~Saturday – Dawn

Everything is different now. I am back home in the dorm. I remember everything. I am not drunk for once. I am completely sober.

Everything was different when I left my room… This time, I was going to go with an open heart, this time I would mean it.

Every other time we have gone, I didn't care. I went along because I wanted to be with everyone. I never saw until now what they saw in him, but I see it now, and I wasn't ready - I wasn't prepared for what he would see in me.

Everything started the way it always did. The six of us snuck out, as usual we were the first to arrive in the woods. Tisiphone performed her charm, transfiguring her wand into a torch then lighting our bonfire with it. I never saw it for what it was, a sacred rite, the opening to our sinful ceremony. She is our dark priestess… and yet, it seems so ironic - for she brings light and warmth to the frozen forest.

The others arrived. Some I know, some I do know. Once most of the congregation had come, the Malfoy appeared looking far more regal in their robes than any of us in our finest ever could. They were followed by the Lestranges, who far outshined even them. As much as I hate that spoiled brat of a woman, that mask Bellatrix Lestrange wears is a work of art. They are all so impressive.

He finally arrived... He doesn't so much arrive – he appears as a vision – a wisp of smoke. Everyone applauded. But he put up his hands, smiled and bowed - shaking off the adoration. He beamed at everyone. Being ever so the gentlemen, he raised his hands once more to gently silence his followers. He began to make his way - gliding about the fire, his feet barely touching the ground, dancing as it were. His serpent was gliding about behind his steps.

He speaks softly in nearly poetic verse. We all stared transfixed. This time, I joined the others. I tried to care. I wanted to care. I was convinced it was not much - what he truly said, for I did not pay much heed to the words, just the delivery.

Finally the opening speech ended to more tumultuous applause – it was exciting – for them. I wanted something within me to stir, but it didn't. Once again, I sat with everyone, unable to let go and be in the moment. I felt nothing, only the distance between them and myself...

Finally the others broke into private conversation. This was normally the point in the ritual when Tisiphone would drag me away to snog. She sometimes seems to feel as awkward as I do at that fire. I am always so grateful to have someone to feel out of place with… Every time we have gone to those meetings, we have snuck off. We hide in the woods behind the same tree every time and go at it. This time, I felt so let down after failing to feel what everyone else felt, especially after I tried so hard. I was more than ready to pass the time away from the others with her, hidden by our tree locked in our unholy embrace.

I turned to her, she took my hand – but her face – a look of horror came across her face. She seemed gripped with some unknown dread. I couldn't understand what had come over her. Avery had taken hold of her other hand and was pulling her away. All he wanted was for her to meet Evan's father and someone named Nott or something. What was so scary about that? She told him she didn't want to leave me, I'm not sure why. I told her it was fine that she should go. I said I would wait for her. It was only an introduction really, how long could it take. She kept looking back at me when they walked away. What did she think I was going to do while she was gone? Snog someone else behind her back? Girls…

So I sat alone. I fidgeted with my coat, played with the sleeves, rolled them up and took my wand out from my right sleeve. I used it and set little twigs on fire, transfigured the tips of my boots to steel to pass the time. Something blocked out the firelight as I played, I wish I had realized sooner what had been going on. How foolish I must have looked. He stood before me. He had been looking down at me the whole time. I was sure he would laugh at my stupidity…

But he didn't.

I couldn't believe it. He just – looked down at me, and he knew. No Legilimens, I would have felt that – he just – understood. What he said…. How he said it. I can still hear him as if he were with me in this room.

"Mydearboy…" his voice came through as this barely audible whisper. "Why is it that you come here to be with us, and yet wander in your mind elsewhere? Something, distracts you, pains you from a not – so – distant past does it not?"

All I could do was nod. My breath had been stolen. I had been staring up at him, completely transfixed as he spoke. It had never occurred to me that I would ever have to speak in his presence. My lips were frozen. I could not possibly manage speech. I kept staring at him. I was so overcome that I hadn't realized I had committed one of the greatest sins I could ever commit against myself. One that I have only committed out of necessity in the presence of Tisiphone. I had left my sleeve pushed up, my arm was completely exposed.

"And what,my son," he said looking down, "is this?" He gestured to my arm. He knelt down to me - reached out his hand to mine, and took my hand in his. He has such long fingers, his grasp was so slight - it could have been a woman who had taken my hand. Just as delicately as he had taken my hand, he twisted my wrist, turned my arm up to face him, and began examining the image.

Then he looked me in the eye and fixed me with his gaze. I stared back. The power of speech was still far beyond me. How could I speak to him? How could I possibly explain? I felt emotion begin to choke me. Tears flooded my eyes – I just started sobbing uncontrollably, it was horrible. Thank God no one else but him was there to see.

He stood up then, I looked up at him, not knowing at all what to think anymore. He looked down at me, raised out his arms and cocked his head to the side. The expression on his face, it wasn't pity. It was sympathy – as if he truly understood. I choked back a sob and fell as silent as I could. He turned his head to the other side, same expression - still looking at me with genuine understanding and then he spoke again.

"My dear boy, I see – you come before me battle weary, wounded by love. – And here" he whispered, pointing with his long fingers to my arm, "here is the scar to prove it." I felt ashamed – I moved to cover it. I tried to speak – to apologize – I must have managed to say, "I'm sorry" – but he merely raised his hands, as he had earlier to stem applause.

"No no!" He spoke softly to stop my rambling, "no you mustn't apologize – for you – came here bravely with your heart on your sleeve, as it were. To do that took courage – to admit to your heartache took a strength that most others – sadly – lack."

He said, "bravely" – he said, "courage" – he said, "strength" – those are three words no one has ever used to describe me. Ever.

He continued, "I understand you see, how it must have been for you – in that school… You must have been surrounded by students, who could scarcely understand you, let alone match your Wizarding ability – and I am sure,these – inferior children – told you – that the blame,lay with you."

Again I was lost for words. He knows.

And he simply went on speaking, gesturing gracefully with his hands as he did, "Children, who do not understand – must mock. It is their nature. It is all they have. They will never match you, in intellect, character or strength – and so they must bring you down – to their level. They will tell you, that you are something you are not, when in truth, it is they – who are the failures."

The power of speech returned to me. "Yes." Was all I could manage, but it was solid. My voice did not waver what so ever.

"Yes," he repeated, "And you had to endure their cruel torments all this time – all the while suffering a love who left you to bear her image upon your flesh while turning her affections to one of them did she not?"

He knows! Again I had no words. But he did.

"Yes," he said, " I too was young once. I too endured such – such difficulties – but we must not let them stand in the way of our destinies. In deed we do not. We take, that which has harmed us, and we use that to make us stronger. You – dear boy are wounded – but you are not destroyed. You are here with us to forget the pain that burnt your arm. You are here to begin your new life. With me you will achieve your full potential as a great wizard. I can help you to be greater than that – silly school-could ever have made you. Now tell me son, are you Pure Blood?"

"I'm half sir." I hated to say it. I hung my head in shame as I did so.

"Aaaahhhh" was all he said. No anger, than he asked – "On which side?"

"On my Mother's sir. She is Pure Blood Witch," I told him.

"Aaahhhhh, and the other?" At this, fear and shame subsided. Rage.

"I don't – deal with him." I sneered and stared in fury into the fire. I nearly spit I was so sick with anger – at that one.

"I see," I thought he would be as disgusted as I was, but he seemed even then to understand, "I see – it is a terrible tragedy – that even the greatest of us must suffer an imperfect lineage. And yet, there are those of us, extremely rare though we are - who are so exceptional that we transcend our very heritage. For we are greater by far - than any of those that bore us.You – like me – are one of those exceptional few aren't you boy?"

He was not asking me. He was telling me. "Yes," I said finally accepting everything he said about me. I felt – confident – I was no longer ashamed to look up at him. I held my head up – the first time in my life I can ever remember doing so. He seemed to see this.

He just beamed at me, "Son, tell me your name."

"Severus – the Half Blood Prince."

He extended his hand to me, "Severus,the Half – Blood Prince, I am Lord Voldemort, and it is an honor, to make your acquaintance"

"Likewise," I told him, I was smiling.

"There now Severus," he said releasing my hand and stepping back. "You heard my speech earlier then... Have you made up your mind – will you take the Initiation Rites with the others upon our next meeting? Will you become one of my most trusted allies, join with us and become one of my faithful - one of my Death Eaters?"

No hesitation. "I will."

He smiled... He said a bit more – mostly about how pleased he was that I would join him. All I could think of was starting another life. I wanted it more than anyone could ever know.

But he knows – he knows!

Tisi came back a few minutes later. I didn't think it possible, but she seemed even more upset. Girls. She asked if I had agreed to become a Death Eater. I guess she was worried I wouldn't have the courage to do it with the rest of them... I told her. She didn't seem too surprised when she'd heard that I'd said yes to him. That made me feel better. Then she sighed and said something about how she'd better finish my birthday present. She still didn't seem herself. She seemed still quite upset. I can't imagine Nott must have said when they spoke. It is too bad The Dark Lord didn't talk to her. She would have felt a lot better if he had spoken to her as he had all the rest of us.

I can't worry about her right now. I have to prepare with the others for the next meeting. It all comes down to the next one. Everything depends upon it! That night – will be our Initiation… A new life – a death to the one I lead now…. Oh how I welcome it….

~Saturday – Night – My Room

I sat for most of the afternoon, planning with the guys in the Common Room. The date is already set of course – but our escape form the castle must be much more carefully coordinated this time. Can't have any of the other Slytherins see us leave now.

I cast Muffliato as we sat speaking. We cannot risk being overheard. Who knew that spell would become so useful when cast against others. And here I was stupidly using it to keep myself free from their voices… I am glad we have the use of it now. We cannot be overheard. We cannot be seen sneaking out any longer.

This is no longer some childish game - us going out to Hogsmeade to hide lead weights in unguarded brooms. No more dropping dragon eggs onto drunken bar patrons – we are part of something real now. This is far bigger than any of us.

~Tuesday-Night Common Room

Too many people in the Common Room. Muffliato of not, we've broken off our discussion to be safe. Our plans are almost perfect now. Just as well we stopped planning... I can't concentrate. Tisiphone is eyeing me from across the room. She asked me to come to her room tonight. I've not really seen her since Friday night in the forest. I shouldn't go – should stay with the guys and plot things out a bit more.

Then again, it would do me well to alleviate my frustrations. I have been getting tense and anxious again. We should be fine – our plans are fairly solid, and we still have time. Might as well go to her. That and I need a drink. Think I still have some Absinthe under my bed. Hopefully Tisiphone still has some of the Lisorra bloom under hers.

Fix me with your serpent stare again Tisi. I see you. If you think you want me, very well. I'm yours.

~Wednesday – Just before Dawn – My room

Another sky - dark black turns to dark blue. Another dawn, another sunrise I will see after another sleepless night. I haven't come down yet. Must write or I will surely wonder later why my robes are ripped and torn.

Funny, in fifth year, I used to frantically write to vent my anger. Now I frantically write so as not to forget. I can't keep anything straight anymore. This book is the only constant I have in my life. I lay awake and dream of Lily – still. I hear her voice, I see her in my mind and I shutter. I want to run. I don't even know what I feel anymore but the need to run. Some things I am beginning to want to forget.

But these shredded robes. Its funny, I kind of like it. I look like someone the Muggles would call Punk. Fitting. All the Muggle music we played last night. "Station to Station", "Led Zeppelin VI" - Oh last night... That's right, last night over now – but the pain isn't. Oh my body…how it aches and will surely grow more soar as the day progresses.

We - having gone so long with out release… Must not let her – or myself go so long with out release. I don't think we've ever been so frantic or violent with each other. I'd barely crossed the threshold and she was on me. I managed to shut the door and she literally tore my clothes off. She was shouting something at me – what it was I couldn't understand, she was however, shredding my clothes in her fury. I didn't hear her I just shoved her back a moment – not to hurt her, I just to go off. She stared up at me burning with as much lust as was I.

We froze – then launched at each other – but I was quicker. I grabbed her tight frail frame – I lifted her from the ground and kissed her. She pushed herself up on my shoulders - I grabbed her by the waist and held her up above me. It seemed she flew - and for a moment I felt almost – but I couldn't hold it – she couldn't it either. I released her just as she collapsed back into my arms almost in tears. We both let go and gave into our fear and anxiety. I don't know how, but I knew she was in the same place as was I emotionally.

Hysteria. As if our lives depended on undressing the other as quickly as possible. Practically on the ground – I ripped her sweater in half. My robes already torn and across the room she ripped my shirt open and tried to force it down my arms while I tore open her shirt. Even as she pinned my arms with my sleeves forced my hands under her shirt and grabbed her breasts hard. I remember hitting my head against something solid. It hurt. I remember liking it… the next thing I knew we were naked.

Kneeling over her on the floor. Drenched in sweat. Fluid, venom, blood – she was digging her nails in me as if to tear my flesh as she had my clothes - I went off on her harder. We both came. We bit each other then started drinking and fucking again. After that it becomes hard to remember. I do remember blissfully breathing in a hit as I was inside of her then passing the pipe to her…it was perfect. I don't remember much, just coming hard…my eyes rolling back in my head… I floated there, weightless and lost in the clouds…. We were lying there, torn and a mess on the stone floor of her room. Dear God what has become of me…what has become of us?

"If it keeps on raining, levee's going to break.

When the levee breaks I'll have no place to stay

Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good…"

Darkness. A blur of rain and stars outside. Falling.

…I know we went at it several more times. We were still at it just before dawn. I remember laughing as we dressed. Both of us attempting repairing charms on our ruined robes – neither of us coherent enough to accomplish the act. We just laughed and laughed. I'm still soar now. We really can't go that long in future with out fucking. Now I'm off to class, with a robe full of rips. I scare myself sometimes and sometimes, I love my life. I am in love with it now, even though I have class in less then an hour… I just need to even out first – I will be knocking a lot of Absinthe into my morning tea.

~Wednesday – Potions Class

Oh morning. Oh my god what this morning has been... Forget the tea I just drank Absinthe straight. Not that I needed it. Tisi and I were both still so drunk when we got to The Great Hall. Her hair always so perfect was a wreck. "Did I do that to your hair?" I asked. Everyone laughed.

Evan laughed the most, "And this is why you can't have nice things Severus", he said and we all laughed. Everyone always laughs when we show up disheveled or drunk to class or breakfast. But Avery was annoyed for some reason. I'd say it was weird, but then again, we'd never been so disheveled before! Tisi at least changed some of her clothes – but mine were barely staying on. It was so funny.

To think of it now Avery had a good point, only Evan would do something so foolish, but we were too drunk to think better this morning. Avery ordered Wilkes to repair our clothes and straighten our hair out, which he did quite well. Well enough for me, or so I thought. We split up to go to class but I don't remember why. Then that fuck Lupin came up to me.

"Severus" he said to me in a snide, obnoxious manner, "Do you realize you're missing several buttons from your robes?" I was so mad. Even for being the better of the four - he is such a prat. I sneered at him – but he just had do keep going, "I realize you've not put a lot of stock into your appearance over the years, but you might want to considered that we will be graduating soon. You'll want to put your best foot forward and not wander about in such unkempt clothing."

I lost it. I grabbed him at the shoulders, pulled him up by his robes and threw him into the wall. I got into his face and screamed. "Fuck you Lupin! – Shut your fucking mouth and wipe that look off your face - or I'll do it for you!"

I exploded and once I'd started screaming I couldn't stop. " Go on laugh all you want about a missing fucking button! You wouldn't laugh if you knew the reason it was ripped off in the first place. That's right – a woman tore that bloody button off of me while we were fucking last night! Where were you? Still playing animal farm with your fucking friends! Maybe Lupin – you'd get a woman of your own if you weren't so busy carrying Potter and Black's books around! Or maybe – no woman wants you for fear that you would shred more than just her clothes - you fucking hazard to humanity. Get out of my face."

I released him then stormed off to class. I'm still shaking. I'm still so mad over what he said to me but I am more shocked by what I did. What came over me? Since when do I attack like that? And yet, that attack… Was that attack not the very thing I have wanted to do all this time? Wasn't that why I stared writing? I wrote because I could not do what I wanted to do – which was to scream like that when I was a frightened child two years ago? I'm not that child now – I was able to scream just now so why am I still shaking? Why am I still afraid when I have finally found the courage to speak what has been burning inside of me all this time? Is this not what I wanted?

It is. That was my wish – I've done it. But, now that I've done it I feel weird. Just like kissing and sex… nothing is what I imagined it would be. I guess I'll get used to it.

Still, the nagging thing I can't shake is the look that I saw in his eyes. I know that look... for - it used to be mine. He is cursed. He is tainted – like me. Yes he has the protection of Dumbledore, but… he is like me, isn't he?

Oh God, I do feel bad for what I've done! I shouldn't, knowing he has shown no remorse for what he has done to me over the years. But I have my strength to scream now. So what if it is not what I imagined? I'll get used to it. I have to, I have to accept it and now dwell on it…

~Friday – Common Room – Grey Rain Rain Rain

One week. Seven Days, in seven days. It is going to happen. Silly to fear the so-called Dark Arts now. Not after what we did last night – again. What we've been doing. Letting her wrap herself around me in that sinful manner. Sins against nature, forget our old trespasses. And now my body hurts in ways that no mortal should ever feel after fucking. Well, at least now we have the presence of mind to remove our clothing with a bit more care.

Dear God - what are we doing? Why am I letting her do that to me? I know its is starting to affect me. I feel drugged. She's lucky I like to feel sick and drugged. She can do it all she wants. Let her blind my eyes and bite me… just need to be ready for next week. And I will be.

~Wednesday – Potions Class – Storms

Almost went to her room last night, but I knew better. Friday is too near to risk going to her again. Must be sober for it. Must not let her get to me. I see what she's doing. Wicked woman, she's trying to make me too sick to go. That's it. She wants all the glory for herself. She's jealous because The Dark Lord spoke to me and not to her. She thinks, that she can slip me her poison and keep me incapacitated as her slave just a little while longer. She thinks, that if she does this - then I will not be well enough to go to The Initiation - then I won't be able to become a Death Eater and then she will and she will be that much further above me still! Oh no - No more of that. I won't let her.

No more of Tisiphone's evil. Done. One night off and already the toxin neutralizes in my veins and my thoughts begin to clear. She will not poison my thoughts as she has my soul. She wants me to be sick. She wants me out of the way… they all do. I see everything for what it is now. That right, I'm in Potions class, it is Wednesday and all that matters is what happens on Friday.

All that matters is what happens on Friday. -Now I just have to stop smoking up and I'll be good.

~Friday Morning – The Great Hall

Tisiphone stopped me in the Common Room. She said she wanted to see me before we left. She asked me if I had been avoiding her. "Of course not." Even I am amazed by my new found ability to outright lie to her face – or anyone's for that matter. Oh what I have become…

But she said she had to give me the rest of my birthday presents. I completely forgot. I agreed to meet her just before lunch. Perhaps I was being a little overly cautious with her. Perhaps… but I am still not letting my guard down…

~Friday – My Room – Late Afternoon - Cold

I don't have much time… but writing in my journal has become part of The Ritual now. I must do it to mentally prepare myself before leaving for The Initiation. I have much more to do this time. Tisiphone gave what she has wanted to give me...

She gave me new robes, much like the ones the Malfoys wear, those she bought me – the other gift she made for me, or had made for me rather.

My Death Eater Mask. Everyone in our gang now has one now. The older generation – their masks are skeletal, but ours are in the style of those worn by the Lestranges. She it turns out - designed all of them. Wilkes's father forged them. Amazing, I feel so blessed to be permitted into this family. Tonight it will be official.

It cannot be done soon enough. Despite my denial of what I saw, it was no drug-induced hallucination. This afternoon, I saw them – the Patronus pair galloping along together at the edge of the forest. The Doe and the Stag, together.

Kill me.

Take me in – take me into the family Please take me away. I am beyond ready.