Cats vs. Dragons
A/N: Look closely and you'll see a short cameo of a character from my other AQ story, Loyal to the End.
A large and bulky yellow alpha werewolf was groaning and holding his head. He had just woke up in the middle of nowhere, having a vague memory of what just happened to him. He stood up slowly and looked up and down, noticing the ceiling was made of metal and the floor was made of dirt. Then he looked straight ahead and saw seven vertical bars blocking his path to freedom. It suddenly came clear that the alpha werewolf was in some type of jail cell. The werewolf walked up to the bars and looked at them, trying to find a weak point. He unsuccessfully started grabbing the bars, trying to pull them away from their restraints, but it was hopeless. With no other option, the werewolf began to gnaw on the bars with his teeth, desperate to try and escape from his prison cell. Suddenly, the werewolf heard loud chuckling from down the corridor of the building he was in and the captors came into view. It was a couple of Gatta soldiers, all of whom had dark blue skin.
"So how's our stinky little dog doing? You haven't gone insane have you?"
Possessed with lycanthropy and canine instincts, the werewolf started snarling and growling at the cat species, lashing his claws through the bar in order to kill the soldiers. But the soldiers made sure they stood far away from him to avoid taking damage. All the Gattas laughed at the werewolf's stupidity, showing no self-control for himself.
"Where am I? Where the hell am I? What is this?" asked the werewolf.
"Just a little kidnapping, that's all. You see, we know that you serve as a key player in the Were-King's army, so we're capturing you and forcing him to pay us a random. I'm sure a hefty sum of 20,000 Z-Tokens shall suffice."
The alpha werewolf growled gutturally and examined the Gattas. Their clothing was more advanced and they looked more…professional. Then two things came into his mind: They were renegades or freelancers aligned for themselves.
"King Daraian didn't order you to do this, did he? You guys are working behind his back, aren't you?!"
A Gatta soldier chuckled. "So we like to earn a little money on the side."
"You fools! The Were-King will have vengeance for this! Do not think that he won't bat an eye to retaliate against your species or your king!!"
The leader of the Gattas plugged his nose and started waving his other hand in front of his face.
"Please, try not to open your mouth so much. Your breath smells like a PainDeer's posterior."
"Hmph! There's not much point in trying to insult a Lycan who was appointed to gross out Elder Vampires with Osmophobia."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"Vampires hate stinkiness, and as you can see…"
The werewolf deeply inhaled his underarms and sighed contently.
"I have very little hygiene. So you can say my breath stinks, and my feet smell like cheese, and my fur reeks of a mummy's decaying ass; it's not gonna bother me."
"He's right Koren. A bunch of these Lycans practically bathe in their own B.O." said one of Koren's subordinates.
"Like I said earlier, you should let me go. Or else a whole bunch of malodorous werewolves like myself are gonna be picking their teeth clean with your bones."
"You don't order me around Daxxil. See, I know about your little weakness too. You ever hear of Ablutophobia?"
"Yeah, so?"
"MacGillen! Go get the tub ready!" yelled Koren.
Daxxil gulped loudly.
It had been a couple of days since Gorvl's family reunion and at least a week since Daxin-Backbreath's humiliating defeat at the claws of Bluic. He hadn't taken his defeat lightly and was currently contemplating on what he should do to get revenge. Right now, Daxin-Backbreath was sitting alongside some of his friends like Swelshere and Ulek, as well as a couple of other bystanders. Swelshere was a green WereDragon whilst Ulek was coated with white fur. Swelshere had a bowel disorder--probably IBS--so he frequently had to excuse himself from public areas to defecate behind a large tree or pass gas. Ulek had halitosis and was growing a nasty case of mold on his soles so his feet weren't exactly sweet-smelling. And both of them absolutely loved to torment people in the most inhumane and disgusting ways possible. Then again, Brihart had halitosis and passed gas too and Gorvl's father had horrible foot odor, and their family and friends put up with it.
"Ugh…what are you eating Daxin? It smells horrible!" asked Swelshere.
Daxin leaned forward and inhaled his hot meal: Dead piranhas seasoned with rotten saber deer brains and mustard. And Daxin also ordered the dish that was extra-spicy so someone added a large sum of curry created with the bowels of a HelZard. It tasted like chewy spicy tuna, but the smell of all those dead animals and the mustard was not invigorating to Swelshere.
"I call it Spicy Seafood Complexion!" said Daxin.
"Well whatever it is, it stinks!" said Ulek, also covering his nose.
Daxin-Backbreath dug his whole snout into the spicy dish and started ravaging the meal with his teeth, noisily smacking and chewing.
"What about you guys? Your meals don't smell so riveting either!"
"I'm eating a Zard Smorgasbord! What could possibly be wrong with eating Zards?" asked Swelshere.
"I don't know about you, but that zombie zard might be a little too…zombie-ish, if you catch my drift."
"Oh, please! You just don't know good taste when you see it. You are the dragon who sleeps in his own dung."
"So? You got problem with my body odor Swelshere? Got somethin' you wanna get off your chest?" asked Daxin, slowly approaching his friend.
"Yeah. You could really use a bath!"
"Really?"
"Really."
Daxin-Backbreath jumped on top of Swelshere backwards and pinned him to the ground, making sure his tail was positioned right on top of his head.
"What the hell are you doing?! Get your smelly grimy toes offa me!"
Daxin-Backbreath sighed and lifted his tail, before he began to pass gas on top of Swelshere's head. Swelshere tried to escape, but Daxin was way too heavy for him to do anything, so all he could do was lay there and accept his fate.
"Still think I need that bath?"
"Yes!"
"All right then."
Daxin farted on Swelshere so hard that a little "extra" came out. Swelshere screamed with horror when he felt the brown excrement plop on his scalp and slowly flow the side of his cheek, steamy and stinky.
"Whoops!! Guess I shot one out too hard eh?!" laughed Daxin-Backbreath.
"HA HA!! You got pooped on by a dragon!" laughed Ulek.
Swelshere growled gutturally and grabbed the chunk of poop off his face, chucking it into Ulek's mouth. Ulek stopped laughing and began to choke, making Daxin-Backbreath laugh even harder.
"Now I see why your breath stinks so badly! You keep pissing dragons off and make them throw crap in your mouth!"
"So what's our plan for today boss?" asked Ulek.
"Well today, we're gonna find that wind dragon Bluic and earn some good ole fashioned payback!"
"I don't understand. Why are you so pissed off at that guy?"
"He threw me in a pit full of dragon poop and had a bunch of other dragons crap all over my head. I had to sleep in that pit you know!"
"So? You sleep in your own shit everyday."
"Keyword: MY. I sleep in my own shit everyday. You can find some horrific shit when you sift through another dragon's pile of crap man!"
"I didn't know someone as disgusting as you had his limits Daxin!" laughed Swelshere.
Swelshere groaned and clutched his stomach, letting loose a couple blasts of flatulence that were so strong they blew a bush out of its roots.
"Nice one. You should really have something done with your colon Swelshere!" said Ulek.
"And maybe you should do something about that breath!"
"Shut up! All of our attributes--my stinkiness--your breath--Swelshere's farts and poop--it's all for a good cause! We get to use it on that wind shifting dragon Bluic!"
"I hope this Bluic character likes the smell of my posterior!"
"No…no he does not! Let's go dragons!"
Just as Daxin-Backbreath and his two cronies were about to launch off, another fellow WereDragon shouted out his name and he stumbled, falling flat on his stomach.
"WHAT?! I told you not to bother me when I'm on my quests of vengeance!!"
"Sorry Daxin-Backbreath, but I think this is something you should be aware of. A couple dragons from my squad found some Gatta renegades kidnap an alpha werewolf."
"So?"
"It was Daxxil."
"Isn't Daxxil your owner?" asked Ulek.
"Yeah, he raised me ever since I was a tiny WereDragon…do you know where he is? We've got to find him!"
"Yeah, we do. There's a cave that actually isn't even that far away from Frostvale; we think they're hiding there."
"Shouldn't we just wait for the Were-King to send his Lycans there and rescue him?" asked Swelshere.
"Uh, no. I hear those Gattas are planning on giving Daxxil a bath. You know what that means, right?" asked the WereDragon.
"No." said Daxin.
"The last time he got a bath, he freaked out so much that he went insane and started killing any form of creature that had a pulse. I tell you, stuff like that haunted the Were-King for life."
"What'd he do that was so horrible?"
"For one, he almost committed cannibalism and slaughtered twenty of his own WereDragons. Remember what happened to his last pet WereDragon?"
"The one who had his innards sucked out or the one who had his skull ripped out?"
The second Daxin-Backbreath heard that little comment, he immediately shot himself into the air, frantically looking for his pet owner. The last thing he wanted was to have his viscera sucked out by one of his best friends, so he suggested that they should find Daxxil ASAP!
"Come on! There's no time to waste!!" said Daxin in a panicked state.
"Wow that dragon sure can fly fast…"
Daxin, Swelshere, Ulek, and the brown WereDragon who informed them of the news, Cresh, were standing outside of the hidden cave in Frostvale. It was time to begin the assault.
"All right, I've come up with a plan. I'm gonna sneak up behind the commander of these Gattas and whack him with my tail. Then--"
"Swelshere turn around and press your butt against the cave." said Daxin, interrupting Cresh.
"Wha--but I have a grand master plan that will--"
"Now relax your bowels." said Daxin, lifting Swelshere's tail up.
Swelshere sighed and wiggled his butt on the cave walls. Then the next thing everyone knew, Swelshere was blasting massive wet farts into the cave, not having a care in the world if any of his friends got wind of it.
"How is this any better than my plans?!" whined Cresh.
"Clearly you haven't got a whiff of Swelshere's malodorous flatulence." said Ulek.
The dragons stood there for another minute or two until they heard loud groaning and thuds from within the cave and realized that many of Gattas were unconscious. Daxin's plan was working so far. Now all he had to do was find Daxxil.
"You guys might want to hold your noses. No telling how strong Swelshere's back blast can be." said Daxin, proceeding into the cave.
"Shut up! My farts don't stink that bad!" retorted Swelshere.
Suddenly, a Gatta ran out of the cave with a green face and wound up vomiting all over the snow, before passing out into his own throw up.
"Uh-huh. Sure it doesn't."
The dragons held their breath and crawled inside the cave, amazed that the place was littered with unconscious and nauseated cat creatures. And it was all thanks to Swelshere and his brilliant gas!
"See? Your IBS is useful for something!" said Ulek, smiling widely.
"We get it! My gas smells horrible! Why the fuck do you dragons keep bragging about it?!"
"Cause it's fun." chuckled Daxin.
The dragons heard loud breathing and a few groans from another corridor and crawled through a narrow tunnel, arriving to the jail cell of the cave and finding Daxxil standing over Koren, who was coughing violently due to Swelshere's noxious gas. Judging by the bar of soap next to Koren, they were mere seconds away from scrubbing Daxxil clean.
"Daxxil sure looks freaked out…" said Cresh.
Daxxil looked up and saw his pet dragon Daxin-Backbreath standing in front of him, smiling.
"You guys got here just in time. A minute later and I would've been…clean." said Daxxil, twitching as he muttered the word "clean".
"So what do you think we should do with this little feline here?" asked Daxin.
"I say we eat him." said Daxxil, with a deranged smile on his face.
"No, no, no. I say we send him to the Were-King. I bet our leader could use a Gatta slave to massage his feet everyday." suggested Cresh.
"Better yet, we send his body back to King Daraian and see what he has to say about his betrayal." said Ulek.
Daxin chuckled evilly and scratched his head, getting one of the brightest and grossest ideas ever. Perhaps he'd get his revenge after all.
"I got an idea…"
Koren was strapped to the floor while Daxxil and his WereDragons were staring and laughing at him, ready to torture him.
"King Daraian will have your heads for this!!!" shouted Koren.
"I sincerely doubt that. Let's get started!" said Daxxil.
"What-what are you guys gonna do to me??"
"Since you tried to give me a bath, how's about we give you a bath too?"
"With what?"
Daxxil and Ulek instantly loomed over Koren's face and belched loudly right at him, expelling their horrible breath into his nostrils. Then Daxin came in and licked Koren from chin to forehead, leaving a large glob of saliva on his head. The WereDragons and the alpha werewolf laughed boastfully while Koren tried shaking the slobber off of him.
"God, your breath stinks!"
"And that's just the start of your bath! Ulek, why don't you wash his face?" asked Daxin.
"With pleasure boss!"
Ulek lifted one of his feet and pressed down onto Koren's face, laughing as he did so. He began to swirl his foot around and wiggle his toes, making sure Koren got a nice whiff of his foul foot odor.
"How's that smell Gatta?"
Ulek lifted his foot and Koren was violently coughing, with a few green smears on his face. Some of the mold on his foot was wiped onto his face.
"It smells awful!! What, did you step in rotten mushrooms before you got here?!"
"I don't know. Why don't you take another whiff and find out?"
Koren screamed as Ulek pressed his foot down on his face once more, rubbing it against his nose and forehead. After a solid 30 seconds of rubbing, Ulek took his foot back off.
"My turn!" shouted Cresh and Daxin in unison.
The two WereDragons turned themselves around, aiming their butts at Koren while laughing under their breath.
"No, not that! Anything but that!!"
Daxin and Cresh sat down on Koren; Cresh sat down on his legs and Daxin sat down on his face. It was pretty obvious with what they were about to do next. Cresh released a low strain of tiny farts while Daxin lifted his leg and farted right on the Gatta's head, practically clogging his respiratory system. Everyone was laughing their asses off, falling to the floor to giggle and hoot with joy while Cresh and Daxin relaxed themselves and continued to pass gas.
"Hey Daxin! Check this out!"
Cresh stood on all fours and lifted his tail, farting so hard on the Gatta that all of his clothes and armor were blown off. Koren shrieked when he felt a warm breeze in his nether region and released he was naked.
"That's nothing! Watch this!"
Daxin got on all fours as well and propped his hindquarters right over Koren's mouth. He then grunted as his anal sphincter expanded and farted so hard that poop shot out, covering the Gatta soldier's head. All he could do was scream and thrash around while the WereDragons and Daxxil were laughing. They were laughing so hard that Ulek started crying…and Daxxil peed all over the ground. After recovering from their raucous laughs, Daxxil walked over to Koren and un-tied his restraints.
"Now you listen to me. You're gonna walk outta here, gather up your troops, and run away as far as you can. I don't wanna see you anywhere near Darkovia or else I'm gonna see if the Were-King likes the taste of Gattan liver. You understand me?"
Koren whimpered and said, "Yeah…yeah I get it."
"Good. Swelshere?"
"I'm on it."
Swelshere turned around and swatted Koren with his tail, launching him out of the cave. …At least that's what he thought. Turns out, Swelshere whacked Koren in the opposite direction and he landed in Daxin-Backbreath's anus, with nothing showing but his legs and tail.
"Oops."
Koren was screaming and thrashing around, trying to get out of Daxin's stinky posterior while Daxin was shouting and grunting with pain.
"GET HIM OUT! GET HIM OUT!!"
"Why?"
"He's clawing at my sphincter! Do you have any idea how painful it feels to have a cat tear away the inside of your bowels?!!?"
"I'm not touching your butt!" said Cresh, Ulek and Swelshere in unison.
"Just fart him out!" yelled Daxxil.
"Hey! Good idea!"
Daxin grunted and started to break wind. Koren was slowly coming out of his butthole, but there still wasn't enough pressure to get him out completely. So Daxin started to poop him out, but the poop squirted around Koren's body and shot everywhere in the cave.
"Daxin what the hell?!!?" shouted Daxxil, shielding his face.
Daxin grunted three more times and Koren slowly fell out with a loud, disgusting plop. He was buried in dragon excrement and yet, he was still alive, and barely breathing. Daxin sighed with relief and collapsed to the ground, exhausted.
"I think today's been eventful enough. Let's go back to Darkovia." said Swelshere.
"Hey Daxxil! I learned something today!"
"What's that Daxin?"
"All Gattas smell like failure!"
Ulek walked over to Koren and sniffed his body.
"Really? Smells like dragon dung to me."
"Ulek, shut up. You've just ruined the joke."
All the dragons and Daxxil walked away, leaving Ulek to stand by himself in a confused state.
"What? What'd I say? Guys? HELLO!!! …Can somebody answer me?"