100 days of Tony Stark Madness
Chapter 10
A/N: Why hello there peanut gallery! I hope you haven't started rioting yet because here it is! It has been a crazy couple weeks of school and I finally finished writing this chapter – super long just for you lovely people! 11,000 WORDS GUYS!
Day 28: Barrel of monkeys (Some of you should understand this reference…the rest of you don't review and don't talk to me so you're missing out on awesome conversations guys!)
"Tony your invention is-" Rhodey started to say.
"Amazing?" Tony asked leaning against the wall and pushing his cheesy sunglasses over the bridge of his nose. Rhodey shook his head slowly.
"Not exactly-"
"Ingenious?"
"You are a genius yes but-"
"Out of this world brilliant?"
"It's too silly to be used in combat."
Silence.
People have called his inventions a lot of things...but never has anyone ever called them...silly. His forgotten sunglasses slide down his nose as his mouth fell open.
"Wah?" was his brilliant articulate response.
"An exploding barrel of robotic monkeys is not something the military is willing to endorse," Rhodey said frankly.
"But it can level a 5 mile radius in less than 30 seconds!" Tony exclaimed. His friend gave him a long look.
"It's not a weapon Tony - it's a goddamn life size toy that can paralyze everyone in the immediate vicinity," Rhodey said dryly.
"But it works damn it!" Tony said flailing his arms around in outrage.
"Call me when you create a real weapon Stark," Rhodey said with a shake of his head.
Hysterical sobbing was heard from inside the hollow barrel.
"Look you made them cry!" Tony said accusingly. Rhodey dragged his hands over his face and walked away.
"Honestly...barrel of monkeys...what is he? Four? How much damage could they possibly do?" Rhodey mumbled as he left the eccentric genius' lab. Tony looked at his monkeys with an apologetic look on his face.
"Don't worry guys! We'll be together forever!"
Half an hour later.
The entire Avengers team crowded around the barrel of monkeys - and Tony.
"Come on Stark! You can't hide in there with the monkeys forever!" Steve said knocking on the closed barrel.
"Yes I can! I'll just order all my food off eBay!" Tony shouted from inside the barrel.
"How will you go to the washroom huh?" Clint asked defiantly.
Silence.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
"What is he doing...?" Natasha asked warily.
"I'm building a porta potty - duh!" Tony said - they could practically see him roll his eyes.
"Stark!" They shouted in unison.
"Go away! Let us sulk in peace!" Tony shouted back as his voice seemed to move father away...how big was this thing?
BRUM! BRUM!
The team froze.
"How did he fit a freaking chainsaw in there?" Bruce asked in disbelief.
"Vive la résistance!" Tony shouted in response.
"That has no context Tony!'' Steve said banging his head against the barrel.
"Bite me!"
"If you don't come out we're coming in there!" Steve threatened. Some angry screeching was heard from within the wooden walls of the barrel. The resident monkeys were extremely outraged.
"How dare you suggest such an atrocity? You want to violate the sacred laws of the barrel?" Tony asked in genuine shock. Steve and Thor looked at each other with matching unimpressed looks. Thor moved to hold down the barrel as Steve tried to yank the lid off - he only managed to lift it an inch.
"You asked for it," Tony said simply. Suddenly a little miniature monkey bot flew out of the barrel and latched onto the Captain's face. He blinked.
5
4
3
2
1
Poof.
"AHHH MY EYEBROWS! YOU BURNED OFF MY EYEBROWS!" Steve yelped flailing his arms as he fell crashed to the floor and away from the barrel.
"HA! Who wants to try and come in here next?" Tony asked arrogantly. The rest of the team shared a blank look.
"Tip them over?" Clint suggested. They all nodded and started pushing the barrel over the edge of the staircase.
"Wait guys! You don't want to-" Tony started to say before the barrel hit the floor.
Too late.
CRASH!
"Oh."
"My."
"God."
Somewhere off in the middle of nowhere an overworked agent just got a report that made every person in the room do a double take.
What?
"Renner status report," Fury said sweeping into the room with his long coat whipping behind him. The agent rolled his eyes - so dramatic.
"Downtown Manhattan has been closed off Sir. There is no way in besides unauthorized air travel," he said cautiously.
"What's going on?" Fury asked peering over the agents shoulder.
"The military has issued a national crisis." the agent said reading through the update.
"Is it on the news?" Fury asked slowly. The agent nodded.
"Yes sir."
"Then what are you waiting for? A written invitation? Pull it up on the screen!" Fury said impatiently. Agent Renner threw a paper wad at the snoozing agent in charge of external communications. The formerly unconscious agent jumped up and frantically looked around.
"I didn't do!" he squeaked. Everyone pointed to the screen.
"News."
He turned bright red from being caught dozing off on duty and rushed to bring the news channel up for everyone to see. Suddenly there was a cowering news reporter peeking over the edge of an overturned table in a chaotic office room in front of them.
"You better cancel or postpone all your plans in the big apple today folks! It appears that the entire downtown streets of Manhattan have been flooded with hundreds of red robomonkeys! And they seem to be multiplying at rapid speeds!" the reporter shouted over the rumbling noise behind him.
"Oh shit they're almost here! Cut the tape! Cut the tape!" the reporter said hurriedly as they started running with the shaky camera. The screen froze on the last scene the camera captured...hundreds of robomonkeys running towards the poor news team from all different directions in a massive red tsunami.
Cricket...cricket...cricket...
"Where is he?" Fury deadpanned.
"He's currently in the epicenter of the flood sir," agent Renner replied dryly.
"And that is?" Fury asked already knowing the answer.
"In a broken barrel at the top of Avengers Tower Sir."
"Wait that is his barrel of monkeys weapon?" Fury asked in disbelief.
"Yes Sir."
27 hours later.
"Stark...you're an idiot," Fury said blankly - there was nothing else to say.
"I'm not the one who set off the weapon!" Tony said in defense of his monkeys. Fury gave him a withering look.
"I don't care! It's not even a wea-" Fury started to say but Tony cut him off by pointing towards the few people who were still being held hostage by his rampaging monkeys.
"THAT'S IT! CONFISCATED!" Fury shouted irritably - he could feel that stark induced headache coming on. Ugh - those were the worst.
"YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER! YOU CAN'T TAKE MY MONKEYS AWAY FROM MEEEE!" Tony exclaimed in disbelief.
A black SHIELD car door slammed in Tony's face with the last of his buddies. SHIELD had managed to round up all the robomonkeys in less than 12 hours. The military basically sat there and looked pretty while the big guys took care of their resident genius' mess.
"Watch me," Fury said with one last glare towards Stark before he disappeared into one of the sleek cars. Stark watched them all speed away with his mouth hanging open - that's it?
"They will be avenged!" Tony shouted after the cars shaking his right fist in the air. The Avengers merely watched the entire scene in silence. They were far too exhausted to pay the madman any attention at the moment. Tony pouted at the lack of response from his team and stomped away in the opposite direction.
"He's giving up right?" Clint asked hopefully.
"JARVIS prepare the boat!" Tony shouted into his phone.
Clint's face fell so fast he must have had whiplash.
2 hours later.
The entire sleep deprived team found themselves sitting on Liberty Island. They all tiredly watched as Stark defiantly sat on top of the Statue of Liberty with his little protest picket resting against his shoulder.
"Ready to go home yet Stark?" Steve asked tiredly from the bottom of the little hill. He had bought a baseball cap from a random tourist shop on the ride here to hide his forehead…and his lack of brows.
"No, I'm not done protesting my rights yet!" Tony shouted back from his spot onto top of the liberty crown.
"Dude...you built a machine that flooded New York with robot monkeys - you've lost your rights a long time ago," Bruce said blankly.
"What kind of justice seeking superheroes are you?" Tony asked incredulously - his voice amplified by his iron man suit.
"THE EXHAUSTED KIND!" they shouted back. Tony scoffed and was about to reply when they he noticed a handful of twinkling lights approaching the island at rapid speed.
"Hey guys...? Are you seeing what I'm seeing?" he asked slowly.
"You're the one sitting on a 50 foot high statue Stark," Clint mumbled irritably - he wanted to freaking sleep damn it!
Suddenly the blinking object flew closer and Tony could finally make out what they were.
Aw shit.
There were at least 20 SWAT helicopters surrounding the top of the statue within seconds.
"Tony Stark - remove yourself from the status of liberty immediately!" an officer shouted through a megaphone.
"Aw come on! Does no one bother to call me Iron Man anymore?" Tony asked in genuine disbelief.
One hundred echoing clicks was their response.
The team groaned as Tony stared down the countless number of firearms pointed at his suit. Well, that changes things.
"Alright sheesh! Don't need to get your uncomfortable itchy ugly plaid army issued boxers in a twist!" Tony muttered to himself as he cautiously stared at the blank military faces.
"You are breaking countless state laws at the moment!" The officer continued.
"Listen SWAT dude...I do that every day," Tony said dryly.
"I highly doubt that even you, Mr. Stark can cause a national crisis to erupt on a daily basis."
"Actually it's only a municipal cri-"
BANG!
The forgotten team of technically his accomplices snickered on the ground as Stark got knocked over the liberty crown by the missile impact. He hit the symbolic torch held in her Excellency's right hand and they all watched in horror as a small piece chipped off and crumbled to the ground.
Gasp.
"Does that count as a terrorist attack on the United States of America?" Thor whispered to Steve. The captain did an epic face-palm.
"Don't go there Thor," Steve said simply.
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" Tony shouted as he hung from the statue's arm while he tried to get his thrusters working.
"Sargent Johansson!" the officer said turning around and staring at the soldier to his left in disbelief.
"My finger slipped sir," She said with a shrug.
"Wow...she is such a badass..." Clint said in awe. Natasha's eye twitched. Bruce and Steve shared a knowing look.
"Bad move wedded hawk...bad move..." Thor rumbled quietly beside them.
"Huh?" Clint asked turning around and finally noticed the death glare his lovely wife was giving him. He instantly paled.
WHACK!
The next thing Clint knew he was dizzily stared up at the starry sky as he vaguely watched a fiery redhead stomp away from the scene. Bruce whistled quietly beside the fallen archer.
"Man, am I glad I'm not married," Bruce said frankly.
"Amen to that," Steve said shaking his head sadly at the pair of married spies.
Day 29: Tiny heads equal tinier brains
"Get up, Rogers we have an important crisis to deal with!" Tony yelled frantically bursting into the sleeping Captain's room. Steve sleepily looked up at the overexcited genius.
"Do you mean crisis as in, Thor is mesmerized by the My Little Pony show once again and won't let you near the TV without growling at you?" Steve asked warily. Tony opened his mouth to negate that answer when he finally got a good look at the Captain's tired face. His mouth nearly hit the floor and the rest of his body with it.
"WHAT IS THAT?" he shouted pointing an incriminating finger at the Cap's face. Steve gave him a bewildered look.
"What? What do you mean?" Steve asked worriedly glancing around.
"ON YOUR FACE!" Tony shouted in shock. Steve frantically patted his face down. He didn't feel anything different...
"What are you talking about Stark?" Steve asked thoroughly confused. Tony looked ready to explode...with laughter.
"IT'S A MONSTER CATERPILLAR!" he screamed before he fell to the floor and started rolling on the ground in laughter. Steve froze and his hands shot up to his forehead.
"...What's the big deal?" he asked slowly feeling his newly grown back eyebrows from the robomonkey explosion. Tony had tears streaming down his face.
"Cap - y-y-y-ou have a-a- FUZZY UNI-BROW!" He gasped through his bouts of laughter. Steve paled and literally ran to his washroom.
5 seconds later.
"HOLY SHIT!" was heard echoing through the room followed by a noisy crash.
Tony started laughing even harder.
When the Captain swore - you knew it was bad.
10 minutes of laughing later.
"Stark I told you to ge- What. Did. You. Do?" Bruce asked as he froze in the doorway leading into the Captain's bedroom. There was a hysterically laughing Tony and a traumatized Steve sitting on the ground in front of him...with a fuzzy uni-brow.
"I-I-I-t wasn't me! AHAHAHA! His super serum did that!" Tony gasped as he rolled on the floor. Bruce gave the Captain a sympathetic look.
"We'll help you with your...condition later. Right now we have a crisis to deal with," Bruce said seriously. That snapped Steve out of his catatonic state - when Bruce was serious it meant something.
"What's wrong, Doctor?" He asked worriedly. When the world needs heroes...don't judge them by their appearance - it's all about heart.
"Thor was gifted a golden chain by someone from his realm yesterday. And now he has been cursed and it won't come off," Bruce explained. Steve's face went blank.
"What?"
"Oh my god, it's even better than your eyebrows, Cap!" Tony exclaimed before he was laughing all over again.
"You'll need to see it to understand - come on," Bruce said as he gestured towards the common room. They all jumped when they heard the loud crash.
Now that he thought about it...he could hear a serious riot going on in there.
"Freaking do something Clint! If his head gets any smaller there will be nothing left!" Natasha's voice could be heard over all the noise.
The 3 Avengers rushed into the common room and stared at the scene in front of them. Clint had his arms wrapped around the practically headless body of a demi-god while Natasha desperately tried to break a thick chain wrapped around the poor hammer wielder's neck.
"My friends! My friends!" Thor's miniaturized head squeaked like a little chiwawa.
"He's got a tiny head!" Steve exclaimed pointing a shaky finger at the unfortunate Asgardian.
"Thank you, Captain obvious. What took yo- what the heck is wrong with your face?" Clint asked bewilderedly - accidentally letting Thor out of his grasp. They all winced when Thor crashed into Natasha and they both slammed into the floor.
Oomph!
They all stared at Thor in horror. His shrunken skull now made him level with Natasha's...bosom. His ears got redder and redder to the point it looked like his tiny head might just explode from all the pressure the longer he had his head stuck to her chest.
Click.
"Get. Off. Of. ME!" Natasha shrieked. Thor's unproportional head squeak and he scrambled to get as far away from the practically fire breathing woman as possible.
"I apologize Lady Natasha! I did not mean to fall on your-" Thor squeaky voice started to squeak at unbearable decibels. It was like dragging your nails down a chalk board - while a full our cat and dog war was being waged on the side.
BANG!
They all froze as they fearfully looked at the gap between Thor's little hairs on his head.
"Say one more word in your annoying squeaky voice and I will blow your tiny head off! Understood?" Natasha said darkly. The creepy aura around her from the kidnapping incident was back. Oh dear god.
No one dared say a single word...expect the masochist.
"Does this mean we can never say the word boo-" Natasha whipped her gun at the genius so fast they didn't even see it leave her hand.
WHACK!
The gun ricocheted off Tony's face and came right back to her hand. It was like a boomerang.
"How did she do that?" Steve whispered in disbelief to Clint. Clint shook his head shakily.
"I don't know, Cap! I don't really want to find out the logistics behind it either," he replied nervously.
"OI! THAT FREAKING HURTS!" Tony wailed as he held his abused forehead. They all cowered when Natasha shook her gun at them threateningly.
"Say something! I dare you!" She said dangerously.
Not even Stark was that big of a masochist.
"I don't really want to be at the mercy of your flying guns…but who did that to Thor?" Steve asked cautiously. Natasha gave him a burning glare but her gun remained in her hand. He sighed in relief.
They all shot Thor a nervous look.
"Well…you see…we can't exactly say the guilty party's name because Thor doesn't really have much of a head left," Clint said slowly. Steve gave him a confused look.
"What? That doesn't make any sense," Steve said with a puzzled look on his face. Tony rolled his eyes.
"Thor's head gets smaller every time you say the name Lo-" Tony started to say when everyone interrupted him in horror.
"DON'T SAY THE NAME!" everyone shouted in unison.
"Fear of the name only increases the fear of the thing itself," Bruce mumbled in the corner.
"Who are you? Hermione freaking Granger?" Clint asked in disbelief. Bruce scowled.
"Doesn't mean it's not true!" he said defensively. Tony rolled his eyes beside the two glaring avengers.
"You're such a pothead Bruce," Tony said with a shake of his head.
"It's called potterhead!" Bruce shouted defiantly flailing his arms in frustration.
Silence.
"I did not just out myself as a fan of a little children's novel," Bruce said blankly.
"You got the hots for the pots man," Tony said in disappointment. Before Bruce could defend his potter soul something suddenly crashed through the window. They all jumped in surprise and Steve slowly picked up the object curiously.
"It's a message in a bottle," he said in confusion. All the avengers gathered around the Captain – they left a wide gap to let Thor's tiny head into the circle as well. Steve slid the piece of rolled up paper out of the bottle and unraveled it before he read the message out loud.
"Hello mighty Avengers who are not so mighty today. The golden chain will come off as soon at all the Avengers do a Macarena line in front of the Avengers Tower in full view of the public. Ciao!" the message said in bright hot pink penmanship with a winky face at the bottom. The team all shared a disturbed look when they read the name the pink penmanship belonged to. Tony was naturally the first one to break the awkward silence.
"Your brother may be a seriously evil genius…but he's weird man!" Tony said with a shake of his head.
No one argued with the truth.
"Let us lay down our prides for the sake of one of our own men!" Steve declared bravely.
Stink eye.
Stink eye.
"And Natasha." Steve added quickly. The entire team stared at the Captain warily.
"Do you even know how to do the Macarena Captain?" Clint asked slowly. Steve looked insulted and took a dance pose.
"Of course! It was part of my SHIELD rehabilitation into the future training!" Steve declared.
The team froze in shock. Natasha couldn't look.
"JARVIS! I know we've had our differences on the merits of technology over the last year – but we always agree on music! Play the song!" Steve shouted to the ceiling.
The Macarena song started playing.
"How did you hijack the most brilliant Al in the world?" Tony asked incredulously as they watched the Captain find his rhythm dancing to the song.
'Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena
Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria why cosa buena
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena
Heeeeeeeeey! Macarena!'
Steve was performing the hand motions flawlessly. But seriously...it's not that hard. The Avengers were shocked nonetheless.
"You know what? He's actually pretty good…" Clint said sounding surprised.
"Wish I could watch Loki do this," Bruce said with a sigh. Everyone froze – including the dancing Captain.
Oh no he didn't.
"AHHHH!" Thor shouted as his head suddenly shrunk once more to the size of a baseball. A BASEBALL!
Yes he did.
"We should probably save Thor from shrinking into oblivion – and watch Steve embarrass himself later," Tony said warily. Steve sputtered.
"Hey!" he exclaimed.
"Someone call Maria Hill!" Clint shouted over his shoulder as he searched for something around the common room.
"Why do we need her?" Natasha asked in confusion.
"To watch if Thor's head will grow back to normal size or not while we're out on the street! We can't take him out there looking like that!" Clint said and he started rummaging through their joint Avengers closet. Bruce shrugged and dialed agent Hill's emergency number.
"What are you searching for?" Steve asked curiously.
"Aha!" Clint said with an accomplished look on his face. "I found them! I knew they were in here somewhere!" he said evilly.
The rest of the Avengers team behind him groaned.
10 minutes later.
5 individuals with massive sombrero hats filed onto the side walk in front of Avengers Tower. One of them had a little switch in his hand that he flipped on when all 5 sombrero wearing people froze with their hands out. People stopped walking when they noticed the 5 street performers…were actually the famous Avengers themselves. First drag now this? What was the superhero community coming to?
Music started blasting from who knows where and the 5 superheroes started doing...the Macarena. The public gasped.
"Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena!
Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria why cosa buena.
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena.
Heeeeeeeeey! Macarena!' They all sung along with the music...even though some of them were clearly tone-deaf.
"Stark you can't sing for shit!" Clint shouted as they continued to dance to the song.
"You aren't much better Legolas! You miss the right notes every single time!" Tony shouted back.
"Is his head getting any bigger?" Natasha shouted up at the first floor. Agent Hill glanced behind her.
"You feel any different big guy?" she asked warily. Thor shook his head sadly.
"It is not working Lady Hill," he said sorrowfully. She looked at the chain with a puzzled look on her face.
"How did you put it on anyway?" she asked curiously.
"Like any normal chain. There's a little hook-" Thor suddenly froze in his sentence as the horrifying realization sank in. Agent Hill would have done an epic face palm - but she was too mature to act so immature. Don't mess with her logic - she has access to all your important files.
"Did you try unhooking the chain?" she asked slowly. Thor hung his tiny head in defeat.
The silence was deafening.
The shame on his face was telling.
The sight on the street was the ultimate damning proof.
These were platinum level idiots.
"You people are something else. Your brother knows you all so well," agent Hill said, shaking her head as she walked up to the nearly headless demi-god and effortlessly unhooked the little chain. His head inflated back to its normal size with a loud whoopee cushion sound. Whoosh. His face was still overtaken by shame though.
"We'll tell them their valiant demonstration of team sacrifice worked alright?" she said trying to make him feel better. Thor sighed.
"I suppose so. Otherwise Tony and Clint may go on another rampage to get into Asgard prison and beat my brother into the ground once again." Thor said frankly. Agent Hill paused – she did not expect to hear that response.
"Have they succeeded in getting into Asgard at all?" she asked warily. Thor shrugged.
"Not yet – but they have an endless list of ideas on how to open the portal without alerting SHIELD," he replied. She nodded slowly – she learned to take these things one headache at a time. For now – they had free entertainment to enjoy. She glanced down at the Macarena team still dancing to their song with a gigantic crowd forming around them.
"I say we let them continue the dance for a little longer - we might just get to watch it on the 6 o'clock news tonight," she said feeling evil today.
Day 30: How to get rid of an annoying genius
"The CIA has been a pain once again and is hiding another 'top secret' intelligence program that they are coincidentally running through a branch in New York," Fury explained to the 5 avengers standing in front of him. More like 4 since Thor was practically catatonic after the first half hour of spy jargon being thrown around like a potato.
"So what's this follow up meeting for exactly? Barton and I have it covered - it's a simple infiltration and intelligence collecting mission," Natasha said sounding a little miffed that they were getting such a vigorous debrief when they were such senior agents. Fury gave her a look.
"Simple but critical. This mission must be a success and the most important goal is to stay off the CIA radar," he said slowly. They all stared at him blankly. No one was getting his point - what it is with secret spy bosses and their need to be so damn cryptic?
"If this is agent Barton and agent Romanoff's mission why are we here Sir?" Steve asked cautiously. Fury gave him an are-you-so-stupid-you-can't-understand-my-super-spy-talk? Look.
"The real question is who is not here at this meeting?" Fury said giving them a knowing look. Realized literally smacked Clint in the face.
"Oh. Oh! Well...that makes sense," Clint said nodding his head. The rest of them were still utterly lost.
Thor's hand shot up. Fury raised an eyebrow but chose not to comment.
"Oh! Oh! I have an important question!" Thor boomed.
"What is your question Thor?" Fury asked warily.
"Can you please stop using such big words and implications - it is very hard to understand you when you do that. Just tell us who on earth you are talking about!" Thor said pleadingly.
"That's not really a question," Clint whispered to Natasha. She simply rolled her eyes.
"We are talking about Tony Stark, Avengers! He is destructive, he is childish, he is impulsive, he is annoying, he has broken hundreds of laws - likely several a day, he is on the news 24/7 and he is a right pain in my-" Fury was on a roll - but they didn't have time to bond over the ridiculousness of their resident eccentric billionaire.
"We get the idea," Clint said dryly interrupting the director's explanation turned rant. Fury coughed and quickly turned back into professional director who did not just look like he was going to explode like an over stressed balloon.
"Ahem. Anyway, Stark cannot be anywhere within 20 miles of this lovely metropolis of the United States. Preferably not on U.S soil at all," Fury said wistfully imagining a world without the man who has been a thorn in his side for the past 2 years.
They all looked at each other - like that's going to happen.
"He lives here sir. And he never does what you tell him to do anyway," Steve pointed out cautiously.
"I don't care. Get him out of the city - doesn't matter how and doesn't matter whether it's legal or not - just do it," he said and with one last withering glare he swept out of the room once again and dramatic slammed the door shut behind him.
"He did it again!" Thor said in disbelief. Bruce patted him on the back.
"Just let it go Thor - he's a lost cause," Bruce said reassuringly.
"So...does anyone have any ideas?" Bruce asked warily. They all looked at each other for any volunteers. Steve hesitantly raised his hand.
"I might have an idea..." he said with an uncharacteristic gleam in his eye.
The next day.
Tony rolled over in his bed and tried to snuggle into his blankets...except he didn't feel any blankets. He fumbled around for his pillow with his eyes still closed and didn't find a pillow either. That was strange…his bed was usually full of pillows and a Pepper. He also wondered vaguely why his back was hurting so much...
Suddenly the high pitch squeal of a whistle rang through the air and caused the uncomfortable genius to jump and accidentally tumble out of his bed. He didn't immediately hit the ground because he was falling from 8 feet above the floor.
"WHAT THE HELL?" Tony shouted as he rolled himself over and drowsily looked up at the tall bare bunk bed he just fell from.
"Why is there a bunk bed in my room?" he asked still half asleep. He pushed himself up into a sitting position and winced.
Crack.
"Aw my back!" he groaned. He squinted as he looked around and came face to face with the strict face of an older man dressed in a pristine army uniform. He did a double take.
"AHHH WHY IS THERE A CREEPY ARMY DUDE IN MY ROOM?" he shouted shuffling a few meters away from the startling figure. The officer's face never changed at all.
"GOOD MORNING CADET! WELCOME TO DAY ONE OF FTMOTC!" the army officer shouted in his face.
"WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?" Tony asked frantically glancing around and finally realizing he was not in Avengers Tower anymore. His eye twitched as this realization sunk in.
Someone is going to die.
Potentially 5 someones.
"IT STANDS FOR FAST TRACK MILITARY OPERATIONS TRAINING CAMP! I AM YOUR DRILL OFFICER AND YOU ARE AS OF RIGHT NOW 7 MINUTES LATE FOR MORNING WARM UPS!" the officer continued to shout at him and some spit smacked him right in the face - but he didn't notice because he was too busy trying to comprehend what the old man just said.
"I'M AT BOOT CAMP?" he shrieked.
30 minutes later.
Tony burst into the mess hall with half his uniform not properly on his body and an enraged expression on his face. He was covered in mud, pieces of barb wire and a worm was taking residence in his hair.
He was not a happy solider.
He wasn't a freaking solider at all.
"WHERE ARE YOU, YOU SICK 40's BASTARD?" Tony bellowed into the room. He stomped down the rows of benches and stared the entire straight laced soldier population down. They all looked carbon copies of each other - from the haircut right down to the squeaky clean boots!
He could only handle one righteous soldier in his life - and only in moderation.
"Should we get security Sir?" one of the officers asked the General. He shook his head.
"No - this I want to see," he replied.
Stark whipped around when he noticed a pairs of boots poking out from under the food counter. He angrily flipped the table over and three matching sets of guilty faces looked up at him.
"Damn it, Thor you gave us away!" Steve shouted. Thor shrugged and stuffed another bread roll in his mouth.
"We would be running for our lives eventually anyway," he said simply.
"I will strangle each one of you with my bare hands..." Tony started darkly. Suddenly a large shadow loomed over the billionaire's shoulder - the 3 avengers on the floor paled. Thor stuffed his face faster.
"That's quite enough cadet. You've caused enough of a scene today. This is a military base -not a drama production. Please remove yourself from the facility and go clean up - you're a mess," a strong but calm voice spoke from behind him. Tony's eye twitched. If one more person tried to tell him what to do today...
Tony angrily spun around to face the man who dares to interrupt his righteous speech of fury.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM MISTER...G-g-g-gen..eral..." Tony trailed off pathetically as he looked up at the imposing figure of the most important man in the room. He gulped.
"Yes we know who you are - but here names don't matter. Either you survive through training or you never go home. Life is simple here. Good luck Mr. Stark - I look forward to seeing how long you stay here with us on our humble island," the General said disregarding the insubordination. He simply nodded at the frozen Avenger and strode out of the mess hall with a presence that demanded obedience. Psh well to hell with that! Tony Stark follows no one! He takes orders from no one! He was afraid of no one!
And yet there he stood shaking in his beat up muddy little boots.
As his fear subsided the words the General said suddenly caught up with his head. His mouth fell open in disbelief.
"DID HE JUST SAY AN ISLAND?" he shouted. The entire room winced from the sheer volume of his shriek.
"Can someone please get a muzzle for that guy?" a random cadet asked as he rubbed his abused ear. Tony paused in his dramatic expression of his shock and slowly turned towards the 3 guilty Avengers that dragged him onto this godforsaken island. Everyone held their breath as they waited to see what was about to happen next.
"You…" Tony said with murder in his eyes. The trio of Avengers gulped.
"This is the time we run now comrades!" Thor shouted as he dashed out the door. Bruce and Steve scrambled to follow with an enraged Stark hot on their trail.
"COME BACK HERE YOU PIECES OF DEAD MEAT!" Tony shouted as he ran after the fleeing pack of his mutinous teammates.
"WE'RE ALL MAROONED HERE FOR A WEEK!" Steve shouted as they ran down the beach. Tony took off his shoe and whipped it at the Captain's head.
"THAT GIVES ME 7 DAYS TO MURDER YOU ALL!" Tony screeched. They ran quicker down the beach and everyone consecutively slammed into each other when Thor suddenly stopped running.
"Thor why did you sto- oh for God's sake!" Steve groaned. Bruce and Tony peeked over their shoulder and suddenly all the colour drained from their faces. There was an angry herd of ostriches staring right at them looking ready to charge.
"Nice birdies…" Thor said slowly raising his hands and taking a few cautious steps backwards.
"SQUUUUUUACK!" A lone ostrich screeched and charged towards the Avengers that looked like deer caught in headlights. They all hightailed it out of there in the opposite direction as the stamped of ostriches rushed forward.
"IT'S THE TIKI MADNESS ALL OVER AGAIN!" Tony shrieked as they ran for their lives.
A couple of hours later.
Tony was sitting in the mess hall once more – without making a scene this time. He was staring at his dinner…that was moving across his plate. He poked the wiggly tofu-like substance.
"Is this supposed to be eatable or are they trying to kill us off with food poisoning?" Tony asked as he made a face when his tofu square tipped over as it wobbled. Bruce shrugged and took a sip of his flavourless coffee.
"No one said you had to eat it," Bruce said simply. Tony scowled at him.
"Not everyone can go without food for weeks like some mutated doctors I know," Tony muttered as he reluctantly took a bite out of his wiggly dinner. He nearly threw up.
"Dirt tastes better than this shit!" Tony spat out the disgusting substance. Bruce rolled his eyes.
"Then go eat some dirt then – it probably has more nutrients anyway," Bruce said dryly. Tony glared at him and promptly pushed his plate away.
"That's it! I quit! I am leaving this island now!" Tony declared as he angrily stomped out the door. The team watched the enraged genius stalk down the street through the window.
"How long do you think it will take him to notice there are no ships or planes on this island?" Steve asked dryly. Bruce shrugged and took out the little metal box full of real food they packed for themselves out from under the table. He couldn't live without his Oreo cookies.
"I give him 25 minutes," Bruce said as he stuffed an Oreo cookie in his mouth. Thor scoffed and took an Oreo cookie for himself.
"I give the loud man 15 minutes," Thor boomed.
"You guys are underestimating the crazed billionaire. I say he'll be back in 10 minutes," Steve said taking out the apple juice he had stashed in their box of real food.
Sluuuurp.
Ah. That was some good juice.
1 hour later.
"Where the heck did he go?" Steve asked they started searching the camp for their lost eccentric teammate.
"Did he manage to get off the island?" Bruce asked in surprise. They all heard the loud crash of a cabinet hitting the floor come from one of the buildings at the edge of the compound. They all paused.
"He's in the tactics and strategy room," Steve said blankly. Bruce shook his head.
"I did not expect that to be the first place for him to go," Bruce said sounding disappointed. He thought Stark was more creative than that.
"RED ALERT! SOMEONE HAS BREACHED SECURITY ENTRANCE 34! I REPEAT ALL SENIOR PERSONNEL TO TACTICS ROOM!" a frantic voice shouted through the P.A system that resonated throughout the camp. The three avengers rolled their eyes in unison.
"Go figure."
20 minutes later.
"UNHAND ME YOU UPTIGHT SHEEP OF THE ARMY! YOU FREAKY CLEAN FREAKS WHO NEVER GETS A SPEC OF DIRT ON THEIR UNIFORM IN THIS GODFORSAKEN JUNGLE! WHO NEVER KNEW THE AWESOMENESS OF REALITY TV BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO BUSY HAVING A STICK UP YOUR MILITARY ASS! YOU SUICIDING BRAINWASHED ZOMBIES WHO DON'T KNOW WHEN IT'S TIME TO JUST FREAKING DIE ALREADY! YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SILENCE PROVES YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH BRAIN CELLS TO EVEN RESPOND TO WHAT THE HELL I'M SAYING! YOU'RE A PUPPET! YOU'RE A DISPOSABLE TOY! MY ROBOTS HAVE MORE EMOTIONS THAT YOU! STOP DOING THE LADY GAGA POKER FACE, DAMN IT!" Tony bellowed at the top of his lungs as he was dragged toward the detention cell. He gasped as he tried to catch his breath after that rant. It was the third one so far.
"Does he never stop talking?" the security guards asked the Avengers team walking beside them. They shook their heads slowly.
"We just usually wait until he runs out of insults," Steve said warily. Bruce snorted.
"Which is just wistful thinking on the Captain's part because Stark rarely runs out of insults," Bruce said blandly. Steve scowled at him.
"I see why you brought him here now," a guard said with a nod. They all groaned when Stark took a deep, deep breath.
"...YOU CREEPY LOOKALIKE ANDROIDS WHO WOULD MARCH IN SYNC INTO YOUR GRAVES! YOU MINDLESS SACRIFICIAL RIGHTEOUS FOOLS WHO ARE IDOLIZED BY OUR EVEN STUPIDER NATION! YOU SHITHEADED BOZOS WHO DON'T KNOW WHEN TO JUST CUT THE FREAKING BARB WIRE INSTEAD OF SACRIFICING ONE OF YOUR OWN! YOU MUTATED HALF ROOSTERS WHO ARE UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN LIKE THE SUNRISE TIME IS BURNED ONTO YOUR SOUL! YOU MINDLESS FREAKS WHO WERE SALUTING EACH SINCE YOU WERE IN DIAPERS! YOU BORING BABOONS WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT FUN IS IF IT SLAPPED YOU IN THE FACE AND MADE OUT WITH YOU AGAINST A WALL! YOU SLIMY SEA CREATURES WHO SLEEP WITH THEIR EYES OPEN! YOUR ORDERLY MANNERS SICKEN ME TO THE CORE OF MY BEING! ANSWER ME DAMN IT!" Tony continued to scream at them.
"Can we gag him please?" The guard standing right next to the verbally abusive mouth of Tony Stark asked pleadingly.
"His mouth is a superpower all on its own," Thor boomed quietly.
"Isn't that that truth?" Bruce mumbled as he continued to read his tactical book. They all stared at him in shock as he perfectly ignored the screeching banshee beside him like it was just the wind.
"Are you deaf solider?" the head guard asked. Bruce shrugged.
"No - not yet. I just have a very high immunity to grown men acting like 5 year olds," Bruce said simply. Steve and Thor paused. Wait a second…
"WE'RE NOT THAT BAD!" Steve and Thor shouted in unison pointing at the screeching genius to their left. Bruce gave them a blank look. He gestured towards Thor.
"Random tiki curse and sneezing lighting when you have a cold," he pointed at Steve. "Drunk Nemo fascination and acting like gummy bears are drugs," he gestured towards both of them. "And both of you freak out whenever we say gar bar," he finished waiting for their inevitable response.
"DON'T SAY THAT WORD!" they screeched together. Bruce sighed and went back to reading his book.
"5 year olds," he muttered.
"At least I'm a hot five year old…" Tony thought aloud. They all sweat dropped simultaneously. He blinked.
"Wait, what insult was I on? Oh yes, number 97! YOU PIECES OF MANUFACTURABLE ACTION FIGURES FROM TOY STORY! WATCH ME GET OFF THIS ISLAND AND GO INVENT A GIGANTIC MECHANICAL BOOT TO STEP ON YOU WITH! YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU MESSED WITH TONY STARK GENIUS BILLIONAIRE PLAYBOY PHILANTHROPIST!" Tony resumed his previous endeavors.
They all groaned in unison.
"We're here anyway," the head guard said as they dragged the kicking and still screaming billionaire into the detention building. Money really does mean nothing on an island with no escape.
"You can cool off in a cell tonight and rejoin the cadets tomorrow for endurance training," the head guard said as he threw the annoying bastard into the white padded room.
"I WILL BE AVENG-" the door slammed in his angry face.
"Why did you put him in the insanity cell…?" a guard asked in confusion. The head guard turned to give the young security officer a long look.
"Because it's soundproof – I want to sleep tonight," the head guard said frankly.
"Good choice, but is there any electrical panels behind the padding?" Bruce asked leaning against the prison wall still reading his book intently. They all looked at him in confusion.
"Yes there is, but how would he get through-" the guard started to say when all the lights in the building suddenly flickered on and off before they heard a distinct explosion coming from inside the cell.
"I KNOW HOW TO DISABLE A MILITARY GRADE SOUND PROOFING SYSTEM IN MY SLEEP YOU RETARDED PRESCHOOLERS!" they heard echo through the room.
"This is going to be a long night," Steve said with a sigh.
The next day.
"-AND WHEN I'M DONE TYING EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR ZOMBIES TO THE BULL I'M GOING TO BUY I'LL DRAG YOU ALL THE WAY TO SOUTH AMERICA FROM WHEREVER THE HELL WE ARE RIGHT NOW! I WILL SUMMON ALL THE FISH IN THE SEA WITH SONAR WAVES AND THEY WILL CARRY YOU OFF INTO BERMUDA TRIANGLE AND YOU WILL BE EATEN BY WHATEVER CRAZY SEA MONSTERS THAT LIVE THERE!" Tony continued to shout through the door of his cell. He's been going at it for 5 hours now – his voice wasn't even getting hoarse yet!
The 3 avengers and the entire security team sat in front of the insanity cell armed with tranquilizer guns – people this crazy were not afraid of riffles. And nobody really wanted to open that door either – they might get rabies if Stark suddenly snapped and bit one of them.
A frantic solider suddenly burst through the prison entrance completely out of breath.
"Did you get the General?" the head guard in front of Stark's cell asked desperately. The solider shook his head with equal desperation in his eyes.
"No, he's busy dealing with a toilet bandit! I got the next best thing!" he said hurriedly as he stepped to the side to reveal Stark's drill officer. Hope suddenly shone in the eyes of all the soldiers present.
"Who is that?" Thor asked quietly as the 3 avengers watched the formerly zombie looking soldiers come to live. Steve was equally confused and Bruce just shrugged.
"I don't know…but I'm guessing he's their savior and probably our chance to finally get out of this dump," Bruce said as he lay on the ground staring up at all the bubble gum art on the ceiling. He finished his book 2 hours ago. Now he just wanted to take a shower.
"I swear there's something wrong with him. I think he's depressed. He takes these things too lightly," Steve whispered to Thor quietly.
"We have bigger things to worry about at the moment Captain," Thor said fearfully looking back at the cell door.
"CLEAR GROUND ZERO SOLDIERS! I NEED A 3 METER RADIUS!" the drill officer ordered. Everyone literally dived behind the officer who always spoke in capital letters. He bravely stepped forward and unlocked the cell. The door swung open to reveal a red faced genius.
"So you finally decide to ope- oh shit it's you!" Tony said in horror. He still remembered the horrifying drills the officer made him run through several times until he could practically do it in his sleep yesterday. He was a beast!
The officer gave him a blank look - Tony swore that was the only expression the man could make at all.
"SOMEONE HOLD HIM DOWN. I KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO BREAK THIS TYPE OF MAN'S SOUL!" he hollowed at the exhausted group of soldiers behind him. A couple of guards rushed forward to secure the frozen billionaire. He barely fought back because he was too busy staring at the object in the beast's hand.
The drill officer held up a wireless razor and turned it on. BUZZZZZZZZ! All the colour drained from the scientist's face. The poor bastard.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" he yelled in horror.
10 minutes later.
All the guards on night shift finally got to leave and only a few were left after the Stark fiasco was taken care of.
Where was Tony Stark you may ask?
He was in the corner balling his eyes out.
"M-m-m-m-m-MY HAIR! YOU CHOPPED OFF MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!" Tony wailed as he sobbed into his knees. They gave him the infamous army cut. He clutched his fallen hair in despair.
"Oh come Stark! We all lost our hair before because of your malfunctioning invention!" Steve said fed up with all this crying. Tony continued to sob hysterically.
"This is worse! NOW I LOOK LIKE YOU!" he wailed before he went back to his intelligible sobbing. Steve's mouth fell open in disbelief. That's why he was crying?
"You're so full of shit Stark. Get over yourself we have drills to do," Steve huffed. He was thoroughly insulted. The girls loved his perfectly done hair! He grabbed Stark by the scruff of his uniform and dragged him out of the detention cell. Thor and Bruce trailed behind them as they watched the dramatic tears stream down the billionaire's face. They were still debating on if they were real or not.
"He looks like he means it…" Thor whispered to Bruce. Bruce carefully analyzed the sobbing genius. There was theatrical sad Tony and actually freaking upset Tony. The man in question didn't even give them a single glance - he just continued to sob.
"For once Thor…you may be right," Bruce conceded reluctantly. Thor paused.
"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" Thor boomed caught between confusion and offense. The doctor couldn't possibly imply such a thing could he? He was always so sweet, quiet and helpful…
Okay maybe not all the time…
"My reputation as an eccentric, impulsive playboy is RUINED!" Tony continued to wail as he was dragged down the path towards the training grounds.
"Who wants that type of reputation?" Steve asked listening to the sniveling coming from behind him.
"I DO!" Tony exclaimed like it was obvious.
"But you're not even really a playboy Tony. You've been with Pepper for years!" Thor said in confusion as they approached the fence that separated the training fields from the rest of the camp.
"IT'S CALLED A REPUTATION NOT REALITY YOU GIGANTIC GINGERBREAD MAN!" Tony shouted.
"His words hurt me so," Thor mumbled miserably. Bruce patted him on the back reassuringly.
"It's okay – he's just going through a midlife crisis right now," Bruce said simply. Tony suddenly stopped cry and stared at the doctor in righteous disbelief.
"Don't make me old! All three of you are different levels of simply ANCIENT! Thor is probably thousands of earth years old, Cap should be dead by now and Bruce you're just-"
"Stop," Bruce interrupted Tony's little age rant. He took out a small piece of paper and held it in front of Stark's face.
"I, Tony Stark will not ever reveal Bruce Banner's real age unless I wish the world to know my secret VIA Facebook. What are you talking about…?" Tony asked slowly. Bruce turned the piece of paper around and waited for the realization to sink in. The full extent of the horror on the billionaire's face could never be captured properly on video or any technology known to mankind.
"WHEN DID YOU FREAKING TAKE THIS PHOTO? Tony screeched. Bruce shrugged.
"I had a phone. The moment was priceless. I used it," he said simply.
"WHAT KIND OF TRAITOROUS BEST FRIEND ARE YOU? YOU'RE SO MEAN!" Tony cried. Bruce narrowed his eyes at the wailing genius.
"Because of you I hulked out in a perfectly good lab, I got high off a drugged chocolate cake, I got attacked by malfunctioning robots, I was dragged through garbage by rabid racoons, I nearly got blown up by your dynamite stick, I got face full of manure and you turned my hair green," Speaking of green…
BEEP.
"OKAY! OKAY! I AGREE TO YOUR TERMS DAMN IT!" Tony shouted in fear. Bruce suddenly smiled serenely.
"See? It wasn't that hard. You can have this – it's your copy," Bruce said handing the piece of paper to the traumatized genius and strolled through the gateway into the training field whistling 'I'm walking on sunshine' as he went.
"I swear his going through something right now. He's freaking me out!" Steve said staring after the gleeful doctor. Bruce was never that happy. Tony could barely reply – his eyes were glued to the most horrifying image he'd ever seen in his life.
"MY EYES!" Thor howled when he caught a glimpse of the photograph in Tony's hand. He ran away so fast they had whiplash watching him dash across the field. Steve looked over his shoulder at the paper and froze.
"HOLY SHIT IS THAT YOU AND BARTON FAIL KISSING FROM THE GAY BAR MISSION?" Steve shrieked in horror. Everyone single soldier in a 10 meter radius turned to stare at them like they were crazy. Well…that was a given.
"Just make a press conference and tell the whole world why don't you?" Tony said sarcastically. Steve sheepishly dumped the genius without the bounds of the training field.
"Sorry. I think you scarred Thor though," he said as they both glanced back at the demi-god who was still running. He reached the other side of the field, dashed over the hills and out of sight.
"I wonder when he will stop running," Tony said dryly. Steve snorted.
"Not likely any time soon."
"What a shame - I wanted to freak him out some more," Tony replied. Steve sighed. Idiots.
The next day.
It was pouring rain that morning – it wasn't even really morning yet – it was barely the crack of dawn. And where was Stark? Not in his comfy bed that's where.
"MOVE SOLDIER! MOVE! YOU GOT TO PICK UP THE PACE OR YOU'LL DIE FROM THE ELEMENTS BEFORE THE ENEMY EVEN GETS A SHOT AT YOU!" the drill officer bellowed across the muddy survival course. Stark groaned as his foot got stuck in a muddy hole.
"I'M NOT A SOLDIER! I'M HERE AGAINST MY WILL!" he shouted back. His foot sunk deeper into the mud.
Uh oh.
"DON'T MAKE ME COME IN THERE CADET!" the officer warned. Tony gulped as the ground started caving in rapidly around him.
Oh shit.
"HELP!" he shouted as the rest of his body got sucked into the dark hole of despair.
"MMMM!" he screamed as his head barely bobbed above the ground.
Blub, blub, blub.
"Is he seriously drowning in mud?" Bruce asked in disbelief.
"Only Stark can manage something that impossible," Steve said while shaking his head.
"Who shall save the drowning Stark?" Thor asked the little crowd of cadets they were standing with under the relatively dry tent cover.
Cricket…cricket…cricket…
"Well don't all rush at once," he said with a sigh before he walked into the rain and pulled the unidentifiable muddy figure out of the ground.
"I CAN'T BREATH!" Tony gasped. Thor gave the gasping genius a few good thumps against his back. Tony wheezed from the force of each impact.
"I'm good now buddy! I'm good!" Tony squeaked failing his arms around. Thor nodded and placed their unidentifiable teammate onto the ground. Tony coughed and took a few steps away from the towering muscular demi-god.
"MIND THE GAP ACROSS THE-" the officer started to warn but it was too late.
Woosh.
They all stared at the empty spot that Stark was just occupying mere moments before.
"We lost Stark again," Thor said simply.
"Want a shovel?" A random cadet called out.
Another hour or two passed by after they managed to finally dig Tony out of the hole. Don't ask what state he was in after the rescue – he didn't want to know what was swimming in his pants and no one asked either. Let's keep it that way shall we?
Presently Steve was doing some push ups while Tony simply laid there and stared up at the clear blue sky. It was mocking him with false words of freedom and yet in reality this was just one big fat prison. He was a master escape artist – he will find a way out of here if it was the last thing he did!
"There are no boats and no aircrafts here," Tony mused verbally. Steve shook his head as he continued to count his number of push ups.
"Nope."
"I have to pass the survival test on Friday to get on the only flight out of here on Saturday morning," Tony continued.
"Yup."
"I will murder you before we leave this island," Tony said with conviction.
"You can try…but I'm sort of your ticket out of here," Steve said as he counted pasted 100 hundred. Tony huffed irritably and fell out of his chair.
"THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I WILL FIND A WAY OFF THIS ISLAND IF IT KILLS MEEEEEE!" Tony shouted to the sky as he fell to his knees on the burning hot sand. Steve glanced at his watch.
3
2
1
"HOLY SHIT THAT BURNS!"
10 minutes later after nursing his scorched knees with a cold pack of peas.
"I know! I will swim home!" Tony declared suddenly. Steve continued the set of push ups he was originally doing before Stark decided to let his stupidity shine a bit too brightly. How can a genius be this stupid? It's honestly a gift.
"Shark infested waters," he said simply. Tony scoffed and headed off towards the beach.
"You're bluffing!" Tony shouted over his shoulder.
30 minutes later.
A soaked and battered Tony Stark crawled into their designated cabin. His 3rd uniform set of the day was ruined – practically shredded to pieces. Bruce looked up from the strategy book he was now reading and stared at the alarming sight of his best friend.
"You look like something the cat dragged in." Bruce said dryly. Tony literally dragged himself over to his rock hard bed and collapsed in exhaustion as he held the ice pack to his eye.
"No shit Sherlock," he said sarcastically. Bruce raised an eyebrow.
"What happened?" he asked curiously.
"I went a few rounds with a shark," Tony said with a wince. Bruce gave him a blank look.
"How did a shark mange to sock you in the face?" Bruce asked with an eyebrow. Tony suspiciously avoided all eye contact with the curious Doctor. It must not have been pretty.
"No…that was the married cafeteria lady who doesn't like being chatted up by half dead geniuses," he replied wryly. Bruce burst out laughing.
"You got beat by a shark and then whacked in the face by a crazy Caf lady?" Bruce snickered.
"Hey I managed to charm an ice pack out of her before I accidentally said that I would totally date her if she was 15 years younger!" Tony exclaimed. Bruce paused.
"Are we talking about that large, chipmunk cheeked Cafeteria lady who looks at Thor like he's a piece of prime meat?" Bruce asked warily. Tony winced.
"Yeah apparently she's only 40. Who knew right?" Tony said with a shrugged.
"Where is Thor anyway? He went to get some toilet paper since we ran out," Bruce said curiously. They both heard the sudden commotion outside and glanced out their cabin window.
"I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS TEPEEING BUSINESS IS BUT I DID NOT USE MY PRECIOUS TOILET PAPER TO DO IT!" Thor screamed as he ran past their cabin with an armful of toilet paper rolls. They glanced around the corner and saw an army of angry cadets chasing behind him.
Bruce stared at the scene in front of them for a few seconds.
"Did you take a detour before you dragged your sorry ass over here?" Bruce asked as he continued to watch Thor run circles around the camp with the angry mob hot on his trail.
Tony snickered.
"I plea the 5th."
"Do I even want to know?" Bruce asked warily. Tony snickered some more.
"Probably not."
The 3rd day of boot camp.
"He's gone," Steve said staring at the empty bed that belonged to Tony Stark for that last few nights.
"I have eyes – I can see that pretty clearly," Bruce said standing beside him.
"Do you know what Stark can do in a few hours with a bunch of coconuts and scraps of metal?" Steve asked incredulously. Bruce snorted.
"A hell of a lot more than we could?" he asked dryly. Steve paused and then shook his head. First thing they were going to do when they got back to New York – find Bruce a psychologist that had a really good office insurance plan.
"Seriously, we need to find him before he burns down the camp or something," Steve said turning around to see the still sleeping Thor hugging a wad of toilet paper with smiley faces on it.
"What-?" he began.
"Don't ask," Bruce said simply. Steve wisely held back his question – he learned curiosity sometimes came with a price that was just not worth the headache. Now to save himself and make a hasty exit; in other words – fleeing with style.
"Alright then! You wake up Thor and we'll spread out – that way we'll find Stark faster!" Steve shouted over his shoulder as he dashed out the door. Bruce stared after the Captain who practically flew down the cabin steps and sprinted across the street as fast as his super legs will take him. His mouth fell open in shock.
"HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE WITH HIM YOU COWARD?" Bruce shouted in betrayal. Steve didn't even spare a second to glance back at Bruce's horrified face. Bruce looked back at the innocently sleeping demi-god – who was definitely not so innocent. He beheaded mother dragons in his free time. Who does stuff like that? "Oh hell no I'm not getting struck by lightning again," Bruce said firmly. He took out his trusty frying pan and metal pot to hide behind as he approached the highly volatile sleeping giant.
In a small dark room a few stories below the military compound.
"Is this seriously the best security system the military has got?" Tony asked in disbelief as he tinkered with the electrical panel a few feet down from the room he was trying to get into.
Ding.
The door swung open slowly.
Pathetic.
He strode into the room and stared up at the gigantic mega motor tank that stood before him. A creepy grin slowly spread across his face – the mad genius was back.
"I don't care what these people say – the military always, always has some dirty little secrets stashed on weird no transport islands like these," Tony said aloud as he approached the mammoth of all tanks.
"Haha…I can work with this…" he rubbed his hands together evilly.
One hour later.
"Did you find him yet?" Bruce asked as he and Thor caught up with the wandering Captain. No one commented on Bruce's slightly scorched hair. He may hulk out if you do – it's a miracle he hasn't already.
"No I've looked everywhere! No one has seen him all morning!" Steve said in disbelief. They all paused as they felt the ground start to shake below their feet. They were not in a high Earthquake risk zone…
VROOM! The Avengers spun around and watched in horror as a gigantic black tank zoomed by and crashed into the water tower. They watched in slow motion as the tower fell over and flooded the compound. The tank backpedaled and as it passed them once more and Steve a got a good look at the man at the wheel. His face went blank.
"Why am I not surprised? What is wrong with me?" Steve asked with a sigh of resignation.
"I believe we have found Stark comrades," Thor noted with equal blankness. Bruce watched the tank zoom haphazardly around the camp as more and more cadets came out of their cabins to set what the ruckus was about.
"Guys…are you sure Stark is in control there?" Bruce asked slowly. Everyone in a 10 meter vicinity of the calm doctor froze.
"STARK WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Steve shouted as the tank whooshed passed them for a third time. They watched as the window rolled down and the panicked face of Tony Stark popped out.
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS A PROTOTYPE! I CAN'T STOP!" Tony shouted as he zoomed by – he couldn't get the breaks to work. Oh dear god.
He frantically spun the tank around and back towards his team.
"WHAT DO I DO?" he shouted out the window.
They all looked at each other.
"JUMP STARK JUMP!" they hollowed.
"BUT I DON'T LIKE THAT IDEA!" Tony shouted as he spun the tank around too fast and broke the steering wheel.
Aw shit.
Tony looked at his now useless steering wheel and at the building in front of him. The machine was still moving. He paled instantly and promptly climbed up to the top of the tank and threw himself at his team.
Ommph! They all crashed to the ground.
"Great catch guys," Tony groaned. Steve pushed his team off of him and looked back at the tank that was still in motion. His eyes nearly bulged out of his skull.
"The tank is about to hit the artillery bunker," Steve said slowly. Everyone froze – as in everyone. All 300 cadets, 20 officers, 3 Avengers and 1 General.
"OH SHIT!"
"CADETS WE MUST STOP-"
"FORGET THAT SHIT! YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN!" the cadets screamed as they all rushed towards the ocean water. The Avengers looked at each other.
"RUN FOR IT!"
15 seconds later.
BOOM!
They all stared in horror as they watched a gigantic 50 foot mushroom cloud rise to the sky. They looked down at the burning compound.
"Stark…you're so screwed," Bruce said simply. Tony stared up his accidental handy work in awe.
"But Brucie…it's so…beautiful," he said in amazement – there were practically tears in his eyes. A looming shadow fell over the awe-struck genius's face. He froze.
Right – he forgot. Beauty comes with a price.
"TONY STARK!" the General's voice boomed. The entire shoreline of cadets went quiet – they wanted to hear this.
"It is unfortunate for our record but I do not regret to say that for the first time in this training facility's history – you are officially being expelled from the program. No regrets at all," the General said firmly.
320 Resounding gasps.
No one has ever been kicked out of this training camp. No one.
"Captain Steve Rogers – call your people and get. Him. Off. My. Island. Now." the General said with icy calmness. They all shook in their boots as he stared at each one of them with his dead serious poker face. What was the man thinking?
CRASH! Another part of the compound just caved in and went up in flames. They paled. They knew exactly what he was thinking. Steve rushed to call SHIELD to come pick them up before someone was murdered…someone who was looking rather accomplished at the moment.
2 hours later.
"Three days! How on earth could he possibly last in boot camp for three freaking days?" Natasha huffed angrily as she got off the helicopter. Clint snorted.
"You're just sore you lost our bet. I told you it would take him at least 2 days to get thrown out," he said smugly. She glared at him fiercely.
"Shut up Bart-" they both suddenly noticed the scene in front of them. The entire army unit was sitting on the edge of the beach with a scorched military compound burned to the ground behind them.
"He didn't just get kicked out of boot camp. He burned it to the ground before they could deport his sorry ass," Steve said blankly.
"Ha ha…don't leave malfunctioning technology where genius can find them?" Tony laughed hesitantly.
325 pairs of eyes glared at the self-proclaimed playboy. He coughed awkwardly.
"Too soon to crack jokes eh?" he said sheepishly. The entire crowd face palmed simultaneously.
Only Stark.
TESTED FORMULA: Stark + boot camp = boom.
PREDICTED FORMULA: Stark + anything = boom too.
Madness Madness Madness Madness EPIC FREAKING MADNESS!
Mind-twist with the jealous stuff in day 28 right? XD since Scarlett Johansson is technically Natasha Romanoff. Renner was in there too somewhere! Ha ha hope you caught those fun details!
MY MONKEYS! WHO UNDERSTOOD THE MONKEYS?
A/N: Now the only thing is that school is getting super busy and my updates will be few and far in-between if I keep doing the 3 days/ chapter pattern I have been doing so far. So you have a choice! Don't have a heart attack yet you guys– it's not like deciding your future career or anything! It's just a simple question.
a. Would you like me to update 1 new story each chapter (faster updates – but shorter chapters)
OR
b. Continue the 3 stories each chapter pattern (extremely slow updates – but longer chapters)
Let me know in a review wonderful people! The rest of you silent ghosts– NO MONKEYS FOR YOU!