Do you know how it feels?

How it feels to love someone so much that it turns into hate. To have that hate take over you, encompass you and over power you, so that you want nothing more than to break them, to punish them, rip them apart, devour them – to want nothing more but to annihilate them.

That's how I feel about Sebastian.

This feeling is something I think about often.

There is a tree in the back garden surrounded by magnolia bushes. Even though it's early winter, the weather is quite mild, which allows me to sit out here. Even though I'm wearing long wool trousers, I bring out a blanket and lay it across my lap, although I cannot feel the cold and I brought a book out with me, although I'll not read it. I don't come out here for any other reason than to think – which is something I like to do often. Just lean up against the trunk of the tree, nestle in the magnolias and let my mind wander.

It's been five years since the death of Marie.

I went to her funeral; Sebastian refused to let me go by myself so he came with me. It was a tremendously lavish affair with almost all of New Orleans coming out to walk with her and parade her into the afterlife. There was a twelve-piece ensemble brass band that played a very maudlin sounding dirge as we all walked solemnly into the cemetery and to her gravesite.

This was something that I had never seen before.

I have previously attended only two funerals in my lifetime; one being my aunts' Madam Red and the other was my own. The mourners were dressed in black but some were carrying opened umbrellas, although it was a clear day. The men wore tailcoats and top hats and some had their faces painted white and black, like skulls, paying homage to the voodoo deity, Baron Samedi who, if worshipped, will prevent your corpse from rising as a zombie. In a way, I wish he were around when I died, perhaps I wouldn't be in the state that I am in.

A lot of the mourners had voodoo paraphernalia, such as, dolls, amulets and charms – I myself had my gris-gris, which never left my side, just as she instructed.

Sebastian and I kept a respectful distance in the back, away from the rest, as I really didn't feel comfortable mourning her amongst those who loved her, especially as I was the one who killed her.

That whole night played out constantly in my mind as I tried to piece the fragments of it back together – none of it made any sense. Although, every time I do think back, I become more aware of the fact that she knew she was going to die and she had prepared everything. The gris-gris she gave me before we parted, she told me that when I had this, I would have her. The fact that she didn't put up a protective barrier, she even said that she needed to make arrangements - she knew I was going to kill her.

If she knew, why didn't she warn me? Why did she let me? Why would she even perform the exorcism if she knew I was going to destroy her? I just didn't understand and it wasn't like I could ask her either.

There were many words spoken on her behalf and not a dry eye in sight – until the end when the band struck up a rousing rendition of 'When The Saints Go Marching In'. This was something to see as well as the parade of mourners all started to dance their way out of the cemetery – skirts hitched and hats waved. It was incredibly interesting to see all of these people who once were sad now celebrating – celebrating the wonderful life of Marie.

At the time, I couldn't help but think about how much Undertaker would have loved to see this spectacle. I wondered what he would have made of the whole display? Probably would have joined in some how.

Afterwards, Sebastian and I never really spoke to each other for a few years. It's funny how years mean nothing to me any more – it all went by in the blink of an eye. I was tired of him and he gave me space, which I appreciated but found surprising, nevertheless. However, after living in relative isolation I became bored with it and started to try and spend more time with Sebastian. We got along. We fought. When we did, we fielded forests, and I think my ability to harness my strength even surprised him. We hunted and we stayed in together – I made the best out of the situation and gave up on my need to be free, I suppose I never will be.

I could no longer hear Alois or Alice because of the gris-gris; it somehow blocked them from entering my mind but just because I couldn't hear them didn't mean that I didn't occasionally run their words through my own thoughts. I could feel a sense of disappointment and I know that that must have come from Alice – the one who wanted me to break free so long ago. From the moment she met me, she knew who I was – she could see straight though me to the demonic core I now possess. She was like a kindred spirit, someone who knew what it was like to seek their own death, after all, wasn't that what I was doing when I contracted a demon? I am sorry Alice; I couldn't break the contract after all.

I no longer had the urge to fight Sebastian or to set myself free of him; I gave up and wondered what the point of it all would have been. I was exhausted and tired of struggling against him - which I did try to do on and off throughout the last few years.

His treatment of me hadn't changed, it was a mixture of disgust and distain mixed with what he would describe as love – he's even called it that on a number of occasions although he has never said that he loved me, he only said that he wanted to own me. I became nothing more than a fixture here in this house, I rarely went out and then it was only to sample the local cuisine and when I did – he was always with me, probably in fear that I would run away – but where would I go? He had me trapped but there came a moment where I stopped caring.

I can't exactly tell when my feelings towards him had changed or what prompted it but I suppose it's what happens when you share your existence with someone for so long that your sentiments towards them starts to muddle, you become unsure and you start to wonder if these feelings you have are actually your own – if they are actually true. This was the case for me as my feelings of hatred towards Sebastian turned into some kind of warped affection – Marie was right, there was a fine line between love and hate and I walked it everyday.

I wished he'd leave. I longed to see him.

I needed to be with him. I wanted to be left alone.

Don't touch me. Touch me.

Don't leave me.

Be with me.

I have had nothing but time over these years to reflect on our maddening relationship and it is - it is madding. Sebastian has still not fully told me what he wants of me or why he keeps me but never the less, here I am, only here because he wants to 'own' me. He has done nothing but confuse me, treating me pleasantly only when he wants to – violently attacking me when he doesn't. He says he's frustrated but it that's the case then he should just leave me already but he won't, he never does.

"Young master, what are you thinking about?" He asks me drolly as we sit together in the back garden.

"I'm thinking about what I always think about Sebastian." I reply. He shifts his head on my lap, a position he takes whenever he joins me outside.

"And what is that?" He muses as he tilts his head upwards and closes his eyes. I look up and towards the sky, this conversation happens so often, it's like going through the motions.

"You know what I think about, it's the same thing I've been thinking about for the last five years."

"Five years? Has it been that long already?" He sounds mildly amused with himself but for life of me, I don't know why. I never know what he is thinking. "Ah well, tell me again." He insists.

"Why do you keep me?" I parrot as I've asked this so many times before.

"Young master, don't you know?" He smiles. This was a different response then the usual – what was he playing at this time? Well, I can play too.

"The only thing I can think of is that you want to possess me." He opens his eyes to see me staring down at him. "Well here I am, you have me."

"Don't tempt me my little lord." He grins.

"Tempt? How could I possibly do that?" I huff.

Reaching up, he grabs bow of my dress shirt and pulls me down to his face, our lips barely touching but I can feel the exhalation of air as he speaks to me.

"I do want to possess you." He growls.

"Why?"

"Because I love you." His voice is even and calm. I try and struggle out of his grip and he finally releases me and I slam back into the tree, causing the few leaves that had not fallen in autumn to come cascading down around us.

His words confuse me, they shake me and they enrage me.

This was the first time he ever said that he loved me.

"Love? You do nothing but torture and torment me – how is that love?"

"Because it is." He shrugs. I am not happy with that response in the slightest.

"No Sebastian, tell me how can you love me when all you want to do is own me?

"Oh but my little lord, isn't that the truest definition of love? To own someone? To possess them, control them and for them to belong to you and only you?" He pauses for a moment to regard my face. "Only humans have this simplistic, silly notion of hearts being set a flutter and happily ever afters. Will they kiss or won't they? That's what humans want to believe it is. It is an interesting concept but not one I subscribe to." He snorts. "I have been around forever and I can promise you this: true love isn't like that. It's morose and it's dark – it's ownership of one person above all others, to love someone so much that you'll die for them, that you would kill for them – to take another life, to stop a beating heart, because that person is yours alone you would do absolutely anything for them, that's not romantic. That type of love is cruel, vile and sadistic and that is the love I feel for you."

I don't know what to say.

His version of love is the same as mine – my twisted, maddening, all consuming version of love.

"I know that you must love me too." He smiles as he starts to move from my lap, sitting up right and facing me as I still remain firmly pressed against the trunk of the tree.

"I do not love you." I spit. He chuckles lightly as he touches his hand to my cheek.

"You're lying."

"I'm not!" I protest.

"You must be, our contract is still in place. Surely, even by now you realize it?" He smirks as he gently strokes my cheek. I did realize it, I knew all along, as that was what Marie had told me, in order to break the contract I had to become indifferent. "You already know that I can break the contract at any time."

"But you chose not to." I sigh as he nods.

"I want to own you, everything about you."

"But I can break the contract." I retort.

"You can't because you love me." He leans into me, his eyes never deviating from mine. "It's because of that love that keeps me here – I now have half of what I want." His voice is low and guttural and it sends shivers right through me.

"Only half?" I whisper. He is so close to me, his scent is so powerful and overwhelming – it's causing me to become dizzy.

"Yes, only half – now, I want the rest of you. I want to possess all of you."

It was now I realized that I had been played all along. Wearing me down and making me give up was another way of manipulating my feelings – slowly but surely, Sebastian was destroying me. He was wrecking me from the inside because he was right – I hate him so much that I love him.

He leans in and kisses me deeply.

I give up and I give into him.