Chapter Ten - Numb
It had only been a few days, but Ralof had become a rock. No, an anchor. A consistency. An expected and welcome fact in her life. He understood her suffering and offered a steadiness to hold onto, without complaint. Perhaps he even... Nyíl dared wonder if he may have even enjoyed her company.
With the knowledge that Ralof would not be there in the morning, Nyíl felt isolated and alone, like a stranger, an outsider, an intruder in his village and particularly among his family, inside their home. Really, she was a stranger. How long has she known these people, and they her? She was an invader, sleeping in a little boy's bed who was forced to wedge between his parents in theirs. These people had no reason to trust her, no reason to feed, house and accept her at all.
Who else where there now? She had no lovers to speak of, no romantic ties that might make for a comforting presence. Her 23 years had only business partnerships and merchant skills to boast about. And healing. Healing. Her travels brought new ingredients and with new ingredients came new knowledge and discoveries. Perhaps she could be a proper apprentice to Hilde. But staying here meant a constant reminder of Ralof...
Cousins. Aunts and uncles. Far away. Alive? Were her parents alive? Crossing the Jerall Mountains would be a death sentence for sure. Or worse.
Riften, where she did business and had friends. She wondered how Brynjolf was doing. Would she be able to travel there without encountering Imperials? Would they recognize her if she did? She would need a horse. She would never be able to afford one now...
These and more, so many more were the thoughts that plagued Nyíl's mind hours before the sun began to rise, before the roosters and townspeople brought the village back to life. In the small bed she remained on her uninjured side with her back to the world, blankets shielding her from the sounds of life stirring outside. Cocooning her from reality.
What good was it to rise from this bed, anyway? Her ribs ached. She remembered running last night. A mistake not realized until the morning.
What silly things we do when we... Nyíl thought. What? When we what?
The feelings and thoughts within her mind and body were a jumbled mess. She pulled the blankets tighter around her. She envisioned creep clusters spreading inside and around her body. Gripping her. Containing every last emotion and unwilling to let them escape.
She remembered the tonic recipe Hilde taught her yesterday. The one to induce sleep. Nyíl considered making some and then realized she had no more of the necessary ingredients. Were they still in her cart that was left behind near Ivarstead when she...?
Nyíl curled into herself on the bed and felt bile rise from within her, threatening an exit from her mouth. She clenched her eyes closed and swallowed, fought back the tears and vomit, and covered her face with the blanket.
No more memories. Oblivion. Do not think.
Numb.
Numb is good.
Numb ignores the possibilities that never would come to pass.
Numb forgets the pain of a life long gone.
Numb enables a new day, a new start.
Numb allows a body to function.
Numb lets you forget who you are.