Chapter 10. Worse than before.

Christmas day was a week and a half ago, and I got to open the present Anna gave me. Just as she said, the gift included the instructions for her plan, which is very cleaver I may add. It's a cellphone, not too expensive but not cheap either, and her plan is to keep texting each other at school while pretending everything is as always between us, so there's little to no chance to get caught.

I was hoping to see her again on vacation, but she said she was going with her parents to New York, to visit her grandmother and relatives, and wouldn't be coming back until the end of winter break. Anyways, at least I'm seeing her again today… even if I won't be able to directly talk to her.

Also, for Christmas I received an extraordinary large chocolate bar from Gerda, which was so good that, even if I didn't admit it to her, I finished it in less than a week, and I also got driving lessons from Kai. I opposed, not only because it'd mean unnecessary gasoline wasting, but also because I was quite nervous about accidentally crashing the car, which in the best of cases would provoke damage to the automobile and, in the worst, some injures to Kai. Kai was, however, very persistent and I couldn't bring myself to refuse, but fortunately, it all went well and now I can even get it moving without freaking out to much.

So here I am, driving the first and "easy" part of the road to school. I'm not gonna lie, my palms are sweating and my stomach is twisting in anxiety, but at least I know we'll soon be arriving to where Kai will take the wheel and I'll be able to relax.

When we finally switch, I can breathe again and even talk normally with Kai, who tells me about how he taught his son to drive many years ago, and how he was just as nervous as me… just with a lot more of enthusiasm. I apologize, of course, but he says that it's alright and that he understands that cars aren't the first thing on my mind right now. I nod politely and move to get out of the car, not before saying goodbye to him.

As I'm getting some stuff from my locker I get a text message from Anna.

'Are you already at school? I fell asleep XD'

I smile at this and answer:

'Yes, I am responsible you know?'

I kind of feel bad for teasing her, but I know she won't mind. I add a smiling face at the end to make it clear that I am just playing with her, though.

'Oh, stop it. I swear it's inhuman to wake someone up before eleven. I bet it was invented as a way of torture by the inquisition.'

I giggle softly, hiding my smile behind my hand and looking around to make sure no one noticed. Sometimes Anna can be over dramatic, but I like that of her… actually I like all of her, and she's the only one who's capable of making me smile, so that's another point.

I'm about to answer her when she sends me another text:

'Snow came. See you.'

I sigh. This is the part of her plan I won't be liking, but, I tell myself, it's only for a few more months, until summer break. Besides, I still get to see her on English, so that's good. And she won't bully me anymore. What else could I ask for?

It's gonna be a long day waiting to see Anna at English tomorrow, but I'm sure everything will be fine. It's already better than before anyways.

During classes I'm able to somewhat pay attention and even learn something, which I was unable to do before winter break, and I hope that it'll be enough to improve my grades a little bit before the school year end. It's probably because I'm not dwelling in self-hatred and utter sorrow anymore… at least not all the time. But when I'm not taking notes or berating myself over something, I'm mostly thinking about Anna, daydreaming about our future together, though most of the time my fantasies start with just a friendly relationship and end on a bed, with me blushing badly.

I can't help it when my pen starts drawing something at a loose paper sheet of my notebook, or maybe I should say someone. It's been a long time since the last time I draw because I wanted to, and not because I had to, perhaps seven years, but I'm not surprised when I manage to do my best work of art by the time my free hour finally comes: A beaming Anna, twin braids an all, even her adorable freckles captured with utmost detail, dressed like she was on our winter date… I mean… uh… friendly date?

More like an appointment. Why'd you call it a date? She's not even your friend, much less your date, and will never be. Why Anna, one of the most beautiful girls here, would ever want your depressing company?

Stop it. She says she's my friend and she even gave a cellphone so we can stay in touch. You don't have any arguments to say she doesn't like me, at least as a friend, so shut up.

I know I am right. You just wait.

Whatever, the point is that she's so beautiful and I'm glad I was able capture her in my drawing. I think I may have a natural talent.

Talent? You call that pathetic way of wasting your time a talent? Drawing is useless, just like you, pathetic excuse of a human.

I close my eyes as I try to get rid of that voice. I try to ignore it, but it's really hurtful, and it seems like my feelings were unlocked because of the time I spent with Anna, so the pain is worse. I sigh and open my eyes, still walking towards the cafeteria where I was hoping to find Anna and, at least, stare at her from the distance, but when I arrive and don't see her I take out my cellphone to text her. However, I stare at the screen not knowing what to say.

'Hey. I have one free hour, and I know you too. Where are you?'

I erase the whole text, frowning. It seems like something a stalker would say, and that I'm demanding her to see me. I fight to think on something better.

'Hi. I was thinking about you, but I wanted to see you in person. Where are you?'

Again, I erase it. It reveals my true feelings for her rather obviously, and to say that I want to see her like that could also be interpreted as something bad or serious happened, and I don't want to scare her.

'Hey, I just got some free time and thought about texting you. What are you doing?'

I still have my doubts, but I force myself to just press the send button and anxiously wait for her answer. After just a few seconds (that for me seem like minutes) I get her response.

'I was with Rapunzel, but she has class now.'

Another text comes just after the last one.

'Do you wanna meet me at the schoolyard? It's pretty cold outside, so I don't think anyone would be in there.'

I know that the original plan is to only text each other while at school, with no other interactions, but can't help to smile at the prospect of seeing her, and she's right about the schoolyard, so I answer her, typing furiously at the phone's keyboard, not wanting to wait even a second to see her.

'Sounds great. See you there.'

I put my phone back into my backpack and walk as fast as I can towards the meeting place without running, so I don't attract attention. When I arrive I see the whole surface completely covered by snow, without many footprints and totally empty of people. As Anna said, it's really cold, but I don't care so I stay in the middle of it waiting for Anna, trying to keep myself from trembling too much and rubbing my arms like crazy.

After less than one minute being there, however, I hear paces coming in my direction and I turn smiling, thinking it's Anna, but it's not her: it's Snow, and her wicked friends. Chills run though my spin, but I'm sure they're not from the cold. I quickly conceal my fear and pretend to realize I shouldn't be there and walk to the other exit, however, as I do it, one of them throws a snowball at the back of my head with so much strength that it makes me trip. I quickly regain my balance and rub the sore spot.

"Hey Ice Queen." I hear Snow's voice as I turn around. "After two weeks of winter break, aren't you going to say hi? Well, that's rude."

"Really rude." Ariel emphasizes.

"Didn't you miss us?" Aurora asks with that sweet voice of her that makes me want to throw up.

"No." I say before I can stop myself. I regret it a moment later when their expressions turn wicked, and I just want to run. Actually, why not running? Sure, I'd look like a coward, but does it matter? Whatever they want to do with me I'm sure it's not good.

"No?" Snow asks, apparently offended. "That hurts, Elsa, because we did miss you." She fakes a pained expression and her friends do the same. Seconds later, however, she smirks devilishly. "Who else could we torment, after all?" Another shudder, together with a dreading feeling, travels through my body.

Well, screw it! I won't stay here for them to bully me.

I turn around and start running, but before I'm able to take even five steps, another snowball hits my head, this time at my left side, making me stumble as my ear hurts badly. I however, know that if I stop it'll only be worse, so I keep trying to get out of here, but as another snowball hits me, this time on my back, I don't notice the snow-covered steps and fell on the ground. Of course, the powdery substance absorbs most of the impact, but I don't have gloves and my clothes are not appropriate for such weather, so the snow literally feels like thousands of needles piercing my skin. I try to get up, but instantly more snowballs are thrown towards me and, since there are four tormenters, they keep hitting me continuously and harder each time (I suspect because they're coming nearer) and all I can do is to curl up in the grown trying to protect my head from their attacks and close my eyes tightly, waiting for this torture to end.

I can hear their loud laughs, and the evil comments they make, like "What is it, Ice Queen? You can't take a little snow?" or "She's gonna be now as cold in the exterior as she in in the interior", as I feel the pain of the snow hitting my back and sides. I feel so terrified and vulnerable that I'm literally paralyzed, even if I don't want to admit it. I just wanna cry.

I don't understand why they're doing this, I mean, I know they love to bully me, but they'd never before gotten to this extreme… But not because they didn't want to; they couldn't because there was always too much people around, and I put myself in this vulnerable situation by voluntarily coming to this deserted place.

You deserve what they're doing to you if you didn't see this coming. You're stupid, how did you not know this was a dangerous situation?

I'm sorry, I just didn't think.

Of course, you never think, much less when Anna is involved.

"What are you doing?" I hear the concerned voice of the girl I was just thinking about. Instantly the snowballs stop hitting me and I'm able to look up just enough to see Anna standing in front of me, dressed in a brownish jacket that suits her nicely, holding two cups of coffee, one on each hand, and looking utterly shocked.

"Oh, Anna. Hi." Snow says relieved. Probably she'd thought they had been caught. "We were just having a little fun with the Ice Queen, care to join us?"

"Uh… I… actually I…" She stammers, unsure of what to answer.

I want to beg her to help me, to save me from her wicked "friends", but I know it'd be selfish, considering that, if I do so, we'd both be in a dangerous position, since our friendship would be discovered. She should just leave before something really bad happens.

Why don't you follow your own advice? You really should run now that they're distracted.

I try to stand up, but I feel a sharp pain on my ribs as I do so and hiss, falling to the ground again.

"Stay still." Cinderella says, and I assume she was the one who kicked me when I tried to escape. I don't dare to disobey, not when she presses the sharp tip of her heel against my back, making me bite my tongue to keep myself from whimpering.

"Uhm… I-I don't know, girls." Anna says. "I didn't bring my gloves and my hands would freeze. Actually, it's pretty cold here. Why don't you just leave Elsa alone and go inside with me?" She tries to keep them from hurting me further, which warms my heart, but I know it'll be useless.

"You became soft on vacation." Snow notices. "That's why I've always hated Christmas; so many good wishes and friendly intentions make me sick."

"I-I know, right?" Anna laughs nervously. "Uhm… But seriously, this cold is dangerous. You don't want to freeze Elsa to death, do you?" She half jokes.

"She's the Ice Queen. I bet that cold doesn't bother her." Aurora says, making them all laugh.

"Well, then if the cold doesn't bother her, what's the point on throwing her snowballs?" Anna, again, tries to convince them to leave me alone.

Endearing. And brave. It's useless, though.

"You're right." Snow says with a voice so evil that I'm pretty sure she's planning to murder me in the most painful way possible. "But hot must bother her, right?"

"Uh…"

"Anna, who are those coffees for?"

"I was searching for… Meg to drink them with her." I know she was really searching for me and that the coffee was for me. In other circumstances, I'd be very glad and thankful, but I this very moment, I wish she hadn't bought it, because now Snow has a villainous plan that involves coffee.

"Well, I'm sure she won't mind if we use it on the Ice Queen. And you can buy some more latter." She takes a step towards Anna and grabs one cup, even if the redhead took a little step back, which didn't prevent the wicked girl to get what she wanted.

"B-but…" Anna weakly tries to protest.

"What? Are you on this loser's side now?" Snow asks dangerously mad.

"Of course not." Anna tries to sound offended. "I was just hesitant about the coffee because I really need a hot beverage right now, but you're right; I can buy another one." Her voice sounds so cold and impersonal that for a moment I think her heart had literally frozen in an instant.

"Very well." Snow smirks and then turns to the others. "Sit her up."

In that moment the heel over my back disappears and three pairs of arms try to grab me, however, I still oppose in one last pathetic attempt to escape a fate that has already been sealed. My weak limbs, numbed by the cold, can do nothing against them, and I don't dare to ask for help because there's a knot on my throat, and the moment I open my mouth I'll end up crying pathetically. After a few seconds of pointless resistance, they manage to get me on my knees, facing Anna and Snow, who somehow manages to make a simple cup of coffee look incredibly threating. Resigned to what will happen, I cast down my eyes and fight to keep a neutral expression, not showing the fear, the sadness and the anger that's consuming my interior.

"Take this as our Christmas gift." Snow says. "Hopefully it will make you warm up a bit, Ice Queen."

As she says the last part, she takes a couple of steps towards me and, once she's close enough, she holds the cup just above my head. I'm breathing hard, my heat thumping in anticipation and my stomach twisting in a painful way; I'm really anxious and all I want to do is disappear, since I know exactly what she's going to do even before the hot drops of dark liquid land on my head.

I fight back a scream when the burning sensation, intensified by the coldness of my skin, spreads all over my scalp, face, back and shoulders. It's too hot, so much that I'm sure no one would've even dared to drink it, and it hurts pretty badly; it's actually the worst physical pain I've experienced so far, and if it's very difficult to keep my tears from falling and my mouth from screaming in agony, it's impossible to remain expressionless, and my face clearly shows the pain I'm going through, even though I did my greatest effort.

What hurts most, though, is that Anna isn't moving a single finger to help me. She is just standing there, watching how I am humiliated and hurt without even saying a word in my defense. I know it's selfish to want her to do it but… we're supposed to be friends, right? Doesn't friends normally stand up for each other?

She isn't your friend. She doesn't care about you.

No, I can't believe that. We're friends, she just is too afraid of Snow to defend me... I guess.

When the cup is finally completely poured over me and only drops are falling from my hair, I can't help the sigh of relief that makes its way through my lips, and even my tensed muscles, still unconsciously fighting against my captors, loosen up a bit. I'm glad they don't have another one… wait.

"Your turn." Snow says turning to Anna.

"Wait what?!" Anna exclaims taking a step back. "But I…"

"Come on Anna, do it! It'll be fun." Aurora says.

"Yes, don't be a killjoy!" Ariel agrees and soon all of her friends are insisting her to do it.

It was doomed to happen the moment she arrived with those cups of coffee. It couldn't have been otherwise. It doesn't really surprises me when, walking towards me, she says with the most unlike-Anna voice I've ever heard:

"Alright, I missed bulling her after all."

It doesn't hurt any less to hear it though. And this time, the anxiety, the fear and the pain, combined with the betrayal, are tens… no… thousands of times worse than before. This time, as the drops slowly soak my hair, my face and clothes, they feel like acid, and not because there's real pain (the first cup felt a lot hotter because my skin was terribly cold, and now it's warm because of the previous torture). No, what hurts me isn't per say the beverage, but rather who is pouring it on me.

Sadness and betrayal have won the battle against pain and fury, and it's all so much that a tear falls from one of my eyes before I can regain composure again, but it thankfully mixes with the coffee and no one notices. It all is just too much… I love Anna as I've never loved anyone before, and after what happened during winter break I thought she really cared for me too. Now I know I was wrong; whatever the circumstances were, I know for sure I could never make something like that to Anna because my love for her keeps me from harming her in any way; I'd better sacrifice myself in order to spare her from any kind of suffering, but apparently she just doesn't care enough.

You're just saying that because you're selfish and you know it. Anna didn't have a choice; it was either you or her, and let's be honest, why would she sacrifice herself for you?

My heart breaks at the hurtful words of the other voice and I wish for it all to end soon, before I can't contain my sobs anymore.

Finally, they release me and I land in the cold floor with a thump, not caring for the cold or the pain I feel as I lay on the ground. My body doesn't answer me and my eyes remain fixed on the snow. Suddenly I find that I don't care anymore about what's happening around me; the only thing on my mind is that my dreams were broken. I thought I could have a perfect friendship with Anna, that she'd always be kind to me, just like she was during vacation, that we could make this work and that, eventually, she'd even fall for me, just as I'd fell for her. But no. My wishes just don't ever come true, and my plans never go as planned. The best idea turns into the worst decision.

I thought I was at the bottom of the well and that I could only go up, so I took the chance when Anna offered it to me, but now I see that, what I believed was the bottom, was really just a ledge, and I was barely holding into it. When she showed me a way out, it only gave me false hope, and I could barely see the light of the wellhead when I thought I saw the sun. It turns out, now that I've fallen because of her failed attempts to pull me out, the darkness seems a whole lot deeper and scarier, and I can barely bear being down here, not when I've seen the possibility of something better so close that it was practically within the reach of my hand… or at least it seemed so. Now I know such happiness was never meant for me.

Finally, my body gets over the shock and pained whines scape from my throat as I shake because of the sobs, not the cold. It feels just so bad, terrible, horrible, like one of the worst things that have ever happened to me, and I find out that I don't care if someone is seeing me in this state. I don't fucking care about anything anymore.

In that moment, I hear my cellphone ringing, and I force myself to reach for it, since I know it's from Anna and, despite what she just did to me, I can't bring myself to ignore her. I open her message and read it.

'OMG! Elsa, I'm so sorry, I know that was really wrong, but I didn't know what else to do. Please forgive me? I swear I didn't want to hurt you.'

I read it a few times before finally understanding the words despite my tears and sobs and I force myself to calm down in order to text her a response, even if it's one of the most difficult things I've done.

I then think on my answer and sigh. I couldn't be mad at her even if I wanted to, so I find myself writing:

'Don't worry. It's fine'

I press the send button and hurriedly toss my phone back into the backpack before a new incontrollable wave of sobs hits me again. And I stay there, lying on the snow, over a puddle of half-frozen coffee, crying my lungs out. The definition of pathetic. No wonder why no one could never love me enough.