I'm dying to get this story finished because there are so many other projects waiting so I'm throwing my writer's block out of the window. If only we could do that to the Darren Shan Characters... hmm... Anyway, we've been playing more Consequences games which I might just throw in if people are interested – it's a Steve and Gannen sort of one. If anybody's interested then I can recommend the review button or the PM one - I'm not psychic YET.
Dedicated to the amazing people who know how to read insanity.
The authoresses hold no responsibility for any offense possibly caused by Aunty Ethel. Any coincidences to real, fictional, dead, alien, alternate, three-headed persons who are hygienically challenged and are make-up-happy
Disclaimer: I don't own Darren Shan... Really I don't . . ... Why are you all staring at me?! *runs out sobbing hysterically*
Surprisingly, as Mika walks down the aisle, there are a number of sniffs. It would seem – to an outsider – that perhaps the entirety of the Mountain don't want to see their beloved, in-touch-with-his-feminine-side prince grow up... or down. If you are thinking that they care, you're wrong. In actual fact, the vampires and vampaneze are trying not to laugh but it all proves too much for them and peals of laughter break out, cracking the ceiling with the strength of their sound waves. Upon hearing it, somewhere deep inside the mountain, the medics grimace as they then hear the screams of ribs breaking and funny-bones growing really really big.
Finally, Mika reaches the end and flops like a jellyfish. Darren hisses at Vancha to be more careful and he shrugs.
"I didn't know did I?!" he mumbles.
Something isn't right here... Darren thinks to himself. Shouldn't Seba have stopped playing by now? But Seba can only stop when the priest says something... and Paris is asleep! He had hoped that the old prince would spike into action and be a proper priest but it doesn't look like it'll happen. Suddenly, Darren gets another great idea...
"Mr Crepsley, you'll have to do it!" Darren yells across the room. The red-haired dude stands up and grins, pulling away his dusty tuxedo to reveal a cross between a shining suit of armour and a sparkly vicar-do.
"I SHALL SAVE THE WEDDING!" he screams, leaping through the annoyed rows of guests by jumping on their heads. "DO NOT WORRY!"
Unfortunately, as he's making his big finale to get to the front, he drops like a stone and ends up flopping on his face. The guests wince but some take pictures... especially as a rather curious object appears from his pocket appears.
"What's that?" Darren asks, trying to keep a straight face.
"Uh... nothing, young Master Shan. Nothing at all," he laughs nervously, slowly inching towards the offence. He tries to get to it first but dives into the carpet as Harkat gets there first.
"It's a pair of panties!" Harkat announces, waving them for all to see. They're even more... ahem... stylish than Gavner's were with pink lacy hearts and the backing of a... thong! Some of the men in the back row wolf-whistle and Mr Crepsley goes bright red.
"I can... explain," he mumbles.
"Explain why you have a pair of female panties in your pocket?" Darren shrieks.
"I did not put them there!" he shrieks in reply as he tries to snatch them back.
They both dive for the panties at exactly the same time but Darren gets there first as Mr Crepsley smashes into the side of his head like a toddler throwing lego. The boy gets up, rubs his head but holds the offending articles high in the air. The vampires and vampaneze applaud.
"Phoo-ey!" Mr Crepsley complains, stomping his foot.
The foot rocks the floor, the waves rock the walls, the walls rock the ceiling and a huge chunk of dislocated plaster hits the buffet table at the back of the hall, knocking a sole carrot to the floor. For five seconds there's a piercing, female scream. Everybody pauses and looks at the carrot (which is now panting from the winding).
"I'd know that scream anywhere! I do! I do!" the red-headed vampire squeaks.
"Yes! Larten it's me! Arra! I have been reincarnated in this carrot! You have to help me!" the carrot calls.
Harkat coughs and mutters under his breath, "Does anyone else think this story is slowly spiralling out of control or is it just me?"
From somewhere the very inspiring music from the Olympics/Commonwealth/Other sporting event begins to play and Mr Crepsley runs slow motion towards the carrot.
"Arra!" he calls.
"Larten!" the carrot sighs back.
He slows and picks up the carrot. Everyone pulls out their tissues, ready for a happy ending but then the music stops dead and a very different outcome occurs.
"Like O.M.G. my like bestest bud like EVERRR!!! You're so great for not leaving me to go shopping on my bill. Arra, you're like my new BBFFITWWW (A.N.: Bestest Best Friend Forever In the Whole Wide World) and we are so going SHOPPING!!! Like I sooooo need a new trackie for when me and the guys go to the gym to see cute people work out - so fit! I saw this gorgeous pink one but I'm scared it'll make me look chavvy or fat so I'm going to get the black one 'stead, 'kay? o.j. l.o.l j.k.j.k.j.k.j.k!!! I heart me and you!" he gushes, kissing the carrot in a way that would make your Aunty Ethel (the one that never washes, wears carpets and has so much lipstick on that she can't even get it off you after one of her special sloppy kisses) proud.
"EWWW!!! GET HIM OFF ME!" the carrot screams. "HE'S CRAZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
Darren, taking pity on the vegetable, aims the thong, stretches it and then lets go. It sails through the air and then lands squarely on the small crop of grated cheese his mentor calls hair like a coat on a hook. For a brief moment there's silence and then one person's laughter. Mr Crepsley is laughing.?
"MWAH HA HA HA!" he chuckles. "NOW I HAVE MY PERDY (A.N.: This is 'pretty' in baby-talk/semi-english) PANTIES BACK!"
Still laughing, he tosses the carrot away and runs out screaming. Nobody moves. There's quiet - but not for long.
"HELP!!!" the carrot yells again. Everyone turns back to the front and stares. The screams fade again but like someone being drowned or thrown down a very long tunnel. Baby Fernanda is sat where the carrot was with a little bit of orange veg on it's sewn mouth. The carrot is nowhere to be seen.
A.N.: Did Baby Fernanda really eat the reincarnation of Arra? Has Mr Crepsley gone completely and utterly insane? Is this story ever going to end? Should I be on medication or is this is a safe way to release stress after exams? We shall never know - or shall we? Next time we will actually get to the vows (I hope)! Until I can find some more time to get the next chapter up (I would look again in summer), have fun being incredibly insane and mad and laughing for no reason/freaking people out. Go on! You know it's fun being completely nuts!