and I can see her try to process what I look like now with how I looked when she last saw me. She also looks down at my wedding ring and smiles. I do, too. Ah, Grissom. I'll be home soon...I just have to get through this first.
"Hi, Mom," I finally say.
"Hi, honey. You look good. A little skinny, but good. I'll have to make you some of that roasted chicken you used to like so much. You know, with the mashed potatoes loaded with butter?"
I smile sadly. "Actually, I'm a vegetarian now."
She looked so disappointed, so I said, "But if you want, later you can make that peanut butter pie that I loved so much."
"Sounds good, dear. I will definitely have to do that."
We smile awkwardly. I don't want it to be awkward, but by the very virtue of us being in my hometown, about to undergo the task of the day, was enough to cause anyone awkwardness.
"Well, shall we go ahead and do this?" My mother said cheerfully. Of course, I didn't buy her cheer for one second. She has probably both been looking forward to and dreading this day for more than 25 years. I'm sure Laura Sidle had a lot to say to Anne Rose, and vice versa. I just never anticipated I'd be in the same room when it happened.
"Let's get it over with," I say. My mom chuckles. She points to her car and I shake my head and say, "Let's walk. It's not far." She nods, and I think to myself that I have no idea what's going through her mind right now. For a moment, I also think about asking Laura if she has any weapons on her, and if she does, to please leave them at home. But that would most certainly be in bad taste. I keep it to myself.
We walk slowly and make polite conversation about our lives. She tells me about teaching an art therapy class at a community college, and the bonds she's making with her students. I tell her about Grissom and our life together. We carefully avoid the subject of our destination, probably figuring that soon enough, in mere minutes, we'll be face to face with a painful, unforgiving past.
Soon, we are standing in front of the Wild Horse Inn. I am nervous and there's no hiding it. I know my mother can see this about me, but the frustrating thing is, I have no idea if she's nervous. So many years away from her has rendered my radar of her emotions useless. I don't know what to expect when Anne opens that door. In my heart, I know we're not going to have some kind of Jerry Springer, chair throwing, hair pulling situation. I know we'll all at least try to act civil. But what will that entail? I guess it's time to find out.
With reluctance in my heart, I knock on the door. Anne answers a moment later. She and Laura carefully regard each other, and the tension in the universe is out of control. Finally Anne turns to me and manages to say, "Hello, Sara. Why don't you and your mother come in?" I nod, and my mother and I step inside the inn that time forgot.
I watch my mother carefully as Anne escorts us to the living room. This is not easy for her, yet she shows no signs of distress. Nor does Anne. For a moment, I wonder if I slipped out the door, anyone would notice. But I have a feeling that both these women need me here, whether they know it or not. I have become the equalizer. It's not something I'm entirely comfortable with, but today it is my chosen role.
"Would you like some coffee or tea?" Anne asks. Laura shakes her head, so I do as well. No reason we need to extend the agony of this impending conversation.
"Well, let's chat then," Anne finally says. "What is it that's on your mind, Laura? I'm sure we have a lot to say, but I'm also sure we can agree that the past is the past and we're both stronger for it today. What else do we need to talk about, exactly?"
"We can certainly agree on that, yes," Laura said. "I did not intend to come here and make a mess out of your life. My daughter has come to you to study her father's past, and you let her do that. I appreciate that. We all have our demons and Sara is trying to let go of hers. I am trying to do the same. I needed to be here again. I needed...to come here and be in the atmosphere of where it all happened one last time. I'm sure you can understand that, Anne."
"I can, yes. I suppose living here where it all happened is the way I deal with my demons. Some might say that's unusual but I find it...comforting."
My mother nods in understanding, although I'm pretty sure she thinks Anne is batshit crazy for living in the house where the love of her life was murdered.
"I always liked this place," Laura said. "When Danny was in his better moods, we were actually pretty content; almost serene. So I know the sense of calm that it can bring, but I'm not sure I could live here with all the memories."
"Memories that you helped create," Anne was quick to say. "Sorry, Laura, but someone had to say it. I know Danny was rough to live with and he did unspeakable things to you and the kids, but there are other ways of handling it. What if he was still here? What if one of us managed to get through to him? Can you imagine how our lives would be different if he were still here?"
"Sure I can. I thought about it every day when I was in prison. But then I might be dead," Laura said, not even defensively, more matter-of-factly. "It was getting to the point where one or the other was going to happen. Our fights were legendary. He was getting increasingly more violent. You weren't there, Anne. You didn't have to make the decision that I made. I'm sorry I took him away from you, but he was hurting my babies. I couldn't handle it anymore."
In my whole life, I never thought a conversation like this could ever take place. I never thought my mother could be mature enough to talk to the woman who was the source of my father's misplaced anger. My mom was Danny's consolation prize, after all. Anne was the one he wanted to be with. Everyone in the room knows that. I can't help but feel proud of my mother at this moment.
"I'm sorry I took him away from you," Laura continued. "Both the times I took him away from you. If I had known how it was going to turn out, I would have taken Sara and Nathan and gone somewhere else far, far away. But you know just as well as I do that Danny had a good heart underneath all the bitterness. Sometimes he'd let me see it. That's what I lived for; the moments he'd let his guard down and let me see there was a real person inside of him. Sometimes he loved me the way I loved him. Looking back, that's not much to base a relationship on, is it? But it got me through the long days and nights. I was young, what can I say?"
Anne nods and bites her lip. Before any of us know it, she's crying. She's not sobbing or anything, but there are tears. My mom and I are frozen, not sure what to do next. Since I am the equalizer, I decide I should be the one to comfort her. So I get up from where I'm sitting next to Laura and place myself next to Anne. I slowly put my arm around her, not sure how she'll react. She leans into me and that's when the sobbing starts.
"Oh, dear," my mother says. "Where are the tissues, Anne?"
"In the kitchen," Anne manages to say. Laura looks at me and I shrug. I don't want to go anywhere near the kitchen. She doesn't either. But Anne's nose is not going to blow itself. Laura sighs, gathers herself, and goes into the kitchen for the tissues.
"I just loved him so much," Anne says. "I can't believe it had to end this way. I can't believe that he would be so abusive to your family. The man I loved would have never been like that...I still can't believe it."
Laura comes back with the tissues, looking like she may cry herself. In fact, she sits next to Anne and the two of them share a good, hard cry. I remove my arm from Anne's back and slowly retreat from the room. This is what they need. It is no longer what I need.
An hour later, my mom and I walk slowly back to Tamara's house, this time in silence. When we get inside, we sit down at the kitchen table, again in silence. After a few minutes, my mom starts laughing. A lot. Almost hysterically.
"Well, that happened," she says after she recovers. "I'm not sure I feel any better about my life now, but it did happen."
"I'm proud of you, Mom," I say, covering her hand with mine. "I'm sure that was hard for you to do. I've done a lot of hard things in my journey, too. It sucks, but it's worth it."
She nods, then blows her nose. "Well, I'm proud of you, too, honey. What are you going to do now?"
"Leave," I say. "As soon as possible. I have a husband I need to get back to, and a dog."
"Good for you. I have a flight back later tonight, as well. Can I take you to the airport?"
I think about this. I could call a cab and pay an exorbitant amount of money just so I can ride in silence. Or I can get over the awkwardness and let my mom take me to the airport.
"Yes, that will be fun," I say, almost meaning it.
All things considered, the ride to the airport is not awkward. We aren't quite on the normal mother-daughter terms yet, and we stick to safe topics that have nothing to do with the day we just had. Perhaps we can continue to talk in the future and someday I can confide in her; tell her about all the things that have happened over the years that she's missed. I would like that. But I'm not there just yet, and that's okay. I know now that I have been on a journey that likely won't ever end. Hopefully I will always learn new things about myself; I will keep growing, and I look forward to a future that makes that happen.
Laura drops me off at my gate at the airport. She hops out of the car and helps me with my luggage. Before I have a chance to escape, she pulls me in for a suffocating hug. "I love you, Sara. Don't forget about me. I'm your mother, and you can't escape that, even if you tried."
And I have tried, I think to myself. "I won't, Mom. I'll call you when I get back to Vegas."
"Good." She ruffles my hair a bit, looks at me wistfully, and then gets back in the car and speeds away. I chuckle. That's my mom for you.
Soon, I am sitting on a plane waiting impatiently to get back to Gil Grissom. I have some things to tell him, and some things to ask him. The future is mine again, and I can't wait to share it with my husband.
Cradle Song Sleep, sleep, beauty bright, Sweet babe, in thy face As thy softest limbs I feel O the cunning wiles that creep
by William Blake
Dreaming in the joys of night;
Sleep, sleep; in thy sleep
Little sorrows sit and weep.
Soft desires I can trace,
Secret joys and secret smiles,
Little pretty infant wiles.
Smiles as of the morning steal
O'er thy cheek, and o'er thy breast
Where thy little heart doth rest.
In thy little heart asleep!
When thy little heart doth wake,
Then the dreadful night shall break.