Chapter Ten

Jasper

Sometimes I wondered if things would ever change if I would ever feel a part of this world. I thought about giving up and going back to Mexico, to Maria but that was no solution either and I hated the thought that I was a failure. Why couldn't I be like Carlisle? Confident around humans, in full control of his urges, able to ignore the scent of human blood and the raging thirst it must cause even in him although he never showed it. When it came down to the bottom line he was a much stronger man than I would ever be.

I tried, I really did. Yes, I could cope around old blood without too much difficulty especially as I had plenty of warning to brace myself and luckily my job meant I rarely came into contact with fresh blood which was probably just as well. The thought of The Major coming out to play among my fellow workers if he got a whiff of that was not something I wanted to even consider.

Carlisle and Esme kept telling me I was doing much better than I thought I was but they didn't know how hard it was, how often I thought about sinking my teeth into one of the others working in the station and tasting the warm salty blood as it filled my mouth and slid down my burning throat.

I should stop complaining and bitching, there were those who had it much harder than me. I didn't make a habit of talking to my work colleagues, after all, we had nothing in common and they stayed out of my way most of the time. I knew why they felt the menace of a predator close by and their survival instinct screamed at them to stay away. I had overheard a conversation between Chief Swan and one of his deputies when the Chief rang to see how Deputy Scott's broken leg was healing.

He was explaining how concerned he was about his daughter Bella. I'd heard she had been involved in a serious accident which had killed her mother. I felt sorry for the girl although I didn't know the full extent of her injuries, just that she had a problem communicating, join the club! The thing that interested me most was his praise for his wife's warm welcome and efforts at integrating Bella into the local community. It interested me because I had heard Esme talking about Sophie Swan and not everything she said was particularly flattering. I knew the two of them served on a lot of committees together including the clinic fund-raiser but Esme always felt Mrs. Swan became involved because she enjoyed the Kudos of being Chief Swan's wife and a charitable person. I just hoped she showed his daughter plenty of charity!

Deb's invited me to join the others for lunch as she always did and as always I declined. It wasn't the fact I might have to pretend to eat and drink it was that I knew the others didn't really want me there. I'd heard them when they thought I was out of earshot talking about "Spooky Hale" and questioning the Chief's decision to hire me. They were right of course! I was creepy as far as they were concerned and why should they want an outsider among them. Danny even called me a creep and complained I made him uncomfortable every time I went near. How did Carlisle expect me to integrate with humans when I had spent decades looking on them as a food source and nothing more? I didn't know what was worse, being feared or being isolated.

I could hardly remember the last time I had allowed my temper to get the better of me at home, the one place I used as a guard of my behaviour but then, as always, things went bad real quick. All I wanted to do was to be left alone to read, I'd found a new book on the Civil War, written from the Confederate viewpoint and I was looking forward to reading it but Emmett had other ideas. I guess it was my own fault, I knew what he was like, full of fun and energy, he loved to mess around and when he got bored he looked for someone to aggravate into joining him. Edward was away for a few days, some recital with Alice and Rose was busy studying for another degree. Carlisle had tried to interest me in studying but what was the point? Put a monster like me among a college full of humans and sooner or later there would be a tragedy.

I took my place on the porch swing under the overhang so as not to get my book wet and opened it to read when Emmett appeared with an offer to go hunting. When I refused he took my book from me glancing at the title.

"Hey, I've got a really cool computer game we can play, simulates a war, the graphics are great."

"Why would I want to fight a virtual war, Emmett?"

"Keep your hand in maybe? Hey, how about some real practice, we can go up in the mountains, I'll be your prey. What do you think?"

I could feel my temper rising but I tried to contain it.

"I think it's a dumb idea."

Now, I could see from his expression that I'd offended him which had not been my intention at all, it was just another of my downfalls.

"Well fuck you, Major Whitlock, I'm sorry I'm not up to your exacting standards."

I got up to retrieve my book but he held it out and I saw the first drops of rain stain the pages. That was it, I lost it and Emmett found himself on the wet ground, my teeth snapping at his throat. Luckily Rosalie heard and came to rescue him but not before he lost several fingers and the flesh from his shoulder.

I apologized of course and he graciously accepted the next day but I knew everyone was wary of me once again and I was seriously considering leaving again when Carlisle asked for my help. At first, I thought it was merely a ploy to keep me with the family but when he mentioned Chief Swan's daughter I knew he was speaking the truth.

I'd heard a lot about her and the accident and I could only imagine what it would be like to go through life with most of your senses shot to shit.

"OK, I'll see her if you think it will do any good but bear in mind what just happened with Emmett."

"He told me it was largely his own fault, I'm afraid Emmett can be very childish at times, even I find him annoying then and he is genuinely sorry."

"And that's supposed to make me feel better? That someone as soft as Emmett forgives me? I could have killed him, Carlisle."

"Yes you could, but you didn't. Rose said you were already backing away when she appeared."

I doubted that although it was all a blur as things always were when I lost my temper. Why did Carlisle keep putting temptation in my way? Now he wanted me to befriend a human who couldn't even scream if I decided to drain her of blood. Why did he think my presence would make any difference to her suffering? Put two pathetic excuses for functioning people together and what would you get? In a word, nothing, or at least nothing good.

So, here I was feeling completely isolated as usual., Another day with nothing to do, it was my day off from work, and the others were at school and college. Carlisle was busy at the clinic and Esme was in Seattle all day. I decided hanging around at the house would only be a waste of time and would not improve my mood any so I decided to hunt not that I was particularly thirsty but it was something to do. I could have gone and snatched a human, no sweat, but I was trying to prove to myself that I could succeed in at least one thing, sticking to a diet of animal blood. If I couldn't do that I decided I would vanish while everyone was otherwise occupied. I headed for the mountains, less temptation up there but something tugged at me, telling me I was going the wrong way and I believed in following your instincts so I made my way towards Forks although the chances of finding prey other than family pets were pretty much out of the question in town.