Hi! I'm back, and I'm so annoyed even Itachi is scared of me...oh dear...

-_-"

Itachi: Are you really that sure Neji died?

Yes, Itachi. His caged bird seal thing disappeared. And he was hit with that attack while trying to protect Hinata (oh god! I almost typed Hidan! *shudders*) who was trying to protect Naruto.

Itachi: Hn...

But, I have now been able to predict the plotline of Naruto...

Itachi: Really? *skeptical look*

Yup! You see, Obito ends up killing some more shinobi, Naruto beats sense into him, Obito goes over to the good side and revives the shinobi he killed and helps defeat Madara before dying himself.

Itachi: Please ignore her, she's just really mad that Neji died.

I. AM. NOT. MAD.

Itachi: Yes, yes she is...I pity Zetsu. She's going to take out her frustration on annoying him.

Zetsu: What?

OI! ZETSU! GET OVER HERE NOW!

Fertilizer.

It's a 10 letter word that's one of the most important components (hey, components has ten letters too!) in Zetsu's life (Zetsu's life has ten letters if you don't count the apostrophe).

Well, there's also:

Human Parts (also ten letters...if you don't count the space)

And...

Keeping Tobi in Check (which is most definitely not ten letters).

Zetsu had a very specific type of fertilizer he used that was created specially for him out of kindness (*cough threatening to eat the gardener cough*) in the heart of Grass Country.

Heart, as in a heart shaped piece of land.

Zetsu liked hearts.

They tasted good.

Even if they were a lot bloodier than other parts.

Which was why he had a special method to eat them:

ZETSU'S GUIDE TO ENJOYING HUMAN HEARTS

Welcome! Today we will show you how to rip people's hearts out and devour them while the victims are still alive!

No we are not! This is a cooking guide, remember?

Oh yeah.

Let's continue.

Step 1: Kill the person, preferably by clean beheading, and make sure that the chest cavity is not damaged. If it is, you can kill another. There's plenty to go around. That was not nice! Shut up.

Step 2: Cut out the heart carefully, be careful to cut any arteries and veins as close to the heart as possible without damaging it. Remember, hearts are disposable. If it comes to it, steal a heart from Kakuzu. That's not very nice either! Right. Take a heart from Tobi instead. Black Zetsu!

Step 3: Carefully drain out all blood. You have to be careful to drain all of it. Even if it means you have to wash it in a nearby lake. But make sure the lake water is clean.

Step 4: Carefully slit the heart open and fill any empty cavities with your preferred stuffing. Leftover Thanksgiving stuffing would work. That wouldn't work. It's almost Christmas! Who still has Thanksgiving stuffing? ...Me.

Step 5: Roast the heart over a fire, adding honey every five minutes or so. Continue this until the heart (and stuffing!) are completely cooked through and are sweetened by honey. This is why you drain the blood. Honey and blood taste like- Be quiet!

Step 6: Eat it. No complaints about that.

"Zetsu...what is this?" asked Pein.

"My recipe for eating human hearts."

O::O "I think I'll just leave now..."

Is Zetsu a venus flytrap, aloe vera, or palm tree?

Well...the answer is...

HE'S A MUTANT ALIEN!

No. That's not it.

Zetsu belongs to the family Carnivorous Plantus, a special family of plants which, generally include venus flytraps, but specifically include human-flesh-consuming plants.

And that's his father's side.

Zetsu's mother belongs to the family Polypersonalitus, a family who generally has two personalities, on on each side of the head.

Now you know Zetsu's family history, use the Punnet Square to determine the chances of another Zetsu being born. Let Carnivorous Plantus be XX, the dominant allele, and Polypersonalitus be xx, the recessive allel.

...I'll let you figure what all those complicated sciency stuff means.

Now, we go back to fertilizer.

Every winter, Zetsu goes and buys 50 pounds of fertilizer every day for two weeks. When spring comes, he shuts himself away in his Zetsu Hideout for about 2 months before coming out again.

Why?

It's because Zetsu, surprisingly, does pollinate.

(I'll wait for you to get over your shock.)

Alright. Shaken yourself up? Well, next topic.

Zetsu's flowers are orange.

(That shock will wear off soon.)

And...the flowers may bear fruit. Also known as...

Jucius Bitter Cookius

AKA: The Bitter Juicy Cookies, named for it's bitter taste, juicy texture, and cookie appearance.

(Don't worry. Shocks of these caliber aren't fatal...usually.)

...I think I'm done now...I'm going to go off and try to pretend Neji didn't die. Itachi, I leave this to you. *walks off*

Er...Right. Since Byaku has left off to go and angst *dodges giant hammer* I will finish this.

We sincerely apologize for Byaku being in such a bad mood, as Neji is her...third favorite Naruto male character of all time, preceded by me and Sasori.

*comes back* Because they're fun to poke. And also, you barely smile.

*pushes Itachi away*

Ok, I'm back. And next is Tobi. If you would like Tobi to do something humorous, please review and I shall credit you!

Actually, I've lost a lot of brain cells over math, and am using up imagination...

Byaku~